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Two principles of assertion You don’t get what you don’t get ask for You get a lot of what you do ask for Source: Andrew Gibbons.

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Presentation on theme: "Two principles of assertion You don’t get what you don’t get ask for You get a lot of what you do ask for Source: Andrew Gibbons."— Presentation transcript:

1 Two principles of assertion You don’t get what you don’t get ask for You get a lot of what you do ask for Source: Andrew Gibbons

2 Three fundamental rules for handling people Don’t criticise, condemn or complain Give honest, sincere appreciation Arouse in the other person an eager want Source: Dale Carnegie

3 Three aspects of conflict management Outcome What do you want from this? Process How do you want to work? Emotions How do you want to feel?

4 Three levels of listening The head level - thoughts The heart level - emotions and feelings The hands level - the will to take action Source: Bowerman and Collins

5 Three behaviour types Aggressive Assertive Passive How do they differ to each other?

6 Three factors affected by perception Attention Interpretation Retention...of information

7 Three Vs of behaviour Visual See the message Verbal Think about the content Vocal Listen to what is said and how

8 Four emotional realities Other people cannot... Anger you...you make yourself mad Depress you...you make yourself sad Offend you...you take offence Hurt your feelings...your thoughts about the situation create your own bad feelings

9 Achieving outcomes know what outcome you seek Sensory awareness have sufficient understanding to know if you are moving towards or away from your intended outcome Flexibility of behaviour the ability to vary your behaviour until you achieve your outcome Take action now having a sense timing and urgency Source: Alan Chapman Four NLP principles

10 Four rules of praise Be specific - for what exactly? Be direct - from you, face to face Say it first - don’t wait for a prompt Do it often - overcome the awkwardness Praise don’t patronise

11 Four steps to negotiation Start with the end in mind Help them prepare too - no surprises Seek and build alignment of interests Send one message - be organised From: Danny Ertel

12 Four personality types Anxious introverts Stable extroverts Anxious introverts Stable introverts

13 Four ways not to persuade Too much in your face hard sell pushing Resistance to compromise - digging in Over-relying on your great presentation Seeing it as a one hit event not a process Source: Jay Conger

14 Four skills and behaviours around emotional intelligence Regard A sense of self-regard, views others with respect Awareness Of self and others Self-management Control of personal power, and emotional resilience Relationship-management Trusts others, balanced outlook, handles conflict, can express and control emotions Source: Howard Gardner

15 Four ways to become an interpersonal STAR You need: S ensitivity T olerance A ssertion R estraint

16 Four emotional characteristics of the highest performers Competitive drive Achieve mentality Teachability Wit Source: Mitch Anthony

17 Four ways to persuade Quickly establish credibility Frame your position on common ground Provide evidence supporting your wants Connect at an emotional level Source: Jay Conger Source: Butz & Goodstein Source: Butz & Goodstein

18 Four dilemmas for negotiators Conceding or Being stubborn Be jovial or Hostility Bending or Domineering Uncommitted or Undercommitted Source: W Masterbrook

19 Four categories from which we choose our behaviour Automatic behaviour Habits or comfortable ways of doing things A back up repertoire That we turn to when our automatic behaviours are not working to achieve the results we need A creative zone Our ability to come up with something new from behaviours we already have A new learning capability The ability to learn new behaviours

20 Four stages of negotiation Prepare Assess objectives - yours and theirs Decide on areas of possible flexibility Plan approach and sequence of events Discuss Exchange positions and issues Create a positive working climate Listen carefully and question thoroughly Propose Specify what you want Seek compromise - get a win/win if possible Bargain Ask for what you want - modify if you need Don’t concede without trading

21 Five global factors derived from the primary factors of the sixteen PF test Extraversion Anxiety Tough-mindedness Independence Self-control Source: Raymond Cattell

22 Five ways to get past ‘no’ Don’t react, go to the balcony Disarm them: go to their side Change the game: don’t reject…reframe Make it easy to say yes, build a golden bridge Make it hard to say no, bring them to their senses not their knees Source: William Ury

23 Five ways to handle conflict Competing assertive and unco-operative Collaborating assertive and co-operative Avoiding unassertive and unco-operative Accommodating unassertive and co-operative Compromising mid-point on both dimensions Source: Robert Blake

