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© Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 20141 A Simpler Way Session One From Conflict To Dilemma.

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Presentation on theme: "© Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov 20141 A Simpler Way Session One From Conflict To Dilemma."— Presentation transcript:

1 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov A Simpler Way Session One From Conflict To Dilemma

2 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Conflict DilemmaTranscendence Exacerbate/Stagnate/Alleviate OscillateEliminate DidacticDialectic Welcome today, the 22 nd of November, and the first of two webinars on clouds and their matrices The second webinar will follow in two weeks’ time on the 6 th of December

3 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Conflict DilemmaTranscendence Exacerbate/Stagnate/Alleviate OscillateEliminate DidacticDialectic Today we are going to journey through “conflict” and examine the ways that we exacerbate, stagnate, and alleviate these issues Then we will progress through to 3 rd person dilemma and introduce the concept of oscillation

4 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Conflict DilemmaTranscendence Exacerbate/Stagnate/Alleviate OscillateEliminate DidacticDialectic In today’s presentation I also want to answer a question that was raised last year about where the mermaids and the alligators were hiding in the matrix in my treatment of the Harvard Negotiation Project’s approach to Difficult Conversations We will end up in about the same place again today, but with much better clarity and simplicity, and in a much better position to deal with the content of the second webinar

5 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Conflict DilemmaTranscendence Exacerbate/Stagnate/Alleviate OscillateEliminate DidacticDialectic On the 6 th of December, in part two, we will further expand our knowledge of 3 rd person dilemma, how to transcend that dilemma, and how to eliminate the oscillation with a unique and systemic solution built around a senior organizing principle We will work through part two using the dieter’s dilemma from Robert Fritz and the batch sizing dilemma from Eli Goldratt

6 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Conflict DilemmaTranscendence Exacerbate/Stagnate/Alleviate OscillateEliminate DidacticDialectic First, however, let’s look at a brief outline of today’s content Then we will work through a primer of sorts, just to make sure that we are all on the same page as to the structure of clouds and of matrices So, let’s start

7 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Conflict DilemmaTranscendence Exacerbate/Stagnate/Alleviate OscillateEliminate DidacticDialectic First, however, let’s look at a brief outline of today’s content Then we will work through a primer of sorts, just to make sure that we are all on the same page as to the structure of clouds and of matrices So, let’s start No, one more thing: your job is to watch the screen, things will change there when you least expect. My job is to read the script, please don’t distract yourself with that

8 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Outline Primer: the cloud, the matrix, the combination of a conflict cloud and two matrices, layers of resistance, satisfaction and security Exacerbate The Conflict: miscommunication, confirmation bias, schismogenesis, feedback loops Stagnate The Conflict: the area of tolerable conflict Alleviate The Conflict: difficult conversations Dilemma: 3 rd person view, transformation matrix, cloud and transformation matrix

9 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Outline Primer: the cloud, the matrix, the combination of a conflict cloud and two matrices, layers of resistance, satisfaction and security Exacerbate The Conflict: miscommunication, confirmation bias, schismogenesis, feedback loops Stagnate The Conflict: the area of tolerable conflict Alleviate The Conflict: difficult conversations Dilemma: 3 rd person view, transformation matrix, cloud and transformation matrix And this is to remind me that conceptually things will basically break into about 1/3 rd each

10 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov Primer The Cloud

11 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Here is the basic structure of a cloud – 5 boxes and 5 arrows more or less NeedsWants

12 Our Want © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma And in a conflict structure perhaps the most important box from our point of view is this one, where we place the thing that we want to occur NeedsWants

13 Their Want Our Want © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Most important that is, relative to the box on the other side, where we place the thing that they want to occur NeedsWants

14 Their Want Our Want © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma These two entities are in conflict with one another for a number of possible reasons NeedsWants Conflict

15 Their Want Our Want © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma For instance they may represent opposites – such as night and day, or good and evil NeedsWants Conflict

16 Their Want Our Want © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma The may represent a continuum where more of one means less of the other, such as trust and distrust NeedsWants Conflict

17 Their Want Our Want © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Or they might represent an admixture where more of one precludes more of the other – such as oil and water NeedsWants Conflict

18 Their Want Our Want Our Need © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Our want arises because it meets a need that we have NeedsWants Conflict

19 Their Want Their Need Our Want Our Need © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma And of course their want arises because it too meets a need, their need NeedsWants Conflict

20 Their Want Their Need Our Want Our Need © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma These two entities, these two needs, are not in conflict with one another NeedsWants Conflict

21 Their Want Their Need Our Want Our Need © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma They are not in conflict with one another because they both meet, in fact are necessary for, the existence of the common objective that binds us together NeedsWants Common Objective Conflict

22 Their Want Their Need Our Want Our Need © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma And let’s state it loud and clear, that if there was no common objective, then there would be no conflict! NeedsWants Common Objective Conflict

23 Their Want Their Need Our Want Our Need © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Although these entities are most commonly referred to as “needs” and “wants” you will also find them referred to as “requirements” and “pre-requisites” RequirementsPre-Requisites Common Objective Conflict

24 Their Want Their Need Our Want Our Need © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma And that brings us to an interesting point: there is a hierarchy here … RequirementsPre-Requisites Common Objective Conflict

25 Their Want Their Need Our Want Our Need © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma … the “wants” are like the section headings in the chapter of a book RequirementsSection Heading Common Objective Conflict

26 Their Want Their Need Our Want Our Need © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma … the “needs” are like the chapter itself – each need being a different but necessary chapter ChapterSection Heading Common Objective Conflict

27 Their Want Their Need Our Want Our Need © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma … and of course the common objective is the book that binds all of these entities together into one whole ChapterSection Heading Common Objective Book Conflict

28 Their Want Their Need Our Want Our Need © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma This hierarchy is reflected in the way that we read this cloud back, so let’s do that right now Common Objective

29 Their Want Their Need Our Want Our Need © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma In order to meet the common objective we must meet their need Common Objective We must … In order to …

30 Their Want Their Need Our Want Our Need © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma There is no “maybe” here, if the need is not met, if it is missing, then the objective too will be unmet Common Objective We must … In order to …

31 Their Want Their Need Our Want Our Need © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Moreover, in order to meet their need, we must meet their want Common Objective We must … In order to … We must …

32 Their Want Their Need Our Want Our Need © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Looking at our side now, in order to meet the common objective, we must meet our need … Common Objective We must … In order to … We must …

33 Their Want Their Need Our Want Our Need © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma And in order to meet our need, we must meet our want Common Objective We must … In order to … We must …

34 Their Want Their Need Our Want Our Need © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Once again, it is the two wants which are in conflict Common Objective Conflict

35 Their Want Their Need Our Want Our Need © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma If it is the commonality that brings us together, it is differences in our understanding, and sometimes differences in our values, that drive us apart Common Objective Conflict

36 Their Want Their Need Our Want Our Need © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma One last thing: you may often see the convention where the objective is referred to as “A,” the needs as “B” and “C,” and the wants as “D” and “D′ ” – D prime Common Objective A CD′ BD Conflict

37 Their Want Their Need Our Want Our Need © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma People frequently use this shorthand so it is useful to be aware of it Common Objective A CD′ BD Conflict

