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LIVING WITH FEAR AND ABUSE A holistic look at Domestic Violence Part A Washington State CASA November 2014.

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Presentation on theme: "LIVING WITH FEAR AND ABUSE A holistic look at Domestic Violence Part A Washington State CASA November 2014."— Presentation transcript:

1 LIVING WITH FEAR AND ABUSE A holistic look at Domestic Violence Part A Washington State CASA November 2014

2 Presented by: Kellie Rogers Program Manager for DV Services ext The artwork depicted throughout this presentation has come from children who have participated in The Children’s Domestic Violence Program at the YWCA and is used with permission of the YWCA, the children and their parents.

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4 OBJECTIVES We will explore together: The family’s experience of battering (both pre and post separation). The family’s experience of battering (both pre and post separation). Why women stay. Why women stay. How to help survivors. How to help survivors. Batterer’s Intervention. Batterer’s Intervention. Supervised visitation Supervised visitation

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6 BATTERING Domestic Violence vs. Battering Battering is an ongoing pattern of behaviors used by an individual to establish and maintain control over his/her intimate partner. Battering incorporates the threat of or the carrying out of physical, sexual and emotional abuse.

7 Coercive Control Definition: A strategic course of self-interested behavior designed to secure and expand gender-based privilege by establishing a regime of domination in personal life. A strategic course of self-interested behavior designed to secure and expand gender-based privilege by establishing a regime of domination in personal life. A violation of women’s human rights A violation of women’s human rights Defines abuse as a deprivation of a woman's freedom in her personal, social, economic and political life. Defines abuse as a deprivation of a woman's freedom in her personal, social, economic and political life. Evan Stark, 2007

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9 BATTERER’S PROFILE  Controlling.  Entitled / Self-centered.  Believes that he is the victim.  Skillfully dishonest.  Good early on in relationships.  Disrespectful, depersonalizing.  Externalizes responsibility.  Punishes, retaliates.  Danger increases post-separation.

10 Working with a Batterer Kindness equals safety! Kindness equals safety! Follow up…or make them prove what they are claiming. Follow up…or make them prove what they are claiming. It is less about what you say as it is what you listen for. It is less about what you say as it is what you listen for. Anything/everything can be used against the survivor. Anything/everything can be used against the survivor. Hold them accountable…if you give them an inch…they will take 10 miles! Hold them accountable…if you give them an inch…they will take 10 miles!

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12 LISA CALLS 9-1-1

13 DEBRIEF What battering tactics did you hear? What battering tactics did you hear? How was Lisa affected? How was Lisa affected? How was Lisa’s mom’s parenting affected? How was Lisa’s mom’s parenting affected? How were the other children affected? How were the other children affected? What were the risks that the step- father posed to this family? What were the risks that the step- father posed to this family?

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15 Batterer’s Parenting Style   Authoritarian   Under involved (involved during times that “look good”)   Undermining of the mother’s authority and parenting in many ways.   Limited sense of age-appropriateness or developmental expectations.   Use of the children as weapons   Look good under observation

16 Batterer’s Parenting Style   Tend to see children as personal possessions   Rarely improve after separation (actually tend to get worse)   High risk of child abuse   Increased risk for child sexual abuse

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18 How batterer’s affect the mother’s parenting:  Undermining her authority.  Direct interference / Preventing her from parenting.  Causing the children to lose respect for her.  Isolating her which isolates the children.  Retaliating if she attempts to protect the children.  Causing her to feel “crazy”.  Humiliating her in front of her children.  Causing her to lose confidence in her parenting.

19 The Survivor as Parent Differential in expectation of parenting by gender. Differential in expectation of parenting by gender. Overwhelmingly survivors employ strategies to be safe (protective). Overwhelmingly survivors employ strategies to be safe (protective). Be careful about holding her accountable to his behaviors. Be careful about holding her accountable to his behaviors. No higher rates of pathology prior or after abusive relationship. No higher rates of pathology prior or after abusive relationship.

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21 To increase resiliency kids need: Safety, Safety, Safety. Safety, Safety, Safety. Support in repairing their relationship with their mothers/siblings. Support in repairing their relationship with their mothers/siblings. Structure, limits and predictability Structure, limits and predictability Specialized therapy and psycho- educational groups. Specialized therapy and psycho- educational groups. Clear social messages about responsibility for violence. Clear social messages about responsibility for violence.

