Presentation on theme: "Infidelity Quiz zWomen who have affairs get more emotionally involved than men (t/f) zTRUE: Men are more likely to focus on sexual involvement- women are."— Presentation transcript:
Infidelity Quiz zWomen who have affairs get more emotionally involved than men (t/f) zTRUE: Men are more likely to focus on sexual involvement- women are more emotionally involved zRelationships can’t be restored after an affair zFALSE: When both parties are willing to look at what is wrong and right in the marriage, it can be restored… most marriages survive
QUIZ zMost people have an inkling of the affair before it is discovered zTRUE: Most people know- but they can’t put there finger on it zThe number of women having affairs is increasing zTRUE: 90’s value changes have brought more women to the workforce with greater opportunity to meet people and have affairs
QUIZ zA man tends to stay in the relationship after discovering his partner’s affair zFALSE: A man who learns that his partner’s had an affair leaves the relationship more often than does a women in the same situation zChristians are less likely to have affairs zTRUE: non-religious wives are twice as likely to have affairs than deeply religious wives
No good Christian gets up in the morning, looks out the window and says “My this is a lovely day. I think I’ll go out and commit adultery.” Yet, many do it anyway…WHY?
FACTS z25%-50% of married women have at least 1 affair- 50%-65% of men by the age of 40 (10 year old data) zIt is unlikely that all the men & women married to each other are having affairs- so, at least 1 partner will have an affair in at least 80% of marriages zApproximately 85% of U.S. citizens claim Christianity as there religion… Do affairs happen in the Church? Most marriages are affected by Adultery
I. Anatomy of Adultery- What is an Affair? zSecrecy zEmotional Intimacy zSexual Chemistry
Conditions Ripe for an Affair zDepression zDenial zBlame zPassive-Aggressiveness zRunning from God zRunning from Truth/Reality zRunning From Self zUnmet Emotional Needs
Beware of the Arrogance that it Could Never Happen to You It happens- even to Christians It does not necessarily develop out of a bankrupt system of moral values Anyone, given the right conditions- would have an affair!
Secrets are Key zPrivacy does not improve marriage zIf you have to keep the relationship a secret- chances are it qualifies as an affair
How to Keep a Secret Life- and Hurt Marriage z“Stay out of my personal life” z“I’m disappointed you don’t trust me” z“I can’t remember” z“We’re just friends” z“I need space”
II. Why Do We Have Affairs? zUnmet needs (attention, acceptance, affection, admiration) zEmotional immaturity (extended adolescence, self- doubt, parental indulgence, pride) zUnresolved conflicts (job, money, parenting, midlife, family)
Why Do We Stray? zWomen tend to stray to get attention, validation, recognition, someone to notice them… they want an emotional attachment zIt usually begins with (powerful) emotional needs unmet: why else would anyone give up spouse, children, job, family, and beliefs to have emotional needs met? Unmet emotional needs= depression & emptiness
An affair is a sign of a need for help- an attempt to compensate for deficiencies in the relationship… a warning sign that someone is suffering. Something is wrong in the marriage- in the same way that a fever is a manifestation of an infection. Affairs serve as an indicator of marriage malfunction.
III. What Sustains Affairs? zSecrecy… relationship built on a lie…just as communication is the “oxygen” of marriage… secrecy is the “oxygen” of infidelity zAddictive power
Affairs Fueled by Marriage Myths zMarriage made in heaven yimplies God is responsible ygives false comfort zMarriage will make me happy ymake up for past failures ypartner will provide needs ylove is a feeling zChildren are the glue All have common fallacy: you can get off the hook- someone else is responsible for your well-being
Feeding Infidelity Twists Thinking zPartner becomes passive zComparison breeds contempt zDeception becomes the rule zSecret death wish
Hebrews 13:4 Continue to love each other... Give honor to marriage, and remain faithful to one another in marriage. God will surely judge people who are immoral and those who commit adultery. Stay away from the love of money...
Proverbs 6: These commands and teaching will keep you from the immoral woman, from the smooth tongue of an adulterous woman. Don’t lust for her beauty. Don’t let her coyness seduce you. For a prostitute will bring you to poverty, and sleeping with another man’s wife may cost you your very life.
Can a man scoop fire into his lap not be burned? Can he walk on hot coals and not blister his feet? So it is with a man who sleeps with another man’s wife. He who embraces her will not go unpunished… But the man who commits adultery is an utter fool, for he destroys his own soul...
Impossible to “Serve 2 Masters” Principle of adultery is similar to addictions and scripture reference to money… what energy & interest is put into other things always depletes energy and interest from the primary (interpersonal) relationship
Why All the Rules? zLoss of integrity and damage to self zGod knows better! zNothing more destructive to marriage (and self) zAffairs are about desired change… albeit a poor way of making change
IV. Recovery From Adultery zSeparate fact from fiction zDon’t let present destroy past zCommit self to learn not leave zDetermine facts before deciding fate zAsk for reasons not details zIncrease your growth not guilt zGet help zSeek forgiveness & speak it
DON’T... zFreeze zFry zFold zFight zForce
V. Protecting Your Marriage From Adultery zDon’t compare the incomparable zDon’t set your own traps zRefuse to saw sawdust zLook through your partner’s glasses zKeep your marriage box full zBecome the host not the guest zActivate love by your own actions
Principles Applied zMaintain a vital, alive, interesting marriage zDo everything we have talked about!
Series Summary z“Oops, I married the wrong person” z“Listening beyond words” z“Intimacy” z“Marriage job descriptions” z“When the fighting doesn’t stop” z“Sex” z“Infidelity”