2SOLIPSISTIC Yo momma’s so solipsistic, she married herself! Sol-ip-sis-tic (sah lip SIS tik): adj. believing only oneself exists; highly self-centeredSolipsism is the theory that the self is the only thing that exists. It’s a philosophical word that, for obvious reasons, can also be used to describe a general preoccupation with oneself (egocentrism). Solipsism is an idea that every college sophomore thinks he is the first to think of, until he later learns that so many other people have thought of it, there’s a word for it and everything. This mentality, the “I know everything when you really don’t” mindset, can be described by using the word “sophomoric,” which is derived from the Greek, loosely meaning “wise fool.”
3OSTENTATIOUSYo momma’s so ostentatious, she makes Mr. T look understated!Os-ten-ta-tious (ahs ten TAY shuhs): adj. flashy, intended to impress othersOstentatious means showy. If something is ostentatious, it’s meant to attract the attention of others and to impress them. It’s an insult to call something or someone ostentatious, and, yet, in today’s hip hop culture, as with many things, that which was once looked down upon is celebrated. MTV Cribs checks out young stars’ homes, searching for the world’s most ostentatious absurdities: solid gold stripper poles, giant shrubberies in the shapes of their owners, cars with TVs everywhere, including the rims. All the while, MTV uses ostentatious editing to create the illusion of content. The show My Super Sweet 16 features parents who spoil their obnoxious children by throwing them preposterously obstentatious birthday parties.
4PARASITEYo momma’s such a parasite, when she wants to watch TV, she goes to Best Buy!Par-a-site (PAIR uh syte): n. someone who, without giving anything back, benefits from others; a moocherA parasite is a biological term that refers to an organism that lives on or in another organism. From this, the word has come to describe people who receive support from others and offer nothing in return. The thirty-year-old man who still lives in Mom and Dad’s basement an pays no rent is a parasite living off his parents. Are you a parasite to society? Do you pretend to be interested in free samples, “tasting” until you’ve eaten a full meal? What’s the proper etiquette when you taste the free sample and decide to walk away? Do you try to close the loop in sales speak by saying something like, “Hmmm… That’s good pita wedge and artichoke dip. I’ll consider this and come back if I’m interested in moving forward.” Is that better than just nodding, raising eyebrows superficially, and, as they stare at you, simply walking away without uttering a word? Anyway, what were we talking about?
5INDIGENTYo momma’s so indigent, when she was kicking a can down the street, I asked what she was doing, and she said, “Moving!”In-di-gent (IN di juhnt): adj. extremely poor; lacking the necessities of lifeThat’s just sad. If yo momma’s sole possession is a can, that is. It doesn’t even sound like there’s anything in the can, or else she wouldn’t be kicking it so haphazardly. Yo momma isn’t just poor. She’s indigent. Indigent means lacking even the basics: food, shelter, cable television.
6GAUCHE Yo momma’s so gauche, she ordered her sushi well-done! Gauche (GOHSH): adj. unsophisticated, so much so as to make social situations difficultGauche people lack social grace and polish. Not surprisingly, this snooty, insulting word is of French origin. Picking your teeth with the corner of a sugar packet, while surprisingly effective (trust is), is gauche.
7EPICYo momma is so epic, when she steps on a scale, it says, “To be continued!”Ep-ic (EP ik): adj. large-scale, heroic, grand in scale or scopeA person is not generally described as epic. The belittling element at work is here equating your momma to a work of literate that is extraordinary in size, length, or scale. Her girth is so impressive that minstrels will sing of it and pass it on in oral tradition. Lord of the Rings is both an epic film and an epic literary series. Homer wrote The Iliad and The Odyssey, both epic poems. The movies Ishtar and Waterworld were both epic failures—not just because they were long movies that failed, but also because they failed on such a grand scale.
8SCHADENFREUDEYo momma is such a seeker of schadenfreude, she signed you up for American Idol!Scha-den-freu-de (SHAHd n froyd uh): n. satisfaction or pleasure felt at someone else’s misfortuneLeave it to the Germans to come up with this word. The Eskimos have hundreds of words for snow, and the Germans have hundreds of words for suffering. The word origin comes from Schaden (harm) and Freude (joy). Man, those Germans have a way of melding words together. Schadenfraude is an awesome word which you will find yourself using a lot more as you get older. You experience schadenfraude when a friend who seemingly has it all gets divorced and you feel a guilty pang of satisfaction, or when you experience an odd joy watching the faces of losing Oscar nominees when the winner is announced.
9JUXTAPOSEYo momma’s so old, she makes Skeletor look young when they’re juxtaposed!Jux-ta-pose (JUKS tuh pohs): v. to place side by side (often to show contrast)Things that are juxtaposed are placed side by side. Common usage adds to this basic meaning a goal of illuminating a comparison or contrast: the new iPod Shuffle’s diminutive size was evident when juxtaposed with the old one. Weight loss pill advertisements juxtapose “before” and “after” photos to show the effectiveness of their product.
10PHILISTINEYo momma is such a philistine, she thought Crime and Punishment was a WWE tagteam!Phil-is-tine (FILL-uh-steen): n. someone with no knowledge of or interest in culture; adj. having no knowledge of or interest in cultureYo momma thinks the Missouri Compromise is an NBA team. To her, a night of culture is watching Real World/Road Rules Challenge. She cannot differentiate between jazz songs: there is one song, and it is called “Jazz.” Two wines: “Red” and “White.” She looks at modern art and immediately hollers, “I could do that.” The only culture she gets is when she’s tested for strep. And worse, she doesn’t care about her ignorance. Yo momma is a philistine.
11VICARIOUS Yo momma lives so vicariously, I have to insult you! Vi-car-i-ous (vye-CARE-ee-uhs): adj. experienced through imagined participation in the actions or accomplishments of othersAfter the weight of the world has crushed his spirit, a father can live vicariously through his son by attending his football games and remembering days of his own youth, now long gone. The father’s only joy comes via his son’s achievements, which he experiences as if they were his own. The common phenomenon of parents living vicariously through their children has resulted in countless familial conflicts and a number of really bad off-Broadway plays. The billion-dollar Hollywood gossip industry proves that we live vicariously through the lives of celebrities, not to mention that we all enjoy a hefty dose of schadenfreude.