38 Their Want Their Need Our Want Our Need © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Now, with that brief introduction, I would like to turn our attention to the change matrix, it provides us with something that is currently missing. Let’s have a look Common Objective A CD′ BD Conflict

39 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov Primer The Matrix

40 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma OK, this is a very small matrix, however it is sufficient to do the job, and I need to be able to place two of these alongside of a single cloud Our Proposal Positive Negative Don’t Change

41 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma It consists of two rows and two columns, the bottom row is the current reality, it records the state as it is, and as it will remain if there is no change Our Proposal Positive Negative Don’t Change

42 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma The top row is the future reality, it records the state as it could be, or maybe as it should be, and how it will unfold if there is change Our Proposal Positive Negative Don’t Change

43 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma The left-hand column contains the positive aspects of both the current state and the planned future state Our Proposal Positive Negative Don’t Change

44 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma And the right-hand column contains the negative aspects of both the current state and the planned future state Our Proposal Positive Negative Don’t Change

45 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Now I am going to name the negative of the current state as “issues” and I will explain the reasoning for that in a moment Issues Our Proposal Positive Negative Don’t Change

46 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma I am going to name the positive of the future state as “outcomes,” and these two: issues and outcomes, pair as a diagonal Issues Outcomes Our Proposal Positive Negative Don’t Change

47 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma The positive of the current state is best described as the “benefits” Benefits Issues Outcomes Our Proposal Positive Negative Don’t Change

48 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma And the negative of the future state is best described as the “detriments” Benefits Detriments Issues Outcomes Our Proposal Positive Negative Don’t Change

49 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma The benefits and the detriments also pair as a diagonal Benefits Detriments Issues Outcomes Our Proposal Positive Negative Don’t Change

50 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma These entities are not the problem, nor are they the solution, however they are the symptomatic effects of these … Benefits Detriments Issues Outcomes Our Proposal Positive Negative Don’t Change

51 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma … the underlying causal problem or causal solution is of a higher logical type and “lives” within the D or the D′ of the cloud … Benefits Detriments Issues Outcomes Our Proposal Positive Negative Don’t Change

52 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma The entities here are, if you like, the “sentences” that go under the “section heading” of the D and the D′ of the cloud. The matrix is the closest that we get to a narrative Benefits Detriments Issues Outcomes Our Proposal Positive Negative Don’t Change

53 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Now let me do one more thing, I am going to number these quadrants with the normal convention of rows and columns as an easy reference Benefits Detriments Issues Outcomes Our Proposal Positive Negative Don’t Change

54 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma And OK, this is where the alligator, the mermaid, the pot of gold, and the crutches are Mermaid Crutches Alligator Pot of Gold Our Proposal Positive Negative Don’t Change

55 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma If you are familiar with these, you will have already mapped this through in your mind. If you are unfamiliar with these, then just place them to one side Mermaid Crutches Alligator Pot of Gold Our Proposal Positive Negative Don’t Change

56 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Now, just a few more basics for us to establish right at the very start Benefits Detriments Issues Outcomes Our Proposal Positive Negative Don’t Change

57 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma A change matrix, and this is a change matrix, is “crossed.” It is about both “them” and it is about “us” even though it is for our proposal Benefits Detriments Issues Outcomes Our Proposal Positive Negative Don’t Change

58 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Think this through. Would we resist our own change? Well, not unless we are psychotic, and I don’t know about you, but I’m fairly sure that I’m not Benefits Detriments Issues Outcomes Our Proposal Positive Negative Don’t Change

59 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Would anyone else resist our proposed change? Oh yes, others would, in about a micro-second – or even less if they can see it coming Benefits Detriments Issues Outcomes Our Proposal Positive Negative Don’t Change

60 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma And that brings us to a very important point: this diagonal, our change, in the first and fourth quadrants, is about the technical or mechanical issues Benefits Detriments Issues Outcomes Our Proposal Positive Negative Don’t Change

61 Issues © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma It is about the symptomatic undesirable effects that we observe and that we wish to remove or to overcome with more positive outcomes Benefits DetrimentsOutcomes Our Proposal Positive Negative Don’t Change

62 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Once again, it is not the solution and it is not the problem, but it is the symptomatic expression of these Benefits Detriments Issues Outcomes Our Proposal Positive Negative Don’t Change

63 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma This diagonal, in the third and second quadrant, is about the personal issues Benefits Detriments Issues Outcomes Our Proposal Positive Negative Don’t Change

64 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma It is about the preservation of the personal status quo and the avoidance of future harm, or even the perception of future harm Benefits Detriments Issues Outcomes Our Proposal Positive Negative Don’t Change

65 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma These two aspects: the mechanical or technical, and the personal, are so well described by Professor Jerry Harvey in The Abilene Paradox Benefits Detriments Issues Outcomes Our Proposal Positive Negative Don’t Change

66 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma I urge you to get a copy of that – it is a very readable paperback – and the original article was first published in 1974 Benefits Detriments Issues Outcomes Our Proposal Positive Negative Don’t Change

67 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Seeing that we have gotten this far, let’s examine a few of the subtleties and the richnesses of these two concepts – the technical and the personal Benefits Detriments Issues Outcomes Our Proposal Positive Negative Don’t Change

68 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma And with apologies to Eric Trist and Fred Emery, let’s call this an encapsulation of a socio-technical system Benefits Detriments Issues Outcomes Our Proposal Positive Negative Don’t Change

69 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Once again this diagonal is the “-technical” part … Benefits Detriments Issues Outcomes Our Proposal Positive Negative Don’t Change

70 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma … and this diagonal is the “socio-” part Benefits Detriments Issues Outcomes Our Proposal Positive Negative Don’t Change

71 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Socio- -Technical Our Proposal Positive Negative Don’t Change And if you look at just this side, the current reality, you can see these two components: socio- to the left and -technical to the right

72 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Socio- -Technical Our Proposal Positive Negative Don’t Change And on this side as well, the proposed future, we can once again see these two components: -technical to the left and -socio to the right

73 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Continuing with this side, if this is our proposal, then surely the outcomes are “our” outcomes – right? Benefits Detriments Issues Our Outcomes Our Proposal Positive Negative Don’t Change

74 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma And if this is so, then whose are the detriments? Ours? Well let’s leave that open for a moment Benefits Our Detriments? Issues Our Outcomes Our Proposal Positive Negative Don’t Change

75 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Looking at the other side, it is clear that the benefits are certainly “theirs” – right? Their Benefits Our Detriments? Issues Our Outcomes Our Proposal Positive Negative Don’t Change

76 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma But what of the issues? Are the issues theirs? Their Benefits Our Detriments? Their Issues? Our Outcomes Our Proposal Positive Negative Don’t Change

77 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Well, here is a solution to this little problem that has dogged me for quite a while Their Benefits Our Detriments? Their Issues? Our Outcomes Our Proposal Positive Negative Don’t Change

78 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma The fourth quadrant is actually about their issues for us. They are the unintended negative consequences of their side which impacts upon us Their Benefits Our Detriments? Their Issues For Us Our Outcomes Our Proposal Positive Negative Don’t Change

79 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma They might not even know, let alone care, about these negative issues to us, but they will certainly know and care about the positive benefits to themselves Their Benefits Our Detriments? Their Issues For Us Our Outcomes Our Proposal Positive Negative Don’t Change