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23 Why does she stay? Safety Safety Resources Resources Protect her children Protect her children Loves him/thinks he will change Loves him/thinks he will change Immigration issues Immigration issues Easier then leaving (especially for those who are stalked) Easier then leaving (especially for those who are stalked) He’s convinced her that she is worthless and that no one else will love her. He’s convinced her that she is worthless and that no one else will love her.

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25 How do we support survivors? Believe them. Believe them. –Most survivors say that they didn’t feel believed. –Ask questions about why they are afraid/upset. –Listen for the battering/coercive control Allow survivors autonomy. Allow survivors autonomy. –If safety planning ask about the strategies she has used to stay safe. –Let them take the lead as much as you can. Offer resources but don’t expect them to use them. Offer resources but don’t expect them to use them.

26 What if you suspect she is a victim? Language/ open ended questions Language/ open ended questions –Everyone fights, what does a fight look like in your relationship? –Tell me a time when you were the most afraid? Express concern/Believe her Express concern/Believe her –I am really concerned about your safety. –I believe you and how can I help? Remember your role! Remember your role! –It might not be safe to talk to/be honest with you. –Protecting her partner. –Doesn’t trust systems in general.

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28 Supervised Visitation When and why When and why Professional vs Family/Friends Professional vs Family/Friends Never equate successful supervised visits to safety outside of the visit Never equate successful supervised visits to safety outside of the visit

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30 Batterers Intervention Programs WAC What must be the focus of a domestic violence perpetrator treatment program? (1) A domestic violence perpetrator treatment program must focus treatment primarily on ending the participant's physical, sexual, and psychological abuse. (2) The program must hold the participant accountable for: (a) The abuse that occurred; and (b) Changing the participant's violent and abusive behaviors. (3) The program must base all treatment on strategies and philosophies that do not blame the victim or imply that the victim shares any responsibility for the abuse which occurred. [Statutory Authority: RCW WSR , § , filed 3/30/01, effective 4/30/01.]

31 Batterer Intervention Programs Cont. Debate over efficacy Debate over efficacy –WSIPP Report –Gondolf research What one should expect What one should expect –52 weeks at a minimum –26 weeks weekly at a minimum –Monthly reports –That the BIP has contacted the victim Batterers Work Arounds Batterers Work Arounds –Procrastination –Program Shopping –Program Jumping

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33 Ok, so now what do we do? Be very careful about documentation. (Remember what you write can and will be used against the survivor.) Do your research! Remember that batterers are skillfully dishonest. Make them prove what they say. Do your expectations put the survivor at risk? Remember that if a batterer can externalize blame then he will.

34 Ok, so now what do we do? Consult with community domestic violence advocates. Access to children can be used as an opportunity to continue to abuse. Think safety first! If you are working with other professionals on behalf of a family never assume that they are trained on battering.

35 Ok, so now what do we do? Think about what “neutrality” means to you. You NEVER need to be neutral about safety! When possible, work in teams with other professionals. Do NOT make decisions in a vacuum. If a batterer “gets away with it” that can dramatically increase the danger for the survivor’

36 Ok, so now what do we do? Survivors will go back to the relationship and will defend their abusive partners. Try to withhold judgment. Survivors will go back to the relationship and will defend their abusive partners. Try to withhold judgment. Survivors need support first, accountability second. Survivors need support first, accountability second. Batterers need accountability first, support second. Batterers need accountability first, support second.

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38 Questions?

