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CHOOSING CIVILITY Garrett Peterson DNP, RN, CRNA.

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1 CHOOSING CIVILITY Garrett Peterson DNP, RN, CRNA

2 Civility Project Dr. P.M. Forni Johns Hopkins Professor Co-founder of “Johns Hopkins Civility Project” Assessing the significance of civility, manners, and politeness in contemport society. Now called “The Civility Initiative at Johns Hopkins” directed by Dr. Forni Wrote “Choosing Civility: The Twenty-five Rules of Considerate Conduct” 2002

3 Choosing Civility Code of decency and behavior based on respect, restraint, and responsibility that we call “civility” We are not “flawlessly civil people” Measuring our success in life is the way we treat others Lessen the burden of living, refrain from adding to misery We develop thoughtfulness, foster effective self- expression and communication

4 What is Civility? “To be fully human, we must be able to imagine others' hurt and relate it to the hurt we would experience if we were in their place” Dr. Forni

5 What Civility means to you? Respect for others Consideration Courtesy Tact Decency Fairness Manners Kindness Self-Control Concern Justice Selflessness Etiquette Equality Honesty Trustworthiness Moderation Listening

6 Respect in Action Respect of others can be difficult We can do it!!! Our ability to identify with others, and feel what they feel EMPATHY NO action of ours is with without consequences for others

7 Happiness and the Mind The Happiness of your life depend upon the quality of your thoughts. - Marcus Aurelius

8 Civility and Self-Expression Restraint offers a space between intention and actions and the opportunity to protect others from actions or reactions that should exist only in your imagination - Stephanie Dowrick Rudeness is the weak man’s imitation of strength - Eric Hoffer

9 The Science of Love and Social Support When you feel loved, nurtured, cared for, supported, and intimate, you are much more likely to be happier and healthier. You have a much lower risk of getting sick and, if you do, a much greater chance of surviving – Dean Ornish

10 About the RULES We have a choice about how we behave, and that means we have the choice to opt for civility and grace - Dwight Currie

11 THE TWENTY-FIVE RULES OF CONSIDERATE CONDUCT

12 #1 Pay Attention When we pay attention We are alert to the world We improve the quality of our responses We improve the quality of our lives We improve the lives of those around us

13 #2 Acknowledge Others Acknowledge others existence Their importance to you Their feelings The things they do for you

14 #3 Think the BEST It is a decent thing to do! When we approach others assuming they are good, honest, and sensitive, we often encourage them to be just that If you think the best of others, it will show them they are good human beings, interested in pursing knowledge and willingness to work hard We might be as courteous to a man as we are to a picture, which we are willing to give the advantage of a good light - Ralph Waldo Emerson

15 #4 Listen Interested in their words and therefore their feelings We value the message and the messenger What prevents us from listening well? We are focusing on ourselves and our own needs This is what we do when we interrupt “Seize the limelight” Rudely pushing others off-stage “Disregard and proceed pattern” Much of the conflict in our lives can be explained by one simple but unhappy fact: we don’t really listen to each other - Michael P. Nichols

16 #4 Listen We are ineffective when we let our past experiences interfere with our attention we should be giving in the present Three components of good listening Plan your listening Show that you are listening Be a cooperative listener

17 #5 Be Inclusive We want to be accepted by others We pleasure in the feeling of belonging to a group Part of our identity is shaped by and within groups We find shelter, meaning and direction Attitudes and words that exclude rather than include are rarely funny, most often they hurt

18 #5 Be Inclusive Reevaluate your dislikes. Are they all warranted? Try speaking and listening to someone you never liked Make an effort to spend time with someone you have always found uninteresting Summarize the contents of an ongoing conversation for a newcomer Make a new neighbor feel welcome by just stopping by to say “Welcome” Develop an interest in cultures other than your own

19 #6 Speak Kindly Speaking with consideration and kindness is at the heart of civil behavior Speaking in kindness improves those around you Speak at an unhurried pace Speak at a moderate volume NO matter how much you disagree, others are entitled to sympathetic understanding

20 #6 Speak Kindly Certain profanities do offend and sometimes are painful Language containing curses and vulgar expression can be perceived as distasteful, hostile and abusive Don’t embarrass, belittle or laugh at others This is demeaning and aggressive Bragging is a ladder to “build” oneself out of words >>> confession to low self-esteem There is no such thing as bragging rights When we brag, we emphasize how much better than others we think we are

