7If I decide your differences are BAD NEWS: I reject your ideasI am intolerant of your behaviourI am refusing to listen to youI do not trust your judgementI do not give you the benefit of the doubtCollectively we loose
8If I am dismissive about differences between us: I may ignore them.I may avoid conflict but not resolve it.I will cold shoulder peopleLeft alone -CONFLICT IS A DESTROYER
9If I view differences between us as potentially POSITIVE: More optionsMore wisdomTrust developsWe own OUR problemsShared solutions strengthen relationships
10Conflict is healthy! Differences between people are normal. Sharing difference helps us grow.New opinions need not be threatening.We can investigate options.
11The root of healthy relationships Understanding differencesUnderstanding stylesUnderstanding needsListening properlyBeing like Jesus – self-sacrificial and other-centred.
12What does the Bible have to say about sorting out arguments? James 4What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. Or do you think Scripture says without reason that the spirit he caused to live in us envies intensely? But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble."
13What does the Bible have to say about sorting out arguments? Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbour?
14What does the Bible have to say about sorting out arguments? Matthew 5"You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'Do not murder and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.' But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, 'Raca,' is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, 'You fool!' will be in danger of the fire of hell. "Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.
15Levels of Listening Ignoring Pretending Selective Listening Attentive ListeningEmpathetic Listening
16Helpful Tips eye contact whole attention no interrupting give time check and respondsmile and nodshow you understand
17TEN TOP relational NEEDS AttentionRespectAcceptanceAffectionEncouragementAppreciationSupportComfortSecurityApproval
18Impatience, quick temper Symptoms of a full cupDepressed MoodEscape into work, drugs, infidelity, pornography, etcImpatience, quick temperPhysical side effectsLoss of energy & umm..concentrationLoss of +ve emotions like joy, love, affection & romanceSleep & appetite disturbanceEmotions can fill our cup.Stress AnxietyFears InsecuritiesUnhealthy Accumulation of negative EmotionsFalse Guilt CondemnationOur emotional capacityTrue Guilt RetaliationAnger Bitterness & ResentmentHurt
19Draining the emotional cup ComfortDeals with hurtPositive Emotions can be displaced by….Stress AnxietyFears InsecuritiesFalse Guilt CondemnationTrue Guilt RetaliationAnger Bitterness & ResentmentHurt
20Draining the emotional cup Positive Emotions can be displaced by….Positive EmotionStress AnxietyFears InsecuritiesFalse Guilt CondemnationTrue Guilt RetaliationAnger Bitterness & ResentmentHurt
21Draining the emotional cup ForgivenessDeals with angerPositive Emotions can be displaced by….Positive EmotionStress AnxietyFears InsecuritiesFalse Guilt CondemnationTrue Guilt RetaliationAnger Bitterness & Resentment
22Draining the emotional cup Positive Emotions can be displaced by….Positive EmotionStress AnxietyFears InsecuritiesFalse Guilt CondemnationTrue Guilt RetaliationAnger
23Draining the emotional cup ConfessionDeals with GuiltPositive Emotions can be displaced by….Positive EmotionStress AnxietyFears InsecuritiesFalse Guilt CondemnationTrue Guilt Retaliation
24Draining the emotional cup Truthful words drive outcondemnationPositive EmotionStress AnxietyFears InsecuritiesFalse Guilt Condemnation
25Draining the emotional cup Positive EmotionStress AnxietyFears InsecuritiesFalse Guilt Condemnation
26Draining the emotional cup Love drives outfearPositive EmotionStress AnxietyFears Insecurities
27Draining the emotional cup Share your burden and learn to manage:Stress and anxietyPositive EmotionStress Anxiety
28Draining the emotional cup Positive EmotionNegative emotion
29The Potential of Relational Needs EXAMPLE OF POSITIVE OUTCOMES - functional family, good self-image, intimate relationships, maturing personalityHEALTHY BEHAVIOURS - kindness, giving to others, considerate, persue excellencePOSITIVE FEELINGS - worthy, confidentHEALTHY THINKING - I can do it, I’m really loved, I must be importantNEEDS MET - affection, approval, attention, comfortRELATIONAL NEEDS - acceptance, appreciation, encouragement, respect, security, support
30The PAIN of relational needs UNMET NEEDS - neglect, abuse, rejection, criticism“FAULTY THINKING” - what’s wrong with me? I don’t matter, I’ll try harderNEGATIVE FEELINGS - unworthy, anxious, condemned or bitter, hurtUNHEALTHY BEHAVIOUR - acting out manipulative games, addictions, compulsions, self-abuseEXAMPLE OF PAINFUL OUTCOMES - Disfunctional family, poor identity, personality disturbances, problems in living
31Remember: the relationship is more important than the issue CONFLICT MANAGEMENT1. Choose a time & place2. Stick to the point3. If things get out of hand, take ‘time out’ (cup of tea) & agree to continue later4. Describe how you “FEEL”5. Use “I” rather than “you”6. “Reflective” listening to what is being saidRemember:the relationship is more important than the issue7. Say ‘sorry’ and forgive each other8. If no immediate agreement can be found, agree on a temporary solution9. Try the solution and review after an agreed period of timeCopyright “Time for Families”
32THE CYCLE OF A RELATIONSHIP REALITYROMANCEOur partnership is perfect . .except for this LITTLE problem . .. . Which needs sorting out NOW!STOP interfering in MY life!C’mon,we need to talk about it!Let’s agree on how we move forward!REACTIONTHE CYCLE OF A RELATIONSHIPRENEWALRESISTANCEREFLECTION
33When dealing with conflict, target the issue . . . NOT the person !
34WHAT IS YOUR PREFERRED LANGUAGE OF LOVE ? WORDS, WORDS, WORDS,WHAT IS YOUR PREFERRED LANGUAGE OF LOVE ?GIVING/RECEIVING GIFTSTIME TOGETHERPHYSICAL TOUCHTHOUGHTFUL ACTS
35It’s more than a feeling . . . It’s a DECISION! FORGIVENESS,It’s more than a feeling . . .It’s a DECISION!HURTSNO FISHING“Let’s dump our hurts here and move on together !”