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40 LIVING WITH FEAR AND ABUSE A holistic look at Domestic Violence Part B Washington State CASA November 2014

41 Objectives To understand how coercive control may impact the daily lives of survivors in the child welfare system To understand how coercive control may impact the daily lives of survivors in the child welfare system How to look at behaviors through the lens of coercive control How to look at behaviors through the lens of coercive control To engage in critical thinking of our practice as it applies to survivors and their behaviors To engage in critical thinking of our practice as it applies to survivors and their behaviors How to safely engage with survivors around their behaviors How to safely engage with survivors around their behaviors

42 What we will NOT be doing Will not be looking at the minutiae of CPS/CWS policy Will not be looking at the minutiae of CPS/CWS policy Will not be advocating that behaviors be excused Will not be advocating that behaviors be excused Will not be able to solve the problems of coercive control Will not be able to solve the problems of coercive control

43 Scenario Sara: 34 year old mother, 3rd grade teacher, no prior arrest Joseph: 37 year old Father, owns a HVAC business, several arrests as a minor and 4 arrests (DUI, assault, and DV from 6 months ago) Mark: 10 year old son, full time student 4th grade Star: 7 year old daughter, full time student 2nd grade

44 Scenario There is no prior CPS history. There is no prior CPS history. This family was referred to CPS through law enforcement because Sara was arrested on a drug charge for selling meth to an undercover police officer. This family was referred to CPS through law enforcement because Sara was arrested on a drug charge for selling meth to an undercover police officer. According to Sara, the children had been left alone at home while she left to make the sale and she was planning on heading right back home but was arrested. According to Sara, the children had been left alone at home while she left to make the sale and she was planning on heading right back home but was arrested. Immediately upon her arrest, she told the officer that her children were at home and LE was able to contact her mother to care for the children. Immediately upon her arrest, she told the officer that her children were at home and LE was able to contact her mother to care for the children. The father was not living in the home and there is a current Protection Order in place. The father was not living in the home and there is a current Protection Order in place. Sara is not “cooperating” with CPS. Sara is not “cooperating” with CPS.

45 Discussion What would you like to know? What would you like to know? What are your assumptions? What are your assumptions? What is your plan of action? What is your plan of action?

46 Interview with Mark Mark 10 years old: Mark stated that he takes care of his sister sometimes, but it is only for a little while and that it hasn’t happened for a long time. He said that it used to “…happen a lot before daddy moved out.” Mark stated that he takes care of his sister sometimes, but it is only for a little while and that it hasn’t happened for a long time. He said that it used to “…happen a lot before daddy moved out.” He gave every indication that he was well bonded to his mother. He gave every indication that he was well bonded to his mother. When asked if he was ever scared or worried at home, he spoke about an incident where his father “pulled his mom down the hall by her hair and kept hitting her to get her cell phone.” He said the only thing he could think of to do was to call 9-1-1, which he did. He said that the police came and arrested his dad and that he hasn’t seen him since. When asked if he was ever scared or worried at home, he spoke about an incident where his father “pulled his mom down the hall by her hair and kept hitting her to get her cell phone.” He said the only thing he could think of to do was to call 9-1-1, which he did. He said that the police came and arrested his dad and that he hasn’t seen him since. He stated that he was worried about his dad but was not sure if he wanted to see him right now. He stated that he was worried about his dad but was not sure if he wanted to see him right now. He identified the safe people in his life as his mom and his grandma. He identified the safe people in his life as his mom and his grandma.

47 Interview with Star Star 7 years old: You were unable to get Star to talk much. You were unable to get Star to talk much. She didn’t answer questions or make much eye contact. She didn’t answer questions or make much eye contact. She did say that her brother sometimes watches her and that she wasn’t worried about that. She did say that her brother sometimes watches her and that she wasn’t worried about that. When asked what she likes to do for fun, she did speak about ballet classes that she loved and that she was really sad that she didn’t get to do them anymore and that she would miss the big recital. When asked what she likes to do for fun, she did speak about ballet classes that she loved and that she was really sad that she didn’t get to do them anymore and that she would miss the big recital. When asked about her father, Star initially spoke about good times with dad, but when asked about the incident with the police she just put her head on her arms and refused to answer. When asked about her father, Star initially spoke about good times with dad, but when asked about the incident with the police she just put her head on her arms and refused to answer.

48 Discussion What would you like to know? What would you like to know? What are your assumptions? What are your assumptions? What is your plan of action? What is your plan of action?

