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Secrets that Destroy Family Life. Morality in Ancient Israel Jer 5:7 How shall I pardon thee for this? thy children have forsaken me, and sworn by them.

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Presentation on theme: "Secrets that Destroy Family Life. Morality in Ancient Israel Jer 5:7 How shall I pardon thee for this? thy children have forsaken me, and sworn by them."— Presentation transcript:

1 Secrets that Destroy Family Life

2 Morality in Ancient Israel Jer 5:7 How shall I pardon thee for this? thy children have forsaken me, and sworn by them that are no gods: when I had fed them to the full, they then committed adultery, and assembled themselves by troops in the harlots' houses. Jer 5:8 They were as fed horses in the morning: every one neighed after his neighbour's wife.

3 Child Sexual Abuse

4 Summary - Child Abuse Abuse rates increase with age Abuse rates are higher among females, especially sexual abuse –42.6% of females 18 and over and 44.7% of married females report some type of abuse Those who claim sexual abuse also report either emotional or physical abuse over 50% of the time Abuse Type Yes%No% Sexual 10%90% Emotional 27%63% Physical 8%92% Any Abuse 32%68%

5 The consequences of child sexual abuse Sexual abuse does not inevitably lead to psychological and emotional problems and people who have been abused can develop the resources and strength to overcome their difficulties. Many are able to lead happy and fulfilled lives. For others the abuse has a profound effect and may lead to problems for the rest of their lives.

6 Sexually abused children may experience powerlessness/loss of control feelings of guilt, shame and isolation loss of trust and safety associated physical and emotional abuse

7 Emotional and Psychological Problems Depression - the most commonly reported symptom. It may present as sadness, inability to experience pleasure, sleep and appetite disturbances and it may persist for many years. Low self esteem - They may feel unworthy of love or happiness and feel they deserve abusive relationships and unhealthy lifestyles. They may present themselves with negativity and lack of self love.

8 Emotional and Psychological Problems Dissociative symptoms – This is a psychological defense against overwhelming emotions, a child's defense system carried on into adulthood. This disorder is seen more commonly amongst survivors of childhood sexual abuse than other psychiatric patients. It may present as suppressed memory (psychogenic amnesia), denial of self, or a feeling of being outside self.

9 Emotional and Psychological Problems Flashbacks and nightmares - Suppressed memories are experienced in sleep as nightmares (particularly of a sexual nature) or as flashbacks when awake causing fear and anxiety in response to trigger events. Physical symptoms - Somatisation may present as headaches, dermatological disorders or pelvic pain. Survivors have a higher incidence of gynaecological problems.

10 Emotional and Psychological Problems Self destructive behaviour - This may present as substance abuse - a history of childhood abuse is more commonly reported amongst survivors than other groups, or suicide attempts. Eating disorders - Survivors are more likely to have body image problems leading to eating disorders, particularly bulimia.

11 Emotional and Psychological Problems Defects in Interpersonal Relationships Impaired ability to form intimate and trusting relationships with men or women. Since the mother figure may be seen by the child as collaborating or at least failing to protect, survivors may feel anger towards both parents and may have difficulty relating to other women

12 Emotional and Psychological Problems Sexual Maladjustment Low levels of sexual esteem - This may lead to inappropriate sexual behaviour, promiscuity or prostitution. Retreat from all sexual activities, particularly fear of men. Physical sexual problems - vaginismus, failure to obtain pleasure from sex, dyspareunia. Flashbacks during sexual activity. Fear of medical examination of genitalia or breasts.

13 Emotional and Psychological Problems Social Function Children may leave home early to escape from abuse. This may lead to them using anti-social survival techniques such a criminality or prostitution, and expose themselves to exploitation by other adults. Use of alcohol and other drugs is common. Feelings of isolation prevent socialisation.

