Toxic Intimacy Obsessing with finding someone to love Need for immediate gratification Pressuring partner for sex or commitment Imbalance of power Power plays for control No-talk rule, especially if things are not working out Manipulation Lack of trust
Healthy Intimacy Development of self as a first priority Desire for long-term contentment; relationship develops step by step Freedom of choice Balance and mutuality in the relationship Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading Sharing wants, feelings, and appreciation of what your partner means to you Directness Appropriate trust (know that your partner will behave according to his/her fundamental nature)
Cycle of Violence Do you break it or keep it going? Phase 1 = Loving Phase 2 = Tension Phase 3 = Violence
Men who have a family history of observing or experiencing abuse are more likely to inflict the same abuse and violence that they witnessed. (Cycle of Abuse)
Women who observed abusive behavior as youth will more than likely choose mates who are abusive. (Cycle of Abuse)
Characteristics of Unhealthy Relationships Giving advice but not accepting it Having difficulty in reaching out and in asking for support and love Giving orders; demanding and expecting much from others Trying to “get even” or to diminish the self- esteem or power of others Being judgmental; put-downs that sabotage the other’s success; fault-finding; persecuting; punishing Holding out on others; not giving what others want or need
Characteristics of Unhealthy Relationships Making then breaking promises; causing others to trust us and then betraying that trust Putting the other in a no-win situation Attempting to change the other (and unwillingness to change the self) Attacking the other when he/she is most vulnerable Abusing others verbally or physically Showing bitterness, grudge-holding, or self righteous anger
Characteristics of Unhealthy Relationships Being aggressive and defining it as assertiveness Needing to win or be right Resisting stubbornly or being set in one’s own way Having difficulty admitting mistakes or saying “I’m sorry” Giving indirect, evasive answers to questions Defending any of the above behaviors
Sex Involves mutual, sober consent Can be a very emotional act for someone Can lead to unwanted pregnancy, STDs, AIDS, or other health risks
The first 2 weeks of the fall semester are high risk times for date and acquaintance rape. Fact:
Most women know their attacker n The majority of all rapes of women are known as acquaintance rapes, in which the victim knows her attacker. Offenders known to the victim perpetrate approximately three- quarters of all lone-offender sexual violence against women. (Bureau of Justice Statistics)
The highest risk of rape.. n Women who are most often raped are between 16 and 24 years of age. Since this is the period when most women are dating, they are particularly vulnerable to being a victim of date rape. The peak rate of victimization occurs in the 16-19 year old age group….does this age sound familiar to most 1st year women?
Rape on campuses n Eight in ten college rapes involved someone the attacker knew, more than half involved a date. Eighty-six percent of these rapes occurred in off-campus housing or in a car, prior to the rape 42% had been virgins. (Rape on Campus: Facts and Measures)
Who to believe? n According to FBI statistics, only 1-2% of reported assaults are suspected to be false, which is approximately the same rate for false reports for other crimes.
Evaluate the Stereotypes that you have about how men and women should behave… Men…don’t believe that women should be submissive to you, or that because she dressed a certain way she wanted to have sex with you.
Too much booze and you may lose… 75 to 90 % of all acquaintance rapes are motivated by alcohol and other drugs Alcohol makes it harder for women to assess the risks involved, and it effects the ability of men and women to make responsible decisions. It also tends to make men more aggressive.
Communicate expectations involving sex… Dating partners do not really know each others expectations regarding sex. Sexual desires should be communicated clearly and directly by both individuals as early as possible.
Some possible reactions from victims n Fear and anxiety n Re-experiencing the trauma n Increased arousal - jitters, shakes, etc. n Avoidance n Anger n Feelings of guilt and shame n Depression n Negative self image