Presentation on theme: "Emotion Coaching A Creative Discussion on the Benefits of Developing “Emotional Intelligence” in Young People and Families."— Presentation transcript:
1Emotion CoachingA Creative Discussion on the Benefits of Developing “Emotional Intelligence” in Young People and Families
2What are our Goals for Our Children?What do we want for them? Obedience and compliance not enoughWe want our children to grow up to be moral and responsible people who contribute to societyWe want young people to possess the strength to make their own choices in life and to enjoy the accomplishments of their own talentsWe want to see our children enjoy their lives and the pleasures it has to offerWe want young people to have good relationships with friends and successful marriagesWe want our children to someday make good parents
3What is Emotion Coaching and Why is it Important for Families? John Gottman, Ph.D. has written a book on Emotion Coaching entitled “Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child” EC is a technique that requires emotional awareness and a specific set of listening skillsDevelops “Emotional Intelligence” in young people; term coined by Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional IntelligenceMultiple studies support the finding that one of the most significant predictors of a child’s “success” as an adult is their ability to get along with others; more salient than an SAT or GRE score.Children who are emotion coached learn to trust their feelings, regulate their own emotions, and solve problems.These young people are characterized by having high self esteem, they learn well, and have better relationships because they are adept at reading and understanding interpersonal communication cues.
4Gottman’s Theory Extension of Dr Haim Ginott’s Work with Children Much like athletic coaches, emotion-coaching parents teach their children strategies for dealing with life’s ups and downs.They don’t object to their children’s display of anger, sadness, or fearNor do the IGNORE themInstead, they accept negative emotions as a fact of life and use these emotional moments as opportunities for teaching their kids important life lessons and building closer relationships with them.
5Anticipated Outcomes for Young People who are Emotion Coached John Gottman PhD, acclaimed psychologist from University of Washington and the Gottman Relationship and Research Institute, offers the following as a result of his 10 year longitudinal study of over 100 families:Develop ability to regulate their own emotional states.Develop methods to soothe themselves when upsetLearn to calm down their hearts faster and because of this superior performance in managing this part of their physiology,Tend to have fewer infectious illnesses.Better at focusing attention.Enjoy better performance in school and healthier relationships
6Five Key Principles for Emotion Coaching Developing an awareness of child’s emotionsRecognizing emotion as opportunity for teaching and intimacy buildingListening empathetically and validating children’s feelingsHelping the child verbally label emotionsSetting limits while helping the child problem solve
7Assessing Your Parent Style The path to becoming a better parent, like almost every road to personal growth and mastery, begins with self examination.
8The Dismissing Parent Treats child’s feelings as unimportant, trivial Disengages from or ignores the child’s feelingsDesires that the child’s negative emotions disappear quicklyCharacteristically uses distraction to shut down child’s emotionsMay ridicule or make light of a child’s emotionsBelieves negative emotions are harmful or toxic
9The Dismissing ParentFocuses more on how to get over emotions than on the meaning of the emotion itselfBelieves focusing on negative emotions will just make matters worseBelieves the negative emotions means the child is not well adjustedBelieves the child’s negative emotions reflect badly on the parentsMinimizes the child’s feelings, downplaying the events that lead to the emotion
10The Dismissing ParentBelieves children’s emotions tend to be irrational, therefore don’t countMay lack awareness of emotions in self and othersFeels uncomfortable and at times overwhelmed by child’s emotionsFears being out of control emotionallyDoes not problem solve with the child; believes that the passage of time will resolve most problems
11The Disapproving Parent Displays many of the Dismissing Parent’s behaviors, but in ways that are more negative in deliveryJudges and criticizes the child’s emotional expressionIs over aware of the need to set limits on their childrenEmphasizes conformity to good standards of behaviorReprimands, disciplines, or punishes the child for emotional expression, whether the child is misbehaving or not
