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傳道人家庭与事奉的挑戰 Balancing Pastoral Needs of Family & Ministry 灣區傳道人靈修會 Mission Springs, Santa Cruz, California April 2-4, 2001 傳道人家庭与事奉的挑戰 Balancing Pastoral.

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Presentation on theme: "傳道人家庭与事奉的挑戰 Balancing Pastoral Needs of Family & Ministry 灣區傳道人靈修會 Mission Springs, Santa Cruz, California April 2-4, 2001 傳道人家庭与事奉的挑戰 Balancing Pastoral."— Presentation transcript:

1 傳道人家庭与事奉的挑戰 Balancing Pastoral Needs of Family & Ministry 灣區傳道人靈修會 Mission Springs, Santa Cruz, California April 2-4, 2001 傳道人家庭与事奉的挑戰 Balancing Pastoral Needs of Family & Ministry 灣區傳道人靈修會 Mission Springs, Santa Cruz, California April 2-4, 2001 Melvin W. Wong, Ph.D. Licensed Clinical Psychologist 220 Montgomery St., Suite 1098, San Francisco, CA Mowry Ave., Fremont, CA 94538

2 路加福音 7:31-35 聖經新譯本 耶穌又說:「我要把這世代的人比作甚麼 呢?他們好像甚麼呢?他們好像小孩子 坐在巿中心,彼此呼叫,說:『我們給 你們吹笛子,你們卻不跳舞;我們唱哀 歌,你們也不啼哭。』因為施洗的約翰 來了,不吃飯,不喝酒,你們說他是鬼 附的。人子來了,又吃又喝,你們說: 『你看,這人貪食好酒,與稅吏和罪人 為友。』但上帝的智慧,藉著他的兒女 便證實是公義的了。」

3 The Problem: Clergy & Immorality 1992 Leadership magazine survey of pastors. SomeSome 46% acknowledged sexual problems 20%20% report some form of "inappropriate sexual contact," 10%10% intercourse outside of marriage. Psychologically:Psychologically: Extra-Marital Sex is for Intimacy, Friendship, Close Communication, Power, Control, Domination. Why does it happen? ResponsibilityResponsibility of elders & deacons. Sex is taboo? What does the Bible say?

4 Common Chinese Pastors Characteristics LowLow Personal Maturity: But highly Educated –Codependency, –Codependency, Dysfunctional-Abuse-Neglect UnableUnable to Socialize: Loneliness in Pastorate –No –No friends, No team-work, No help, Territorial LowLow Conflicts Resolution Skills –Resentments –Resentments build in Congregation, Win-Lose MishandlingMishandling of Trust and Authority –Low –Low Accountability, Overstepping Boundaries,

5 提多書 1:6-9 聖經新譯本 如果有人無可指摘,只作一個妻子的丈夫, 兒女都信主,也沒有人控告他們放蕩或不 受約束,才可以作長老。因為監督是上帝 的管家,所以必須無可指摘、不任性、不 隨便動怒、不好酒、不打人、不貪不義之 財;卻要接待客旅、喜愛良善、自律、公 正、聖潔、自制,堅守那合乎教義、可靠 的真道,好使他能夠用純正的道理勸勉人 ,並且能夠折服反對的人。

6 The Five-Hierarchical Harmonious Relationships (The Five-Orders) 五倫 Copyright (C) Melvin W. Wong, Ph.D

7 Biblical Order of Relationships “The New Five-Orders” 新五倫 Copyright © Melvin W.Wong, Ph.D Christ 1.Christ the King and His Children Children (Isaiah (Isaiah 9:6-7) Love and Sacrifice 2.Father 2.Father and Mother (Exodus 20:12) Love and Honor (Leave, Cleave becoming one flesh) 3.Husband 3.Husband and Wife (Ephesians (Ephesians 5: :21-25 ) Love and Commitment 4.Parents 4.Parents and Children (Ephesians (Ephesians 6:1-2 6:1-2 ) Love and Acceptance 5.Fellowship 5.Fellowship of Believers, Friend-Foe (1 (1 John 4: :11-12 ) One another love, Hospitality & Forgiveness (Mat 22:39)

8 E-Culture & Pastoral Ministry “E-Culture” Is Silicon Valley Culture InformationInformation & Knowledge rich: Wisdom “poor” ResourceResource rich: Morally choices are poor “identity” –Self-serving –Self-serving nature of competition: “Me 1st” –Lacks –Lacks personal commitment in relationships –“Pain-Free” –“Pain-Free” existence “I want it all, NOW” InstabilityInstability of market: Uncertainty & Flexibility ConsumerConsumer orientation: “Cafeteria” style spirituality LackLack of relationship wisdom: Goals orientation Entrepreneurialism:Entrepreneurialism: “He has the most toys win!”