14 Signs of Sexual Abuse consider the possibility of child abuse when the child: Has difficulty walking or sitting Suddenly refuses to change gym or to participate in physical activities Reports nightmares or bed wetting Experience a sudden change in appetite Demonstrates bizarre, sophisticated, or unusual sexual knowledge or behaviour Contracts venereal disease or thrush or other unusual disease or condition. Runs away. Reports sexual abuse by a parent or another caregiver

15 Other symptoms Scratches, bruises, itching, rashes, cuts or injuries Blood or discharges in bedding or clothes Aggressive behaviour towards younger children Seductive or ‘sexy’ behaviour towards adults or peers Pseudo mature behaviour 8yr old acting 16 Regressed behaviour ( child who has been toilet trained regressing to bed wetting Excessive masturbation Poor relationships with peers

16 What to do if your child has been sexually abused? a child who has been sexually abused may feel: I am worthless and bad No person could care about me without a sexual relationship I am damaged goods (no one will want me again) I must have been responsible for the sexual abuse because It sometimes felt good physically It went on for so long I never said ‘no’ I really wasn’t forced into it I never told anyone I hate my body

17 Fear of a particular person Trouble with school work, not previously sad but starts crying, previously compliant now defiant and uncooperative. Other symptoms? Other symptoms


19 Reporting requirements Any child under 16 or in some states 18 mandatory reporting either to the child sexual assault unit, the police or DOCS or equivalent Psychologists, social workers, counselors, Sunday school teachers, priests, headmasters, school teachers can be charged with endangering a minor if they don’t do so. For anyone over 17 at the time of the disclosure is encouraged to report to the matter.

20 Who bears the shield for women? Rom 13:1-3 Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God. Therefore whoever resists the authorities resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment. Rulers are not a terror to good conduct, but to bad. Would you have no fear of the one who is in authority? Then do what is good, and you will receive his approval

21 Perpetrators of sexual harassment Perpetrators regularly use five types of tactics to inhibit outrage: (1) cover-up of the action; (2) devaluation of the target; (3) reinterpretation of the events; (4) use of official channels to give the appearance of justice; and (5) intimidation and bribery of targets, witnesses and others.

22 Recommended reading ‘Reclaiming Myself’ Royal District Nursing Association Service Foundation of South Australia

23 Pornography

24 Morality in Ancient Israel Hos 4:11 Whoredom and wine and new wine take away the heart. Hos 4:14 I will not punish your daughters when they commit whoredom, nor your spouses when they commit adultery: for themselves are separated with whores, and they sacrifice with harlots: therefore the people that doth not understand shall fall. NIV I will not punish your daughters when they turn to prostitution, nor your daughters-in-law when they commit adultery, because the men themselves consort with harlots and sacrifice with shrine prostitutes - a people without understanding will come to ruin

25 Pornography; Summary I have “sometimes”, “often”, or “always” viewed pornography: The problem is about the same in the baptized and not-baptized groups North Americans have relatively the most problem with pornography GroupAlwaysOftenSometimes Male 18+ 12.9%20.1%35.3% Male <18 3.6%17.9%25.0% Female 0.4%2.3%5.8%

26 68.3% of males over 18 “sometimes”, “often”, or “always” viewed pornography compared to only 10.4% of females Pornography Respondents 18 and over


28 First step, Addiction “Once involved in pornographic materials, they kept coming back for more and still more... Once addicted, they could not throw off their dependence on the material by themselves, despite many negative consequences such as divorce, loss of family, and problems with the law (such as sexual assault, harassment or abuse of fellow employees)."

29 Second step - Escalation " The second phase was an escalation- effect. With the passage of time, the addicted person required rougher, more explicit, more deviant... sexual material to get their "highs" and "sexual turn-ons." It was reminiscent of individuals afflicted with drug addictions. Over time there is nearly always an increasing need for more of the stimulant to get the same initial effect." "... Their addiction and escalation were mainly due to the powerful sexual imagery in their minds, implanted there by the exposure to pornography."

30 Third step, Desensitization "The third phase was desensitization. Material (in books, magazines, or films/videos) which was originally perceived as shocking, taboo- breaking, illegal, repulsive, or immoral, in time came to be seen as acceptable and commonplace. The sexual activity depicted in the pornography (no matter how anti- social or deviant) became legitimized.

31 Third step, Desensitization There was an increasing sense that "everybody does it" and this gave them permission to also do it, even though the activity was possibly illegal and contrary to their previous moral beliefs and personal standards."

