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Wills at War. What is the Secret to Defusing Conflict?

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Presentation on theme: "Wills at War. What is the Secret to Defusing Conflict?"— Presentation transcript:

1 Wills at War

2 What is the Secret to Defusing Conflict?

3 Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or self-confidence. - Robert Frost

4 Conflicts Hidden Values Inoculated by conflict The One Free Murder Law Conflict as a Guardrail

5 If you wish to make a man your enemy, tell him simply, You are wrong. This method works every time. - Henry C. Link

6 Conflict, Plain & Simple Psychologists tell us our psyche looks something like this...

7 Conflict, Plain & Simple Attitudes: Our predisposition to respond to people, ideas and objects in evaluative ways.

8 Conflict, Plain & Simple Beliefs: The way people perceive reality.

9 Conflict, Plain & Simple Values: Peoples most enduring judgments about whats good and bad in life.

10 Conflict, Plain & Simple Financial security Respect Privacy Fairness Self-determination Being left alone The Insureds Values:

11 Courage is being scared to death - but saddling up anyway. - John Wayne

12 The Physiology of Conflict

13 Human Defense Responses Fight Or… Flight

14 The Effects of Adrenaline Increased heart rate Rapid breathing Heightened sense of vision and hearing Pupil dilation Dry mouth Profuse sweating Nausea Extraordinary strength

15 The basic building block of good communication is the feeling that every human being is unique and of value. - Unknown

16 Verbal Communication Languages fall into several categories: Tonal Stress

17 Examples of a Stress Language at Work You are not going to the party tonight.

18 Keys to Effective Communication Listen twice as much as you speak Ask every question you can think of Convey respect - If someone respects me, I dont want to let them down Even when your emotions are raging…SMILE! Remember the Magic Words

19 Non-Verbal Communication Body Language: The gestures, movements and mannerisms by which a person or animal communicates with others.

20 Body Language Factoids A human can produce over 700,000 unique movements These can combine to form 60 discrete signals and about 60 gestures 55% of what you say is through body language 93% of your emotions are communicated non-verbally

21 Body Language Factoids You have a vocabulary of about 138,000 non-verbal and visual cues, but you can only control about 150-200 of them - and you can only do that for about 15-20% of the time. - Corporate Psychologist Ben Johnson (What Body Language Says, Hilary Freeman)

22 The ROLE Principal Relax - Take a few deep breaths Open - Assume an open posture Leaning - Leaning in communicates interest and acceptance Eye Contact - Windows to the soul

23 Mirroring Also called tracking This is a natural part of the non-verbal process When we are in sync with another person, we do this naturally Mirror the other persons actions

24 Non-Verbal Miscellany Handshakes Dark Glasses Hands in Pockets Unbuttoned Jacket or coat Touching Gestures

25 Privacy Privacy is one of our inalienable rights –1st, 4th & 5th Amendments - U.S. Constitution (1791) Sneaking to the mailbox under cover of darkness Policyholders have a limited right to the privacy of their affairs This right to privacy is likely also a value held by the insured

26 Conflict, Plain & Simple

27 Suggestions re: Privacy 1. Be discrete in discussing names/salaries 2. Protect payroll records with your life 3. Return records to the person who gave them to you 4. Avoid taking copies of financial records 5. Never, NEVER discuss what you see on an audit outside your auditors duties

28 Proxemics Proxemics is the study of human spatial issues The term Proxemics was coined by social- scientist Edward Hall in 1963

29 Proxemics in Real Life The phone call The convention The cubicle debacle The elevator incident

30 In real life, the most practical advice…is not to treat pawns like pawns, nor princes like princes, but all persons like persons. - James MacGregor Burns

31 The 5-90-5 Principal 5% of the working public are Wonderful people (with warm cookies!) 90% are agreeable but not very memorable 5% are horribly bitter pills who were obviously abused as puppies

32 Tips for Handling the Pills Remember, with this group - the conflict is not likely your fault! Bear in mind that these people exist in every walk of life Dont take them too seriously Remain calm Practice the ROLE principal If threatened, Walk Away

33 Keep Your Eye on the Ball Roger Dawson: on John McEnroe Taking you out of your game Remember what your goal is!

34 Dealing with Conflict Your Options: –Give up… –Blame the conflict on someone else –Rely on your instincts to get you through –Take an inside look

35 An Analogy from Marriage First of all, you must: Understand that conflict is a natural part of life Bear in mind that some conflict is unavoidable Learn to fight fairly

36 Pride is concerned with who is right. Humility is concerned with what is right. - Ezra Taft Benson

37 The So What? Factor Apologize, when appropriate Avoid personal attacks Remember that the insured may feel their values are under attack Apply the ROLE principal Convey respect, no matter what –If you dont get your way, youll still get your say.

38 The So What? Factor Above all… BE REAL!

39 The Secret Within


41 For a free.pdf copy of my booklet Wills at War you can e-mail a me at

42 Wills at War

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