9 “E-Culture” Is Silicon Valley Culture Picture credit: Time (Digital) Magazine

10 “E-Culture” Is Silicon Valley Culture Picture credit: Time (Digital) Magazine

11 “E-Culture” Is Silicon Valley Culture Picture credit: Time (Digital) Magazine

12 “E-Culture” Is Silicon Valley Culture Picture credit: Time (Digital) Magazine

13 E-Culture & Pastoral Ministry Silicon Valley Culture & Ministry MinisterMinister Personality is paramount: Overarching ResourceResource rich: Morally choices are poor –Minster –Minster should not be Self-serving: “Not Me 1st” –Personal –Personal openness in congregational relationships –Answer –Answer “Pain-Free” existence & delay gratification StabilityStability of ministry: Reduce uncertainty Consumerism:Consumerism: “Cafeteria” package “Whole” spirituality RelationshipRelationship focused: People Orientation > Goals

14 E-Culture & Pastoral Ministry An Affective Pastor is An Effective Person “Bad Men were Bad Boys” TheThe pastor is a personable individual –With –With a secrue identity not sensitive to threat –A –A moral person with a clear conscience healthy person who functions in multiple roles TheThe pastor is a Man Man of integrity to all people TheThe pastor is a Husband Husband who accepts his wife TheThe pastor is a Father Father who accepts his children

15 Family Tree Diagram Father Son-1 Son-1 Mother Daughter Son-2

16 Casts of the Dysfunctional Family Addict Enabler Adult-child: Man with problems; Gambling, affairs, rage & irresponsibility Mother who helps hide husband’s serious problems Survival for me

17 Casts of the Dysfunctional Family Addict Enabler Mother who is trying to be the UN Peace- Keeper: Hoping things will not go out of her control Keep the peace: Survival for me

18 Casts of the Dysfunctional Family Addict Enabler Be Perfect: Problems will go away Hero I want to be hero too! I am worthy Win-Lose Rivalry Detach

19 Casts of the Dysfunctional Family Addict Enabler Rebel: Believing I am the problem Scapegoat

20 Casts of the Dysfunctional Family Addict Enabler Withdraws from Relationships: Numb Lost Child

21 Casts of the Dysfunctional Family Addict Enabler Makes laughter admist family tragedy Clown

22 Casts of the Dysfunctional Family Adapted from: Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse, 1985, Health Communications, FL Enabler: Enabler: Tries to control to make things OK Hero: Hero: Be perfect & problems will go away Scapegoat: Scapegoat: Rebel against family problems & then finally believing that s/he is the problem Lost Child: Child: Retreats, withdraws & isolates self from meaningful relationships Mascot (Clown): (Clown): Desperately makes everyone laugh admist the family tragedy. Pampered

23 “The Safest Place on Earth” Larry Crabb Eugene H, Peterson’s preface Professor Emeritus of Spiritual Theology Regent College

24 “The Safest Place on Earth” Larry Crabb (Eugene H, Peterson’s preface Professor Emeritus of Spiritual Theology Regent College) Building spiritual communties vs. clubs & groupsBuilding spiritual communties vs. clubs & groups –Community is built on family prototypes –Families are built on each person, the individual Minster’s managerial skills vs. caring personalityMinster’s managerial skills vs. caring personality Entrepreneurial attitude vs. people caringEntrepreneurial attitude vs. people caring –Maverick pioneering vs. Corporate culture –Ego trips –Winning over losing: Adversarial mentality

25 Making Significant Contact & Engagement Point of Personal Pain E-CultureE-Culture and the denial of Pain PeoplePeople have personal emotional pain MinistryMinistry to people with pain need care HowHow does a pastor reach out to people in pain? –Not –Not through a technical explanation only –Is –Is through a personal empathy on sufferer –Show –Show them how by personal example & experience –Not –Not by suppression and denial –Be a friend of the sufferer

26 Secure Self-Identity Development Secure Self-Identity Development Family of origin IssuesFamily of origin Issues Metabolizing angerMetabolizing anger –Sarcasms & Insensitivity Dealing with personal defeatDealing with personal defeat Expressing & in-touch with sadnessExpressing & in-touch with sadness

27 Hazards of Pastoral Ministry Public SelfPublic Self Private SelfPrivate Self Genuine Self: Reconciling Public & Private SelvesGenuine Self: Reconciling Public & Private Selves