32 Forth step – Acting our Sexually "The fourth phase was an increasing tendency to act out sexually the behaviours viewed in the pornography, including compulsive promiscuity, exhibitionism, group sex, voyeurism, frequenting massage parlors, having sex with minor children, rape, and inflicting pain on themselves or a partner during sex. This behaviour frequently grew into a sexual addiction which they found themselves locked into and unable to change or reverse—no matter what the negative consequences were in their life." (*As seen in clinical studies of sex addicts, sex offenders, or other individuals [96% male] with sexual illnesses)

33 Mat 24:49 And shall begin to smite his fellowservants, Any attempt to impose your will on another is an act of violence. Gandhi Domestic Violence


35 Question; I experience uncontrolled anger Always 1.2 Often 3.7 Sometimes 16.0 Rarely 50.7 Never 28.4 Question; I find myself in places where I use physical violence Always 0.9 Often 0.9 Sometimes 5.1 Rarely 28.6 Never64.4 No= 430

36 I find my Christadelphian clients are the hardest - very reticent to come forth with details - convinced its their fault - or that somehow they have to accept this treatment - and still clinging to the notion of attending ecclesias who are not supportive. In addition - and I am afraid I have to be honest here - by and large their stories are the most horrific and I think that’s because they tolerate much more than other woman do - Christadelphian Domestic Violence Counsellor

37 ……….and they don't talk to others about it. I have had sisters being totally unable to describe the abuse - particularly sexual - because they don't have the language - and - more distressing - they don't know what’s acceptable and what’s abuse. They also have to stand next to their abusive partner every Sunday morning and play happy families Christadelphian Domestic Violence Counsellor

38 Excuses made by men - and please note often the woman agree with these excuses - particularly Christadelphian women: working hard / tired, pressure of providing for family etc/ problems at work woman kept on "nagging (sic)" so he was driven mad his "right" to do whatever he wanted (yes - I hear that one a lot) - particularly around sexual abuse sometimes the woman comments that her reluctance to perform some sexual acts has made him angry so she is forced to chose between a beating or a degradation couldn't stop himself Christadelphian Domestic Violence Counsellor

39 Women’s Myths I make him angry - it is my fault He can’t help himself I have to be careful not to upset him I have to keep the children quiet, if I do everything he wants, it will be all ok I am too sensitive and cry too often No-one else will want me I am inadequate If I leave he will take the children away from me He will say I am a bad mother He will ‘get’ me if I leave

40 Eph 5:23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Eph 5:24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Eph 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

41 Power And Contro l Using Coercion Using Intimidation Using Emotional Abuse Using Isolation Minimising Denying Blaming Using Children Using Male Privilege Using Economic Abuse

42 Negotiation & Fairness Non-threatening Behaviour Respect Trust & Support Honesty & Accountability Responsible Parenting Shared Responsibility Economic Partnership Equality

43 The Cycle of Violence Honeymoon Forgive and Forget Denial Abuse / Violence Tension Increase

44 Build up Boys often become more aggressive Girls become more placating blaming mother worried Children’s thoughts and feelings during the cycle of violence Stand over Scared, act out- distract the parents Provoke, attack and get it over with Explosion Scared. Where can I hide? Why doesn’t he stop? Numb. What did I do? Feels sick Remorse Was it my fault? Guilty, Blames mother, Feels sorry for father, confused, Relieved, angry with father and or mother behaves well Honeymoon Believes father, tense, tries harder Maybe “rock the boat” –boys Becomes clinging -girls Pursuit/Buy Back Relief, hope, Anxious, “good”

45 Achievement Orientation to Life Win/Lose One Chance Pass / Fail Carry your guilt forever Wear a hair shirt for life Never good enough Wisdom Orientation to Life Learn & Grow Sins are forsaken and forgiven Eph 4:15 But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ : 2Pe 3:18 But grow in grace, and in the knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. To him be glory both now and for ever. Amen.

46 Every saint has a past, every sinner has a future

47 “The nearer we live to God the shorter and sharper will be the conflict with evil; conversely, the lower our spiritual condition the longer will be our fight and greater our danger” Melva Perkis, ‘A life of Jesus’ pg 54

48 Men’s Myths Anger causes violence Women are manipulative Women see men as paycheck If women work and get a wage it gives them power If I don’t control her she will control me, Smashing things is not violent it’s venting my feelings I can’t help it I just snap There is no alternative to violence if she doesn’t listen.

49 Men’s Myths Women want to be dominated Somebody has to take charge Jealousy in men is natural Violence is caused by a breakdown in communication A man has the right to stop his wife from going out or having friends I don’t approve of, He can’t change unless she does Women are just as violent as men

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