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Conflict Resolution Harlan Kilmon. Workshop Learning Objectives Be better able to recognize how anger affects your body, your minds and your behavior.

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Presentation on theme: "Conflict Resolution Harlan Kilmon. Workshop Learning Objectives Be better able to recognize how anger affects your body, your minds and your behavior."— Presentation transcript:

1 Conflict Resolution Harlan Kilmon

2 Workshop Learning Objectives Be better able to recognize how anger affects your body, your minds and your behavior. Be better able to recognize how anger affects your body, your minds and your behavior. Be better able to use the five-step method to break old patterns and replace them with a model for assertive conflict-resolution. Be better able to use the five-step method to break old patterns and replace them with a model for assertive conflict-resolution. Be better able to control your own emotions when faced with other peoples’ anger. Be better able to control your own emotions when faced with other peoples’ anger. Be better able to identify ways to help other people safely manage some of their repressed or expressed emotions. Be better able to identify ways to help other people safely manage some of their repressed or expressed emotions.

3 Understanding Our Reactions to Conflict Our thoughts when we are faced with conflict. Our thoughts when we are faced with conflict. The emotions that conflict arouses. The emotions that conflict arouses. The ways we “act out” when we’re upset. The ways we “act out” when we’re upset. How we experience the world when we are upset. How we experience the world when we are upset. How we act when we are upset. How we act when we are upset. Think of conflict-related stress as five interrelated dimensions, all operating simultaneously.

4 Stress and Anger a stuffy crowded department store at Christmas time a stuffy crowded department store at Christmas time a lively, noisy party a lively, noisy party a bus queue on a bitterly cold day a bus queue on a bitterly cold day a queue for the beach bar on some tropical island a queue for the beach bar on some tropical island a corridor at work a corridor at work a store being evacuated because of a bomb scare a store being evacuated because of a bomb scare Take a moment to image your reaction if someone bumps into you in these different situations:

5 Our Responses to Conflict- Related Stress Our physical reactions when we are upset: Our physical reactions when we are upset: Our emotions when we are upset: Our emotions when we are upset: Our behavior when we are upset: Our behavior when we are upset:

6 Long term effect of all these tensions in our body cause or exacerbate digestive disorders such ulcers cause or exacerbate digestive disorders such ulcers create hypertension/high blood pressure create hypertension/high blood pressure raise cholesterol levels raise cholesterol levels damage and block our arteries damage and block our arteries aggravate bowel disease aggravate bowel disease

7 Long term effect of all these tensions in our body increase our susceptibility to infection increase our susceptibility to infection intensify pain intensify pain create headaches and sinus conditions create headaches and sinus conditions contribute to inflammatory conditions contribute to inflammatory conditions hinder our recovery from major traumas such as operations or serious illnesses hinder our recovery from major traumas such as operations or serious illnesses

8 Anger Affects Our Thinking When might anger be an appropriate response to conflict? When might anger be an appropriate response to conflict? When would anger be an inappropriate response? When would anger be an inappropriate response? To help you determine whether anger is your best response, ask yourself: Is my anger helping me or hurting me? To help you determine whether anger is your best response, ask yourself: Is my anger helping me or hurting me?

9 Ways our thinking gets distorted Magnifying Magnifying Destructive labeling Destructive labeling Imperative thinking Imperative thinking Mind reading Mind reading

10 Interventions We Can Use to Manage Conflict Identifying provocations Identifying provocations Alternative explanations Alternative explanations Combating distortions Combating distortions Clarifying expectations Clarifying expectations Mental rehearsal Mental rehearsal

11 Communication Skills 1. State feelings, not evaluations. 2. State feelings, not solutions. 3. State feelings directly. When you are stating feelings, make your statements descriptions rather than judgments:

12 1. Non-Verbal Messages: eye contact, “flat to the face” shoulders, an alert expression, head nodding, and a forward lean to the body expresses listening. 2.Cues or Invitations: these are the phrases like “uh-huh, O.K., Yes, go on, etc. that signal our attention and invite an individual to continue talking. To improve your listening skills, use the three steps of Active Listening:

13 3.Clarification of what has been said: We can do this in one of several ways—by asking questions, summarizing what has been said, or paraphrasing the message in your own words.