28 Specific Hazards Limits ViolationLimits Violation Boundary ViolationBoundary Violation Relational DependenceRelational Dependence Emotional DependenceEmotional Dependence Sexual DependenceSexual Dependence

29 Dealing with Defenses Intellectualization: “If I can think about it and it is logical, it must be right”Intellectualization: “If I can think about it and it is logical, it must be right” Rationalizaiton: “It is reasonable, therefore it must be right”Rationalizaiton: “It is reasonable, therefore it must be right” Spiritualization: “There is a Biblcal support, therefore it must be right”Spiritualization: “There is a Biblcal support, therefore it must be right” Justification: “Therefore, it is right and no one can challenge me!”Justification: “Therefore, it is right and no one can challenge me!”

30 Self-Regulatory Mechanisms How do I set priorities?How do I set priorities? –“I set them based on what God tells me to!” Meeting subconscious needs with conscious choicesMeeting subconscious needs with conscious choices Meeting your pastoral callMeeting your pastoral call

31 Biblical Priorities in Pastoral Minsitry Seeking to control self with self- understandingSeeking to control self with self- understanding Able to minister to yourself, spouse, family & ChildrenAble to minister to yourself, spouse, family & Children Able to minister to your congregationAble to minister to your congregation

32 彼得前書 1 Peter 5:2-3 聖經新譯本 (NIV) 務要牧養你們中間的 羊群,按著上帝的 旨意照顧他們。不 是出於勉強,而是 出於甘心;不是因 為貪財,而是出於 熱誠;也不是要轄 制託付你們的羊群 ,而是作他們的榜 樣。 Be shepherds of God's flock that is under your care, serving as overseers--not because you must, but because you are willing, as God wants you to be; not greedy for money, but eager to serve; not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock.

33 提多書 1:6-9 聖經新譯本 如果有人無可指摘,只作一個妻子的丈夫, 兒女都信主,也沒有人控告他們放蕩或不 受約束,才可以作長老。因為監督是上帝 的管家,所以必須無可指摘、不任性、不 隨便動怒、不好酒、不打人、不貪不義之 財;卻要接待客旅、喜愛良善、自律、公 正、聖潔、自制,堅守那合乎教義、可靠 的真道,好使他能夠用純正的道理勸勉人 ,並且能夠折服反對的人。

34 Sexual Desires and the Pursuit of Holiness 情欲天所賜? To preview: ChristianMentalHealth.com

35 John 21:15-17 (NIV) When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me more than these?" "Yes, Lord," he said, "you know that I love you." Jesus said, "Feed my lambs." Again Jesus said, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me?" He answered, "Yes, Lord, you know that I love you." Jesus said, "Take care of my sheep." The third time he said to him, "Simon son of John, do you love me?" Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, "Do you love me?" He said, "Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you." Jesus said, "Feed my sheep.

36 約翰福音 21:15-17 聖經新譯本 他們吃了早飯,耶穌問西門彼得:「約翰的兒子 西門,你愛我比這些更深嗎?」他回答:「主 啊,是的,你知道我愛你。」耶穌說:「你餵 養我的小羊。」耶穌第二次又問他:「約翰的 兒子西門,你愛我嗎?」他回答:「主啊,是 的,你知道我愛你。」耶穌說:「你牧養我的 羊。」耶穌第三次問他:「約翰的兒子西門, 你愛我嗎?」彼得因為耶穌第三次問他:「你 愛我嗎?」就憂愁起來,對耶穌說:「主啊, 你是無所不知的,你知道我愛你。」耶穌說: 「你餵養我的羊。

37 3 Biblical Approaches in Understanding Personhood Monad: Old Testament man is MonadicMonad: Old Testament man is Monadic Trichotomy: Spirit, Body, Soul (1Thes 5:23)Trichotomy: Spirit, Body, Soul (1Thes 5:23) Dichotomy: 1) Body; 2) Soul & SpiritDichotomy: 1) Body; 2) Soul & Spirit –(Soul: mind, emotion & intellect). –Body-Soul (intellect: it is capable in degenerating so it is not yet redeemed. Emotions are not redeemed) (The outer man not yet redeemed). –Spiritual (Inner man redeemed).

38 馬太福音 10:33-38 聖經新譯本 在人面前不認我的,我在我天父面前也要不 認他。「你們不要以為我來了,是要給地 上帶來和平;我並沒有帶來和平,卻帶來 刀劍,因為我來了是要叫人分裂:人與父 親作對,女兒與母親作對,媳婦與婆婆作 對,人的仇敵就是自己的家人。愛父母過 於愛我的,不配作屬我的;愛兒女過於愛 我的,不配作屬我的;凡不背起自己的十 字架來跟從我的,也不配作屬我的。

39 Matthew 10:33-38 (NIV) But whoever disowns me before men, I will disown him before my Father in heaven. "Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn " `a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law-- a man's enemies will be the members of his own household. "'Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me.

