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Tools to Father Children Through Their Stages Amanda J. Rockinson.

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1 Tools to Father Children Through Their Stages Amanda J. Rockinson

2 Importance of Fathers 3 tools of fathering children at all stages: – Relationship/ Affection – Instruction/Discipline – Time

3 The First Year : The Place of Attachment What are some common characteristics of a child 0-1? Total Dependence Leaning Trust Cries, eats, sleeps

4 The First Year: Tools for the Father Talk to your baby. It is soothing to hear your voice. Sing to your baby. Praise your baby and give him/her lots of loving attention. Spend time cuddling and holding your baby.

5 The First Year: Safety Tools Never shake your newborn baby. Prevent SIDS, put your baby to sleep on her back. Car seat

6 The First Year: Affection and Instruction STAGEAffectionInstruction Infancy (First Year)Total dependency. Give compassion and empathy liberally. Feed when needed. Soothe and comfort at the onset of distress. For the most part, you do not have to provide instruction and structure. His being alone, uncomforted, hungry, separate, and totally dependent teaches an infant enough difficult truth for now. Gradually introduce the structure of feeding and nap times.

7 The Second Year: Exploration begins What are some common characteristics of a child 1-2 year olds? – More independent – Exploration/ Curiosity – “mine” – “no” – Imitative play

8 The Second Year: Physical Development Walking alone Begins to run Climbs up and down from furniture unassisted Stand on tiptoes Kicks the ball Stacking and sorting objects – Builds block towers and knocks them over – covering and uncovering container – turning knobs Scribbles spontaneously Develops spatial concepts “in,” “on,” “under” Tools for Fathers: – Play matching games – Make clay shapes – Build with blocks and have child knock them over when you say, “down”

9 The Second Year: Language Development Masters about 50 single words: names of familiar people, favorite toys, body parts Will omit constant and vowels Points to objects when named for him Use phrase (18-24 mo.) Uses two to four word sentences Repeats words heard in conversation, does NOT mean child understands Tools for Fathers: – Ask toddler to find objects for you or name body parts and objects. – Help to develop your toddler's language by talking with them. – Give as much time as needed to finish what is trying to be said without hurrying, and then answer with the correct pronunciation of the word (“That’s right, it’s a ball!”) – Read to your toddler daily. – Speak slowly and clearly – Follow simple commands

10 The Second Year: Cognitive Development Understand hiding and separation. Imitation becomes a large part of play (brushes hair, babbles into phone) Toddler is director of play. Lacks judgment and the ability to see how one thing affects another. Does NOT understand consequences. Tools for Fathers: – Encourage your toddler's curiosity and ability to recognize common objects by taking field trips together to the park or a bus ride. – Be a good role model. – Have a special play time (twenty minutes of child directed play) – Praise when child does something special. – Supply judgment that the toddler lacks.

11 The Second Year: Social Development The toddler is self-centered, and is concerned with everything in relation to himself/ herself. Little awareness of others feelings and their physical responses. Excited about company of other children. Greater self-awareness. Be able to brush teeth and wash hands if shown how. Imitator and helper Tools for Fathers: – Make sure that there are enough toys for everyone when siblings are around. – Reassure when possessive: “it’s okay for him to have a turn.” – When physical aggression occurs, pull toddler from the situation. Say, “Don’t hit,” and redirect to friendly play. – Turn chores into games the toddler can help do. Encourage helpful behavior.

12 The Second Year: Toys Board books with large pictures, simple stories Blocks Simple shape sorters Toys that encourage make- believe (child lawn mower, kitchen set, tool sets) Digging toys (plastic buckets, shovels, rakes) Dolls Cars, trucks, trains Unbreakable containers all shapes and sizes (Tupperware) Bath toys (boats, squeak toys) Push and pull toys Child keyboard or other musical instruments Toy telephone Unbreakable mirror Dress-up clothes Unbreakable items child finds abound the house (pots and pans, wodden spoons, cardboard boxes)

13 The Second Year: Behavior and Discipline Behavior : Limited understanding of “good” and “bad” and rules Behavior: Acts on the impulse of the moment. Behavior: Desire to please and be like parent. Behavior: Misbehavior Discipline: Clear simple instructions. Eliminate temptations. Discipline: Firm, gentle guidance over and over. Discipline: Give affection to outnumber discipline. Model affection and care. Praise and give attention for good behavior. Discipline: Alert child with voice and facial expression; remove child from situation. Decide on next response.