49 Interview with Sara When asked about her arrest, Sara said that she is very embarrassed and also felt that she had no choice. When asked about her arrest, Sara said that she is very embarrassed and also felt that she had no choice. She stated her husband has withdrawn all financial support and they are 3 months behind on the mortgage and after the incident with the car, she could never make it up and that out of the blue an old contact showed up and made her “a deal she couldn’t refuse”. She stated her husband has withdrawn all financial support and they are 3 months behind on the mortgage and after the incident with the car, she could never make it up and that out of the blue an old contact showed up and made her “a deal she couldn’t refuse”. She said that while she was married, her husband made her do drug transactions because she “looked so innocent, being a school teacher and because she didn’t use.” She said that while she was married, her husband made her do drug transactions because she “looked so innocent, being a school teacher and because she didn’t use.” She said that he has always threatened her that if she ever left him, he would tell the world that she was a dealer. She said that he has always threatened her that if she ever left him, he would tell the world that she was a dealer. All of the drug contacts were friends of his and she had been able to get away from it when she left him. All of the drug contacts were friends of his and she had been able to get away from it when she left him. She now thinks that she was set up by her ex. She now thinks that she was set up by her ex.

50 Interview with Sara Cont. When asked about the Protection Order, Sara stated that her husband had been abusive throughout their relationship but the final incident was the last straw because the children got involved. When asked about the Protection Order, Sara stated that her husband had been abusive throughout their relationship but the final incident was the last straw because the children got involved. She said that the PO allows for supervised visitation but her husband has refused to do it. She said that the PO allows for supervised visitation but her husband has refused to do it. She stated that her husband is fighting for full custody and has an attorney. She had an attorney but has already used up the retainer and doesn’t have money to go forward. She stated that her husband is fighting for full custody and has an attorney. She had an attorney but has already used up the retainer and doesn’t have money to go forward. She identified her support system as her mother and one close friend. She identified her support system as her mother and one close friend.

51 Discussion What would you like to know? What would you like to know? What are your assumptions? What are your assumptions? What is your plan of action? What is your plan of action?

52 Home Visit The home was clean and appropriate The home was clean and appropriate There wasn’t a lot of food There wasn’t a lot of food The children were well bonded with their mother and there didn’t seem to be any concern about her parenting. The children were well bonded with their mother and there didn’t seem to be any concern about her parenting. Sara, however became “belligerent” when asked about the referring incident, and stated that she couldn’t promise that she wouldn’t leave the kids home alone again because there is no law in Washington State about that and “what do you expect me to do?...I have no money for a babysitter.” Sara, however became “belligerent” when asked about the referring incident, and stated that she couldn’t promise that she wouldn’t leave the kids home alone again because there is no law in Washington State about that and “what do you expect me to do?...I have no money for a babysitter.” Sara has volunteered to random U/A’s and all four done so far have been clean. Sara has volunteered to random U/A’s and all four done so far have been clean.

53 Discussion What would you like to know? What would you like to know? What are your assumptions? What are your assumptions? What is your plan of action? What is your plan of action?

54 Interview with Joseph Joe was very difficult to reach. He only agreed to meet with you as long as his divorce attorney was present. Joe was very difficult to reach. He only agreed to meet with you as long as his divorce attorney was present. He stated that he wants CPS to help him get his kids back and wants a letter of support. He stated that he wants CPS to help him get his kids back and wants a letter of support. When asked about a drug history, he denied any drug involvement. When asked about a drug history, he denied any drug involvement. He stated that Sara would often have money that she couldn’t explain and that he wondered how she got it and that he can’t understand why now she’s “so poor” and intimated that she was probably using. He stated that Sara would often have money that she couldn’t explain and that he wondered how she got it and that he can’t understand why now she’s “so poor” and intimated that she was probably using. He stated that he was “elated” that this happened because he thinks it would help him with his custody case. He stated that he was “elated” that this happened because he thinks it would help him with his custody case. He said that he thought Sara was a good mother, but that she has “shit that she has to work on.” He refused to elaborate on what that might be because, “…I am not here to talk badly about her.” He said that he thought Sara was a good mother, but that she has “shit that she has to work on.” He refused to elaborate on what that might be because, “…I am not here to talk badly about her.”