80 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Likewise, the second quadrant is actually about our detriments to them. They are the unintended negative consequences of our side which impacts upon them Their Benefits Our Detriments To Them Their Issues For Us Our Outcomes Our Proposal Positive Negative Don’t Change

81 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma We might not even know, let alone care, about these negative issues to them, but we will certainly know and care about the positive outcomes for ourselves Their Benefits Our Detriments To Them Their Issues For Us Our Outcomes Our Proposal Positive Negative Don’t Change

82 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Now does this make more sense? Their Benefits Our Detriments To Them Their Issues For Us Our Outcomes Our Proposal Positive Negative Don’t Change

83 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma It follows then, that even though this is our proposal, this side, the current side, is their side … Their Benefits Our Detriments To Them Their Issues For Us Our Outcomes Our Proposal Positive Negative Don’t Change

84 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma … and therefore this side, the future side, is our side – that is, after all, the purpose of our proposal Their Benefits Our Detriments To Them Their Issues For Us Our Outcomes Our Proposal Positive Negative Don’t Change

85 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Now let’s return to the diagonals once more Their Benefits Our Detriments To Them Their Issues For Us Our Outcomes Our Proposal Positive Negative Don’t Change

86 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma This diagonal, this view as I like to call it, is also about us: it is about their negative issues which impact upon us, and it is about our positive intent to overcome this Their Benefits Our Detriments To Them Their Issues For Us Our Outcomes Our Proposal Positive Negative Don’t Change

87 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma It has its head in the future and its tail in the past Their Benefits Our Detriments To Them Their Issues For Us Our Outcomes Our Proposal Positive Negative Don’t Change

88 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma We can replace it with an arrow of positive intent. Intent is always towards the positive and away from the negative and I will colour-code it green Their Benefits Our Detriments To Them Their Issues For Us Our Outcomes Positive Negative Don’t Change Our Proposal

89 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma If you like this side is “theirs,” and the diagonal or the view is “ours,” while the 4 th quadrant shares common aspects of both Their Benefits Our Detriments To Them Their Issues For Us Our Outcomes Positive Negative Don’t Change Our Proposal

90 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma This diagonal, this view, is all about them: it is about maintaining their positive benefits and negating our negative detriments which may impact upon them Their Benefits Our Detriments To Them Their Issues For Us Our Outcomes Our Proposal Positive Negative Don’t Change

91 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Again, it has its head in the future and its tail in the past Their Benefits Our Detriments To Them Their Issues For Us Our Outcomes Our Proposal Positive Negative Don’t Change

92 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma And we can replace it with an arrow of negative impact. Impact is always towards the negative and away from the positive and I will colour-code it red Their Benefits Our Detriments To Them Their Issues For Us Our Outcomes Positive Negative Don’t Change Our Proposal

93 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Their Benefits Our Detriments To Them Their Issues For Us Our Outcomes Positive Negative Don’t Change Our Proposal This time the side is “ours,” and the diagonal or the view is “theirs,” while the 2 nd quadrant shares common aspects of both

94 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma If we now superimpose these two arrows, then that fairly much winds-up this little exploration of the matrix. Please come back and re-explore this later Their Benefits Our Detriments To Them Their Issues For Us Our Outcomes Our Proposal Positive Negative Don’t Change

95 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Let’s now combine this matrix with the cloud and see what happens Their Benefits Our Detriments To Them Their Issues For Us Our Outcomes Our Proposal Positive Negative Don’t Change

96 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov Primer Conflict Cloud And Two Matrices

97 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Now we have a cloud and two matrices, in combination Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Their Outcomes Their Benefits Our Detriments For Them Our Benefits Their Detriments For Us Our Issues For Them Their Issues For Us Our Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Change Don’t Change

98 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Their Outcomes Their Benefits Our Detriments For Them Our Benefits Their Detriments For Us © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma The cloud is exactly as we had before and the lower matrix is exactly the matrix that we have just discussed Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Our Issues For Them Their Issues For Us Our Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

99 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Their Outcomes Their Benefits Our Detriments For Them Our Benefits Their Detriments For Us © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma The upper matrix is the same, but it is now reworded for the other side – they have exactly the same issues with us as we have with them; that is why there is a conflict Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Our Issues For Them Their Issues For Us Our Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

100 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Their Outcomes Their Benefits Detriments For Them Our Benefits Detriments For Us © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Let’s clean this up a little … Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues For Them Issues For Us Our Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

101 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma … and then once more. You can always come back to the fuller wording if you wish, but I hope that these concepts are now sufficiently embedded Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

102 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma And, nobody teaches birds to fly, and I suspect that if you follow what I am about to show, and practice it on a conflict of your own, then you will take to the air with this Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

103 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Let’s begin with our own proposal; the traditional starting place is with the current and negative issues that abound and that we wish to remove or to replace … Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

104 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma … and also the future and positive outcomes where we list our replacements, or in fact, our completely new entities that we wish to gain Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

105 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Losing a negative or gaining a positive are both positive intent, and these two entities feed into the assumptions on our side of the cloud Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

106 Outcomes Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change Benefits Issues Looking at their proposal; we have our own current and positive benefits that we do not wish to lose or have removed or replaced …

107 Outcomes Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change Benefits Issues … and we have future and negative detriments which contain completely new entities for us that we do not wish to gain

108 Outcomes Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change Benefits Issues Avoiding the impact of the loss of a positive or the gain of a negative are both positive intent, and these two entities also feed into the assumptions on our side of the cloud

109 Outcomes Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change Benefits Issues Let me reiterate that although the impact of their proposal upon us is negative, our intent to avoid this is positive

110 Outcomes Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change Benefits Issues What then of the other side of the cloud? What of their side?

111 Outcomes Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change Issues Looking at their proposal; they start with the current and negative issues that abound and that they wish to remove or to replace …

112 Outcomes Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change Issues … and also the future and positive outcomes that they desire either as replacements or in fact completely new entities that they wish to gain

113 Outcomes Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change Issues Losing a negative or gaining a positive are both positive intent, and these two entities feed into the assumptions on their side of the cloud

114 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change Outcomes Looking at our proposal; they have current and positive benefits that they don’t wish to lose or have removed or replaced …

115 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change Outcomes … and they have future and negative detriments which contain completely new entities for them that they do not wish to gain

116 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change Outcomes Avoiding the impact of the loss of a positive or the gain of a negative are both positive intent, and these two entities also feed into the assumptions on their side of the cloud

117 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change Outcomes Again, although the impact of our proposal upon them is negative, their intent to avoid this is positive

118 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma So, we have eight entities within the matrices, four are assigned to each side of the cloud, and they are expressed in two basic forms … Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

119 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma … and those two basic forms come with one simple rule … Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

120 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma … the assumptions on any one side of a cloud consist of the positives of that side and the negatives of the other side – and that’s all there is to it Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

121 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Each side wishes to enact their positive intent and to avoid the negative impact of the other side. The cloud and the matrices are profoundly positive devices Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

122 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma We can see why a conflict can become so embedded: not because of people’s negativity, but because of their positivity! Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

123 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Now, let’s be clear, I am not suggesting that we have to put the matrices along with the cloud – you might like to simply have the assumptions written out as is … Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

124 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma … but I suspect that you will write very much better assumptions with this structure in place and that is the real point Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

