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作文点评 一、用词达意 二、结构完整 三、格式规范 四、行文连贯 【优秀答卷一实录】 Dear Editor, I’m writing to tell you about the discussion we’ve had about whether an entrance fee should.

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Presentation on theme: "作文点评 一、用词达意 二、结构完整 三、格式规范 四、行文连贯 【优秀答卷一实录】 Dear Editor, I’m writing to tell you about the discussion we’ve had about whether an entrance fee should."— Presentation transcript:

1

2 作文点评

3 一、用词达意 二、结构完整 三、格式规范 四、行文连贯

4 【优秀答卷一实录】 Dear Editor, I’m writing to tell you about the discussion we’ve had about whether an entrance fee should be charged for parks. About 60% of my classmates thought it unsuitable to charge the entrance fee. In their opinion, parks are built for the people to have a good rest after they finish their work. If the fee is charged, then the entrance door is needed; as a result, less people will go there frequently and we should say the city is not as beautiful and comfortable as before. But against their opinion, the rest students thought that the low price was acceptable. “We couldn’t let the gardener work for us all for free!” part of them said. And a few of them even considered the problem of paying for the new plants in the future. Yours truly, Li Hua

5 【优秀答卷一点评】 本文覆盖了所有要点,语言丰富,文 笔流畅,用词恰当、精彩,驾驭语言的 能力很强, 特点: 1 . 语言丰富多样。文中的 unsuitable, as a result, frequently, comfortable, against, acceptable, for free, part of, even considered the problem of paying for…. 以及 in the future 都是该文语言丰富的 “ 点金 ” 之笔。

6 2. 连词用得很恰当。文中的 if…, then… ; as a result; as…as before; But…; And … 这些 连词的使用使得文章流畅、连贯。 3. 复杂结构和长句用得多且地道。如:第 一句中的 it 代替不定式短语 to charge the entrance fee 作形式宾语。第二句中的 for sb to do sth 结构。第三句中的 If 引导的条件状 语从句,以及 and 连接的并列句和 that 引 导的宾语从句( that 已被省略)。第四句 中的 that 引导的宾语从句。末句中的动名 词结构 paying for… 等都用得很好,成为文 章的亮点!

7 4 . 直接引语 “We couldn’t let the gardener work for us all for free!” 的应用使得文章更具活力,更传 神! 5. against their opinion 用来表达对比关系, 用得恰当、自然,很精彩! 6 .灵活运用语言的能力强。如:文章并未 直接说 “ 会影响城市形象 ” ,而是换了一种方 式把它表达了出来 : …and we should say the city is not as beautiful and comfortable as before. 值得肯定。 缺点:文章未分段。

8 语言问题 : ( 1 )冠词掌握得不好。第二句中 for the people to have … 和末句中的 paying for the new plants 中的 两个冠词 the 都应去掉,此处只表示泛指的概念。 ( 2 )少数词使用不当。如: The rest students 应 换作 the rest of the students 或者只用 the rest 表示。 ( 3 ) less people 不是太好。因为 less 的后面一般 跟不可数名词,如: less meat/less beer 等,此处最 好使用 fewer people 来表示。 本文得分: 24 分。

9 【优秀答卷二实录】 Dear Editor, I’m writing to tell you about the discussion we’ve had about whether an entrance fee should be charged for parks. Generally speaking, our class had two opinions. Most of them were against it. Six tenths of the students thought park was a public place for people to have a rest, we had no right to charge for parks. And if we built walls and a gate for charge, it will damage the beautiful pictures. However, the others thought as follows: An entrance fee should be charged, but the price must be low. The money collected will be used for dispensing to the workers as wages, and also use them to buy some new kinds of plants. So the park will always be interesting instead of tiresome! Yours truly Li Hua

10 【优秀答卷二点评】 全文要点齐全,用词范围大,语言 表达灵活,条理清晰,文笔流畅,有 扎实的语言功底。 特点: 1. 本文用了大量的高级词汇。如: Generally speaking, damage, as follows, dispensing to the workers as wages, instead of, tiresome 等。

11 2 .用了很多的复杂结构。如:第三句 中的宾语从句中含有不定式复合结构。 第四句中的 if 从句。第五句中的 as follows 和其后的 but 连接的并列句, 以及第六句中的动名词短语 dispensing 等。可以说:句句出彩,有水平! 3 .使用了关联词 generally speaking, however, as follows, so 等使文章紧凑、 连贯。

12 4. 分词用得好。 The money collected … 中的 collected 用得好,用得灵活。动名 词 dispensing to the workers as wages 的 使用展现出作者深厚的语言功底和很大 的知识面,因为 dispense 和 wages 根本不 是中学的词汇! 5. 表达灵活。作者不用 60% ,而是用了 six tenths 来表达,用得活 ! 如果用 six in ten, six out of ten 也会有异曲同工之妙!

