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CHAPTER 7 – SINGLEHOOD, MATE SELECTION Instructor: Wendy Crapo.

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Presentation on theme: "CHAPTER 7 – SINGLEHOOD, MATE SELECTION Instructor: Wendy Crapo."— Presentation transcript:

1

2 CHAPTER 7 – SINGLEHOOD, MATE SELECTION Instructor: Wendy Crapo

3 Used by permission of THE ACADEMY OF NURSING 2355 E S. S.L.C., UT

4 What first attracts you to the opposite sex?What first attracts you to the opposite sex? What characteristics are most important to you?What characteristics are most important to you? Divide men & women into separate groups and come up with a list, in order of importance of what characteristics are important in the opposite sex.Divide men & women into separate groups and come up with a list, in order of importance of what characteristics are important in the opposite sex. You attract what you are….. not what you want.

5 Happiest couples feel their partner is attractive & they have the best sex lives. Appearance continues to be important through marriage. Changes in wife’s appearance have more effect than changes in husband’s appearance.Happiest couples feel their partner is attractive & they have the best sex lives. Appearance continues to be important through marriage. Changes in wife’s appearance have more effect than changes in husband’s appearance. Halo effect: The assumptions that good- looking people possess more desirable social characteristics.

6 THEORIES OF MATE SELECTION: Men are valued for status & money. Women are valued for good looks, child rearing & homemaking skills. Who is the most powerful man in America? Who is the most influential woman in America?

7 MARRIAGE GRADIENT: Why men choose younger women & women choose higher status.MARRIAGE GRADIENT: Why men choose younger women & women choose higher status. MARRIAGE SQUEEZE: Older women have fewer eligible males. Working women don’t need a man for a paycheck but want a companion.MARRIAGE SQUEEZE: Older women have fewer eligible males. Working women don’t need a man for a paycheck but want a companion.

8 Does not allow incestuous relationships.Does not allow incestuous relationships. Second cousins allowed to marry, first cousins over 40 years old.Second cousins allowed to marry, first cousins over 40 years old. Native Americans and Orientals marry outside race more often.Native Americans and Orientals marry outside race more often. FIELD OF ELIGIBLES: Culture approves of potential partners. ENDOGAMY: Marriage within a particular group. EXOGAMY: Marriage outside a particular group.

9 OPPOSITES ATTRACT FACT OR FALLACY? What things are important to have in common?

10 Race – 97% marriages of same race.Race – 97% marriages of same race. Religion – Greatest risk of divorce is if one is very religious.Religion – Greatest risk of divorce is if one is very religious. Socioeconomic Status – Men often marry down, women often marry up.Socioeconomic Status – Men often marry down, women often marry up. Age – Members of same generation at same life tasks. Gap has narrowed and age entering marriage has climbed.Age – Members of same generation at same life tasks. Gap has narrowed and age entering marriage has climbed. Propinquity – Residence, geographically limited locale (internet).Propinquity – Residence, geographically limited locale (internet). Important Similarities

11 Homogamous marriages are more likely to succeed because Heterogamous marriages: Different values and lack understanding.Different values and lack understanding. Lack approval from friends and family, less support.Lack approval from friends and family, less support. Less conventional, therefore less likely to stay married for looks.Less conventional, therefore less likely to stay married for looks. Heterogamous Marriages Activity – Take Temperament test.

12 WHO SHOULD I MARRY? PREDICTORS OF DIVORCE: Both teens = 3 to 4 x more likely to divorceBoth teens = 3 to 4 x more likely to divorce –Only 5% will last more than 5 years Girl is a teen = 2 x more likely to divorceGirl is a teen = 2 x more likely to divorce

13 Common skillsCommon skills Good emotional & physical healthGood emotional & physical health High self esteemHigh self esteem High education levelHigh education level Older age at first marriageOlder age at first marriage High social statusHigh social status Longer courtshipLonger courtship –average engagement 9 months –average acquaintance 2 – 2 1/2 years) Predictors of Success

14 Parent Model High marriage quality in family of originHigh marriage quality in family of origin High level of happiness in childhoodHigh level of happiness in childhood Positive relationship between parentsPositive relationship between parents Support from significant others Parent approval of spouseParent approval of spouse Liking of in-lawsLiking of in-laws Support of friendsSupport of friends

15 PURPOSES OF DATING SOCIALIZATION:SOCIALIZATION: To develop appropriate social skills to practice getting along with others in different settings. RECREATION:RECREATION: To have fun and enjoy the companionship of others, and to try new and different activities. MATE SELECTION:MATE SELECTION: To see others in many different settings, to compare the personality and characteristics of many people.