14 The Second Year: Discipline Strategy 1-2-3- Magic or Timeout Timeout = briefly, No attention. No toys. No fun. 1. Say, ”Do not open door.” Toddler persists. 2. Repeat firmly, ”Do not open door.” He opens it. 3. Repeat instruction and pick child up with back toward you. 4. Put child in play pen empty of toys. Stay out of site of child/ leave the room. 5. Wait a minute or two til crying subsides, and return to him. 6. Reassure child of love. Key: Be calm and consistent. Respond immediately after child breaks rule.

15 The Third Year: Exploration continues What are some common characteristics of a child 2-3 year olds? – Every other word seems to be “no” – Constant tug of war between total dependence and assertion of independence

16 The Third Year: Physical Development Climbs well Walks up and down steps, alternating feet Kicks ball Runs easily Pedals tricycle High energy and activity to strengthen body and develop coordination Short attention span Bends over with out failing Makes vertical, horizontal, circular strokes with crayons Turns pages one at a time Screws and unscrews jar lids Coordinate wrist and fingers: unwrap candy, unzip coat Tools for Fathers – Kids love piggy back rides – Teach to kick and give direction to ball – Play games that involve running and climbing – Take to the playground: slide, floor level balance beam – Remember: The child’s self- control and judgment lag his/her motor skills, thus you must remain vigilant and keep safety on your high priority list at all times. – Blocks and interlocking construction sets (Lincoln Logs, Kinex, Tinker toys) will keep child’s attention for long time – Color/ Finger paints are always fun. – Play parade or follow the leader with your toddler.

17 The Third Year: Language Development Follows 2-3 component commands Recognizes and identifies almost all common objects and pictures Understands most sentences Understands physical relationships- “in” “on” “under” Uses 4-5 word sentences (“I want my cup” “Where’s the ball dad” ) Uses pronouns (me,,you,,I) Tools for Fathers – Read to your child, daily if possible. Short, action oriented (touch, point, name) books are best. – Teach your child simple songs like Itsy Bitsy Spider, or other cultural childhood rhymes. – Encourage your child to tell you her name and age.

18 The Third Year: Cognitive Development Makes mechanical toys work. Understanding of cause and effect. Matches an object in hand or room to a picture in book Plays make-believe with dolls, animals, and people Shorts objects by shape and color/ understand relations between objects Complete puzzles with 3-4 pieces Understand concept of two. Understands simple time concepts : “You can play after you eat” Mentally perform trial and error instead of physically manipulating object. Child thinks that everything in the world occurs because of him/her. Difficult concepts: death, divorce, illness. Tools for Fathers: – Speak in simple word (Father: “we are going to fly to Florida.” Child: My arms are not strong enough.” ) – Be concrete with child. – Play sorting and matching games. – Make believe play with your child. – Help your child to explore her surroundings by taking her on a walk or wagon ride.

19 The Third Year: Social and Emotion Development By nature is selfish. Views world almost exclusively through own needs and desires. Rarely realize that they are out of line, and able to control themselves. Test limits- his and yours. Imitates adults and playmates Spontaneously shows affection Can take turn in games Understands “mine” and “his/her” Expresses a wide range of emotion By, three, separates easily from parent Objects to major changes in routine Tools for Fathers: – Useless to say, “How would you feel if…?” (save such comments until your child is about 7) – Consistently set reasonable limits. – Praise good behavior. Simple, Clear, and Specific. This lead the child to feel good about themselves. – Separation. Do not over react, reassure of return. Praise for being good. – Let child play with others his/her age. Monitor activity for safety, but let children guide themselves.

20 The Third Year: Behavior and Discipline Behavior: Resist going to sleep. Behavior: Nightmares Discipline: – Help child feel in control by giving choices: what to wear, bedtime story. – Leave night light on. – Let child sleep with transitional object. – If cries, leave him ten minutes before you go in an settle him down again. Discipline: – Monitor T.V. watching – Pleasant story or soothing music before bed

21 The Third Year: Behavior and Discipline Behavior: Impulsive temper tantrums, pushing, shoving and quarrelling to get own way. – Child can not yet control self. – Purpose: Test limits. Discipline: – Praise good – Positive approach “You need to..” “You may not..” – Distract from unwanted activity or behavior – Set limits. Clear rules and immediate, app. consequences immediate and appropriate (i.e. 5 minute time out. Any longer, will forget why there.)

