Presentation on theme: "Forget beautiful people, let's have wonky Brits Caitlin Moran."— Presentation transcript:
Forget beautiful people, let's have wonky Brits Caitlin Moran
I don’t want to sound racist about attractive people, but they all look the same to me. My gaze slides off their faces
Are you ugly? Are you, though? Perhaps not ragingly munty, but just a bit... wonky? Disappointing. A pretty mouth, maybe — pillowy, billowy, clever — but with eyes a bit like pigeon? Beautiful colouring — brown-eyed, Titian-haired — but with the kind of over-quilted nose that makes people want to squeeze it, shouting “honk!”? Or do you have one of those chins that looks like it’s eroding, into the pounding North Sea of your neck?
Either way, the good news is: you’re British! So you’ll fit right in. Hardly anyone will notice your sub-standard face or unsatisfactory profile, because this is one of the ugliest countries in the world!
That’s according to dating website beautifulpeople.com, anyway — who, last week, reported that they have to refuse more membership applications from Britain than anywhere else in the world. Out of 295,000 hopeful attempts from the UK last year, only 35,000 were deemed to meet beautifulpeople’s pulchritude criteria. A mere one in eight men, and three in twenty women, were granted entry — the last being particularly shocking, given the amazing lies women can tell with the application of make-up, hairpieces, Spanx, Wonderbras, and the amazing pheromone spray you can get from the small-ads in the back of Viz.beautifulpeople.com
Obviously, on reading about beautifulpeople.com, I immediately tried to join the service myself. For who would not want to find out if they are actually, clinically attractive — as judged by face- looking-at professionals?
Alas, however — I spent the subsequent hour futzing around the site, wholly failing to understand how to open an account. Clearly this was quite dispiriting, as I’d kind of presumed beautifulpeople. com would be run, and used, by the kind of lunk-headed jocks and cheerleaders I have superciliously looked down upon all my life, while reading books of 400 pages or more. Discovering that I was too thick to use a website designed for the kind of people witless and un-self-analytical enough to refer to themselves as “the beautiful people” was a sobering moment. Chances are, the website I need is called dimandstumpy.com.