14 Ask Questions to Clarify Understanding What do you think we can do about this? What do you think we can do about this? What would you like me to stop doing? What would you like me to stop doing? Would it be helpful if I…? Would it be helpful if I…? Supposing we were to…? Supposing we were to…?

15 Ask Questions to Clarify Understanding Help me understand where you’re coming from? Help me understand where you’re coming from? Let’s set a time when we can talk about the changes we’re both prepared to make. Let’s set a time when we can talk about the changes we’re both prepared to make. I’m prepared to… Would that ease the situation? I’m prepared to… Would that ease the situation?

16 Positive Affect 1. Keep yourself in a positive mood. 2. Induce positive affect in others. 3. Find everyday uppers. 4. Offer help whenever you can. 5. Be kind. What can you do as an individual to make positive affect work for you? Try these recommendations:

17 When Discussions Degenerate Into Conflict Blend visibly and audibly Blend visibly and audibly Backtrack or echo some of their own words Backtrack or echo some of their own words Clarify their meaning, intent and criteria Clarify their meaning, intent and criteria Summarize what you’ve heard. Summarize what you’ve heard. Confirm to find out if you got it right. Confirm to find out if you got it right. When you are discussing some issue with another person and it begins to get out of control, try these suggestions when the other person is talking:

18 Hold your ground, and use deep breathing to stay calm Hold your ground, and use deep breathing to stay calm Interrupt the attack, by repeating their name several times. Interrupt the attack, by repeating their name several times. Quickly backtrack or echo their main point to show them you have been respectfully listening Quickly backtrack or echo their main point to show them you have been respectfully listening Aim for the bottom line by taking ownership and expressing the situation from your point of view. Aim for the bottom line by taking ownership and expressing the situation from your point of view. Your action plan for angry, aggressive people should include:

19  No one cooperates with anyone who seems to be against them. In human relations there is no middle ground. Unconsciously people want to know, “Are you with me or against me?” That’s one of the things you have in common with your difficult people.  Express your truth in a way that builds someone up rather than tears them down. Show them how their behavior is self- defeating. Suggest new behaviors or options. Other important points to keep in mind when you are dealing with difficult people.

20 Assertiveness Model DefinitionsCharacteristics Major Consequences Aggressive Behavior Needs and wants are taken care of in a forceful and self-serving way Self-servingDemandingDogmaticCompetitivePushy Use intimidation, power and status Insensitive Strong need to control and dominate others Fear rejection ImpatientTemperamental May accomplish personal desire and goals but tends to alienate people, create distrust and tension, and undermine the ability to establish lasting and healthy relationships

21 Manipulative Behavior Needs and wants are taken care of in an indirect, cunning, deceptive, and crafty way with ulterior motives in mind. Game player (using pouting, looking hurt, silence, dropping hints, flirting, giving or withholding attention or caring, and other indirect methods to maneuver people). Use double messages (say one thing and mean another). Hide real feelings and intentions. Inward feelings and outward expressions often incongruent Rebellious Get defensive and angry when caught manipulating Strong need for approval and attention Insecure but wear facade Distrust others May be successful in maneuvering others in indirect ways, but also undermines credibility and trust and causes self to lose touch with real self and real feelings

22 Passive Behavior Needs and wants are taken care of by suppressing them or maneuvering others to take care of them. Passive people use manipulative behaviors in getting others to take care of them. Deny needs, subordinate them to others, or manipulate others to take care of them Often play martyr role Create conditions in which others will take the lead or make decisions Follower Try to do what they think others expect of them Lack self- confidence Easily intimated and controlled by others IndecisiveMoody Occasionally cash in on stored-up anger and feelings Uncertain about who they are May result in some needs getting met but often results in sacrificing needs, getting them met in inappropriate ways, and the loss of identify and ability to take care of self

23 Assertive Behavior Needs and wants are taken care of by knowing, accepting, and acting on them in constructive, straightforward, and authentic ways. CaringGenuine Sensitive to the needs and feelings of others Unselfish Express needs and feelings in constructive and straightforward ways Persistent without being offensive. Level and confront from caring and reasonable position Good sense of timing and judgment about when to assert themselves Self-confident Calm in a crisis Able to know and take care of needs in a constructive way without doing so at the expense of others

