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Al.turtlecounseling.com Power and Passivity in Relationships Understanding the Dynamics of Emotional Symbiosis Based on Harville Hendrix Presentation “The.

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Presentation on theme: "Al.turtlecounseling.com Power and Passivity in Relationships Understanding the Dynamics of Emotional Symbiosis Based on Harville Hendrix Presentation “The."— Presentation transcript:

1 al.turtlecounseling.com Power and Passivity in Relationships Understanding the Dynamics of Emotional Symbiosis Based on Harville Hendrix Presentation “The Disease of the Disease” 9/30/94 ColoradoQuest By Al Turtle November 7, 2008 To run this PowerPoint on your own. Press Spacebar to advance. Also > (left arrow) and < (right arrow) may work. There are 52 slides with a lot of in-slide animation.

2 al.turtlecounseling.com This is a presentation of my ideas, beliefs, discoveries, and understandings. It is based on my forty years of studies, experiments, trials, and reflective teaching. My path has led me through college, extended post-graduate work, and into the therapy room – from both ends. In the past 14 years I have closely observed the troubles of well over 2400 couples.

3 al.turtlecounseling.com With all that said, this is still just a collection of my opinions. They are my best ideas, but still only mine. I expect you to disagree. I hope you disagree. I share my thoughts with you so that you may add something new to your own thinking, beliefs, and practices. If you find some ideas useful, I encourage you to use it. If you don’t find them useful, drop them in the wastebasket on the way out.

4 al.turtlecounseling.com Questions I have enjoyed hearing Power and Control Gender politics Exposure of children Efficacy of Batterer Treatment Programs Perpetrator/Victim discussions Prediction and Prevention –“Stop it” one step before it happens

5 al.turtlecounseling.com In the Therapy Room “70% of couples are pre-DV” ? Value of Couples Therapy in DV My experience 100% of couples I see are Pre-DV 40% admit to DV in the first session –90% of those admit to witnessing DV in families

6 al.turtlecounseling.com Start from New Place Decade ago I repeatedly witnessed Marriage Therapists become verbally violent among each other. Shift in syntax and use of words Marriage violence extends into 2 nd & 3 rd marriages even if Individual Counseling involved. Marriage Therapist divorce rate very high. Also for police, firemen, those with “degrees of difficulty” (PhDs, LLDs, MDs, DDs, and especially ex-military School violence studies and “bullying” Secrecy, blindness Blame and guilt of caretakers/guardians/teachers, etc.

7 al.turtlecounseling.com Bully A person who wants their way, and if they don’t get it, they make other people unhappy.

8 al.turtlecounseling.com Emotional Symbiosis 1.A belief that there is a correct way to view or value everything. 2.A limited awareness that all people see everything differently. 3.A tendency to denigrate, demean, put down, kill others when they display their difference. H. Hendrix 1994

9 al.turtlecounseling.com Familiar Tone of Efficiency Truth System True Right Fact Real Important B&W Ask the Master MASTER SLAVE

10 al.turtlecounseling.com SLAVE Familiar Tone of Efficiency Truth System True Right Fact Real Important B&W Unstable 1) Never know when the “obedient” slave will rebel, revolt, quit, leave. Slaves do not talk. 2) Masters make all the decisions, but know ½ the information on which to base those decisions. They often make poor decisions. MASTER SLAVE

11 al.turtlecounseling.com MASTER SLAVE Familiar Tone of Efficiency Truth System True Right Fact Real Important B&W Unstable Punishment System Push down Humiliate, degrade, demote, shame, ridicule, intimidate, beat down, hit, etc. Threaten: “All people think this..” “Patriots think this…” “Everyone sane knows that….” “All right minded people believe ….”

12 al.turtlecounseling.com MASTER SLAVE Familiar Tone of Efficiency Truth System True Right Fact Real Important B&W Unstable Punishment System Push down Push out Fire, excommunicate, discharge, exile, shun, ostracize, eject, divorce, “send to your room” Threaten: “My way or the highway”

13 al.turtlecounseling.com MASTER SLAVE Familiar Tone of Efficiency Truth System True Right Fact Real Important B&W Unstable Punishment System Push down Push out Symptom #1 One person is quiet. Symptom #2 Arguing Two trying to be Master at the same time, or both avoiding being Slave. Both using Punishment Systems! Two Bullies. To me, arguing is a hopeful sign. Both want something better.

