Presentation on theme: "Dealing with Difficult People"— Presentation transcript:
1Dealing with Difficult People WelcomeInstructions: (p.1 in workbook)1. Instruct participants to think of a person they have difficulty working with and list specific characteristics of that person on a piece of paper.2. After three minutes, have participants think of a person they like to work with and have them list characteristics of that person.• What characteristics did you list regarding the person you like working with?• What are some of the characteristics you listed regarding the person you dislike working with?• Do you think it’s fair to say that it’s easier to work with certain types of people than others? Why?• If you now understand the type of person with which you have difficulty working, do you think you could use that information to communicate more effectively?4. Conclude this exercise by stating, “Today we are going to discuss different behavioral styles, and in some cases, we may not work as well with some styles as we do with others. By understanding the different styles, however, we can adapt our own style to communicate more effectively.Dealing with Difficult People
2Choices When Dealing with People Communication SkillsChoices When Dealing with PeopleStay and do nothingLeaveChange your attitudeChange your behaviorYou have 4 choices when dealing with peopleStay and do nothing, which is the choice many make, and it may not be a bad choiceLeave, especially when your values have been violated or the pain outweighs the gainChange your attitudeChange your (not their!) behaviorTakes work & a very intentional effort on your part
3Principles of Effective Communication Communication SkillsPrinciples of Effective CommunicationHave a directionPay attention to the pattern of the communicationBe flexibleCommit to a solutionCommunication with physicians, co-workers etc can be one of the most challenging parts of your workday. At one time or another, we’ve had to maintain a conversation with someone who is defensive, a poor listener, or a discussion dominator.Essential communication skills will increase our effectiveness in dealing with the difficult person.Going into a difficult conversation:There are 4 principles of effective communicationHave a direction (know what you want, not just what you don’t want)Pay attention to the pattern of the communicationBe flexible - you may need to change your approach as the conversation unfolds – based on their response (defensiveness, blaming, attacking, withdrawal, etc)Commit to a solution with them. You need commitment when dealing with a difficult person.
4Influence Others and Maximize Results The Platinum Rule“Do unto others as they want to bedone unto.”The key to being a more effective communicator is learning and following “The Platinum Rule—“Do unto others as they want to be done unto.”By knowing your style and being able to identify the style of others, you can adapt your style to communicate more successfully. To deal with difficult people, you must analyze how you behave with other people and how they behave with others.
5Identify Your Communication Style and Understand Others Task FocusedGet It RightGet It DonePassiveAggressiveThis is a simple model to illustrate 4 basic communication styles.You must identify relative levels of assertiveness and task vs. people focus.The horizontal arrow displays a range of in the level of assertiveness that an individual displays. A person at the extreme left is considered passive (introverted) and a person at the far right is considered aggressive (extroverted).A vertical arrow indicates a range in the tendency of people to be either focused on tasks or focused on people. A person at the top is extremely task-focused and a person at the bottom is extremely people-oriented.Each of the four quadrants describes an “intent” that strongly influences people’s behavior toGet It Done – Task efficiency, short & to the point, “Cliff or Sparks Notes” version (rulers, directors, drivers)Get It Right – detail, analytical, process (analyzers, thinkers)Get Appreciated – great motivators, want to be acknowledged and are relational (entertainers, socializers, persuaders, expressives)Get Along – don’t care about you get from point “A” to “B” as long as everyone is happy (relators, supporters, enablers)There is a large zone of normal, reasonable behavior in each quadrant. Who has taken the Emotional Intelligence class? In that class studies have shown that Emotional Intelligence is a predictor of success. In this model, the closer to the middle you are – the higher your EQ is. When a person’s behavior goes outside the reasonable zone, challenges arise.Going back to the Platinum Rule – “treat people how they want to be treated” – if you were sending an you might consider:Get It Done - bullet pointsGet It Right – expand on discussion points to explain logic, process, background thinkingGet Appreciated - Note an accomplishment or strength to tie in with informationGet Along – don’t send with dot points – think you’re mad at them. Be sure to include a little personal noteGet AlongGet AppreciatedPeople Focused