13 缺点: 1. 文章未分段。 2. 句子结构不完整。倒数第二句中的 and also use them to… 应改为 can also be used to ,因为句子的 主语是 The money collected ,所以只能用被动语态。 3. 用词问题,如: ( 1 ) 冠词: …park was a public place 中的 park 前应有不定冠词 a ( 2 )用词不当。如: “ 形象 ” 不宜用 picture 最好用 appearance/image/scenery/form/figure 等词。

14 ( 3 ) if we built walls 中的 built 应改 为 build ,此处不能用一般过去时态, 因为后句用的是一般将来时态。 ( 4 )末句起到了归纳的作用,并有 强烈动感情色彩,但用 interesting 和 tiresome 不太贴切。 本文得分: 24 分。

15 【优秀答卷三实录】 Dear Editor, I’m writing to tell you about the discussion we’ve had about whether an entrance fee should be charged for parks. Sixty percent of students think that an entrance fee should not be charged. They said the park is the place built for the public. People have their rights to take a rest there. If the park charged the entrance fee, many park gates and guard walls will be needed. It just destroys the beautiful scenery of the city. But the rest of the students have different view. They think an entrance fee should be charged so that the park manager can pay the gardeners and more new plants can be bought. But they said it should be low. Yours truly Li Hua

16 【优秀答卷三点评】 文章包含全部要点,表达准确,书写流畅、清晰,语言 运用能力娴熟。特点: 1 . 用词的范围不是很大,没有很多的高级词汇,但很 地道。如 : built for the public , have their rights , park gates , just destroys , scenery of the city , different view 等。 2 . 被动语态的使用使文章增色不少,如: should not be charged, will be needed, can be bought 等。 3 . It just destroys 中的 just 和 the park manager 的使 用是作者的 “ 点石成金 ” 之笔。 展现了作者娴熟的语言运用能力。

17 缺点: 1. 文章未分段。 2. 冠词的使用有问题。 Sixty percent of 之后 要用定冠词 the 。 3. 围墙的英语表达法为: wall, enclosure 或 enclosing wall 一般不用 guard walls 。 4 . different view 最好改为: their different view 或 a different view 或 different views 。 该文得分 :25 分。

18 (1) On my six-year-old birthday,my father bought me a balloon a gift. Daddy blew up the balloon for me and I saw the balloon get big and the pattern on it was clear. I liked it very much. After thanked my father for the gift, I took it out and played together with other children. When seeing my balloon, they all said it was very beautiful. Their eyes are full of admiration. I felt very proud of myself. But later, a man who is my father’s friend, walked to me and then “Bung!!”. My favorite balloon was punctured by that man. I was scared by that loud noise I cried out. I was very angry even though the man said sorry. Until now, I really anger someone tease children! (A childhood experience)

19 (1) On my six-year-old birthday,my father bought me a balloon a gift. Daddy blew up the balloon for me and I saw the balloon get big and the pattern on it was clear. I liked it very much. After thanked my father for the gift, I took it out and played together with other children. When seeing my balloon, they all said it was very beautiful. Their eyes are full of admiration. I felt very proud of myself. But later, a man who is my father’s friend, walked to me and then “Bung!!”. My favorite balloon was punctured by that man. I was  scared by that loud noise  I cried out. I was very angry even though the man said sorry. Until now, I  really anger someone tease children!

20 (1) On my sixth birthday,my father bought me a balloon as a gift. Daddy blew up the balloon for me and I saw the balloon get big and the pattern on it was clear. I liked it very much. After thanking my father for the gift, I took it out and played together with other children. When seeing my balloon, they all said it was very beautiful. They are full of admiration. I felt very proud of myself. But later, a man who is my father’s friend, walked to me and then “Bung!!”. My favorite balloon was punctured by that man. I was so scared by that loud noise that I cried out. I was very angry even though the man said sorry. Until now, I am really angry with someone who teases children!