125 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Making all of these things explicit in this graphical form, presented on one page, in open dialogue, leads to making this a much simpler way Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

126 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Now that we have this structure in place, let’s next examine how the layers of resistance relate to this Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

127 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov Primer Layers of Resistance

128 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Let’s map in the layers of resistance, the layers of understanding, starting with our side … Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

129 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma … well, actually, this is my bad habit to start on our side with their resistance to us, so let’s whoa-up a bit, and restart again on their side, and build some rapport first Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change 1

130 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma The first layer of resistance is about our lack of understanding of the problem as seen from their point of view … Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change 1

131 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma … even though, maybe even more so, if it is about the interpretation of a common set of data or observations or experiences … Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change 1

132 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma … we may well agree on the symptomatic expressions, the issues, but fail to agree on the underlying cause Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change 1

133 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma The second layer of resistance is about our lack of understanding of their solution, again from their point of view … Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change 1 2

134 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma … and once again, the more so that the solution has elements of paradigm or change of mind-set, we simply might not have the experience yet to grasp that Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change 1 2

135 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma However, once we do have that grasp, the third and fourth layers are about our reservations to their solution and the obstacles that we can see that they cannot Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

136 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma And finally the fifth layer – our own unverbalized fear – is the one place we ought not to reach if, in fact, we do understand the process that we are carrying out Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

137 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma OK, let’s now go back to our side. Our interpretation of the problem from our point of view will give rise to resistance in them and we need to be aware of this … Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

138 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma … and we ought not to race ahead of them until we are sure that they are with us Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

139 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Our apparent insistence upon our preferred solution will also give rise to resistance and we need to be aware of this too … Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

140 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma … especially if our solution has elements of a different way of thinking embedded within it; if it is “counterintuitive” we need to use trials and build their tacit experience Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

141 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma … and so through the other three layers as well Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

142 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma One more thought … Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

143 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma The fifth layer is also the “first.” It is about people’s sense of identity, everyone’s expertise and past experience, everyone’s standing amongst their peers … Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change 5 5

144 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma … and also their standing amongst strangers too Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change 5 5

145 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma It is much better to acknowledge this up-front and to bring it into the discussion early on, the sooner the better – that way the fifth layer will lose its silence Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change 5 5

146 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma The dynamics of why and how it is that the fifth layer can also be the first, will become clear in the second webinar when we look at oscillation within a dilemma Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change 5 5

147 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Let’s now look at a closely related issue; satisfaction and security Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change 5 5

148 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov Primer Satisfaction And Security

149 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma I just want to touch, in passing, on the relationship between security and satisfaction; it follows on naturally enough from the layers of resistance … Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

150 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma … and we will return to this aspect more fully in the second webinar as we discuss dilemmas and oscillation Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

151 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Looking at the lower matrix first, our issues with the current state of affairs represents our dissatisfaction … Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Our Dissatisfaction Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

152 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma … and our intended outcomes in the near future represent our satisfaction Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Our Dissatisfaction Our Satisfaction Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

153 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Their Insecurity Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma On the other hand, the detriments in our proposal represent the insecurity that the other side perceives from our proposed change … Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Our Dissatisfaction Our Satisfaction Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

154 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Their Security Their Insecurity Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma … and the benefits represent the current security that the other side obtains from the status quo Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Our Dissatisfaction Our Satisfaction Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

155 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Their Security Their Insecurity Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Our proposal is about our dissatisfaction and satisfaction and it is about their insecurity and security Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Our Dissatisfaction Our Satisfaction Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

156 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Their Security Their Insecurity Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma And for their proposal it is simply reversed … Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Our Dissatisfaction Our Satisfaction Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

157 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Their Satisfaction Their Security Their Insecurity Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma The issues are about their dissatisfaction with not changing and the outcomes are about their satisfaction with changing Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Dissatisfaction Our Dissatisfaction Our Satisfaction Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

158 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Their Satisfaction Their Security Their Insecurity Our Security Our Insecurity © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma The detriments from their change are now our insecurity and the benefits of not changing are, of course, our security Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Dissatisfaction Our Dissatisfaction Our Satisfaction Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

159 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Their Satisfaction Their Security Their Insecurity Our Security Our Insecurity © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma It is from the dynamics of these four quadrants within these two matrices that determines whether we can exacerbate, stagnate, or alleviate the conflict … Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Dissatisfaction Our Dissatisfaction Our Satisfaction Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

160 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Their Satisfaction Their Security Their Insecurity Our Security Our Insecurity © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma … and also how we can raise it from a conflict to a dilemma and thereafter transcend it as a systemic cloud Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Dissatisfaction Our Dissatisfaction Our Satisfaction Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

161 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Their Satisfaction Their Security Their Insecurity Our Security Our Insecurity © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Let’s now look at these, starting with how we might exacerbate a conflict Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Dissatisfaction Our Dissatisfaction Our Satisfaction Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

162 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov Exacerbating The Conflict Miscommunication

163 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma In the Satellite Series first broadcast in 2001, Eli Goldratt used an emotion to illustrate that the Thinking Processes, and logical cause and effect, could be used to map such an intangible thing. The emotion that he used was pride of the inventor and the miscommunication that arises from such a state. I have often referred back to this sequence and used the video. Except that he did it as a one-sided argument, didactically, as maybe a teacher or a student would experience. This sequence has always intrigued me and we can encapsulate it here. Moreover, we can do it for both sides and show how much more difficult it can be to effectively communicate when we are both enamoured with our own side and blind to some of the aspects of the other side. (See TOC on Managing People – Self Learning Program 7 pp for detailed CCRT)

164 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Miscommunication arises from pride of the inventor. We are justifiably enamoured with our idea, with our invention, with our way forward … Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

165 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma … so much so, that in our proposal we do not see the possible negative ramifications. In fact, we are blind to them Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

166 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma But of course the other side, being more sceptical is not so blind, and instead of receiving the praise that we expected, we get heart-felt criticism!  Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

167 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Equally, we are slow to praise the other side for their suggestion … Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

168 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma … and we are quick to criticise the perceived shortcomings! Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

169 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma And so, each side is easily at loggerheads with the other – simply over each side’s positive intent Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

170 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma To paraphrase Eli Goldratt: what beautiful human relationships Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

171 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma In the miscommunication, we are slow to praise and we are quick to criticise, because our attention is on our own positives and on their negatives Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

172 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Moreover, as if that were not enough, there is also a powerful confirmation bias afoot which intensifies this situation, let’s have a look Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

173 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov Exacerbating The Conflict Confirmation Bias

174 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Not only do we recognise their negative impact upon us, the impact’s existence also reconfirms in our own mind … Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

175 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma … the necessity of the positive solution that we wish to embark upon Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

176 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma … the assumptions of the lower arm of the cloud are self-referential – they have a self-serving confirmation bias Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

177 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Ask yourself: how can we be sceptical of the thing that we have a passion for? Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

178 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma And vice versa … Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

179 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma … their perception of our negative impact upon them … Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

180 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma … only reconfirms in their mind the positive solution that they wish to embark upon Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

181 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma … the assumptions of the upper arm of the cloud are also self-referential – they too have a self-serving confirmation bias Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

182 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma This is simply a restatement of our initial exploration of the assumptions, but here the presence of the other side’s impact redoubles our own intent Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

183 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Miscommunication and confirmation bias, together, form a powerful combination. Let’s now turn our attention to this Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