40 Soul vs. Spirit, (Heart) & Body 1 Thessalonians 5:23 May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. Hebrews 4:12 For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.

41 Old-Man vs. New-Man Romans 6:6 For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sinRomans 6:6 For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin

42 Redemption of Inner-Man vs. Outer-Man Romans 8:23 Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies.Romans 8:23 Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. Christ first coming was to provide spiritual (inner-man) redemption, but not outer man. Christ’s second coming: To redeem the outer-man.Christ first coming was to provide spiritual (inner-man) redemption, but not outer man. Christ’s second coming: To redeem the outer-man.

43 “New Creature” 2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! (NIV) Therefore if any man [be] in Christ, [he is] a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new. (KJV)

44 情感溝通關係的七個踏段 Seven Levels of Emotional & Physical Communication Copyright 2001 (c) Melvin W. Wong, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved 親密的程度關係的特徵情感的特徵 7性愛經驗性愛的親密(有性興奮和有圓滿安全感覺) 6身體上的親密身體親密(熟悉和安全) 5願意分享真心話 絕對的信任 (坦誠不怕被傷害) 4分享內心感受信任與坦白的發展 3分享個人的看法深一層的個人興趣 2交換資料性的事實表面的興趣發掘 1閒談安全的社交

45 Outer-man vs. Inner-man 2 Corinthians 4:16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.

46 Romans 7:19-25 Paul’s Battle For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do -- this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God -- through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin. (NIV)

47 Redemption of Spirit & Body Ephesians 1:7 In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace Romans 8:23 Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies.

48 Greater Emotional distance a pastor feels from his wife, Greater likelihood of Infidelity Poor Personal Adjustment, Low self-UnderstandingPoor Personal Adjustment, Low self-Understanding Marital Dissatisfaction.Marital Dissatisfaction. The Position of Trust of the Pastoral Role.The Position of Trust of the Pastoral Role. –15% admitted they feel sexual attraction. –21% experienced this on at least a weekly basis. –Neediness & emotional emptiness of single women, divorcees, and wives –Low level of self-esteem and a compulsiveness

49 Poor Personal Adjustment, Low self-Understanding Personality factors (attitudes, emotions, behaviors, and family of origin issues) can predispose a minister to engage in marital infidelity.Personality factors (attitudes, emotions, behaviors, and family of origin issues) can predispose a minister to engage in marital infidelity. Feelings of low self-esteem (fed by mistrust of others, feelings of rejection, and shame) can cause a pastor to go looking for a non-threatening, non-demanding relationship that will make him feel successful.Feelings of low self-esteem (fed by mistrust of others, feelings of rejection, and shame) can cause a pastor to go looking for a non-threatening, non-demanding relationship that will make him feel successful. Survey showed: 96% pastors who had had an affair had never told anyone.Survey showed: 96% pastors who had had an affair had never told anyone. Research shows link between pornography & infidelity.Research shows link between pornography & infidelity.

50 Marital Dissatisfaction Probability of unfaithfulness increases in direct proportion to the perceived emotional difference between a pastor and his wife.Probability of unfaithfulness increases in direct proportion to the perceived emotional difference between a pastor and his wife. Many pastors allow their work and ministry responsibilities to overshadow the marriage relationship. There is also clearly a need for a good physical relationship. Otherwise the pastor begins to think in terms of other sexual partners.Many pastors allow their work and ministry responsibilities to overshadow the marriage relationship. There is also clearly a need for a good physical relationship. Otherwise the pastor begins to think in terms of other sexual partners.

51 The Position of Trust of the Pastoral Role 15% admitted feeling sexual attraction daily15% admitted feeling sexual attraction daily 21% experienced this at least weekly21% experienced this at least weekly Visitation, counseling, and other acts of ministry as a way to get his own needs met- -setting himself up for sexual indiscretion.Visitation, counseling, and other acts of ministry as a way to get his own needs met- -setting himself up for sexual indiscretion. Emotional emptiness of single women, divorcees, and wives whose husbands are not as caring exacerbate the likelihoodEmotional emptiness of single women, divorcees, and wives whose husbands are not as caring exacerbate the likelihood

52 The Position of Trust of the Pastoral Role High-risk pastors manifest low level self- esteem & compulsiveness: workaholism or emotional overinvolvement with othersHigh-risk pastors manifest low level self- esteem & compulsiveness: workaholism or emotional overinvolvement with others He will often try to hide or compensate for perceived inadequacies, feeling trapped by his congregation's expectations.He will often try to hide or compensate for perceived inadequacies, feeling trapped by his congregation's expectations. He tends to isolate himself emotionally from his spouse and his peers.He tends to isolate himself emotionally from his spouse and his peers.