22 The Third Year: Discipline Strategy Extinction: 1. Define what child is doing wrong. Be specific about the behavior and the circumstance in which it occurs. 2. Keep track of how often the child does it, and your behavior. 3. Try something new: Ignore the child’s behavior. Be consistent. 4. When child acts properly in situation where misbehavior usually occurs, praise the child. 5. If you manage to extinguish the misbehavior for a while and it reappears, start the process over. It probably won’t take long the second time.

23 The Third Year: Temper Tantrums – Important: When a child oversteps a limit and is pulled back, he’ll likely react with a tantrum or rage- hitting, biting, kicking. This is normal and the child’s only way to deal with difficult realities of life. It is not uncommon for others to say that the child is an angel. Because they do not trust others, they are not likely to test limits. With you, your child will be willing to try things that may be dangerous or difficult, because he/ she knows that you will rescue if he/she gets in trouble.

24 The Third Year: Temper Tantrums Prevent Tantrums: – Ask in friendly tine. – Don't over react to “no.” – Choose battles carefully – Offer limited choices when possible. – Avoid trigger situations. – Reward good behavior with praise and attention. – Keep a sense of humor. – Don’t use physical punishment. – Monitor T.V. watching. Controlling Tantrums: – Distract: Let child express emotion, but channel anger away from violent, aggressive behavior. Turn energy to activity that is more acceptable. – If you can’t distract, Ignore. – In public, remove from situation without discussion. – If harmful behaviors, put child by themselves and follow with consequence when child is calm. Don’t reason, there is no point. –

25 Affection and Instruction StageAffectionInstruction Toddlerhood (1- 3) Empathize Coach and guide Understand the fear. Comfort and reestablish the connection after discipline with assurances of love. Limits and boundaries Discipline and correction. “No” Require more separateness Teach social skills

26 The Fourth : Independence and Autonomy What are some common characteristics? – Ages 3-4 – “Magical worlds” (fantasy and vivid imagination) – Learns social skills/ feelings for others – More organized play – Learns to express feeling through words instead of actions – Wants to please and bargain – Starts school

27 The Fourth Year: Physical Development Moves forward and backward with ease/ agility Rides tricycle with ease Kicks ball forward Throws ball over head Catches bounced ball most of the time Enjoys more structured physical activity and plays longer periods of time Gaining muscular control and concentration; can grab pencil like adult Spatial awareness develops; positions toys with great care Likes to discover what he/she can do tools (scissors, crayons, etc.) Draws people, begins to copy capital letters Tools for Fathers: – Play tag or catch – Arts and Crafts with close supervision – Quiet activities: Building blocks, jigsaw puzzles, stringing wooden beads, coloring with crayons, build sand castles, dressing and undressing dolls with large zippers and snaps, – Understand constant activity is part of learning and fun, not intentionally annoying. – Still needs adult supervision to prevent injury and accidents as self-control, judgment, and coordination are still developing.

28 The Fourth Year: Language Development 300- 1,000 words Talks in 5-6 word sentences Begins to use words to express self and think “What’s this?” Understands the concepts “same” and “different” Masters basic grammar Tells stories Tools for Fathers – Help child expand vocabulary. (i.e child:,”big car”; Father: “Yes, that is a big gray car.”) – Don’t try to correct pronoun usage, this will confuse the child. – Foster your child's language by speaking to her in complete sentences and in "adult" language. Help her to use the correct words and phrases. – Help children answer own questions through books. – Go to the library and bookstore.

29 The Fourth Year: Cognitive Development Questions everything. Will listen to short and to the point answers. Correctly names some colors. Begins to have a clearer sense of time (his routine, when mail comes, birthdays ad holidays) Understand counting; knows a few numbers Follows 3 part commands Approaches problem from single point of view. Tools for Fathering: – Give clear and simple explanations. You need to …so you don’t get hurt.”) – Take Why questions seriously. (Questions Children Ask: And How to Answer Them. By Miriam Stoppard ) Miriam Stoppard – If you think child is lagging behind or gifted, have child tested. (Preschool Assessment in VA Bch. )

30 The Fourth Year: Social Development Interested in new experiences Plays “Mom” or “dad” Cooperates/ Interacts with other children; begins friendships Negotiates solutions to problems (Sharing, trading, taking turns) Dresses and Undresses Fantasy play Develops gender role; May be extreme (i.e. girl only wear dresses) * Child will experiment with attitudes and behavior of both sexes and imitate behaviors such as flirting. If worried about a certain behavior, discuss with pediatrician. o Imagines that many unfamiliar images may be monsters o Often can not distinguish between real and fantasy