16 Is dating a reflection of real life?

17 STAGES OF DATING Stimulus Stage: Attraction is physical, mental or social.Stimulus Stage: Attraction is physical, mental or social. Value Stage: Weigh each other’s values to see if compatible. Usually determined between 2-7 dates (best to breakup here).Value Stage: Weigh each other’s values to see if compatible. Usually determined between 2-7 dates (best to breakup here). Role Stage: Analyze behaviors to determine filling roles as lover, companion, friend, worker, spouse and parent.Role Stage: Analyze behaviors to determine filling roles as lover, companion, friend, worker, spouse and parent.

18 1% of men preferred women who waited to be asked.1% of men preferred women who waited to be asked. 99% of men wanted women to hint to be asked.99% of men wanted women to hint to be asked. 50% of men preferred women to ask them out.50% of men preferred women to ask them out. HOW MANY GUYS WOULD ASK A GIRL OUT WITH OUT BEING GIVEN PERMISSION BEFOREHAND? Men are afraid of rejection from women.

19 Women most often covertly initiate meeting by sending nonverbal signals of interest.Women most often covertly initiate meeting by sending nonverbal signals of interest. Women control dating:Women control dating: FLIRT = ACT A – Animation C – Closeness: accidentally on purpose run into them. Be where they are. T – Touch: Catch eye, smile, touch elbow, etc (at least 3 times a week) Initiating a Date

20 HOW DO YOU MEET PEOPLE FOR DATING? Open field: A setting in which potential partners may not be likely to meet, characterized by large numbers of people who do not ordinarily interact, such as a beach, mall or campus.Open field: A setting in which potential partners may not be likely to meet, characterized by large numbers of people who do not ordinarily interact, such as a beach, mall or campus. Closed field: A setting in which potential partners may meet, characterized by a small number of people who are likely to interact, such as a class, dorm or party).Closed field: A setting in which potential partners may meet, characterized by a small number of people who are likely to interact, such as a class, dorm or party). Parties are the most common place 1/3 to 1/2 of all meetings are introductions by friends. (also internet, classified ads, dating services and churches)

21 PROBLEMS IN DATING Power is not usually a problem in dating but gender roles are.Power is not usually a problem in dating but gender roles are. Who pays?Who pays? Who decides?Who decides? CommunicationCommunication ShynessShyness Sexual pressureSexual pressure

22 BREAKING UP Be sure that you want to break up and are not just avoiding problems and issues.Be sure that you want to break up and are not just avoiding problems and issues. Acknowledge that your partner will be hurt.Acknowledge that your partner will be hurt. Once you end the relationship, do not continue seeing your former partner as friends for some time.Once you end the relationship, do not continue seeing your former partner as friends for some time. Don’t change your mind.Don’t change your mind. The pain & loneliness are natural.The pain & loneliness are natural. You are a worthwhile person whether you are with your partner or not.You are a worthwhile person whether you are with your partner or not. Keep a sense of humor.Keep a sense of humor.

23 SINGLEHOOD PROS?PROS? CONS?CONS?

24 Increasing: Divorced, widowed, never married Delayed marriageDelayed marriage Employment options for womenEmployment options for women Increased divorce & decreased likelihood of remarriageIncreased divorce & decreased likelihood of remarriage More women in collegeMore women in college More liberal social & sexual standardsMore liberal social & sexual standards Uneven ratios of unmarried women to menUneven ratios of unmarried women to men

25 Increases economic, & emotional independence.Increases economic, & emotional independence. Difficulty committing and doing what one ought to do rather than what one wants to do.Difficulty committing and doing what one ought to do rather than what one wants to do. Men need women less than women need men thus men flee obligation.Men need women less than women need men thus men flee obligation. Men less mentally healthy as single.Men less mentally healthy as single. Media portrays singles as glorified and marriage as unsatisfied with affairs.Media portrays singles as glorified and marriage as unsatisfied with affairs. SINGLEHOOD

26 TYPES OF NEVER MARRIEDS Ambivalence: voluntary and temporaryAmbivalence: voluntary and temporary Wishful: Involuntarily & temporaryWishful: Involuntarily & temporary Resolved: Permanent and prefer itResolved: Permanent and prefer it Regretful: Resigned to their fate. Often well educated, high income over 40 but no available men.Regretful: Resigned to their fate. Often well educated, high income over 40 but no available men.