14 al.turtlecounseling.com MASTER SLAVE Familiar Tone of Efficiency Truth System True Right Fact Real Important B&W Unstable Punishment System Push down Push out American Revolution “Allergic reaction to being slave.” Consider teenagers Democracy One person – one vote FRIEND Very stableUnfamiliar Win - WinNatural Very inefficientRequires Patience Must be trained. Boot Camp! Win Lose in the short run. In the long run it is much more efficient, just slow! Fortunately this is an adult skill everyone can learn.

15 al.turtlecounseling.com MASTER SLAVE Familiar Tone of Efficiency Truth System True Right Fact Real Important B&W Unstable Punishment System Push down Push out American Revolution “Allergic reaction to being slave.” Democracy One person – one vote FRIEND Very stableUnfamiliar Win - WinNatural Very inefficientRequires Patience Win Lose A skill to be learned, not a fixed trait. An adult skill. Children are born impatient. Must be learned. Humans are designed to learn it. If you don’t learn it, you will be attracted to Master/Slave. NO TRUTHMultiple Points of View Truth is outside the system. Everyone experiences it differently. With one vote each, who has the truth?

16 al.turtlecounseling.com MASTER SLAVE Familiar Tone of Efficiency Truth System True Right Fact Real Important B&W Unstable Punishment System Push down Push out American Revolution “Allergic reaction to being slave.” Democracy One person – one vote FRIEND Very stableUnfamiliar Very inefficientRequires Patience NO TRUTHMultiple Points of View MasterTalk A sentence that implies a single truth exists. Master has that truth. Threatens any who disagree. Purpose is to keep order. POWER. A sentence that implies a single truth exists, Slave doesn’t have it. Signals conformity, obedience, conflict avoidance. POWERLESSNESS. Dialogue A sentence that implies more than one view of the truth exists. It makes room for sharing, especially of disagreement. SHARED POWER.

17 al.turtlecounseling.com MASTER SLAVE Familiar Tone of Efficiency Truth System True Right Fact Real Important B&W Unstable Punishment System Push down Push out American Revolution “Allergic reaction to being slave.” Democracy One person – one vote FRIEND Very stableUnfamiliar Very inefficientRequires Patience NO TRUTHMultiple Points of View MasterTalk Dialogue

18 al.turtlecounseling.com MASTER SLAVE Familiar Tone of Efficiency Truth System True Right Fact Real Important B&W Unstable Punishment System Push down Push out American Revolution “Allergic reaction to being slave.” Democracy One person – one vote FRIEND Very stableUnfamiliar Very inefficientRequires Patience NO TRUTHMultiple Points of View MasterTalk Dialogue

19 al.turtlecounseling.com MASTER SLAVE Familiar Tone of Efficiency Truth System True Right Fact Real Important B&W Unstable Punishment System Push down Push out American Revolution “Allergic reaction to being slave.” Democracy One person – one vote FRIEND Very stableUnfamiliar inefficient Very inefficientRequires Patience NO TRUTH!Multiple Points of View MasterTalk Benefits Peaceful Fair Respectful Reliable Trust building Enduring ? Benefits ? No responsibility Victimicity Blame All people are responsible, 24/7 For What? Requires Boundary Skills Dialogue All responsibilityControl

20 al.turtlecounseling.com MASTER SLAVE Familiar Tone of Efficiency Truth System True Right Fact Real Important B&W Unstable Punishment System Push down Push out American Revolution “Allergic reaction to being slave.” Democracy One person – one vote FRIEND Very stableUnfamiliar inefficient Very inefficientRequires Patience NO TRUTH!Multiple Points of View MasterTalk All people are responsible, 24/7 For What? Must learn Boundary Skills Dialogue Symptoms: 1.One person is quiet, 2.Arguing, 3.Blame, Guilt, 4.Victimicity, innocence 5.MasterTalk Learn: make it familiar Good Boundary Skills Control No responsibility