24 Five ‘C’s of negotiation Capitulation give in…bad idea Coercion force a short term ‘solution’ Compromise bargain and trade to agreement Concession give ground very deliberately Consensus total harmony of opinion Source: Andrew Gibbons

25 Five factors around power and influence Technical competence Credibility Trust and honesty Interpersonal skills Drive, energy and enthusiasm Source: Mike Phipps

26 Five realms of emotional intelligence Self-awareness Managing emotions Motivation Empathy Managing relationships Source: Peter Salovey

27 Five principles of good speaking Be… Prepared Clear Simple Vivid Natural

28 Five parts to the ARROW emotional skills model A Awareness RRestraint RResilience OOthers (empathy) WWorking with others (building rapport) Source: Mitch Anthony

29 Six types of assertion Basic Empathetic Consequence Negative feelings Discrepancy Responsive Source: Ken and Kate Back

30 Six ways to make people like you Become genuinely interested in other people Smile Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound Be a good listener, encourage others to talk about themselves Talk in terms of the other person’s interests Make the other person feel important, and do it sincerely Source: Dale Carnegie Source: Butz & Goodstein Source: Butz & Goodstein

31 Six principles of behaviour All behaviour is motivated Behaviour breeds behaviour You can choose your behaviour Perception is reality The only behaviour you can change is your own Behaviour is situational

32 Six parts to a BATNA: B est A lternative T o N egotiated A greement Source: Ury and Fisher

33 Six sources of POWER Authority Reward Punishment Expertise Relationships Association Source: Mike Phipps

34 Six parts to the POTASH model of negotiation P lanning O pening T esting out A djusting S haping H andshaking

35 Six parts to the LISTEN model L ooking interested Inquiring with questions Sstaying on target Testing understanding Evaluating the message Neutralising your feelings

36 Six mistakes in negotiation Neglecting the other side’s interests Letting price bulldoze other interests Searching too hard for common ground Letting positions drive out interests Neglecting BATNAs Not recognising your own partiality Source: James Sibenius

37 Six levels of listening Passive listening Responsive, or pretend listening Selective listening Attentive listening Active listening Empathetic listening Source: Erik J Van Slyke

38 Six ways to manage your emotions Be aware of your emotions Accept and own your emotions Investigate and explore your emotions Make known your emotions Integrate your emotions with your intellect and will Adjust, modify and use your emotions positively From: Myron Chartier Source: Butz & Goodstein Source: Butz & Goodstein

39 Six skills for interpersonal effectiveness Reporting and giving positives Listening actively - following and reflecting Confronting constructively and respectfully Mutual problem solving - turning conflict into co- operation Unsolicited consulting - influencing those who have not sought your advice Solicited consulting - responding effectively to those who want your advice Source: Helen Clinnard

40 The SIMPLE feedback model S ensitive Issue related Meaningful Prompt Listen Eeasy to understand Source: Lynda Ford

41 The RECIPE model for understanding personality differences Responsibility Eexperience Confidence I‘I’ language Process review Equality of opportunity Source: Ray Mahoney

42 Seven types of power Referral association Ownership possession Expertise competence Charisma charm, interest, persuasion Time use it when you have it Information what you know Coercion willingness to be hostile Source: Business Buffet

43 Seven reasons we interrupt Ignorance - plain bad manners Can’t hold back - dis/like of what is being said Fear of forgetting response Poor timing - thinking other person had finished Desire to end conversation and do something else Duration and/or content - bored Manner of, or feelings about the speaker Source: Andrew Gibbons

44 Seven rules for giving feedback Courage Skill Self-confidence Sensitivity Interest and respect The right motives Credibility

45 Seven sources of conflict Clash of goals and ideologies Divergence of formal objectives Unclear contractual relationships Simultaneous or divergent, uncomplementary roles Concealed objectives or agendas Territorial violation or jealousy Overcrowding From: Handy and Ardrey

46 Eight pros and cons of conflict Clears the air Introduces new rules Modifies goals Clarifies positions On the other hand… Waste of time and energy Emotional stress and organisational stress Risks Worsened relations

47 Eight issues in criticising constructively Your personal credibility with the other/s Be specific about the reason to be critical Have the right motives - why are you doing this? Give support and encouragement Choose the time and place with care Anticipate retaliation Give feedback on behaviour - don’t make judgements Get commitment to the agreed changed behaviour Source: Andrew Gibbons