184 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov Exacerbating The Conflict Schismogenesis

185 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Gregory Bateson coined a term – “schismogenesis” Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

186 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma A schism is “a division between strongly opposed parties, caused by difference in opinion or belief” … Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

187 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma I always think that a schism must be like a physical chasm, two sides separated by a precipitous drop, with a bottom somewhere near infinity Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

188 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma (1) When we propose something or say something or do something we may cause harm or even just the perception of harm to the other side … Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

189 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma (2) We might be blind to this, but they will not be … Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

190 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma (3) And they may respond and modify their own intent accordingly … Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change Their Proposal

191 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma (4) Which may do nothing more than exacerbate our own perceptions of their negative impact upon us … Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

192 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma (5) Leading us back in a “figure-of-8” to the first step for the second time! This is exactly how things go schismogenic Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

193 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Now, Karl Buckridge has often said to me that there is “a kind of a thing” where if you fail to address the issues on one side of the cloud … Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

194 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma … then it “sort of loops over the back” and comes around to the other side to bite you on the derriere Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

195 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma I can now draw this looping structure into the cloud, and it is very powerful Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

196 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Let’s have a look at this underlying feedback structure Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

197 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov Exacerbating The Conflict Feedback Loops

198 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma (1) This is our intent once again – and the associated loop is now drawn within the assumptions to the right Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

199 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma (2) And our intent feeds in as a negative impact which creates a new loop over to the other side of the cloud Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

200 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma (3) Which leads them to modify their own intent accordingly Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change Their Proposal

201 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma (4) Which in-turn feeds back into our own perception of their negative impact upon us and loops back over to our side of the cloud Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

202 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma (5) And that leads us back into where we started and a new modification of our original intent Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

203 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma I think that I have found Karl’s loop, I think that this is exactly the “kind of a thing” that he meant Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

204 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Around and around we can go, in a beautiful positive or amplifying feedback or reinforcement loop, worse and worse, the conflict intensifies and the gap widens Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

205 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma This is how a conflict can go schismogenic! Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

206 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change When one side can “up the ante” the conflict will exacerbate …

207 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change … however, when the other side can increase their resistance the conflict will stagnate, and it is to this that we must now turn our attention

208 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov Conflict Stagnation The Area of Tolerable Conflict

209 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma In 1981, Roger Fisher, William Ury, and Bruce Patton wrote about Getting To Yes, and this is the “yes” that they were trying to get to Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Yes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

210 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits No Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma But there was a bit of problem, and it is called No, so a decade later William Ury wrote about Getting Past No, and this is the “no” that he was trying to get past Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Yes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

211 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Yes Benefits No Benefits No © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma And don’t worry it can happen to both matrices … Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Yes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

212 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Yes No Yes No © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma … and to both sides of each matrix as well Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent No Yes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

213 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Yes No Yes No © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma When either side embarks upon positive intent, moving away from the “no” of their own diagonal towards the “yes” … Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent No Yes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

214 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Yes No Yes No © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma … then there is often a perceived negative impact within the other diagonal and “No!” is a very likely to be the first response … Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent No Yes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

215 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Yes No Yes No © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma … followed by active intent back towards the status quo Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent No Yes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

216 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Yes No Yes No © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Consequently, we limit the extent of the interaction to something that Robert Fritz calls “an area of tolerable conflict”... Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent No Yes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

217 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Yes No Yes No © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma … and the conflict stagnates there – in fact that is the whole point of the matter – ensuring stagnation Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent No Yes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

218 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Their Satisfaction Their Security Their Insecurity Our Security Our Insecurity © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma If we substitute our satisfaction and security model into this, it will become even more clear Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Dissatisfaction Our Dissatisfaction Our Satisfaction Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

219 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Their Satisfaction Their Security Their Insecurity Our Security Our Insecurity © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Robert Fritz describes each diagonal as a tension-resolution pair; and we have a pair of pairs in each matrix here Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Dissatisfaction Our Dissatisfaction Our Satisfaction Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

220 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Their Satisfaction Their Security Their Insecurity Our Security Our Insecurity © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma As you can guess, they are intimately related to the feedback loop that we have just seen, and they mirror the jeopardies in the cloud Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Dissatisfaction Our Dissatisfaction Our Satisfaction Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

221 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Their Satisfaction Their Security Their Insecurity Our Security Our Insecurity © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Moreover, we can actively manipulate this structure, and most often we do, often automatically, and therefore without conscious thought Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Dissatisfaction Our Dissatisfaction Our Satisfaction Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

222 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Their Satisfaction Their Security Their Insecurity Our Security Our Insecurity © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Having now exposed these tension-resolution pairs, I want to put them to one side. To be aware of them is sufficient for the moment … Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Dissatisfaction Our Dissatisfaction Our Satisfaction Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

223 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Their Satisfaction Their Security Their Insecurity Our Security Our Insecurity © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma … however they underlie all conflict, dilemma, and transcendent structures and we will examine them and their impact in much greater detail in the following webinar Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Dissatisfaction Our Dissatisfaction Our Satisfaction Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

224 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Their Satisfaction Their Security Their Insecurity Our Security Our Insecurity © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Let’s now turn our attention to de-escalating this conflict, let’s turn our attention to alleviating this conflict using the methodology of Difficult Conversations Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Their Dissatisfaction Our Dissatisfaction Our Satisfaction Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

225 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov Alleviating The Conflict Difficult Conversations

226 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma In 1999 Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen wrote Difficult Conversations, a lineal descendent of Getting To Yes and Getting Past No Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

227 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma We addressed this in detail in last year’s webinar, but I want to recapitulate on how it enables us to identify and address erroneous assumptions Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

228 ??? Our WantOur Need ??? Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Remember that there is a great deal that we may think that we know about the other side, but in fact we may not really know at all … Common Objective ??? Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

229 ??? Our WantOur Need ??? Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma … we may not know their want … Common Objective ??? Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

230 ??? Our WantOur Need ??? Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma … we may not know their need … Common Objective ??? Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

231 ??? Our WantOur Need ??? Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma … we may not know their issues and outcomes as they see them, in other words their intent … Common Objective ??? Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

232 ??? Our WantOur Need ??? Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma … and we almost certainly won’t understand the impact of our own intent upon them Common Objective ??? Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

233 Blame Our WantOur Need Blame Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma And you know what we will do about it, don’t you, we will assign blame towards them for many of these things Common Objective Blame - And to avoid our negative impact upon them Blame - Because of their positive intent Blame Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

234 Blame Our WantOur Need Blame Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Without much, if any, consideration for our own contribution to this situation Common Objective Blame - And to avoid our negative impact upon them Blame - Because of their positive intent Blame Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

235 Blame ContributionOur Need Blame Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma We won’t consider the contribution from our own want … Common Objective Blame - And to avoid our negative impact upon them Blame - Because of their positive intent Blame Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

236 Blame Contribution Blame Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma … we won’t consider the contribution from our own need … Common Objective Blame - And to avoid our negative impact upon them Blame - Because of their positive intent Blame Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

237 Blame Contribution Blame Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma … we won’t consider the contribution from our own assumptions … Common Objective Blame - And to avoid our negative impact upon them Blame - Because of their positive intent Blame Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Contribution - Because of our positive intent Contribution - And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