21 al.turtlecounseling.com MASTER SLAVE Familiar Tone of Efficiency Truth System True Right Fact Real Important B&W Unstable Punishment System Push down Push out American Revolution “Allergic reaction to being slave.” Democracy One person – one vote FRIEND Very stableUnfamiliar inefficient Very inefficientRequires Patience NO TRUTH!Multiple Points of View MasterTalk All people are responsible, 24/7 For What? Dialogue Control No responsibility Good Boundary Skills Wants Control and No responsibility Uses Punishment System w/o Truth System. PASSIVE MASTER

22 al.turtlecounseling.com MASTER SLAVE Familiar Tone of Efficiency Truth System True Right Fact Real Important B&W Unstable Punishment System Push down Push out American Revolution “Allergic reaction to being slave.” Democracy One person – one vote FRIEND Very stableUnfamiliar inefficient Very inefficientRequires Patience NO TRUTH!Multiple Points of View MasterTalk All people are responsible, 24/7 For What? Dialogue Control No responsibility Good Boundary Skills PASSIVE MASTER Control & No Responsibility 1.How many kids in your family? Add 2. 2.When all together who was boss/bully/Master? 3.Take away & now who? Always learn both positions.

23 al.turtlecounseling.com MASTER SLAVE Familiar Tone of Efficiency Truth System True Right Fact Real Important B&W Unstable Punishment System Push down Push out American Revolution “Allergic reaction to being slave.” Democracy One person – one vote FRIEND Very stableUnfamiliar inefficient Very inefficientRequires Patience NO TRUTH!Multiple Points of View MasterTalk All people are responsible, 24/7 For What? Dialogue Control No responsibility Good Boundary Skills PASSIVE MASTER Control & No Responsibility Goals 1.Durably stay in Friend/Friend. 2.Recognize Master/Slave behaviors. 3.Dialogically invite people to join you. Gently & firmly insist. Easiest Harder Difficult. Very, very difficult.

24 al.turtlecounseling.com MASTER SLAVE Familiar Tone of Efficiency Truth System True Right Fact Real Important B&W Unstable Punishment System Push down Push out American Revolution “Allergic reaction to being slave.” Democracy One person – one vote FRIEND Very stableUnfamiliar inefficient Very inefficientRequires Patience NO TRUTH!Multiple Points of View MasterTalk All people are responsible, 24/7 For What? Dialogue Control No responsibility Good Boundary Skills PASSIVE MASTER Control & No Responsibility Symptoms: 1.One person is quiet, 2.Arguing, 3.Blame, Guilt, 4.Victimicity, innocence 5.MasterTalk

25 al.turtlecounseling.com MASTER SLAVE Familiar Tone of Efficiency Truth System True Right Fact Real Important B&W Unstable Punishment System Push down Push out American Revolution “Allergic reaction to being slave.” Democracy One person – one vote FRIEND Very stableUnfamiliar inefficient Very inefficientRequires Patience NO TRUTH!Multiple Points of View MasterTalk All people are responsible, 24/7 For What? Dialogue Control No responsibility Good Boundary Skills PASSIVE MASTER Control & No Responsibility Symptoms: 1.One person is quiet, 2.Arguing, 3.Blame, Guilt, 4.Victimicity, innocence 5.MasterTalk Power and Powerlessness in Couples, Part One

26 al.turtlecounseling.com MASTER SLAVE FRIEND PASSIVE MASTER FRIEND LEADER FOLLOWER MASTER SLAVE FRIEND PASSIVE MASTER FRIEND PASSIVE MASTER SLAVE POWER RELATIONSHIPS Immature, dysfunctional relating Normal DIALOGICAL RELATIONSHIPS Mature, functional relating Super-normal

27 al.turtlecounseling.com Cautionary Note Today we will discuss many specific indicators and interactions of Power and Powerlessness. This may give you significantly increased insight into your own behavior habits and into those of others. Please remember –People we see in our offices are what I call “Normal,” with a desire to do much better. This gives us a contract to work with/for them. Be helpful. –Most people around us (friends, family, associates, etc) I usually see as “Normal.” Though they may display many of the indicators we talk of today, I don’t believe we have a contract to work with them. Consider remaining quiet. –People who are moving toward, close to, or in “Conscious Marriage,” will display more and more of the indicators of being Dialogical. Enjoy being with them. I have found this material to be very empowering. I have also found it to trigger explosive reactions in others.