6Identify Your Communication Type Table ActivityIdentify Your Communication TypeIdentify 2 strengths of that styleIdentify 2 weaknesses of that styleBe prepared to report out in 10 minActivity: Round robin discussion on what category you fall in. Discuss pros & cons of that communication style(Get It Done, Get It Right, Get Appreciated or Get Along)Let’s explore the 4 different styles and what happens when the behavior goes outside of the “Normal Zone”
7“Get It Done” Behavior Characteristics Focus on tasks Intend to “get it done”Focused, direct, bluntCommunicate directly & to the pointBehavior Characteristics of Get It Done peopleFocus on tasksIntend to “get it done”Focused, direct, bluntCommunicate directly & to the point
8“Get It Done” Strengths Decisive Get Things Done Confident Ask Group first then reveal answers:Strengths of Get It Done peopleDecisiveGet Things DoneConfident
9“Get It Done” Weaknesses Intimidate Alienate people Use force instead of cooperationAsk Group first then reveal answers:WeaknessesIntimidates Alienates People Use force instead of cooperationMisperceptions: Could be the force of their personality that intimidates. They are passionate and confident. They need to work on being more “People-oriented”
10When under pressure, “Get It Done” people tend to Raise their voiceBully & take pot shots at othersBehave arrogantlyRead slide
11“Get It Done” Don'ts Spend too much time on one issue Come in unpreparedSit “on the fence” (“No” is acceptable)Show a lack of focusIneffective Behaviors for dealing with “Get It Done” people”Spend too much time on one issueCome in unpreparedSit “on the fence” (“No” is acceptable)Show a lack of focus – don’t go off on tangents
12“Get It Done” Do’s Get to the point Businesslike approach Be task-orientedUnderstand and support their goalsEffective Behaviors when dealing with a Get It Done personGet to the point“To move us both closer to our goals, I’m proposing that we_____.”Be businesslike“To accomplish this would require that we ____.” (Be specific about your needs, and back it up with facts).Be task-oriented“I believe that we can meet your goal of ________and my goal of ______ by _____ (date) if we follow this plan. Now to continue with what I was saying.”Understand and support their goals“Emily, I understand that your goal for this issue is______, and I support you on____.” (Find a point of agreement to build upon) Give an aggressive person an alternative to direct conflict; Give them an out….and the last word!
13Dealing with EXTREME “Get It Done” Behavior TANKSThis is an example of an extreme Get It Done behavior – (link in title EXTREME) show clip of Bobby Knight throwing chairA. Tanks‘Get It Done, Tank People” are motivated by an intense need to get things done and are extremely task-oriented. When obstacles get in the way, they resort to an attack-mode. Many times the attacks are not personal – you just happen to be in the line of fire
14Dealing with Extreme “Get It Done” Behavior Best Ways to CommunicateStand your ground: Hold your positionTanks don’t stop for those theydon’t respectMight need to state “Excuse me I haven’t finished” to interrupt the interruptionsBe calm until tirade runs downFocus on the bottom line – look at the underlying problemOffer peace with honorBest ways to communicate with a Get It Done Tank include:Stand your ground – hold your position.Tanks don’t stop for those they don’t respect.Might need to state “Excuse me I haven’t finished” to interrupt the interruptionsBe calm until tirade runs downFocus on the bottom line – look at the underlying problemOffer peace with honor - Give an aggressive person an alternative to direct conflict; Give them an out….and the last word!
15Dealing with Extreme “Get It Done” Behavior KNOW-IT-ALLSC. Know-It-Alls“Get-It- Done, Know-It-Alls” are highly competent and knowledgeable people – they do know their stuff. They are assertive and excel in presenting their viewpoints.Since they are driven to “get it done” they tend to be extremely controlling and demonstrate minimal tolerance for correction and differences in opinions.Their way is the right way – end of story.