24 Strategies for Preventing “Trash-bagging” Break the Tension Try a 10 second massage Try a 10 second massage Change your posture Change your posture Reach out, by extending your arms and legs Reach out, by extending your arms and legs Close your eyes for a few seconds and shut out the pressure Close your eyes for a few seconds and shut out the pressure Manage Your Response Speak more slowly Speak more slowly Get yourself a drink of water Get yourself a drink of water Lean back Lean back Keep your hands at your sides Keep your hands at your sides Quiet yourself Quiet yourself

25 Steps for Dealing with Upset People 1.Be glad when a person shares with you their feelings of discontent. It implies the person still has confidence in your interest in the problem and your ability to do something about it. 2.Think of the situation as an opportunity to “shine”. 3.Don’t take it personally, or become defensive. 4.Show genuine care and concern. 5.Listen

26 Steps for Dealing with Upset People 6. Let the complaining person “vent”. Don’t interrupt with defensiveness. 7. Politely interrupt the confused client/colleague and offer guidance. 8. Apologize assertively when you have made a mistake. 9. Express empathy, if it is genuine. 10. If the upset person is a client, take notes about the situation.

27 Steps for Dealing with Upset People 11.Tell the upset person what you can do, what they can do, then what “we” will do. 12.Try to find a solution you can both agree on. 13. Thank the person for sharing his or her concern. 14. Follow up later, when appropriate. 15.Phrase your comments positively.

28 Steps for Dealing with Difficult People Maintain a friendly and professional attitude Maintain a friendly and professional attitude Acknowledge that a difficult situation exists. Acknowledge that a difficult situation exists. Calm the person by questioning and verifying that you understand Calm the person by questioning and verifying that you understand Focus the person on the problem. Focus the person on the problem. Handle the problem. Handle the problem. Steps for Dealing with Angry People Listen closely so you will understand the problem Listen closely so you will understand the problem Ask questions. Ask questions. Apologize Apologize Stay calm and don’t take their anger personally. Stay calm and don’t take their anger personally. Remain courteous. Remain courteous. Propose an action plan; then follow-through! Propose an action plan; then follow-through!

29 Surviving Stress When You Can’t Get Away 1. Muscle tension and relaxation 2. Deep breathing and concentration 3. Humor 4. Music or Exercise 5. Visualization vacations 6. Venting in a Safe Haven

30 Coping with Criticism Three Steps for Coping with Criticism Step 1: Listen attentively Make sure you understand the Criticism You may even paraphrase the other person’s remarks

31 Step 2: Ask for details; find out as much as you can about the incident(s) described. Ask a series of questions such as: Who was involved? What happened? When did it happen? Where did it happen? How did it affect you? Why do you feel it was improper?

32 Step 3: Find something to agree with. You don’t need to admit you were wrong but it doesn’t hurt if you really were. More important, you need to acknowledge the person’s right to criticize and to recognize the importance of the person’s concerns.

33 Facing an Angry Outburst Use positive self-talk Use positive self-talk Check your body language Check your body language Acknowledge the other person’s feelings Acknowledge the other person’s feelings Share your own feelings Share your own feelings Make a conciliatory gesture Make a conciliatory gesture Express your own needs and wants calmly and persistently Express your own needs and wants calmly and persistently Use self-protective techniques to block criticism Use self-protective techniques to block criticism

34 De-Stress Options You Can Use Right Now! 1. Belly Breathing - Loosen your clothes, close your eyes, mentally relax your body, and taken ten or more deep breaths. 2. Visualize – Use positive imagery to boost your confidence and enhance your visible performance

35 3. Music – Music has the power to soothe, or to give us energy. It actually has healing power. 4. Acupressure and Massage – hold a fingertip to the point of most pain or tension and press hard into the muscle can avert a headache or relieve tension. 5. Laughter – laugher is the best medicine of all

36 Personal Action Plan 1.My current Conflict Management skills are effective in the following areas: 2. I need to improve my Conflict Management skills in the following areas: 3. My Conflict Management skills improvement goals are as follows: (Be sure goals are specific, attainable and measurable.)

37 4. These are my action steps and timetable to accomplish my goals: Steps to be taken Target date for completion Time required 5. These people and resources can help me accomplish my goals:


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