31 The Fourth Year: Social Development Tools for Fathers: – Play games where child can take turns. – Remind child of simple solutions and use words to deal with conflicts – Model peaceful conflicts (If you have a temper, he/she will mimic you) – If physically aggressive, remove from situation. Determine child’s feeling and why. Make clear child expression was no-good. Have child apologize. – Let your child help with simple chores. – Encourage your child to play with other children – Don’t joke; child may believe you and fear all day. (i.e. leave him if he doesn’t hurry) – Reassure child when frightened by imaginary incident. Don’t belittle. It is part of normal emotional development. – Join fantasy play, but keep your performance low- key. Let him run the play. – Talking and listening shows that his/her opinion matters. – Give simple choices (i.e. between 2-3 food or 2 shirts) – Nurture independence by letting child know that you are the parent and in control but give him some freedom.

32 The Fifth Year: Initiative What are some common characteristics of a child 4-5 year olds? – Out-of- bound behavior – Response getters – More calm and confident – Little sense of property – Vivid imaginations

33 The Fifth Year: Physical Development Coordination, balance, and ability to use hand almost fully Hops, somersaults Swings, climbs Runs ahead of you to show independence. Copies patterns Draws person with body Prints some letters Uses fork, spoon, and sometimes knife Brushes teeth and gets dress with little assistance Tools for Fathers: – Remind child to hold your hand when they cross the street. – Take them to the pool or beach, but never leave their side. Swimming is not yet consistent. – Arts and Crafts: tracing stars and diamonds, painting and finger painting, clay, cutting and pasting, Note: These activities promote skill, creativity, and self-esteem. Thus, Be careful not to direct in one direction. – Build complex structures with blocks.

34 The Fifth Year: Language Development 1,000- 1,500 words Pronounce most sounds, except for f,v,z,s and blends. Recalls stories Speaks in more complex sentences, 5+ Uses future tense Says names and addresses Explores the power of words (likely to use swear words) “I hate you!” = I am angry, and I want you to help me sort out my feelings. Constant chatter Tools for Fathers: – Make conscious effort not to use word, you don’t want child to use. – Child will likely use swear words and other inappropriate words. They probably don’t know what they mean. Don’t over react and correct. – When child says I hate you, remain calm, tell him he does not hate you, and reassure that it is alright to feel angry. – Counteract insult with humor. – Teach address – Teach poems and songs

35 The Fifth Year: Cognitive Development May comprehend: counting, alphabet, size relationship Correctly names at least four colors Knows about things used everyday in home Understands that the day is divided in morning, afternoon, and evening. Self-motivated learning and interests. Asks lots of general, universal questions. (I.e.”Why is the sky blue?”) Tools for Father: – Provide a wide range of learning opportunities: zoo, children’s museums, etc. – Find child’s interest and supply an experiential opportunity in that area. – Read, read, read. – Answer questions, simply and honestly. Rely on children's books to help you answer questions. The library is a great resource. – Don’t force learning, give opportunity.

36 The Fifth Year: Social Development Wants to please friends Wants to be like friends Realizes that there are other values and opinions besides parents, may test this by demanding things never allowed before (I.e. t.v., clothes, etc.) More likely to agree to rules Likes to sing, dance, and act Shows more independence, visits the neighbor by self. Explores good and bad; extremely simplified sense of morality. Obeys rules rigidly. Obeys to avoid punishment. Tools for Fathers: – Take child to the park, playground, or preschool activities to meet and interact with others. – Encourage child in friendship (I.e. suggest e/she invite the friend over.) It’s important to “show off” house, family, and possessions to develop a sense of pride. – Best way to deal with misbehavior: express disapproval, discuss what is really meant or felt, do not emotionally react (it encourages bad behavior). If bad behavior persists, use timeout. – Separate child from behavior. Make sure child understands that he has consequences for his deed, not because he is bad. – Give simple responsibilities and praise child for doing them.