16Dealing with Extreme “Get It Done” Behavior Best Ways to CommunicateKnow your stuff – be prepared if possibleNeed to open your mind to new ideas with themBacktrack with respectPresent alternative viewpoints indirectly – plant seeds since you can’t tell them what to doDirect the “Know-It-All” into a mentoring opportunityBest ways to communicate with a Get It Done Know-It–All includeKnow your stuff – be prepared if possibleNeed to open your mind to new ideas with them – they know their stuff!Backtrack with respectPresent alternative viewpoints indirectly – plant seeds since you can’t tell them what to doDirect the “Know-It-All” into a mentoring opportunity – place them in an situation where their knowledge & expertise will be appreciated and respected
17“Get It Right” Behavior Characteristics Focus on tasks Intend to “get it right”Pay attention to details, think systematicallyNeed to be correctCommunicate indirectly and detailedGet It Right PeopleBehavior CharacteristicsFocus on tasksIntend to “get it right”Pay attention to details, thinks systematicallyNeed to be correctCommunicate indirectly and detailed
18“Get It Right” Strengths Accurate Fact finder Precise Organized Solicit Group’s feedback 1st then discuss:StrengthsAccurate Fact finder Precise Organized
19“Get It Right” Weaknesses Stubborn Boring Unimaginative Change Stifler Solicit Group’s feedback 1st then discuss:WeaknessesStubborn Boring Unimaginative Change StiflerIs there a “right” way to place the toilet paper roll? For “Get It Right” people the answer is “Yes”!! Has to come over the top (or visa versa). It’s not the same as neatness.
20“Get It Right” people tend to When Under Pressure(i.e. when not feeling like they are getting it right)“Get It Right” people tend toBecome silentFlee or withdrawExhibit negative behaviorWhen under pressure (i.e. when not feeling like they are getting it right), “Get It Right” people tend toBecome silentFlee or withdrawExhibit negative behavior
21“Get It Right” Don’ts Do’s Show lack of attention to detail Be inconsistentBe disorganizedBe overly emotionalDo’sKnow your stuffSchedule time – make an appointmentUse facts, logic, structureProceed step-by-stepDon’ts - Ineffective Behaviors for dealing with “Get It Right” peopleShow lack of attention to detailBe inconsistentBe disorganizedBe overly emotionalDo’s - Effective Behaviors in dealing with “Get It Right” peopleKnow your stuff – research your recommendations carefully. Get it Right people are often subject experts and to deal on their level you need to earn their respectSchedule time – make an appointmentUse facts, logic, structureProceed step-by-step – John I’d like to explain to you how I came up with this information, First I _____
22Dealing with Extreme “Get It Right” Behavior NO PEOPLEVideo clip: Big Bang perfectionistNo People“Get It Right, No People” are task-oriented and extremely motivated to “get it right” by avoiding any mistakes. Negativity rears its head when others prevent perfection. Many times they unintentionally say and respond in ways that squelch hope and creativity in others.
23Dealing with Extreme “Get It Right” Behavior Best Ways to CommunicateLet them voice concerns and use them as a resourceClarify to reduce generalizationsBest ways to communicate with Get It Right, No People include:Let them voice concerns and use them as a resourceBacktrack to address their concerns. i.e. “John you’re right about _____. According to ____ (cite your source), my proposal takes your concern into consideration by ____ (explain how your plan addresses the Get It Right person’s concern).Clarify to reduce generalizationsSome things to say……“I’d like to know what you fear? I’d like to know what your fear is?”“It’s been a year since he’s had any problem. What is the current worry?”“Would you be willing to compromise?”
24Dealing with Extreme “Get It Right” Behavior COMPLAINERS“Get It Right, Complainer People” have an insatiable need to “get it right.” When perfection is not achieved, they verbalize their frustration with what’s wrong by complaining. Generally, they are not equipped to offer suggestions to correct the problem or deal effectively with what they do not like.
25Dealing with Extreme “Get It Right” Behavior Best Ways to CommunicateListen carefully to their areas for concernDirect efforts toward a solutionMove them into the “problem-solving” mode step-by-stepProvide information that answers “who, what, where, why and how”Best ways to communicate with “Get It Right, Complainers” :Listen carefully to their areas for concernDirect efforts toward a solutionMove them into the “problem-solving” mode step-by-stepProvide information that answers “who, what, where, why and how”Some things to say…..“Bring me a solution to this problem.”“Let me make sure I understand your problem….(paraphrase).”“Let’s come up with a plan.”“What would you like to get out of this discussion? What do you want to walk away with?”