21 #7 Don’t Speak Ill What makes us speak ill of others? Unsure of our own worth We don’t have what it takes Competition with others Easier to point out others problems Revenge Privy to unflattering secrets Strengthening our connection with others

22 #7 Don’t Speak Ill Why shouldn’t we speak ill of others? Hurts them and their reputation Others may follow and do the same Cowardly to attack those not present We may be judged by those listening to us Makes others uncomfortable or angry Those being disparaged could retaliate Could even turn violent

23 #7 Don’t Speak Ill What should we do when someone speaks ill of others? Leave Remain silent Say something positive about the victim Openly communicate with the attacker that you are ill at ease i.e I am not comfortable speculating or I am not comfortable discussing this

24 #8 Accept and Give Praise Praise to others does not come easily We feel we are giving up control When we praise others, we feel good We can strengthen the bond with others Encourages those doing great things to continue doing so Create awareness in those who don’t feel they have wonderful gifts Nurture others self-esteem The U.S. Labor Department statistics show that feeling unappreciated at work is the leading cause of leaving a job Willingness to praise and reward is an essential asset for leaders at any level of any organization

25 #8 Accept and Give Praise When given a compliment… Acknowledge with a “thank you” Don’t add self-deprecating remarks Oh, I am not sure that I was that good Never solicit more praise than was given or expand on a compliment I was good, wasn’t I If given a compliment that is not yours, give credit where credit is due

26 #9 Respect Even a Subtle “No” Someone who turns down an invitation Not taking no for an answer is a bad idea and bad form Respect the “no” Most basic form of respect Refrain from interrogation Asking why is intrusive and guilt-inducing Say…”I just want you to know that we would be glad if you were to make it”

27 #9 Respect Even a Subtle “No” Why is it hard to take a “no” answer? The child in us wants his/her way Often a self esteem problem Interpreted as rejection Equate “no” as a threat to our self-image

28 #10 Respect Others Opinions Respecting opinions of others leads to respect of the whole person Requires: Self-esteem, self-control, sensitivity, tolerance, fairness and generosity Two ways of showing disrespect for others Telling them their opinions are crazy Assuming what we think is what they think

29 #10 Respect Others Opinions Protocols of qualified disagreement “Yes, I agree that what you say may be true, but there are circumstances when…” “Indeed, that idea can be appealing; however…” “I don’t know, it doesn’t seem right, but perhaps there is more here than meets the eye” “Yes, but if you look at it from a different point of view”

30 #10 Respect Others Opinions If the opinion is offensive Reject it outright “I’m sorry, I believe this is wrong” “I disagree and find this opinion offensive” “You know, this really goes against my principles” If someone dismisses our opinion It is just plain “Rude” Make room for disagreement Invite feedback We may learn something if we just listen to opposing views

31 #11 Mind Your Body Shows respect to ourselves and others We can offend others with our bodies How we look, smell, and what we do with them Civility of body management Begins with basic grooming habits Validates who we are Appear our best on the stage of life We often feel a sense of physical/psychological well- being

32 #11 Mind Your Body Essentials to good grooming Clean, odor free body Washed hair, clean finger/toe nails Well applied makeup, clean teeth and fresh breath Think of those around you Public places Long day at work Visiting your doctor

33 #12 Be Agreeable Make an effort to complement our plans with those around us Agree once in awhile – doesn’t make you an agreeable person Cultivate agreeability Consider you may be wrong Admit you don’t know

34 #12 Be Agreeable Listen to learn – rather than react Less likely to attack the other person Look for possibilities of agreement You don’t have to agree with everything !! Expressing your differences Needed to strengthen our identities and show independence Sometimes we need to do this Most of the time, we don’t

35 #13 Keep It Down (Rediscover Silence) Noise Most frustrating source of annoyance Management of noise is a must People don’t seem to see that it is a problem Turn off cell phone: meetings, churches, libraries, theaters, restaurants If you intervene, take a deep breath and remain clearheaded Sometimes we need noise but it can make it difficult to think during times when performance is crucial

