Presentation on theme: "Healing The Heart Broken By Debra L. Morrison, CFP®, MS, AEP Grief Coach 973-709-2244"— Presentation transcript:
Healing The Heart Broken By Debra L. Morrison, CFP®, MS, AEP Grief Coach 973-709-2244 Info@MsMorrisonSpeaks.com
Dr. James Van Praagh, Healing Grief, Reclaiming Life After Any Loss states “When someone or something is gone from our lives, we experience an array of physical, emotional, and spiritual sensations known as grief…Grief represents our underlying sense of insecurity.”
Grief Experiences Vary Retirement Death of a Pet Loss of Job/Career End of Addiction Financial Status—positive or negative Empty Nest Death of Former Spouse Marriage Death of a Partner Health Changes—good or bad Loss of a Home Holidays
How Long US Men (65) Live Life expectancy: 85+ Of men who are 65 today: – 52% will survive to 85 – 13% will survive to 95 Men Aged 65 Age Percentage Still Alive 65100% 7093% 7584% 8070% 8552% 9031% 9513% 1004%
How Long US Women (65) Live Life expectancy: 87+ Of women who are 65 today: – 59% will survive to 85 – 20% will survive to 95 Women Aged 65 Age Percentage Still Alive 65100% 7094% 7586% 8074% 8559% 9039% 9520% 1008%
Women Live Longer Women now aged 65 can expect to live about 2 years longer than men of the same age. Of people now 65, twice as many women as men will become centenarians. Women are much more likely to be alone in old age.
Carnage in Families’ Net Worth “Between 2007-2010, the median net worth of the American family dropped 39%....the biggest drop in net worth since the survey started in 1989… from $126,400 in 2007 to $ 77,300 in 2010.” By Lucia Mutikani, Thomson Reuters, June 11, 2012
Every 33.8 seconds A baby boomer (born between 1946-1964) dies. 51% of Marriages end in Divorce, Unemployment hovers at 8.2%. Death & Divorce & to a lesser extent Unemployment are here to stay, let’s learn to deal with it in the most productive way(s) possible.
Energy vs. Strength A LOT of energy is consumed to stuff grief down AND It takes strength/courage to let it bubble up; sense the relief…that’s the route to healing…
Tears are Normal when we’re sad A shower for the soul Nature’s stress relief system Necessary ingredient for healing A mark of bravery or courage Lucine is released when you cry, & only in tears of emotion do stressors get released. DLM: When we don’t grieve, we’re killing ourselves
Talk while you cry Push the words up and out when you cry, as often as you can. Lightly massage your throat to encourage the release of words. Journal your feelings.
Don’t allow anyone to SHOULD all over you! Trust your instincts There’s no ‘right amount of time to grieve’, yet seeing the ‘gift’ of months and years of your own life sooner may motivate you to keep moving. “if you’re going through hell, keep moving…”
What heartbroken people need To talk about their loss, by name, Their lawns mowed, Errands run, Professional referrals, Lunch and dinner invitations NOT more food….
Crippling Myths Time will heal everything Remembering = Not getting over Winning a lawsuit = Closure Don’t feel badly, we’ll replace the loss (plenty of fish in the sea)
Avoid handing over a tissue box Which connotes, “You’re making me uncomfortable, stop crying” Widow Amy Florian calls it the `shut-up box’ “you may use my tissues if you want; it’s up to you”. This gives her control just at the time she feels out of control…..
Fallacy of “it just takes time” As Aurora Winter, founder of the Grief Coach Academy, herself a widow at age 33, says, if a broken arm needs more than time to heal, so also do broken hearts need more than time to heal. The difference between taking 5-8 yrs to heal, as reported in Time Magazine, and healing more quickly depends on what you do with your time.
While owning situation is healthy Defining ourselves as victims or identifying as a `survivor’ infers a diagnosis Grief isn’t an ILLNESS; it’s a normal stage of life.
With choices come fear In choosing LIFE we aren’t expecting the grieving to stop… it will continue, naturally. Yet grief isn’t our address! It is temporary housing, perhaps. We may rent a room there, yet we don’t want to buy on Grief Avenue!
When we lose someone/something we love We have to build something from scratch… create a whole new identity, sans our former “role(s)” Choose to redefine normal…Unlearn the expected response….
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
PAIN ----------------------------------------- POWER Helplessness --------------------------------- Choice Depression------------------------------------ Excitement Paralysis --------------------------------------- Action Dr. Susan Jeffer’s Continuum from Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway
How Are You? “I’m FINE, really I am” Frightened Insecure Neurotic Exhausted… I will always listen to the truth, even when it’s hard, so I’m here if you’d like to share…
“This has to be one of the hardest things you’ve dealt with…. Would you like to tell me about it?”
When we’ve had a similar loss… “When John died, I felt like I was walking around in a fog for 3 months, how is it different for you?” “For me, I wish people would have ______ yet for you, what do you wish people would do?”
“In that split instant of the car crash My entire future was gone” cries our friend. No, John is gone, or Snowboots is gone; YOU still have a future, it’s just gonna be a lot different than you had planned, AND you can feel joy and peace and happiness again.
Bag Lady Fears Are MORE than prevalent; A widow’s greatest fear is becoming a bag lady #1 fear of over 50% of American women 90% of millionaires fear it
Normal You are healing, reality is setting in, yet need to keep taking one step after another, keep breathing…. So what has this week been for you, compared with a week ago? Note progress…
Invite a heartbroken person to Write down 2-3 action steps they need to do, and then say, “I’ll give you a call to see how you’re doing…” People love to-do lists and they WORK!
Recovery is Feeling Better Accepting our circumstances Finding new meaning (sans the fear of being hurt once more) Enjoying happy memories sans evoking painful feelings Feeling normal when you talk about your loss.
COULD it be that the worst thing Might actually the “best” thing? Now that the “worst thing” has happened, we can live an intentional life, fully conscious of the uncertainty of time; better focused on what’s important.
Phrases to avoid I know what you’re feeling, Yes, my aunt was also diagnosed, Don’t cry, everything will be alright, You’ve gotta be strong, Keep yourself busy,
Making it through the holidays Pain since happy messages are at odds with our lives…. Make our own peace & happiness a priority, Get present by consciously breathing, Plan to meet friends, have set appointments to shop or entertain or sit by the fire, Volunteer to help distribute toys, or otherwise GIVE to others, Make check lists/focus upon completing one task before starting another…
Know thyself Nurture ourselves If being with family would require us to “fake happiness” so as not to disappoint others, arrange to be with a best friend instead. Meditate and/or retreat Perhaps be at home for some of the time, and then get away if home memories are too painful. Have COURAGE to do what’s best for US!