26“Get Appreciated” Behavior Characteristics Focus on people Intend to “get appreciated”Display creativity, warmth, charisma, and energyCommunicate directly and elaboratelyGet Appreciated PeopleBehavior Characteristics:Focus on peopleIntend to “get appreciated”Display creativity, warmth, charisma, and energyCommunicate directly and elaborately
27“Get Appreciated” Strengths Weaknesses People-oriented Persuasive Verbal skillsOptimisticWeaknessesEgotisticalLack follow throughFlakeyDisorganizedStrengths (Solicit Group’s feedback 1st)People-oriented Persuasive Verbal skills OptimisticWeaknesses (Solicit Group’s feedback 1st)EgotisticalLack follow through - Big picture peopleFlakey - “Pie in the sky” perceptionDisorganized - Big picture, Easily distracted
28“Get Appreciated” When “Under Pressure” Talk more loudly and quickly Throw tantrumsExaggerateWhen under pressure, “Get Appreciated” people tend toTalk more loudly and quicklyThrow tantrumsExaggerate
29“Get Appreciated” Don’ts Be rigid in thinking (these are free spirits!)Show a lack of challengeGive too many detailsFollow the rules blindlyIneffective Behaviors for dealing with “Get Appreciated” people”Rigid thinking (these are free spirits!)Lack of challengeToo many detailsFollow the rules blindly
30“Get Appreciated” Do’s Allow flexibility Be enthusiastic Let them talk Use demonstrations (visual people)Effective Behaviors for dealing with “Get Appreciated” people”Be flexible - Choose a time when the Get Appreciated person is relaxed and open to discussion.Be enthusiastic - Remember, these individuals seek appreciation. Begin your conversation with a sincere statement about something they do that you like “Jane, I want you to know how much it means to me that you _____.” Then, when they’re feeling appreciated, describe the problem behavior that you’ve observed. “I also notice that when ______ happens, you get very upset.”Let them talk - By now your Get Appreciated person should be feeling appreciated and open to sharing thoughts with you. Make this person feel even more understood by backtracking and clarifying. Let your Get Appreciated person “vent” until the story begins to repeat itself.Use demonstrations (visual people) - Remember, Get Appreciated people like drama. While discussing possible solutions to avoid situations that will cause this individual to feel unappreciated, use demonstrations and examples that will make the discussion more “real.” For example, start this part of your conversation with something like, “Let’s imagine that you are starting to feel upset because someone hasn’t appreciated your efforts…”
31Dealing with Extreme “Get Appreciated” Behavior THINK THEY KNOW-IT-ALL PEOPLEVideo clip: “The Office” – Michael Scott, the boss, is describing his leadership – drama and self aggrandizingThink They Know- It-All People“Get Appreciated Think–They-Know-It -All People” have a ravenous desire to be appreciated. These individuals are aggressive and extremely people-focused. They use others as their source of attention and appreciation. This behavior frequently turns people off and the result is even less appreciation.Generally don’t know what they are talking about.