48 Eight things negotiators can do... Say ‘no’ effectively Inspire confidence Be ingenious ‘Take it’ without negative reactions Be a patient listener Have a sense of humour See the wider context - the wider picture Articulate complex issues clearly and concisely From: Bruce Morse Source: Butz & Goodstein Source: Butz & Goodstein

49 Eight keys to negotiation Offer incentives - create a need and a want Put a price on the status quo Seed ideas early - build on these Reframe if you need - keep it flexible Build consensus - seek common ground Help others save face Keep the dialogue going Look for new perspectives - be creative From D Kolb and J Williams Source: Butz & Goodstein Source: Butz & Goodstein

50 Nine tips for negotiators Have an alternative - negotiate with freedom of choice Negotiate when you have an agreement in principle Aim high, first positions set limits on best possible outcomes Let the other party state their case and wants first List and clarify what the others want before you get started Bargain and trade - don’t just give anything away Keep the whole picture in mind throughout Be alert for variable and new issues throughout the process Keep accurate notes and summarise progress continuously Source: Alan Chapman

51 Ten golden rules for giving feedback Give feedback on observed behaviour not perceived attitudes Describe what you saw and felt, don’t make judgements Focus on behaviour that can be changed Select and stick to the most important issues Ask questions rather than make statements Set ground rules in advance Comment on positive issues not just the negative Stick to specific behaviour, don’t waffle vaguely Observe everyone’s personal limits Before offering feedback, consider its value to the receiver Source: Wood and Scott

52 Ten ‘right’s as a person I have a right to: Be treated with respect as an equal person Define my needs and ask reasonably for what I want and need Define my own limits and to say ‘no’ Express my feelings and opinions Make my own decisions and to change my mind Seek clarification and understanding if something is not clear Make mistakes without feeling guilty or made to look foolish Hold my own set of values Be listened to when I speak Refuse to take inappropriate responsibility for other’s issues

53 Ten tips for giving personal feedback Be specific, refer to observed actual events Be constructive, focus on ways forward and lessons learned Avoid abstract comments about personality and attitudes Don’t try and do too much, be realistic with what is possible Encourage the other person to self appraise Never get drawn into an argument or dispute Don’t become an amateur psychologist, and over-advise If change is needed, explain why, and help with action plans Be prepared to change your own approach and views Remain interested and available for further advice Source: Alan Fowler

54 The best negotiators do this: Spend the time it takes to prepare really well Test understanding and summarise a lot Ask many questions to clarify and explore Give ‘internal’ information Flag up behaviour - unless disagreeing Avoid ‘irritators’ Never make immediate counter-proposals Don’t get into defend/attack spirals Work through one issue at a time Recognise and emphasise common ground Assess their performance thoroughly Source: Andrew Gibbons

55 Eleven behaviour analysis categories Proposing Building Supporting Disagreeing Defending/attacking Testing understanding Summarising Seeking information Giving information Bringing in Shutting out Source: Neil Rackham and others

56 Twelve ways to win people to your way of thinking The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it Show respect for the other person’s opinions If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically Begin in a friendly way Get the other person saying ‘yes yes’ immediately Let the other person do a great deal of the talking Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires Appeal to the nobler motives Dramatise your ideas Throw down a challenge Source: Dale Carnegie

57 Bale’s twelve behavioural classifications Positive reactions Shows solidarity Shows tension release Shows agreement Problem solving Gives suggestions attempts Gives opinion Asks for information Asks for opinion Asks for suggestions Negative reactions Shows disagreement Shows tension Shows antagonism Source: Bales

58 Thirteen key issues around Negotiation People Objectives Principles Timing Bargaining/trading Movement Authority Control Convergence/divergence BATNAs Skills Leverage History and aftermath Source: Andrew Gibbons

59 Sixteen personality factors within the 16 PF Warmth Reasoning Emotional stability Dominance Liveliness Rule-consciousness Social boldness Sensitivity Vigilance Abstractness Privateness Apprehension Openness to change Self-reliance Perfectionism Tension Source: Raymond Cattell

60 A classic presentation structure “Tell ‘em what you’ll tell ‘em …tell ‘em… …tell ‘em what you told ‘em” Sam Goldwyn

61 Ann Smith “Don’t become like the people you criticise” Ann Smith


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