238 Blame Contribution Blame Contribution © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma … nor the intent and the impact from which these are derived Common Objective Blame - And to avoid our negative impact upon them Blame - Because of their positive intent Blame Contribution Our ProposalTheir Proposal Contribution - Because of our positive intent Contribution - And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

239 Contribution Blame Contribution Blame © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Just about the only consolation in this whole affair is that we could swap all of these entities around for the other side as well Common Objective Contribution - And to avoid our negative impact upon them Contribution - Because of their positive intent Contribution Blame Our ProposalTheir Proposal Blame - Because of our positive intent Blame - And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

240 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Facts Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma You may recall that in Difficult Conversations we need to address the facts, and these are predominantly found within the issues and the outcomes – of both sides Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Facts Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

241 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Feelings © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma We also need to address feelings, and these are predominantly found within the benefits and potential detriments – and once again, of both sides Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

242 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma This is very much a part of the narrative that we must seek to extract, to verbalize, and to understand Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

243 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma And as I have suggested before, our sense of identity which underlies this narrative is in the “A,” the common objective because, in fact, it is everywhere Sense of Identity And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

244 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need More money manpower machinery Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Sense of Identity And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues More money manpower machinery Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change And most often our sense of identity will revolve around wanting more: more money, more manpower, more machinery, in order to do the job at hand …

245 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need More money manpower machinery Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Sense of Identity And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues More money manpower machinery Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change … and as no one has ever argued for less, then probably more management as well!

246 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Remember that whenever the conversation goes negative, use contrasting … Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

247 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma … point out that it is not the negative impact that we intend … Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

248 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma … but rather it is the positive intent that we seek Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

249 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Sure, their solution is indeed our problem, and so too our solution is indeed their problem, but the intent on both sides is for that of a positive solution Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

250 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma However, when we are stuck as a 1 st or 2 nd person participant in a conflict, it is still sometimes extremely difficult to extract ourselves from this position … Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

251 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma … and that brings us to the next step in Difficult Conversations and indeed also the next step in our overall process Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

252 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Moving to a 3 rd person view is often the next step to resolution because the 3 rd person can see beyond the immediate participants Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

253 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Let’s now turn our attention to the 3 rd person and dilemma Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

254 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov Dilemma 3 rd Person View

255 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Here are two books that I didn’t read in February 2008 and in August I did get to read both of them earlier this year and regret having put them aside for so long. Read the second one first, it’s easier that way. There are several very important themes in these two books, and a great deal of hope; we shouldn’t judge the future by our past …

256 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma In particular, it was the role of 3 rd parties in avoiding conflict that was an unexpected, and for me, a timely finding. “When no third party exists to adjudicate disputes over marriage arrangements, personal injuries, trade, territory, and other economic concerns, or when the mediators that do exist cannot enforce their decisions on the recalcitrant, disputants regularly resort to violent self-help. Peace is unavoidably rare in settings where no institutions have the moral authority and physical power to maintain it by compelling restitution or retribution for injuries, imposing resolutions to disputes, and ensuring the survival of component social units. Any peace lacking powerful institutions to uphold it usually amounts to little more than a prolonged truce. As anthropologist Marvin Harris put it: ‘Primitive peoples go to war because they lack alternative solutions to certain problems - alternative solutions that would involve less suffering and fewer premature deaths.’” Keeley, pp

257 Their WantTheir Need Our WantOur Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Even though our situation isn’t nearly so dire, sometimes without a 3 rd person view we too are trapped, so how does a 3 rd person, an “outsider,” see things? Common Objective And to avoid our negative impact upon them Because of their positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of our positive intent And to avoid their negative impact upon us Change Don’t Change

258 Second Side’s WantSecond Side’s Need First Side’s WantFirst Side’s Need Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Well, first, I need to change the labels a little, and let’s do the cloud first, let’s change “our” side and “their” side to the “first” side and the “second” side … Common Objective And to avoid the negative impact of the other side Because of this side’s positive intent Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Because of this side’s positive intent And to avoid the negative impact of the other side Change Don’t Change

259 Second Side’s WantSecond Side’s Need First Side’s WantFirst Side’s Need Second Side’s Outcomes Second Side’s Benefits First Side’s Detriments To Second First Side’s Benefits Second Side’s Detriments To First © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma … and the matrix second, except that this is a little bit busy, so let’s clean it up a bit Common Objective And to avoid the negative impact of the other side Because of this side’s positive intent First Side’s Issues For Second Second Side’s Issues For First First Side’s Outcomes A ProposalAnother Proposal Because of this side’s positive intent And to avoid the negative impact of the other side Change Don’t Change

260 Second Side’s WantSecond Side’s Need First Side’s WantFirst Side’s Need Outcomes For Second Benefits For Second Detriments For Second Benefits For First Detriments For First © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Now it should look a little more familiar, you can always come back and do a reality check on it later on Common Objective And to avoid the negative impact of the other side Because of this side’s positive intent Issues For Second Issues For First Outcomes For First A ProposalAnother Proposal Because of this side’s positive intent And to avoid the negative impact of the other side Change Don’t Change

261 Second Side’s WantSecond Side’s Need First Side’s WantFirst Side’s Need Outcomes For Second Benefits For Second Detriments For Second Benefits For First Detriments For First © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma And now let’s examine these matrices in a little more detail in isolation and then we will recombine the outcome with the dilemma cloud Common Objective And to avoid the negative impact of the other side Because of this side’s positive intent Issues For Second Issues For First Outcomes For First A ProposalAnother Proposal Because of this side’s positive intent And to avoid the negative impact of the other side Change Don’t Change

262 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov Dilemma Transformation Matrix

263 Outcomes For Second Benefits For Second Detriments For Second Benefits For First Detriments For First Issues For Second Issues For First Outcomes For First A ProposalAnother Proposal Change Don’t Change © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Another State’s Positives One State’s Negatives Another State’s Negatives One State’s Positives One State Dilemma Another State Here we have our two change matrices on the left and a new “transformation” matrix on the right, and I’m hinting that this new entity is going to be a dilemma

264 Outcomes For Second Benefits For Second Detriments For Second Benefits For First Detriments For First Issues For Second Issues For First Outcomes For First A ProposalAnother Proposal Change Don’t Change © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Another State’s Positives One State’s Negatives Another State’s Negatives One State’s Positives One State Dilemma Another State I want to now “fold-up” – step by step – the two change matrices on the left into the one “transformation” matrix on the right

265 Outcomes For Second Benefits For Second Detriments For Second Benefits For First Detriments For First Issues For Second Issues For First Outcomes For First A ProposalAnother Proposal Change Don’t Change © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Another State’s Positives One State’s Negatives Another State’s Negatives One State’s Positives One State Dilemma Another State And, trust me, there is method in my madness

266 Outcomes For Second Benefits For Second Detriments For Second Benefits For First Detriments For First Issues For Second Issues For First Outcomes For First A ProposalAnother Proposal Change Don’t Change © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Another State’s Positives One State’s Negatives Another State’s Negatives One State’s Positives One State Dilemma Another State Let’s start with the lower matrix and the first side’s positive intent: the loss of the negative issues and gain of the positive outcomes …

267 Outcomes For Second Benefits For Second Detriments For Second Benefits For First Detriments For First Issues For Second Issues For First Outcomes For First A ProposalAnother Proposal Change Don’t Change © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Another State’s Positives One State’s Negatives Another State’s Negatives One State’s Positives One State Dilemma Another State … this is kind of my “navigational home base” …