32Dealing with Extreme “Get Appreciated” Behavior Best Ways to CommunicateAsk for specificsTell it like it isGive credit when dueGive them an outUse third-party documentationBest ways to communicate with “Get Appreciated Think–They-Know-It -All People” include: (Give their bad thinking the “hook”)Ask for specificsTell it like it isGive credit when dueGive them an outUse third-party documentation
33“Get Along” Behavior Characteristics Focus on people Intend to “get along”Behave in an agreeable, personable, friendly, caring and helpful mannerNeed to be likedCommunicate indirectly and consideratelyBehavior CharacteristicsFocus on peopleIntend to “get along”Behave in an agreeable, personable, friendly, caring and helpful mannerNeed to be likedCommunicate indirectly and considerately
34“Get Along” Strengths Weaknesses Likeable Loyal Team Player Patient IndecisiveWaste TimeOverly EmotionalIllogical DecisionsStrengths (Solicit Group’s feedback 1st)Likeable Loyal Team Player PatientWeaknesses (Solicit Group’s feedback 1st)Indecisive - may know what to do but don’t want to hurt someone’s feelingsWasted TimeOverly EmotionalIllogical decisions – Based on “How is everyone going to feel about this?”Warm & comforting like a “fire on a cold night”
35“Get Along” When “Under Pressure” Submit Accommodate Exhibit passive-aggressive behaviorWhen under pressure, “Get Along” people tend toSubmitAccommodateExhibit passive-aggressive behavior
36“Get Along” Don’ts Ignore feelings Force a decision Be too intense or formalThreatenFail to recognize the “people” aspectIneffective Behaviors for dealing with “Get Along” people”Ignore feelingsForce a decisionBe too intense or formalThreatenFail to recognize the “people” aspect
37“Get Along” Do’s Be casual and sincere Slow down and listen Make honesty safeSet goalsBuild it up – strengthen the relationshipEffective Behaviors for dealing with “Get Along” people”Be casual and sincere - Reinforce your interest in getting along with this individual. “Robert, I really enjoy _____ with you, and because of that, I’m hoping we can find a way to make this happen more smoothly.”Slow down and listen - Give your Get Along person a chance to tell how they’re feeling about the issue. Ask clarifying questions until you understand their perspective well.Make honesty safe (it’s all about the relationship) - Be open and patient. “Our relationship is important to me. I really want to hear what you think about this issue, good or bad.”Set goals - Work with your Get Along person to set goals that will improve the relationship. “Based on what you’re telling me, it sounds like what we need to do is ______. How does that sound to you?” Once you’ve decided on something mutually acceptable, confirm and reconfirm.Build it up – strengthen the relationship. Reinforce to your Get Along person how important it is to you that you both continue to get along. “It sounds like this may work better for both of us, and I’m so glad. It’s really important to me that we _____ well together.”
38Dealing with Extreme “Get Along” Behavior “YES” PEOPLEVideo clip: “When I grow up” commercial (I want to underachieve)A. Yes People“Get Along Yes People” have an extremely high desire to “get along” with others. “Get Along Yes People” will agree with or say “yes” to almost anything so everyone gets along. These individuals frequently over-commit and fall short on the results promised. Confronting or blaming “Yes People” generally perpetuates the “yes” behavior.They don’t want you not to like them.Can’t say “no”
39Dealing with Extreme “Get Along” Behavior Best Ways to CommunicateEncourage honestyMake honesty safeAssist in making realistic commitmentsEnsure commitments – may need a little micro-managingStrengthen the relationship – need people/people timeBest ways to communicate with “Get Along Yes People” include:Encourage honesty – so they can tell you what’s going onMake honesty safeAssist in making realistic commitmentsHelp to focus on taskHelp to plan and decideEnsure commitments – may need a little micro-managingStrengthen the relationship – need people/people timeOver & above the time working on “issues”Things to say…..“Tell me the pros & cons systematically. I’m really interested to hear your perspective.”“I appreciate your wanting to help, yet it’s still not done. Maybe we can work together to plan how to complete these tasks in a timely manner.”“Do you really have time for that? How can I help you?”
40Dealing with Difficult Behavior ActivityVolunteer – 1 per tableYour team is in charge of planning the next Annual State Meeting10 min to plan the “ideal” dayActivity: “Get It Right”Without revealing activity yet state “Before you get started I need one volunteer/table to come up front for some special instructions. Please bring your handout.”Give each person a role to play during the meeting. Let them ask questions and review info in handouts about their “behavior” before returning to the tableAt your tables, discuss the following: “Your group is in charge of planning the next annual state meeting”Choose a facilitator and plan the “ideal” dayLocationTopicsSpeakers“Remember – during this exercise you will use the information we just covered to deal effectively difficult person that might be on your team. Please practice & don’t ignore them!Plan for 10 min then debrief on the “Extreme” behavior