28 al.turtlecounseling.com MASTER FRIEND LEADER FOLLOWER FRIEND PASSIVE MASTER SLAVE POWER RELATIONSHIPSDIALOGICAL RELATIONSHIPS Mature, functional relating Super-normal Immature, dysfunctional relating Normal Integrating Dis-Integrating

29 al.turtlecounseling.com MASTER FRIEND LEADER FOLLOWER FRIEND PASSIVE MASTER SLAVE POWER RELATIONSHIPSDIALOGICAL RELATIONSHIPS Mature, functional relating Super-normal Immature, dysfunctional relating Normal Level 1-up Level 1-down Peer Level

30 al.turtlecounseling.com MASTER FRIEND LEADER FOLLOWER FRIEND PASSIVE MASTER SLAVE POWER RELATIONSHIPSDIALOGICAL RELATIONSHIPS Mature, functional relating Super-normal Immature, dysfunctional relating Normal Temporary Positions Temporary organization related to a specific situation. “A hierarchy is a compromise between a group’s need to support diversity, and its need to make decisions.” Examples: business, military, cars, boats, airplanes Reasons 1.Functional, skilled leaders 2.Emergency 3.Property consensual

31 al.turtlecounseling.com MASTER FRIEND LEADER FOLLOWER FRIEND PASSIVE MASTER SLAVE POWER RELATIONSHIPSDIALOGICAL RELATIONSHIPS Mature, functional relating Super-normal Immature, dysfunctional relating Normal

32 al.turtlecounseling.com MASTER FRIEND LEADER FOLLOWER FRIEND PASSIVE MASTER SLAVE POWER RELATIONSHIPSDIALOGICAL RELATIONSHIPS Mature, functional relatingImmature, dysfunctional relating Valley of the Masters

33 al.turtlecounseling.com MASTER PASSIVE MASTER SLAVE POWER RELATIONSHIPS Immature, dysfunctional relating Valley of the Masters

34 al.turtlecounseling.com MASTER PASSIVE MASTER SLAVE POWER RELATIONSHIPS Immature, dysfunctional relating Valley of the Masters

35 al.turtlecounseling.com MASTER Entitlement Wants what he/she wants. Uses threat/temper to get it. Very poor empathy skills. PASSIVE MASTER SLAVE POWER RELATIONSHIPS Immature, dysfunctional relating Valley of the Masters Do this! Think this! Or else!

36 al.turtlecounseling.com MASTER Entitlement Wants what he/she/wants. Uses threat to get it. Very poor empathy skills. PASSIVE MASTER SLAVE An obedient servant / caretaker Conflict avoidant Intuits others “getting upset.” Very poor self-nurturing skills. Very dependent on others. POWER RELATIONSHIPS Immature, dysfunctional relating Valley of the Masters Do this! Think this! Or else. What should I do? What should I think? I’ll be good! What do you need? Are you upset? How can I help?

37 al.turtlecounseling.com MASTER Entitlement Wants what he/she wants. Uses threat to get it. Very poor empathy skills. PASSIVE MASTER Entitlement Wants what he/she wants Displays “distress” to get it Dependent on others SLAVE A caretaker / obedient servant Intuits other people getting upset. Conflict avoidant Very poor self-nurturing skills. Very dependent on others POWER RELATIONSHIPS Immature, dysfunctional relating Valley of the Masters Do this! Think this! Or else. What should I do? What should I think? I’ll be good! What do you need? Are you upset? How can I help? I need this…. This upsets me …. (passive waiting)

38 al.turtlecounseling.com MASTER PASSIVE MASTER SLAVE POWER RELATIONSHIPS Immature, dysfunctional relating Valley of the Masters MasterTalk “You are wrong…” “This is a fact…” “The truth is…” “What we are really talking about is…” “That is not what we are talking about…” “I know what you are thinking…” “What is going on is…” “You are cruel…” “We all know…” Control what is said “Don’t say that…” “You’d better learn to control what you are saying…” “I don’t think I should tell you…” “I don’t want to say…” “If you don’t know how to say it nicely, say nothing…” “Hold your tongue, young man!” “Children are to be seen and not heard.”