55 Interview with Joseph cont. Joe refused to answer any questions about his current criminal charge or the Protection Order or what led up to it, stating that “I agreed to that order because its just better if we stay away from each other.” Joe refused to answer any questions about his current criminal charge or the Protection Order or what led up to it, stating that “I agreed to that order because its just better if we stay away from each other.” When asked about his prior criminal history, he stated that the, “past in done and over with and that we needed to focus on what was happening right now.” When asked about his prior criminal history, he stated that the, “past in done and over with and that we needed to focus on what was happening right now.” When asked about his relationship with his children, he spoke lovingly about them reminiscing about the good times they’ve had together. When asked about his relationship with his children, he spoke lovingly about them reminiscing about the good times they’ve had together. When asked why he wasn’t visiting with his children, he stated, “I am not going to be babysat while with my kids. I have never abused them. I will wait until they are in my custody and explain everything to them then.” When asked why he wasn’t visiting with his children, he stated, “I am not going to be babysat while with my kids. I have never abused them. I will wait until they are in my custody and explain everything to them then.”

56 Discussion What would you like to know? What would you like to know? What are your assumptions? What are your assumptions? What is your plan of action? What is your plan of action?

57 Sara and the DV advocate Sara is separated from Joe but married for 12 years. There had been many incidents of violence, but they usually happened at night and he never left marks. She never called law enforcement until the last incident (She was afraid it would impact his business) Sara is separated from Joe but married for 12 years. There had been many incidents of violence, but they usually happened at night and he never left marks. She never called law enforcement until the last incident (She was afraid it would impact his business) Sara shared with the advocate that her husband was very “hard core” and that she was afraid of him. Sara shared with the advocate that her husband was very “hard core” and that she was afraid of him. She stated that he has an attorney even though he doesn’t provide any financial support and that he is going after full custody of the children. She stated that he has an attorney even though he doesn’t provide any financial support and that he is going after full custody of the children. Sara said that she has no idea what is going on with the criminal case. Sara said that she has no idea what is going on with the criminal case.

58 Sara and the DV advocate cont. The reason for the PO was that 6 months ago, he really scared and hurt her during a fight when he was trying to take her phone from her. The reason for the PO was that 6 months ago, he really scared and hurt her during a fight when he was trying to take her phone from her. On the same day that he was released from custody, he set up a Facebook account in her name and posted vile things and suggestive pictures of her and friend requested her friends, family and co- workers. He also sent a threatening text that he was going to take the children somewhere where she would never see them again. On the same day that he was released from custody, he set up a Facebook account in her name and posted vile things and suggestive pictures of her and friend requested her friends, family and co- workers. He also sent a threatening text that he was going to take the children somewhere where she would never see them again. The children were home during the incident and Mark called The children were home during the incident and Mark called 9-1-1

59 Sara and the DV advocate cont. He had an attorney and fought the order but the judge granted it. He had an attorney and fought the order but the judge granted it. The order allowed for supervised visitation but he has never initiated it. The order allowed for supervised visitation but he has never initiated it. Joe has been staying away but weird random things keep happening and she’s sure it is him. Joe has been staying away but weird random things keep happening and she’s sure it is him. Roses on the porch on her birthday (freaked her out because he said the only time he would ever buy her flowers would be to decorate her grave.) Roses on the porch on her birthday (freaked her out because he said the only time he would ever buy her flowers would be to decorate her grave.)

60 Sara and the DV advocate cont. Sugar in her gas tank which cost $600 to repair. While doing the repair the mechanic found a tracking device up under the wheel well. Sugar in her gas tank which cost $600 to repair. While doing the repair the mechanic found a tracking device up under the wheel well. The advocate knew nothing about the drug arrest until CPS became involved. The advocate knew nothing about the drug arrest until CPS became involved. Then Sara shared the same information she shared with CPS, that it was something her husband set up, the contacts were his friends, and that she felt she had no choice. Then Sara shared the same information she shared with CPS, that it was something her husband set up, the contacts were his friends, and that she felt she had no choice. She reiterated that she thinks her husband set her up. She reiterated that she thinks her husband set her up.

61 Discussion: Now that you have heard the entire story: What would you do differently in the future? What would you do differently in the future? What support do you need? What support do you need? What are the barriers to accessing those supports? What are the barriers to accessing those supports?

62 Role Play! Everyone loves role plays….any volunteers? #1. Talking with a survivor #2. Talking with a batterer

63 ANY QUESTIONS? ?


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