36 #14 Respect Other People’s Time Other peoples time is valuable Punctuality is nonnegotiable Arriving on time is considerate behavior If you will be more than 5 minutes late: Call Don’t cancel appointments at the last minute Every appointment is a commitment Keep phone call short if you sense the other person is busy If you expect a lengthy call, ask if it is a good time to talk

37 #14 Respect Other People’s Time Call waiting Use infrequently or with an emergency Return to current caller quickly and apologize Respect deadlines at work Don’t hold your friends hostage Get their reaction or advice then move on Don’t cut meetings short because it is convenient for you Schedule meetings when you know you will be free

38 #15 Respect Others People’s Space Stand at an appropriate distance from others so that they won’t feel uncomfortable or intimidated Pay attention to others’ reactions during conversation Keep physical contact at work to a minimum Respect people’s “territory”

39 #16 Apologize Earnestly When we apologize, we acknowledge that we did something wrong and work at repairing the damage. Apologies should be thoughtfully conceived, clearly stated and heartfelt. We often see pseudo-apologies. “I’m sorry I yelled at you, but I am under a lot of stress these days” Expressions like “I know how you feel”, “I’m sorry you feel that way” are another form of pseudo-apologies.

40 #17 Assert Yourself Assertiveness is part of a quiet but powerful interactive skill of civility At times, we find that we are unable to willing to express it Example: Being invited to an event that we really don’t want to attend We feel guilty if we reject others They might not like us anymore When we don’t assert ourselves, it adds to needless frustration in our lives

41 #17 Assert Yourself Saying “NO” to something is saying “YES” to ourselves We are entitled to choose saying no Allows control over our time and energy It isn’t taking away something from others but keeping something that is ours Saying a firm, solid YES or a powerful NO, we experience elation

42 #17 Assert Yourself Arguments with friends, spouse etc Take some time to really think how you want to respond if given a halfhearted apology Sometimes you will be bullied to “let it go” or that “it isn’t that big of a deal” 3 elements of assertiveness 1. State the description of the behavior you find objectionable 2. The disclosure of the feelings stirred in you by the behavior 3. Naming of the behavior’s effect

43 #17 Assert Yourself Nonassertive behavior is a health risk Research has documents that self-neglect and overcompliance can compromise the functioning of the immune system What about being told that you blow things out of proportion or to “lighten up” or “chill out”? Here is how Dr. Forni would respond “”No, I am not going to chill out, and I’m telling you why. By telling me to chill out, you are saying that I’m overreacting, which is like saying that I shouldn’t feel the way I feel. I hope you’ll allow me to have my feelings and to express them the way I choose. Since I happen to feel strongly about this issue, there is no reason I should look the other way. I suggest that instead of making me feel bad about my reaction, you come to terms with the seriousness of your actions”

44 #18 Avoid Personal Questions Getting into others peoples business Most curiosities have to do with religion, politics, money, personal relationships, health, and physical appearance. Questions that some people may perceive as intrusive. Do you believe in God? Do you go to church? Is your child baptized? Are you liberal, conservative, who did you vote for? How much do you make? How much did it cost? What is your net worth?

45 #18 Avoid Personal Questions How old are you? Are you married? Are you pregnant? Did you have an affair? What are you seeing the doctor for? What kind of surgery did you have? Why are you so pale? Etc etc etc How do you respond? With civility of course I don’t feel comfortable talking about this Now is not the right time to discuss this Let’s not talk about money, if you don’t mind I prefer not to discuss personal matters I’m sorry, but I don’t see why you need to know

46 #19 Care for Your Guests Strive to make your guest have the best and most comfortable time when staying with you Guests shouldn’t feel that they have to earn your hospitality Dinner guest are under no obligation to help in the kitchen either before or after a meal What about guest that stay a week or more? You can expect some help from them If you let them help, they will feel more at home and not imposing on you

47 #19 Care for Your Guests But make time for yourself! You don’t have to be entertaining them every second Feel free to claim time for yourself Sometimes you need a break from being the host, allowing you to recharge

48 #20 Be a Considerate Guest Arrive and leave on time Don’t overstay your welcome Don’t bring surprise guests Don’t bring children if not invited NEVER assume that Fido or Boots are welcome Allergies Damage to the house

49 #20 Be a Considerate Guest Respect your friends house Don’t move furniture around Make your bed each morning Don’t linger in the bathroom if it is shared and leave it clean and tidy Keep TV or music volume low Don’t wander through the house Curiosity is not a good reason to appear uninvited in your hosts’ bedrooms, study, basement, or attic. OFF LIMITS!!

