Presentation on theme: "WARNING: Secret Women’s Business Coming Up… … so make sure there are NO MEN in the room before proceeding through this manual on 15 secret steps to become."— Presentation transcript:
WARNING: Secret Women’s Business Coming Up… … so make sure there are NO MEN in the room before proceeding through this manual on 15 secret steps to become a fully-fledged, you beaut’ SUPER MUMMY! (Click for next page)
1. Don’t Bother Dressing The Kids In The Morning Leave them in their pyjamas all day, then in the late afternoon, simply spray their hair with water, so it looks like they’re bathed and ready for bed when your partner gets home.
2. On The Topic Of Dressing… Unless you really have to go out, don’t bother dressing yourself either – stay in your pj’s all day too. It’s not like you’ll get a shower anyway, so when your partner comes home, either slip into something fresh for the night or tell him that you have been soooo busy and stressed that you didn’t even get the chance to dress yourself… …AND can he please look after the kids while you go and have a nice, warm, candlelit bubble bath (with champagne and strawberries as an optional extra).
3. Always Leave The Vacuum Cleaner At The Front Door If anyone stops in unexpectedly and the house is an absolute tip, you can always imply that you were just about to start housecleaning - and you’re more than happy to have such a wonderful interruption to housework!
4. If Your Toddler Wants to Eat Snacks All Day… … just let them. It saves having to go through meal time tantrums, messes and dishwashing, which is great for the environment. Think green in 2007!
5. Time For Some Well-Earned Sympathy? “The baby woke up 4 times last night. Didn’t you hear her? You sure can sleep through anything!” No matter if it’s been said in truth or if she’s been sleeping through for around 4 months already, this is a sure way to get lots of sympathy and sucking up from your partner.
6. Stock Up On Packet Mixes Stock up on packets of cake, biscuit and muffin mix, then hide them in your pantry. Bake these when you have people coming around. For the more gourmet. homemade look, press them with a fork while cooking. You could even whip up some fresh cream and strawberries to go with it – what an effort it will seem to your unsuspecting visitors! They will think you are a complete domestic goddess, for doing something that took much less time than dragging the kids out to Bakers Delight, kicking and screaming. For double the effect, double your baking efforts and leave one lot for your partner – when he comes home to what you have made just for him, you could get lucky – he might offer to wash up!
7. Mummies Don’t Get Sick Days… … so don’t forget to pretend to be extra sick every now and again. You’ll get extra help with the kids as well as some well-deserved sympathy. As an added bonus, there will be little or no expectation of getting any housework done that day. Better still, chuck a sickie and tell your partner that you are so sick, he will need to stay home for the day. Proceed towards a box of tissues, sniffle, blow, then and go back to bed. Insist you wont be able to sleep through the noise, so can your partner please take the kids out for the morning, or ideally, the day.
8. Forget The Ironing Ironing is impossible with children. If your partner complains, tell him/her to think of the numerous safety hazards for poor and unsuspecting children. It’s far too dangerous with the cords, hot iron, wobbly ironing board – the list goes on. I have not ironed for 2 years out of concern for our children’s safety.
9. Hire a Cleaner… … but don’t tell anyone, even your partner. Have a regular clean every week or two and transform your home from a pit to a palace in no time. Don’t forget to go out with the kids afterwards so it will be tidy when your partner comes home. There’s nothing better than letting someone else clean your house while you sit back and take the credit for it – and help the national unemployment crisis at the same time.
10. On The Point Of Cleaners… If you will be at home while the cleaner works, make sure they look something like this.
11. An Essential Oil Burner Is Essential Make sure it’s going before your partner arrives home or before any guests pop over. It covers up the smell of pooey nappies, baby vomit, the toilet you haven’t cleaned in weeks, the shower you haven’t had in weeks or for the dishes you have only just put away after a few days in the sink. It also makes up for the lack of any home cooking smells if you haven’t been bothered to make dinner!
12. Need A Break From A Tantruming Toddler? Or Partner? When your partner is at home, tell him that your newborn needs a feed. This way you can have a quiet lie-down for at least 30 minutes and read your favourite book! My newborn was always a very quick feeder (about every 4 hours or so) but my husband, to this day, thinks it took at least 40 minutes every 2 hours to feed our baby. Silence is heavenly.
13. If Your Child Is Learning To Read… Hint: get the child to read stories to the younger ones. That way you are having storytime and reading practice at the same time. Plus, you don’t have to bother remembering which character goes with which voice, which saves on toddler tantrums when you do get them wrong.
14. Need To Go Out..? Don’t fret – it needn’t be a drama. Even if you haven’t managed to shower for three days and smell like baby vomit, quickly throw on some funky jewellery, lipstick and perfume. Everyone will envy you and think you are a totally in control and together type of mummy.
15. Lastly Mummies, Make Sure You Keep Your New Skills Up To Date! Visit www.bellybelly.com.au for loads more fun and ideas for mummies and mummies-to-be! www.bellybelly.com.au But shhhhh! Don’t tell him you heard it from us BellyBelly.com.au – For Conception, Pregnancy, Birth & Baby