37 Effective Discipline for Preschoolers BehaviorEffectiveConstructive Temper TantrumsWalk awayTalk when calm OverexcitedDistract with other activity. Talk when calm Hitting/ BitingRemove from situation Talk about consequences Not Paying Attention Establish eye contact and hold Lower expectation Refuse to Pick up Toys Don’t let play until job done. Show or help; Praise when done

38 Effective Tools for Establishing Relationship Begin in Infancy and continue until Adulthood: – The Blessing – Special Play Time

39 The Blessing 5 components: – Meaningful Touch – Spoken Word – Communicate High Values – Picture a Special Future – Active Commitment

40 Special Play Time Twenty – thirty minutes daily or weekly A time without interruptions and other people.It should be a convenient time when parent is not distracted. Only you and the child. Call it “special time” so child knows what it is. Let child choose and direct the activity. Time should be consistent and fixed. Use a timer. If child misbehaves, the child should be ignored or given appropriate consequences while time is still going.

41 Ages Five and Six: Physical Development Growth is slow, but steady. Enjoy testing muscle skill and strength: skip, run, dance. Catch small balls. Learn to tie shoelaces Can mange buttons and zippers Enjoy performing physical tricks. Copy designs and shapes. Print their name Skilled at using scissors and small tools (still need supervision)

42 Ages Five and Six: Cognitive and Language Development Ability to speak rapidly. During play, use new words they learn. Can tell left from right Vivid imaginations. Stories seem very real. Attention span is lengthening. Understand time and days of the week. Like riddles and jokes View things black and white, right and wrong (b/d) Reading may become major interest May reverse printed letters Ability to add and subtract Improved ability to distinguish between real and fantasy Fast mapping; 10,000 words – still don’t know all the meanings Greater use of self-discipline in directing attention

43 Ages Five and Six: Social Development Best friend and enemies; cooperation and aggression Playmates of the same sex Plays well in groups, and sometimes alone. Do not like criticism or failure or being ignored Think of themselves more than others Helpful with simple chores Like to take care of younger siblings Good = approval or parents ; bad = disapproval Begin to care about feelings and needs of others Develop a sense of humor, enjoy rhymes, songs, and riddles.

44 Ages Five and Six: Building a Relationship Active play: jump rope, hop scotch, skip, etc. Dance and sing Play tug –of-war Play sorting games and non-competitive games (The ungame) Draw, paste, mold clay Teach basic sewing Encourage children to talk about their feelings while working of a project together. Count things, identify letters and numbers at home or when driving. Read a story out loud and have child dramatize.

45 School Age Toy List Arts and Crafts Musical Instruments Sports equipment Camping equipment Construction sets Electric Trains Bikes (use helmet) Models Board games Skate boards (use helmet)

46 Ages Seven and Eight: Physical Development Larger muscles in arms and legs are more developed than smaller muscles. Inproved jumping, throwing, kicking, and bouncing of the ball. Difference among size and abilities of seven and eight year olds. This will affect how child gets along with others, how they feel about themselves, and what they participate in. Even though they get tired, they do not want to rest. Permanent teeth.

47 Ages Seven and Eight: Cognitive and Language Development Increased ability to remember, pay attention, and express idea Things are black and white; right and wrong “That’s not fair;” often to not accept rules that they do not help make. Learn to plan ahead and evaluate what they do. Concrete operational thinking Develop logic and reversible thinking Increased skills in hierarchical classification/ Like to collect things.

48 Ages Seven and Eight: Social Development Want to do things for themselves and by themselves, yet will ask assistants when needed. Peers identification: have fun together, learn by watching and talking, ban together when problem arises, give support, understand how they feel about themselves Beginning to see things from others point of view, still have trouble Involvement in organized activities Academic, social, and physical self-esteem based on failure and success.

49 Ages Seven and Eight: What They Need From Fathers Guidance, Rules, and Limits Help problem solving Help to express their feelings in an appropriate manner when worried or upset. Need more love, attention, and approval than criticism Confrontation rather than criticism

50 Ages Seven and Eight: Building a Relationship Child learns best by doing. Demonstrate instructions for activities or projects. Projects, games, crafts, and activities that use large and small muscles together. Don’t expect perfection. Encourage cooperation rather than competition. Play games that have both. Collect shells at the beach. Encourage children to talk about feelings. Model how to talk about feelings (I.e. “I” statement; reflective listening)

51 Ages Nine to Twelve: Physical Development Girls usually a year or two ahead of boys Growth spurts Improved coordination, balance, and reaction time Pubertal and hormonal changes Cursive writing Three dimensional drawings