39 al.turtlecounseling.com MASTER PASSIVE MASTER SLAVE POWER RELATIONSHIPS Immature, dysfunctional relating Valley of the Masters Take care of me  “I need this.” followed by waiting.  “I have this problem.” followed by waiting.  “That hurt me.” followed by waiting.  “You’re mean.” followed by waiting.  “That is a hurtful joke.” followed by waiting.  “I can’t stand it.” followed by waiting.  “You are giving me a headache.” followed by waiting.  “That scares me.” followed by waiting. Control what is said “Don’t say that…” “I can’t listen to that.” “You’d better learn to control what you are saying…” “I don’t want to hear any more.” “If you don’t know how to say it nicely, say nothing…”

40 al.turtlecounseling.com MASTER PASSIVE MASTER SLAVE POWER RELATIONSHIPS Immature, dysfunctional relating Valley of the Masters Avoiding Responsibility  “I don’t know.”  “I am lost.”  “I am helpless.”  “Why do I do that?”  “I don’t know what to do.”  “I have nothing to say.” Silence Fill me. I am empty.  “What is the right way to do that?”  “What should I do?”  “Tell me what to do.”  “What is correct?”  “Did I really do that?”  “Take care of me?”  “Am I right?”  “What are we going to do?”  “Do I make any sense?”  “You tell me!” I am responsible for you  “I don’t want to upset her.”  “I can’t say that. It would hurt him.”  “What did I do wrong?”  “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything.”  “I want everyone to like me.”  “I hate conflict.”  “Please, don’t cry.”  “Don’t say that!”  “I won’t do it again. I promise!”  “I’m sorry, I hurt you.”  The repeated use of “OK” at the end saying something.  Almost all instances of political correctness are examples of a Slave to Passive-Master communication.

41 al.turtlecounseling.com MASTER PASSIVE MASTER SLAVE POWER RELATIONSHIPS Immature, dysfunctional relating Valley of the Masters Do this! Think this! Or else. What should I do? What should I think? I’ll be good! What do you need? Are you upset? How can I help? I need this…. This upsets me …. (passive waiting) What is in it for the slave?

42 al.turtlecounseling.com MASTER PASSIVE MASTER SLAVE POWER RELATIONSHIPS Immature, dysfunctional relating Valley of the Masters Do this! Think this! Or else. What should I do? What should I think? I’ll be good! What do you need? Are you upset? How can I help? I need this…. This upsets me …. (passive waiting) What is in it for the slave?

43 al.turtlecounseling.com POWER RELATIONSHIPS Immature, dysfunctional relating Valley of the Masters SLAVE What should I do? What should I think? I’ll be good! What do you need? Are you upset? How can I help?

44 al.turtlecounseling.com POWER RELATIONSHIPS Immature, dysfunctional relating Valley of the Masters SLAVE What should I do? What should I think? I’ll be good! What do you need? Are you upset? How can I help? Created in early childhood Submitting, normally a temporary survival tactic, in this situation has morphed into a semi- permanent posture. “Stockholm-syndrome” and “Learned helplessness” “I will survive if I conform, submit, don’t upset anyone, make their lives better, and keep them happy.” Codependency

45 al.turtlecounseling.com POWER RELATIONSHIPS Immature, dysfunctional relating Valley of the Masters SLAVE What should I do? What should I think? I’ll be good! What do you need? Are you upset? How can I help? Created in early childhood Submitting, normally a temporary survival tactic, in this situation has morphed into a semi-permanent posture. Reptilian Brain Clinger Version: seeks connection, with more or less panic, and when attachment is “achieved” begins to submit in order to be comfortable, survive. Avoider form: is passive about connection. When alone, this person functions peacefully with no panic. When another appears, they immediately begin to submit as a way to be comfortable, survive.