50 #21 Think Twice Before Asking for Favors Asking for favors can be an imposition Always try to be the solver of our own problems Keep requests reasonable The system of favors works until someone ends up doing most of the asking and someone else most of the granting Refraining from favors is difficult, but not as difficult as saying “No, thank you”

51 #21 Think Twice Before Asking for Favors What about friends and favors? Occasional exchange of favors occurs in any friendship Friendship is about how one fells with friends, not about what on can get from them No real friendship is based on the expectation that our friends be providers of favors

52 #21 Think Twice Before Asking for Favors Questions to ponder before asking for favors Do I need to ask for this favor or am I looking for an easy solution Is what I’m asking for ethical and legal Is it fair and reasonable to ask this of this person? Would I be comfortable granting this favor? Who else, other than me, is this going to effect? If I grant this favor, how is this going to affect my relationship with this person What if I am denied the favor?

53 #22 Refrain from Idle Complaints Some complaints are warranted Incompetent salesclerk, hostile cabdriver, disruptive child, unreasonable boss etc One complains in these situations to address the current problem, but also to help those deal with the problem maker in the future Continuous or recurrent complaining is unwarranted spreading of misery It shows helplessness rather than assertiveness It is more interested in assigning blame than in finding solutions Rooted in the feeling that life is unfair Complaining projects our own dissatisfaction with how we are handling our own lives This causes us to avoid recognition of our weaknesses and mistakes and while missing the chance to bring about positive change to our lives

54 #22 Refrain from Idle Complaints Idle complaining the focus is on the problems rather than solution Leads to a pessimistic outlook on life It spreads pessimism to others There are definitely problems in the world but there are also many solutions!! Think about your recurring complaints Work to eliminate them by refocusing on problem solving It will take time but you can do it

55 #23 Accept and Give Constructive Criticism Giving constructive criticism when circumstances suggest is the right thing to do Intent is to help with a problem!! Not to humiliate, manipulate, or get revenge

56 #23 Accept and Give Constructive Criticism Effective criticism Identify an issue rather than launching an attack Point out specific incident Describe what you have observed rather than uttering accusations or engage in name calling Show that you understand how the other person may feel Suggest a solution if the time is right Remain calm, kind, and empathetic

57 #23 Accept and Give Constructive Criticism Receiving Criticism Not all criticism is good, but it is not all bad If we reject it, we miss out on a source of knowledge and wisdom Be open minded If you are too busy building defenses, you will not be able to listen Ask is this criticism valid? Don’t argue, rather start thinking of the changes that you will make Thank them for their honest opinion Criticism makes us learn what we are unable or unwilling to learn by ourselves

58 #24 Respect the Environment and Be Gentle to Animals Environment Don’t litter Don’t use products that are harmful to the environment Recycle!!! Purchase recycled products Conserve water, electricity, and fuel

59 #24 Respect the Environment and Be Gentle to Animals Animals (how we treat animals is a measure of our character) Never neglect animals. Never use brutal force If you are not prepared to care for an animal 365 days a year……DON’T GET ONE!! Don’t give or accept animals as gifts unthinkingly Abandoning a family animal is NEVER an option Keep your animals safe Be kind to your animals

60 #25 Don’t Shift Responsibility and Blame People will try to minimize his or her responsibility by blaming someone else Often the wrong party We blame family, friends, co-workers, spouses and strangers. We blame inanimate objects, God, nature and government. Parents blame educators. Educators blame parents. As long as we can adequately shift responsibility we can avoid being accountable. However, shifting blame hinders relationships, focuses our lives on negativity and stunts our personal growth.

61 #25 Don’t Shift Responsibility and Blame You are accountable for your actions and your responses to other people’s action. When you fully appreciate that you will stop blaming others “When you can stop placing blame on others you will be on your way to improved psychological, physical and emotional health and well-being.” He says the first step is to take personal responsibility for your life and your decisions and appreciate the fact that you are in control of your destiny. - Dr. Neil Farber


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