52 Ages Nine to Twelve: Cognitive Development Shows interest in reading fictional stories, magazines, and how- to-do project books Develops special interest / hobby Fantasizes and daydreams about the future Enjoys planning and organizing tasks Product and goal oriented Great intentions, difficulty following through Greater meta cognitive awareness Uses memory strategies in learning Understands metaphors, double meanings, and humor Formal operational thinking Emergence of idealism and critical thinking

53 Ages Nine to Twelve: Social Development Interest in social comparison of self with others Increased interest in competitive sports Shows interest in opposite sex by teasing and showing off Ability to adapt conversation to needs of others May be verbally cruel to peers; “put downs” Belonging is important; likes being a member of clubs Prefers spending time with peer rather than parents Increased moodiness and parent-child conflict Begins to see that parents and authority figures make mistakes Morality based on external qualities; sees things as right and wrong, with no room for difference of opinion Emergence of faith and spirituality

54 Ages Nine to Twelve: Hobbies Arts and crafts/ carpentry Musical Instruments Sports Bikes Models Board games such as monopoly and chess Skates/ Skate boards

55 Ages Nine to Twelve: Building a Relationship Provide opportunities for child to help out with real skills. Cook dinner together or change to oil in the car. Play games of strategy: checkers, chess, monopoly. Have parties at your home. Encourage child to call friends from school and participate in organized groups. Provide time and space for child to be alone- read, daydream, journal, or do home work uninterrupted. Give child some responsibility, but do not burden them with too many adult responsibilities. Note: Be prepared to use all your “patience” skills as your child may tend to think that he or she does not need adult care or supervision.

56 School Aged Children: Discipline or Punishment Punishment = automatic reaction that has limited usefulness in changing child’s behavior Discipline = “to teach” child self-discipline

57 School Aged Children: Discipline Limits Choices Consequences Behavioral Charts/ Contracting

58 School Aged Children: Building a Relationship Praise – Simple – Sincere – Specific Boost Self-Esteem Effective Communication – I statement – Reflective listening Family meetings

59 Helping Your School Aged Son or Daughter Succeed Pg. 177

60 Adolescents : General Character tics 1. Testing limits “Know it all.” 2. Vulnerable, emotionally insecure, fear of rejection, mood swings. 3. Identification with admired adult. 4. Bodies are going through physical changes that affect personal appearance. 5. Forming identity: Who Am I?

61 Adolescents: Physical Development 1. Small muscle coordination is good, and interest in arts, crafts, models, and music are popular. 2. Bone growth is not yet complete. 3. Early maturers may be upset with their size. 4. Are very concerned about their appearance. 5. Diet and sleep habits can be bad, which may result in low energy levels. 6. Girls may begin menstruation.

62 Adolescents: Cognitive Development 1. Tend to be perfectionists. 2. Want more independence, but need guidance and support. 3. Attention span can be lengthy.

63 Adolescents: Social Development 1. Being accepted by friends becomes quite important. 2. Cliques start to develop outside of school. 3. Team games become popular. 4. Crushes on members of the opposite sex are common. 5. Friends set the general rule of behavior. 6. Feel a real need to conform. They dress and behave in order to belong. 7. Are very concerned about what others say and think of them. 1. Have a tendency to manipulate. 2. Interested in earning own money. 3. Are very sensitive to praise and recognition. Feelings are hurt easily. 4. Caught between being a child and being an adult. 5. Loud behavior hides their lack of self confidence. 6. Look at the world more objectively, adults subjectively, critical.

64 Adolescents: 10 Things Teens Want in their Parents ( Understanding Today’s Youth Culture, Walt Mueller) Don’t argue in front of them Treat each family member the same Honesty Tolerant of others Welcome their friends in their home Build a team spirit among their children Answer their questions Give punishment when needed, but not in front of others, especially friends Concentrate on strengths instead of weaknesses Consistency

65 Seven Things Teens Cry For (Gallup”Cries of Teen” Survey) Trust (92.7%) Love (92.2 %) Security (92.1%) Purpose (91.6 %) To be Heard/ Listened To (91.5%) To be Valued / Appreciated (88.25) Support (87.4 %)

66 Answering the Cry of Teens Trust: Teens think: I spend time with those I trust. – Activities: Pick place on map (w/in 20 miles) and explore; Go to Music store and listen to CDS. Watch a popular Teen flick; try a new hobby or sport together; Go to a nice restaurant. Love: Write an e-mail offering love and praise, hug, schedule one-on one time, make an effort in their activities (Picking them up at school, taking them shopping), Identify their love langue Security: S.T.A.B.I.L.I.T.Y. (Share, Time, Assure, Balance, Inform, Listen, Initiate, Touch, You) ; be there emotionally and physically