46 al.turtlecounseling.com MASTER Entitlement Wants what he/she wants. Uses threat to get it. Very poor empathy skills. PASSIVE MASTER Entitlement Wants what he/she wants Displays “distress” to get it Dependent on others SLAVE A caretaker / obedient servant Intuits other people getting upset. Conflict avoidant Very poor self-nurturing skills. Very dependent on others POWER RELATIONSHIPS Immature, dysfunctional relating Valley of the Masters Do this! Think this! Or else. What should I do? What should I think? I’ll be good! What do you need? Are you upset? How can I help? I need this…. This upsets me …. (passive waiting) Early Childhood “Threat / temper works. It gets me what I want.” Lesson is taught by parents who are Slaves. Early Childhood “People always take care of my needs. I have only to ask or complain.” These have made it into adulthood w/o learning to earn what they get. Early childhood “I will survive if I conform, submit, don’t upset anyone, make their lives better, and keep them happy.” “Passive Slaves Make Bullies.” “Passive Slaves Make Passive Masters.” Masters and Passive Masters make Slaves

47 al.turtlecounseling.com MASTER Entitlement Wants what he/she ants. Uses threat to get it. Very poor empathy skills. PASSIVE MASTER Entitlement Wants what he/she wants Displays “distress” to get it Dependent on others SLAVE A caretaker / obedient servant Intuits other people getting upset. Conflict avoidant Very poor self-nurturing skills. Very dependent on others POWER RELATIONSHIPS Immature, dysfunctional relating Valley of the Masters Do this! Think this! Or else. What should I do? What should I think? I’ll be good! What do you need? Are you upset? How can I help? I need this…. This upsets me …. (passive waiting) “Adult Passive Slaves Encourage Adult Bullies.” “Adult Passive Slaves Encourage Adult Passive Masters.” Adult Masters and Passive Masters Encourage Slaves It takes teamwork. “Dysfunctional Dialogue”

48 al.turtlecounseling.com MASTER Entitlement Wants what he/she/wants. Uses threat to get it. Very poor empathy skills. PASSIVE MASTER Entitlement Wants what he/she wants Displays “distress” to get it Dependent on others SLAVE A caretaker / obedient servant Intuits other people getting upset. Conflict avoidant Very poor self-nurturing skills. Very dependent on others POWER RELATIONSHIPS Immature, dysfunctional relating Valley of the Masters Do this! Think this! Or else. What should I do? What should I think? I’ll be good! What do you need? Are you upset? How can I help? I need this…. This upsets me …. (passive waiting) Break up the blindness. Develop their empathy skills. End the temper and threats. Never permit bullying. (Use Boundary Skills and TimeOuts.) Be not a caretaker, yourself. Turn the pause into an invitation for their solution. They must learn to earn what they get. Dialogue about their choices, but leave the decision up to them. Cut them off from “authorities” and “needy” people. Guide them to learning how they act, how they got that way, sharing their story with others. Guide them into awareness of self and self-responsibility. Easiest A Bit Harder Most rewarding. “Like giving birth to a self.”

49 al.turtlecounseling.com MASTER Entitlement Wants what he/she wants. Uses threat to get it. Very poor empathy skills. PASSIVE MASTER Entitlement Wants what he/she wants Displays “distress” to get it Dependent on others SLAVE A caretaker / obedient servant Intuits other people getting upset. Conflict avoidant Very poor self-nurturing skills. Very dependent on others POWER RELATIONSHIPS Immature, dysfunctional relating Valley of the Masters

50 al.turtlecounseling.com MASTER PASSIVE MASTER SLAVE POWER RELATIONSHIPS Immature, dysfunctional relating Valley of the Masters

51 al.turtlecounseling.com MASTER FRIEND LEADER FOLLOWER FRIEND PASSIVE MASTER SLAVE POWER RELATIONSHIPSDIALOGICAL RELATIONSHIPS Mature, functional relatingImmature, dysfunctional relating Valley of the Masters Let’s keep moving to here.

52 al.turtlecounseling.com References My Website: –Then search my topics on skills of Autonomy. Or Google or MSN Search Phrases: –Al turtle master/slave –Al turtle power passivity –Al turtle power foundations –Al turtle boundaries –Al turtle who is to blame –Al turtle mastertalk Download and use my material, no charges.


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