268 Outcomes For Second Benefits For Second Detriments For Second Benefits For First Detriments For First Issues For Second Issues For First Outcomes For First A ProposalAnother Proposal Change Don’t Change © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Another State’s Positives One State’s Negatives Another State’s Negatives First Side’s Intent One State Dilemma Another State … and I am going to place this in the upper-left positive quadrant of the new transformation matrix

269 Outcomes For Second Benefits For Second Detriments For Second Benefits For First Detriments For First Issues For Second Issues For First Outcomes For First A ProposalAnother Proposal Change Don’t Change © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Another State’s Positives One State’s Negatives Another State’s Negatives First Side’s Intent One State Dilemma Another State Next we look at the potential loss of positive benefits and the gain of negative detriments, both of which are a negative impact to be avoided …

270 Outcomes For Second Benefits For Second Detriments For Second Benefits For First Detriments For First Issues For Second Issues For First Outcomes For First A ProposalAnother Proposal Change Don’t Change © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Another State’s Positives First Side’s Impact On Second Side Another State’s Negatives First Side’s Intent One State Dilemma Another State … and I am going to place these in the upper-right negative quadrant of the new transformation matrix

271 Outcomes For Second Benefits For Second Detriments For Second Benefits For First Detriments For First Issues For Second Issues For First Outcomes For First A ProposalAnother Proposal Change Don’t Change © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Another State’s Positives First Side’s Impact On Second Side Another State’s Negatives First Side’s Intent One State Dilemma Another State Changing over to the upper matrix, let’s look at the second side’s positive intent: the loss of the negative issues and gain of the positive outcomes …

272 Outcomes For Second Benefits For Second Detriments For Second Benefits For First Detriments For First Issues For Second Issues For First Outcomes For First A ProposalAnother Proposal Change Don’t Change © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Second Side’s Intent First Side’s Impact On Second Side Another State’s Negatives First Side’s Intent One State Dilemma Another State … and I am going to place this in the lower-left positive quadrant of the new transformation matrix

273 Outcomes For Second Benefits For Second Detriments For Second Benefits For First Detriments For First Issues For Second Issues For First Outcomes For First A ProposalAnother Proposal Change Don’t Change © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Second Side’s Intent First Side’s Impact On Second Side Another State’s Negatives First Side’s Intent One State Dilemma Another State Finally, we look at the potential loss of positive benefits and gain of the negative detriments, both of which are a negative impact to be avoided …

274 Outcomes For Second Benefits For Second Detriments For Second Benefits For First Detriments For First Issues For Second Issues For First Outcomes For First A ProposalAnother Proposal Change Don’t Change © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Second Side’s Intent First Side’s Impact On Second Side Second Side’s Impact On First Side First Side’s Intent One State Dilemma Another State … and we place this in the lower-right negative quadrant of the new transformation matrix

275 Outcomes For Second Benefits For Second Detriments For Second Benefits For First Detriments For First Issues For Second Issues For First Outcomes For First A ProposalAnother Proposal Change Don’t Change © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Second Side’s Intent First Side’s Impact On Second Side Second Side’s Impact On First Side First Side’s Intent One State Dilemma Another State Now we have a completed transformation matrix

276 Outcomes For Second Benefits For Second Detriments For Second Benefits For First Detriments For First Issues For Second Issues For First Outcomes For First A ProposalAnother Proposal Change Don’t Change © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Second Side’s Intent Impact On Second Side Impact On First Side First Side’s Intent One State Dilemma Another State And let’s clean it up a little, and hopefully those same old diagonals will be apparent to you in this new “folded” structure

277 Outcomes For Second Benefits For Second Detriments For Second Benefits For First Detriments For First Issues For Second Issues For First Outcomes For First A ProposalAnother Proposal Change Don’t Change © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Second Side’s Intent Impact On Second Side Impact On First Side First Side’s Intent One State Dilemma Another State These structures are nothing, if not recursive!

278 Outcomes For Second Benefits For Second Detriments For Second Benefits For First Detriments For First Issues For Second Issues For First Outcomes For First A ProposalAnother Proposal Change Don’t Change © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Second Side’s Intent Impact On Second Side Impact On First Side First Side’s Intent One State Dilemma Another State Now, this is the matrix that people asked where the mermaids and the alligators were in last year’s webinar …

279 Outcomes For Second Benefits For Second Detriments For Second Benefits For First Detriments For First Issues For Second Issues For First Outcomes For First A ProposalAnother Proposal Change Don’t Change © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Second Side’s Intent Impact On Second Side One State Dilemma Another State … except that I had split this transformation matrix out into two halves to get an “arrowhead” shape and this is exactly how it was presented Impact On First Side First Side’s Intent One State Dilemma Another State

280 Outcomes For Second Benefits For Second Detriments For Second Benefits For First Detriments For First Issues For Second Issues For First Outcomes For First A ProposalAnother Proposal Change Don’t Change © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Second Side’s Intent Impact On Second Side One State Dilemma Another State Go back and check, you will see that it is totally consistent Impact On First Side First Side’s Intent One State Dilemma Another State

281 Outcomes For Second Benefits For Second Detriments For Second Benefits For First Detriments For First Issues For Second Issues For First Outcomes For First A ProposalAnother Proposal Change Don’t Change © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Second Side’s Intent Impact On Second Side One State Dilemma Another State Maybe you can see now that the mermaids, the alligators, and our other friends are folded up, two to a quadrant, eight in all Impact On First Side First Side’s Intent One State Dilemma Another State

282 Outcomes For Second Benefits For Second Detriments For Second Benefits For First Detriments For First Issues For Second Issues For First Outcomes For First A ProposalAnother Proposal Change Don’t Change © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Second Side’s Intent Impact On Second Side One State Dilemma Another State Impact On First Side First Side’s Intent One State Dilemma Another State And let me reiterate here; that Harvard Negotiation Project’s Difficult Conversations, and Theory of Constraints, our layers of resistance, our security and satisfaction …

283 Outcomes For Second Benefits For Second Detriments For Second Benefits For First Detriments For First Issues For Second Issues For First Outcomes For First A ProposalAnother Proposal Change Don’t Change © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Second Side’s Intent Impact On Second Side One State Dilemma Another State Impact On First Side First Side’s Intent One State Dilemma Another State … and Professor Jerry Harvey’s The Abilene Paradox, and Robert Fritz’ The Path of Least Resistance all have a magnificent consistency between them

284 Outcomes For Second Benefits For Second Detriments For Second Benefits For First Detriments For First Issues For Second Issues For First Outcomes For First A ProposalAnother Proposal Change Don’t Change © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Second Side’s Intent Impact On Second Side Impact On First Side First Side’s Intent One State Dilemma Another State Now let’s fold things back again into one matrix; we have two change matrices for a conflict on the left, and we have one transformation matrix for a dilemma on the right

285 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Now, in the words of the cartoonist Sydney Harris …

286 Outcomes For Second Benefits For Second Detriments For Second Benefits For First Detriments For First Issues For Second Issues For First Outcomes For First A ProposalAnother Proposal Change Don’t Change © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Second Side’s Intent Impact On Second Side Impact On First Side First Side’s Intent One State Dilemma Another State Well, sorry, not true, it is of practical use. In fact it must be used, if we are to depict a cloud and a matrix as a dilemma. Let’s have a look