67 Answering the Cry of Teens Purpose: Share spirituality, mentor, do community service together Heard: Schedule connect-time at hang-out; listen To Be Valued: verbally express worth; Pay Attention; Rites of Passage; The Blessing Support:Connection (be there); Direction (Advise when asked); Motivation (motivate to do); Lett go (Give Freedoms)

68 Adolescents: Activities They Enjoy Eat breakfast at McDonalds Skating Attend a Hockey game Play basketball Visit a museum Take art lessons Go hiking Play a board or card game Play video games Ride bikes Shop for cars Design a web site Go shopping Go bowling Try a new hobby together Rent a movie Eat at a restaurant Go to the music store and listen to CDs Get out your year book and talk with your teen about being a teen. Host a get together for friends

69 Adolescents: Simple Ways to Say “You are Special” More than anything eles, an adolescents needs their parent’s affirmation. “I delight in you!” Pay attention! Show Up! Be available when you are home! Really Listen and help teens talk – Eye contact – Ask questions that elicit conversation – Share own experiences – Reassure teen that they can talk with you – Listen for signals Share your values by example

70 5 Ways to Frustrate Your Adolescent Judge by appearance or by what media presents Sarcasm and put-downs Expecting teen to act like an adult because they look like an adult. Minimizing Feelings Assuming that what worked before ( as children)n will work now.

71 Adolescents:Making Discipline Work “Parents continue to treat their adolescents like they’re still children, which often doesn’t work. Then the parents wonder, ‘What happened?’” – Dr. Hofmann, a pediatrician The basic aspects of nurturing and raising teens are the same as when they are little. Teens need love and support, but also discipline and limits. Adolescents, so intent on asserting their independence, tend to see themselves tyrannized by rules. Parents need to remember two things: – Consistency is the key to discipline – Not all rules are equally as important, and parents may need to bend

72 Adolescents: Making Discipline Work Establish boundaries/limits that communicate respect: – Spell out desire; be specific – Then specify positive consequence for compliance – And negative consequence for noncompliance – Rights and responsibilities are subject to change. Good judgment = increased freedom and responsibility. – Be reasonable and achievable Consequences – Actively ignoring – Disapproval – Imposing additional responsibility – Imposing additional restriction

73 Adolescents: General Rules of Administering Discipline Never punish when you are angry. Never impose a penalty you are not prepared to carry out. Short-term consequences work best (hours or days depending on severity of crime) Don’t use guilt. Help adolescent learn from their mistake. Impose consistent discipline

74 Adolescents: Restoring Peace in Conflict and Anger Time-out for dad- gain composure; don’t loose temper Use “I” statement to reflects your feelings If you make an accusation, be specific (I.e.David, you forgot..” Not:”You never..) Explain why the behavior makes you upset or angry. Don’t bring up past events. Don't belittle feelings. Ask teens solution to the problem (Remember: Your goal is not to win, but to resolve conflict) You’re wrong? Admit it.

75 Adolescents: No Hitting Below the Belt Don’t overgeneralize, using “always” “never” Don’t give the silent treatment Don’t resort to name-calling and put-downs Don’t presume that you know what the other person is feeling Don’t assume the other person should know what you are thinking or feeling Don’t play the tit for tat game, respond to a complaint with a complaint

76 Great Web Sites

77 Great Books How to Keep Your Teenager Out of Trouble and What To Do If You Can’t by Bernstein Surviving your Adolescents by Phelan The Seven Cries of Today’s Teen by Smith Positive Discipline for Single Parents by Nelsen, Erwin, and Delzer Positive Discipline A to Z by Nelsen, Lott, and Glenn The Power of positive Talk: Words to help Every Child Succeed by Bloch Boundaries with children by Townsend and Cloud The Blessing by Smalley and Trent

78 References National Network for Child Care-NNCC. Nuttall, P. (1999). Family day care fact Sheet series. Amherst, MA: University of Massachusetts. Schor, E. (1999)The complete and authoritative guide to caring for your school-age child. New York, New York: Bantam Book. Schor, E. (1999)The complete and authoritative guide to caring for your baby and young child. New York, New York: Bantam Book. Schor, E. (1999)The complete and authoritative guide to caring for your adolescent. New York, New York: Bantam Book.

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