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Attitude to Platitude “How to Talk Shit in Corporate – Without Getting in Trouble” OR.

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Presentation on theme: "Attitude to Platitude “How to Talk Shit in Corporate – Without Getting in Trouble” OR."— Presentation transcript:

1 Attitude to Platitude “How to Talk Shit in Corporate – Without Getting in Trouble” OR

2 platitude Allow me to share our latest and greatest. This shit is so decent. attitude © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.www.rubinicholas.com

3 platitude Help me understand the relevance here. I don’t give a shit. attitude © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.www.rubinicholas.com

4 platitude That is a wonder. HOLY SHIT! attitude © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.www.rubinicholas.com

5 platitude Moving forward, how can we ensure our success? What other shit is going to happen? attitude © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.www.rubinicholas.com

6 platitude I’m not certain that this is a good time for contrary opinions. Don’t start any shit. attitude © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.www.rubinicholas.com

7 platitude Be certain that you can deliver and meet expectations. Don’t talk shit, if you can’t back it up. attitude © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.www.rubinicholas.com

8 platitude Perhaps a fresh set of eyes would be helpful. I’m too old for this shit. attitude © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.www.rubinicholas.com

9 platitude If I had the capacity, I would certainly assist. I’m in a shit storm right now. attitude © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.www.rubinicholas.com

10 platitude Have we adequately covered takeaways and future deliverables? Is that all the shit we need to do? attitude © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.www.rubinicholas.com

11 platitude He has a number of interesting qualities. He’s such a shit! attitude © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.www.rubinicholas.com

12 platitude I’d like to get an understanding of your commitment to this project. You don’t give a shit. attitude © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.www.rubinicholas.com

13 platitude I’m not sure, but it sounds like she was thrown under the bus. He sold her shit out. attitude © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.www.rubinicholas.com

14 platitude She was able to articulate her position and the subsequent lessons learned. She bullshitted her way out. attitude © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.www.rubinicholas.com

15 platitude Be creative. Think outside the box. Pull some shit out of your ass. attitude © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.www.rubinicholas.com

16 platitude We are reviewing the value of your contributions to the organization. You don’t do shit around here. attitude © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.www.rubinicholas.com

17 platitude With mixed emotions, I am tendering my resignation. Screw this shit. I quit. attitude © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.www.rubinicholas.com

18 Translations from the Big Office “Did my boss just cuss me out?” OR

19 from the mouth What was your success rate prior to joining this organization? Have you always been a fucking moron? from the heart © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.www.rubinicholas.com

20 from the mouth I suggest that you modify your current course to ensure minimal disruption to the delivery timeline. Fix it, fucktard. from the heart © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.www.rubinicholas.com

21 from the mouth I’d like to encourage your creativity on this one. I don’t know. Figure it the fuck out. from the heart © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.www.rubinicholas.com

22 from the mouth From my perspective, I’m not sure I agree with your position. Hey asshole, I sit in the big office, don’t tell me what the fuck to do. from the heart © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.www.rubinicholas.com

23 from the mouth How do you plan on resolving your conflict with one another? You are like little whiny fucking brats. from the heart © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.www.rubinicholas.com

24 from the mouth Your communication style at times can be perceived as off putting. Stop being such a bitch. Bitch. from the heart © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.www.rubinicholas.com

25 from the mouth The impending negative results were not communicated in a timely manner. Why the fuck didn’t you tell me before it all fell to hell? from the heart © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.www.rubinicholas.com

26 from the mouth Let’s take a minute to gather our thoughts before going down this slippery slope. Stop now you fucking idiot, before you say something you’ll really regret. from the heart © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.www.rubinicholas.com

27 from the mouth When I interject in a meeting that we’ll need to take an issue off line, please do not continue down that road. If I said shut it, fucking shut it. How hard is that? from the heart © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.www.rubinicholas.com

28 from the mouth Because of our current change in structure, your position is being eliminated. Remember how you thought I hated you? It’s true. from the heart © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.www.rubinicholas.com

29 from the mouth If you persist along your current line of thinking, I am concerned that the project will further deteriorate. Think it through, jackass, you’re dead fucking wrong. from the heart © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.www.rubinicholas.com

30 from the mouth I think the difficulty lay in a number of miscommunications around accountability. Nobody fucking said that, you retard. from the heart © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.www.rubinicholas.com

31 from the mouth How is it that we’ve come to such a disconnect around priorities? Do you have any clue what your fucking job is dude? from the heart © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.www.rubinicholas.com

32 from the mouth Based on your current performance, it’s not likely that any bonus dollars will be assessed in your favor for year end. You suck. I’m not going to pay you because of it. from the heart © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.www.rubinicholas.com

33 from the mouth I’d like to offer you some constructive feedback that I hope you will really take to heart. Listen up jackass, change or get the fuck out. from the heart © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.www.rubinicholas.com

34 from the mouth You unfortunately did not stack up for the promotion. You have to be fucking kidding. You can’t even do the job you’re in. from the heart © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.www.rubinicholas.com

35 from the mouth I’m unable to authorize your request for additional office supplies, we are already over budget for that line item. If you stopped stealing fucking post its and pens for home, I’d gladly buy more. from the heart © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.www.rubinicholas.com

36 from the mouth Why is there a continued issue with accuracy in our financial projections? I’m trying to understand the missteps here. Did you fucking even go to 3 rd grade? Who can’t add? from the heart © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.www.rubinicholas.com

37 from the mouth While we considered carefully a number of applicants, you unfortunately did not meet our hiring needs. Oh fuck, I missed your resume completely. from the heart © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.www.rubinicholas.com

38 from the mouth I would caution against any further speculation that our division is struggling. Everyone knows we’re fucked. Stop fucking talking about it already. from the heart © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.www.rubinicholas.com

39 from the mouth Our dress code policy was put into place for a number of reasons, not the least of which is the expression of a professional demeanor. If I can’t wear my Wham! shirt, you sure as shit can’t wear your Green Day one. from the heart © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.www.rubinicholas.com

40 from the mouth I understand that she is a more junior employee, but as her hiring manager, you will need to be accountable for your choices. You wanted the chick with big tits and no brain. You fucking got her. Enjoy. from the heart © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.www.rubinicholas.com

41 from the mouth In the interest of time, let’s table this conversation. Shut the fuck up. I’m so over it already. from the heart © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.www.rubinicholas.com

42 from the mouth It’s important that we put the right spin on this. We don’t want our clients losing faith in our ability to deliver. Fucking lie. Lie your ass off. from the heart © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.www.rubinicholas.com

43 from the mouth Allowable corporate expense report items have been clearly outlined in the financial policy. Seriously? Who fucking expenses gum? from the heart © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.www.rubinicholas.com

44 from the mouth I’d like to communicate additional detail around the changes, and will do so once plans are completely gelled. I have a secret. I’m not telling. Na-na-na-na- na. You wish you were me-e-e-e. from the heart © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.www.rubinicholas.com

45 from the mouth I am getting the sense that your level of engagement here is on the down swing. It might be time to think about your development. Look, I know you don’t give a fuck. Why don’t you just get the fuck out? from the heart © 2007 Rubi Nicholas, corporate humorist, www.rubinicholas.com all rights reserved.www.rubinicholas.com


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