53 Power and Pride Power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely.Power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely. –Need accountability. How to Balance Power? Team-work, Feedback loop, Spiritual Power not absoluteHow to Balance Power? Team-work, Feedback loop, Spiritual Power not absolute Great power not necessarily corrupt, but power with pride dangerous combination.Great power not necessarily corrupt, but power with pride dangerous combination. –Pride is flipside of low self-esteem

54 Time, Priority Management It is easy for a pastor to believe his every church-related task is vital.It is easy for a pastor to believe his every church-related task is vital. Wife and children receive less and less of his attention; he may unwittingly disobey God's mandate that spiritual leaders manage their own families properly.Wife and children receive less and less of his attention; he may unwittingly disobey God's mandate that spiritual leaders manage their own families properly. Build marital, parent-child relationshipBuild marital, parent-child relationship –Role-modeling, “Love thy neighbor as thyself”

55 Mid-life Crisis It happens to everyone but in different waysIt happens to everyone but in different ways –Meaningfulness of life, Ministry –Accept Life stages of change? Aging, letting go Build significance on career or on relationshipsBuild significance on career or on relationships Bad marital, parental relationship come to a headBad marital, parental relationship come to a head Uncontrollable circumstances in life: LossesUncontrollable circumstances in life: Losses Need to confront what was repressed and deniedNeed to confront what was repressed and denied

56 Pastoral Burnout Feeling not Appreciated: “It’s Pointless”Feeling not Appreciated: “It’s Pointless” Resentment Builds without ResolutionResentment Builds without Resolution Can’t accept personal Anger & ResentmentCan’t accept personal Anger & Resentment Depression sets in, Denial strengthenedDepression sets in, Denial strengthened Social Isolation & Withdrawal, Poor Sleep, Low Sex DriveSocial Isolation & Withdrawal, Poor Sleep, Low Sex Drive Danger Signs: Crave For UnderstandingDanger Signs: Crave For Understanding

57 Over-Coming The Pitfalls Build Friendships: Dual Relationships & Boundaries. Can you have a church buddy?Build Friendships: Dual Relationships & Boundaries. Can you have a church buddy? –Variety of friendships, no dual relationships –Friend to your Spouse & Children Balance of Rational-Emotional AwarenessBalance of Rational-Emotional Awareness Accountability Group: Other pastorsAccountability Group: Other pastors Get Personal Counseling for self: ConfidentialityGet Personal Counseling for self: Confidentiality

58 “Tension triggers hormone Helpful to Germs & Cancer” Lancet: July 8, 1995 (Dr. Julio Lucinio, NIMH) Common Belief: “anxious people are more likely to become ill than happy-go-lucky types.”Common Belief: “anxious people are more likely to become ill than happy-go-lucky types.” “Stress triggers release of CRH-Corticotropin- Releasing-Hromone wich sticks to cells altering the gene. POMC gene gets inside viruses to enhance their growth. Design new drugs to block it.“Stress triggers release of CRH-Corticotropin- Releasing-Hromone wich sticks to cells altering the gene. POMC gene gets inside viruses to enhance their growth. Design new drugs to block it. “It may be simpler to learn to relax” Dr. Rabin“It may be simpler to learn to relax” Dr. Rabin

59 New International Version 提多書 1:6-9 An elder must be blameless, the husband of but one wife, a man whose children believe and are not open to the charge of being wild and disobedient. Since an overseer is entrusted with God's work, he must be blameless--not overbearing, not quick- tempered, not given to drunkenness, not violent, not pursuing dishonest gain. Rather he must be hospitable, one who loves what is good, who is self-controlled, upright, holy and disciplined. He must hold firmly to the trustworthy message as it has been taught, so that he can encourage others by sound doctrine and refute those who oppose it.

60 Luke 7:31-35 (NIV) "To what, then, can I compare the people of this generation? What are they like? They are like children sitting in the marketplace and calling out to each other: " `We played the flute for you, and you did not dance; we sang a dirge, and you did not cry. 'For John the Baptist came neither eating bread nor drinking wine, and you say, `He has a demon. 'The Son of Man came eating and drinking, and you say, `Here is a glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and "sinners." 'But wisdom is proved right by all her children."


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