21 (2) A Diary Today I went to the park which was not far from my school at 9 o’clock to join a voluntary labor. All the students in my class went there, too. We were divided into three groups. I was in group two. Students in groups one planted trees as well as watered the flowers. I was up to the students in group two to pick up the litter thrown by tourists. In addition, they would clean the chairs in the park. The students in group three had an easier job.That is, clean the equipment of children’s playground. Everybody spared no effort to work. We really did a wonderful job. 人大附中 高三( 9 )班 于 懋

22 (2) date? weather? Today I went to the park, which was not far from my school at 9 o’clock to join  a voluntary labor. All the students in my class went there, too. We were divided into three groups. I was in group two. Students in groups one planted trees as well as watered the flowers. I was up to the students in group two to pick up the litter thrown by tourists. In addition, they would clean the chairs in the park. The students in group three had an easier job.That is, clean the equipment of children’s playground. Everybody spared no effort to work. We really did a wonderful job.

23 (2) 10 January, 2004 Snow Today I went to the park, which was not far from my school at 9 o’clock to join in(take part in) a voluntary labor. All the students in my class went there, too. We were divided into three groups. I was in group two. Students in groups one planted trees as well as watered the flowers. I was up to the students in group two to pick up the litter thrown by tourists. In addition, they cleaned the benches in the park. The students in group three had an easier job, that is, to clean the equipment of children’s playground. Everybody spared no effort to work. We really did a wonderful job.

24 (3) For me, dictionaries are like teachers. I often take advantage of them in many ways. First of all, I look up dictionaries for words to know their meanings and how to use them correctly. That makes me remember new words easily. Besides, some dictionaries even introduce the originals of words, so I can learn more about them. I still like to read dictionaries as to read stories because they don’t provide knowledge in language only, but offer lots of everyday sense as well. Above the all things, by checking out words in the dictionary, I have developed a habit to search information I need on myself. To sum up, dictionaries help me a lot that I cannot live without them.

25 For me, dictionaries are like teachers. I often take advantage of them in many ways. First of all, I look up dictionaries for words to know their meanings and how to use them correctly. That makes me remember new words easily. Besides, some dictionaries even introduce the originals of words, so I can learn more about them. I still like to read dictionaries as to read stories because they don’t provide knowledge in language only, but offer lots of everyday sense as well. Above the all things, by checking out words in the dictionary, I have developed a habit to search information I need on myself. To sum up, dictionaries help me a lot that I cannot live without them.

26 For me, dictionaries are like teachers. I often use them in many ways. First of all, I consult dictionaries for words to know their meanings and how to use them correctly. That helps me memorize new words easily. Besides, some dictionaries even give the origins of words, so I can learn more about them. I also like to read dictionaries as if they were stories because they not only provide knowledge in language, but offer lots of common information as well. Above all things, by checking words in the dictionary, I have developed a habit of searching information I need on my own. To sum up, dictionaries are so important to me that I cannot live without them.

27 (4) 给报社写篇短文谈沙尘暴环境治理 Dear editor, In the past my hometown used to be a beautiful place. There were tall trees and thick forests almost everywhere. And with the development of industry and agriculture, people began to burn down forests to make room for factories and farms. Poor animals had to run through fire smokes to look for better world. Thus after years and years of growing a certain corns without any changes, the land became poorer and poorer. So now here you will see nothing but wasteland. And when the wind blows, the sand starts. People pace heavily against the sand. What a sad sight ! Fortunately, the government has noticed the problem and was thinking of ways to deal with it. Yours sincerely, Qi Xiaoluo

28 (4) Dear editor, In the past my hometown used to be a beautiful place. There were tall trees and thick forests almost everywhere. And with the development of industry and agriculture, people began to burn down forests to make room for factories and farms. Poor animals had to run through fire smokes to look for better world. Thus after years and years of growing a certain corns without any changes, the land became poorer and poorer. So now here you will see nothing but wasteland. And when the wind blows, the sand starts. People pace heavily against the sand. What a sad sight ! Fortunately, the government has noticed the problem and was thinking of ways to deal with it. …… Yours sincerely, Qi Xiaoluo

29 (4) Dear editor, In the past my hometown used to be a beautiful place. There were tall trees and thick forests almost everywhere. But with the development of industry and agriculture, people began to burn down forests to make room for factories and farms. Poor animals had to run through fire smokes to look for better world. Thus after years and years of growing a certain crop without any changes, the land became poorer and poorer. So now here you will see nothing but wasteland. And when the wind blows, the sandstorm starts. People pace heavily against the sandstorm. What a sad sight ! Fortunately, the government has noticed the problem and has thought of ways to deal with it. I hope all of us should realize the serious environmental problem. What’s more, everyone should plant trees and do our best to protect the environment. Yours sincerely, Qi Xiaoluo


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