287 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov Dilemma Cloud & Transformation Matrix

288 Second Side’s WantSecond Side’s Need First Side’s WantFirst Side’s Need © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Here we have our new transformation matrix and our old dilemma cloud Common Objective And to avoid the negative impact of the other side Because of this side’s positive intent And to avoid the negative impact of the other side First Side’s Intent Second Side’s Intent Impact On Second Side Impact On First Side Dilemma One State Another State

289 Second Side’s WantSecond Side’s Need First Side’s WantFirst Side’s Need © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma We have a tension-resolution system that moves from the negatives: the impact of the second side, towards the positives: the intent of the first side Common Objective And to avoid the negative impact of the other side Because of this side’s positive intent First Side’s Intent Second Side’s Intent Impact On Second Side Impact On First Side Dilemma One State Another State Because of this side’s positive intent And to avoid the negative impact of the other side

290 Second Side’s WantSecond Side’s Need First Side’s WantFirst Side’s Need © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma And we have a tension-resolution system that moves from the negatives: the impact of the first side, towards the positives: the intent of the second side Common Objective And to avoid the negative impact of the other side Because of this side’s positive intent And to avoid the negative impact of the other side First Side’s Intent Second Side’s Intent Impact On Second Side Impact On First Side Dilemma One State Another State

291 Second Side’s WantSecond Side’s Need First Side’s WantFirst Side’s Need © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma And this is the critical difference … Common Objective And to avoid the negative impact of the other side Because of this side’s positive intent And to avoid the negative impact of the other side First Side’s Intent Second Side’s Intent Impact On Second Side Impact On First Side Dilemma One State Another State

292 Second Side’s WantSecond Side’s Need First Side’s WantFirst Side’s Need © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma … in a dilemma we oscillate backwards and forwards, seeking to secure the positives from both sides while wishing to avoid the negatives of either side Common Objective And to avoid the negative impact of the other side Because of this side’s positive intent And to avoid the negative impact of the other side First Side’s Intent Second Side’s Intent Impact On Second Side Impact On First Side Dilemma One State Another State

293 Second Side’s WantSecond Side’s Need First Side’s WantFirst Side’s Need © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Common Objective And to avoid the negative impact of the other side Because of this side’s positive intent And to avoid the negative impact of the other side First Side’s Intent Second Side’s Intent Impact On Second Side Impact On First Side Dilemma One State Another State And do you see it? For an outsider, for a 3 rd person, one who has not bought into either side, a dilemma is a logical “AND” argument …

294 Second Side’s WantSecond Side’s Need First Side’s WantFirst Side’s Need © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Common Objective And to avoid the negative impact of the other side Because of this side’s positive intent And to avoid the negative impact of the other side First Side’s Intent Second Side’s Intent Impact On Second Side Impact On First Side Dilemma One State Another State … we want one side AND we want the other side too

295 Second Side’s WantSecond Side’s Need First Side’s WantFirst Side’s Need © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma It is not a conflict, it is not a logical “OR” argument, where each side is interested only in maintaining their own side and not in maintaining both sides Common Objective And to avoid the negative impact of the other side Because of this side’s positive intent And to avoid the negative impact of the other side Outcomes Benefits Detriments Benefits Detriments Issues Outcomes Our ProposalTheir Proposal Change Don’t Change

296 Second Side’s WantSecond Side’s Need First Side’s WantFirst Side’s Need © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma A dilemma is of a higher logical type than a conflict, and that is why we can, indeed why we must, fold the two change matrices into one transformation matrix Common Objective And to avoid the negative impact of the other side Because of this side’s positive intent And to avoid the negative impact of the other side First Side’s Intent Second Side’s Intent Impact On Second Side Impact On First Side Dilemma One State Another State

297 Second Side’s WantSecond Side’s Need First Side’s WantFirst Side’s Need © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma So, let us ask once again, is there a way out? Common Objective And to avoid the negative impact of the other side Because of this side’s positive intent And to avoid the negative impact of the other side First Side’s Intent Second Side’s Intent Impact On Second Side Impact On First Side Dilemma One State Another State

298 Second Side’s WantSecond Side’s Need First Side’s WantFirst Side’s Need © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Sure there is, we are much more likely to identify and remove erroneous assumptions in 3 rd person than we ever were as 1 st or 2 nd person … Common Objective And to avoid the negative impact of the other side Because of this side’s positive intent And to avoid the negative impact of the other side First Side’s Intent Second Side’s Intent Impact On Second Side Impact On First Side Dilemma One State Another State

299 Second Side’s WantSecond Side’s Need First Side’s WantFirst Side’s Need © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma … but if we can’t, then ultimately we may have to transcend this current structure, and that is the subject of the second webinar Common Objective And to avoid the negative impact of the other side Because of this side’s positive intent And to avoid the negative impact of the other side First Side’s Intent Second Side’s Intent Impact On Second Side Impact On First Side Dilemma One State Another State

300 Second Side’s WantSecond Side’s Need First Side’s WantFirst Side’s Need © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Raising a conflict to a dilemma and knowing the mechanics of how to do so is a very important step forward in our quest Common Objective And to avoid the negative impact of the other side Because of this side’s positive intent And to avoid the negative impact of the other side First Side’s Intent Second Side’s Intent Impact On Second Side Impact On First Side Dilemma One State Another State

301 Second Side’s WantSecond Side’s Need First Side’s WantFirst Side’s Need © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Let’s summarize Common Objective And to avoid the negative impact of the other side Because of this side’s positive intent And to avoid the negative impact of the other side First Side’s Intent Second Side’s Intent Impact On Second Side Impact On First Side Dilemma One State Another State

302 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Conflict DilemmaTranscendence We have journeyed from an examination of the cloud and of the matrix to a combination that represents a conflict We have shown where the layers of resistance are and also where satisfaction and security ought to be found in this two-matrix layout Exacerbate/Stagnate/Alleviate OscillateEliminate DidacticDialectic

303 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Conflict DilemmaTranscendence We have shown how we can exacerbate such a conflict through miscommunication and confirmation bias which leads through to schismogenesis, and an understanding of the underlying feedback loops We have shown how a conflict stagnates to within an area of tolerable conflict We have shown how to alleviate a conflict through the examination of erroneous assumptions principally through the concept of Difficult Conversations Exacerbate/Stagnate/Alleviate OscillateEliminate DidacticDialectic

304 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Conflict DilemmaTranscendence Exacerbate/Stagnate/Alleviate OscillateEliminate DidacticDialectic Finally, we have shown how to move from the logical “OR” of a conflict to the logical “AND” of a dilemma We have shown that a different and necessary transformation matrix is required for this higher logical type and where the mermaids and other entities are located

305 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov From Conflict To Dilemma Conflict DilemmaTranscendence Exacerbate/Stagnate/Alleviate OscillateEliminate DidacticDialectic In the next webinar we will continue this journey and more fully examine the role of oscillation in dilemmas, and then learn how to transcend the dilemma and eliminate the oscillation with a unique and systemic solution built around a senior organizing principle Thank you very much and please join me again on the 6 th December

306 © Dr Kelvyn Youngman, Nov End Website: E mail: youngman “at” dbrmfg.co.nz


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