12The Disapproving Parent Believes negative emotions need to be controlledBelieves negative emotions reflect bad character traitsBelieves child uses negative emotions to manipulate; this belief results in power strugglesBelieves emotions make people weak: children must be emotionally tough for survivalBelieves negative emotions are unproductive; a waste of timeIs overly concerned with the child’s obedience to authority
13The Laissez-Faire Parent Freely accepts all emotional expression from the childOffers comfort to the child experiencing negative feelings yet offers little guidance on behaviorDoes not teach child about emotionsIs permissive and does NOT set limitsDoes not help child solve problems because does not teach problem-solving methods to the childBelieves there is little you can do about negative emotions except ride them out
14The Emotion Coaching Parent Values the child’s negative emotions as an opportunity for learning and intimacyCan tolerate spending time with a sad, angry, or fearful child: Does not become impatient with the emotionIs aware of and values his or her own emotionsSees the world of negative emotions as an important arena for parentingIs sensitive to the child’s emotional states, even when subtle
15The Emotion Coaching Parent Is not confused or anxious about the child’s emotional expression; knows what needs to be doneRespects the child’s emotionsDoes not poke fun or make light of the child’ negative feelingsDoes not say or dictate how child should feelDoes not feel he or she has to fix every problem for the child
16Uses emotional moments to: Listen to childEmpathize with soothing words and affectionHelp the child label the emotion he or she is feelingOffer guidance on regulating emotionsSet limits and teach acceptable expression of emotionsTeach problem-solving skills
17Effects of Emotion Coaching Style on Children They learn to trust their feelings, regulate their own emotions, and solve problems.They have high self-esteem, learn well, and get along well with others.
18Scaffolding utilizes incremental pieces of information includes specific praise for specified bits of progressParents WAIT for the child to do something right and offer them SPECIFIC praise pertinent to the progressA focused compliment is much more effective in a teaching situation than global complimentsscaffolding process uses each small success to boost the child’s confidence, helping child to reach the next level of competence.
19Parental AgendaA goal based on a particular problem the parent has identified as interfering with what they believe to be in the child’s best interest.Such agendas are often linked to promoting admirable values such as courage, kindness, and discipline. These agendas can cause parents to keep a watchful eye on behavior, constantly trying to adjust their children’s course based on what they believe is best for the child.When conflicts arise over agenda issues, vigilant parents see it as their responsibility and even their moral obligation---to drive home their own points of view.
20Parental AgendaTo get at a question underlying misbehavior, it’s best to avoid asking questions like: “Why did you do that?” Best to steer clear of global enduring critiques of children’s personality traits.When correcting kids, focus instead on a specific event that happened here and now in their lives.Examples: Rather than “You are so careless and messy” say to your child: “ There are clothes scattered all over your room.”Instead of “Don’t be such a wallflower.” say: If you speak louder, the waitress will hear you.”
21Parenting Styles- A Matter of Cultural and Philosophical Differences If scientists have learned anything on the subject, it's that social connections are the foundation for happiness, health, and success in life. When kids build friendships through play, their social and emotional intelligence flourishes; social skills are a key predictor of success later in life. What's more, research clearly links loneliness and isolation with chronic illness and increased mortality rates.
22What are OUR Values? Dignity we all deserve to be treated well Respect CompassionSelf-ActualizationResponsible Contributing Member of Society???
23Amy Chua Challenge Why did her perspective hit such a nerve? ARE we satisfied with the way we are raising our children?What have we learned about ourselves in this process?What will we do differently?What values are reinforced by this experience?
24If I Had My Child to Raise Over Again If I had my child to raise over again I’d build self esteem first and the house later I’d finger paint more and point the finger less I would do less correcting and more connecting I’d take my eyes off my watch and watch my eyes I would care to know less and know to care more I’d take more hikes and fly more kites I’d stop playing serious and seriously play I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars I’d do more hugging and less tugging I’d see the oak tree in the acorn more often I’d be firm less often and affirm much more I would model less about the love of power And more about the Power of Love Donna Lewis