27 MYTHS OF SINGLEHOOD Singles are dependent on their parentsSingles are dependent on their parents Singles are self-centeredSingles are self-centered Singles have more money (married couples are better off – dual incomes)Singles have more money (married couples are better off – dual incomes) Singles are happierSingles are happier Singles view single hood as a lifetime alternativeSingles view single hood as a lifetime alternative

28 CHARACTERISTICS OF SINGLEHOOD Singles don’t fit into married societySingles don’t fit into married society Singles have more timeSingles have more time Singles have more funSingles have more fun Singles are lonelySingles are lonely

29 COHABITATION

30 COHABITATION LEGAL PROBLEMS Can’t file joint tax returnCan’t file joint tax return Can’t make medical decisionsCan’t make medical decisions Can’t inheritCan’t inherit Can’t enter hospital or jail restricted to “family”Can’t enter hospital or jail restricted to “family” Can’t create estate trustCan’t create estate trust Can’t claim marital deduction on income taxCan’t claim marital deduction on income tax Can’t receive survivor insurance benefitsCan’t receive survivor insurance benefits Can’t get health benefits, bereavement leave, etcCan’t get health benefits, bereavement leave, etc Can’t collect unemployment if you move for a partners jobCan’t collect unemployment if you move for a partners job Can’t get residency status for a noncitizenCan’t get residency status for a noncitizen

31 COMMITMENT May not work as hard.May not work as hard. Lack of pooling of moneyLack of pooling of money More fighting & violenceMore fighting & violence Man not expected to support his partner, both workMan not expected to support his partner, both work Less social supportLess social support Greater likelihood of divorceGreater likelihood of divorce More liberal, independent, less religious, lower incomeMore liberal, independent, less religious, lower income

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33 WHY MARRIAGE MATTERS!! & HOW TO MAKE IT LAST

34 FAMILY: 1. Marriage increases the likelihood that fathers have good relationships with their children. 2. Cohabitation is not the functional equivalent of marriage. 3. Growing up outside an intact marriage increases the likelihood that children will themselves divorce or become unwed parents. 4. Marriage is a virtually universal human institution.

35 ECONOMICS: 5. Divorce and unmarried childbearing increase poverty for both children and mother. 6. Married couples seem to build more wealth on average than singles or cohabiting couples. 7. Married men earn more money than do single men with similar education and job histories.

36 8. Parental divorce appears to increase children’s risk of school failure. 9. Parental divorce reduces the likelihood that children will graduate from college and achieve high-status jobs.

37 PHYSICAL HEALTH & LONGEVITY 10. Children who live with their own two married parents enjoy better physical health, on average, than do children in other family forms.

38 11. Parental marriage is associated with a sharply lower risk of infant mortality. 12. Marriage is associated with reduced rates of substance abuse for both adults and teens. 13. Married people, especially married men, have longer life expectancies than do otherwise similar singles. 14. Marriage is associated with better health and lower rates of injury, illness and disability for both men & women.

39 MENTAL HEALTH & EMOTIONAL WELL-BEING 15. Children whose parents divorce have higher rates of psychological distress and mental illness. 16. Divorce appears significantly to increase the risk of suicide. 17. Married mothers have lower rates of depression than do single or cohabiting mothers.

40 CRIME & DOMESTIC VIOLENCE 18. Boys raised in single-parent families are more likely to engage in delinquent and criminal behavior. 19. Marriage appears to reduce the risk that adults will be either perpetrators or victims of crime.

41 20. Married women appear to have a lower risk of experiencing domestic violence than to cohabiting or dating women. 21. A child who is not living with his or her own two married parents is at greater risk of child abuse.

42 MAKING IT LAST FOR A LIFETIME!! MAKING IT LAST – FOR A LIFETIME Activity – In groups discuss Marriage Opinion 10.3

43 FIRST IMPRESSION = first illusions People tend to freeze first impressions in their mind. People tend to freeze first impressions in their mind. We want to make up our mind very quickly about a person. We want to make up our mind very quickly about a person. If these impressions are incorrect they will feel very uncomfortable & compromising. If these impressions are incorrect they will feel very uncomfortable & compromising.

44 “You aren’t the man/woman I married”. “You aren’t the man/woman I married”. “You seem different now”. “You seem different now”. “It isn’t the same as when we were dating”. “It isn’t the same as when we were dating”. “You cheated me”. “You cheated me”.

45 Misleading initial acts, impressions, and images can become disastrous later on. Misleading initial acts, impressions, and images can become disastrous later on. Clarify any misunderstanding as soon as possible. Clarify any misunderstanding as soon as possible.

46 ASSERT YOUR IDENTITY Partners must know and respect your identity. Partners must know and respect your identity. If it is compromised it becomes eroded and confused. If it is compromised it becomes eroded and confused. One must be “REAL”. One must be “REAL”.

47 RESOLVING PROBLEMS & CONFLICT Both partners must express their wants and needs honestly. Both partners must express their wants and needs honestly. Both partners must respect one another as peers. Both partners must respect one another as peers. Constructive resolutions build trust. Constructive resolutions build trust.

48 The time to share fears and confront the possibilities of conflict is from the start. The time to share fears and confront the possibilities of conflict is from the start. The greater the affection grows, the greater grows the fear of losing love. The greater the affection grows, the greater grows the fear of losing love. Don’t “love now & fight later”. Don’t “love now & fight later”. RESOLVING PROBLEMS & CONFLICT (continued)

49 Happily married couples: Summarize Summarize Paraphrasing Paraphrasing Validating Validating Clarification Clarification The object of marriage = peaceful coexistence 1.Bargaining – compromise (the best deal for both) 2.Agreement as a gift (without resentment) 3.Coexistence – Agree (to disagree & live with it)

50 ACHIEVE GENUINE INTIMACY Be totally honest and kind at the same time. Be totally honest and kind at the same time. Control negative destructive impulses & control your anger. Control negative destructive impulses & control your anger. Express your deepest fears, hopes, and emotions and everyday thoughts. Express your deepest fears, hopes, and emotions and everyday thoughts.

51 ACCEPT THE OTHER TOTALLY Marriage is a lifetime of getting to know each other. Marriage is a lifetime of getting to know each other. People do not really know each other when they marry. People do not really know each other when they marry.

52 Before marriage: We hide…… We hide…… We ignore…… We ignore…… We mislabel…… We mislabel…… We don’t agree on relevant matters… We don’t agree on relevant matters… We believe our loved one will change after marriage. We believe our loved one will change after marriage.

53 CHANGING, LEARNING, GROWING TOGETHER Be flexible – unforeseen events will happen. Be flexible – unforeseen events will happen. Be prepared for change – people change, situations shift, relationships take on new dimensions. Be prepared for change – people change, situations shift, relationships take on new dimensions. Couples can cope & adapt. Couples can cope & adapt.

54 Be enthusiastically involved in each others becoming as well as being. Have a positive attitude. Have a positive attitude. Express positive comments most of the time. Express positive comments most of the time. Criticism about inadequacies eliminates emotional space. Criticism about inadequacies eliminates emotional space.

55 True marriage Is not my devotion to you, Nor is it yours to me. True marriage Is our devotion to us. By Lois Wyse

56 From Rabbi Ben Ezra Grow old along with me! The best is yet to be, The last of life, for which the first was made. by Robert Browning

57 VOCABULARY CHAPTER 7 – SINGLEHOOD & PAIRING Closed field: A setting in which potential partners may meet Complimentary needs theory: We select partners whose needs are different from and/or complement our own needs Endogamy: Marriage within a particular group Exogamy: Marriage outside a group you belong to Field of eligibles: A group of individuals of the same general background and age who are culturally approved potential marital partners.

58 Vocabulary Continued 6. Halo effect: The tendency to infer positive characteristics or traits based on a person’s physical attractiveness Heterogamy: Marriage between those with different social or personal characteristics Homogamy: Marriage between those with similar social or personal characteristics Marriage gradient: The tendency for men to marry younger women of lower socioeconomic status and for women to marry older men of higher socioeconomic status.

59 Marriage Squeeze: The phenomenon in which there are greater numbers of marriageable women than marriageable men, particularly among older women and African-American women Open field: A setting in which potential partners may not be likely to meet Residential Propinquity: A pattern in which the chances of two people marrying are greater the closer they live to each other.


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