Of all animals the boy is the most unmanageable. Plato The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any. Fred Astaire The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children. Clarence S. Darrow
Some Statistics on the ages that males make life changes: 1958199820022015 Leave School 16 17 17 19 Leave Home 18 24 26 29 Marry 20 27 31 33 Become a Father 21 28 32 35
6 Boys and girls must learn: To Be To Know To Do To Live Together Learning: The Treasure WithinUNESCO All learning has an emotional base Plato GFC US – 80% of jobs lost are male Aus – 100 000 full time male jobs lost 26 500 female jobs created
HumourousPhysical Energy Straight- talking Technically competent Risk takersImpulsive Spontaneous Team orientedCompetitive Keen sense of justiceLoudCurious Minimalist Caring Love games Hands On LogicalLove stories Affectionate Like structure Social Loyal MimicsImaginativeTask Orientated LiteralExtroverts Hungry Predictable Vain HelpfulSmart FairHonest Energetic Tough exteriorSoft underneath Sensitive Independent Heroic Forgiving Like a Challenge Creative Tactile Hate to lose Love to win Sporty
Biology Environment The groups they belong to Move with them Supporting Our Sons in Schools Motivating Boys
Share the household tasks and use a roster Help him to plan TV, homework and recreation programs Encourage him to plan and execute major projects Have him assume greater responsibility for his personal hygiene
Play a game with adult Physical activity Art / Cooking Read Be read to Project research Teach parents something HOUSEWORK Use computer you were taught for work Meditation / Spiritual Shopping Cultural / Music Relaxation (Financial Literacy) Practice
Helpful praise comes in two parts 1. The adult describes with appreciation what they see or feel 2. The child (after hearing the description) is then, able to praise himself This is called descriptive praise and feelings of doubting the praiser, immediate denial, being threatened, focussing on your weaknesses, anxiety and manipulation disappear Summing up in a word - another form of this praise “You said you’d be home at 5 and it’s exactly 5 o’clock. That’s what I call punctuality” “You noticed the hanging pots were dry and watered them. That’s what’s known as taking initiative” 16Copyright Dr I Lillico 2011
Silence is often an excellent way of letting the boy find his own solutions rather than us imposing ours - help them to problem solve Resist the temptation to make better instantly Instead of giving advice continue to accept and reflect the child’s feelings
Helping parents/teachers deal with negative feelings Adults need cleanliness, order, courtesy, routine….. Children couldn’t care less! The more intense we become - the more actively they resist WE USE: 1. Blaming and accusing - How many times do I have to tell you…
2. Name calling - You live like an animal! 3. Threats - Touch that lamp once more and... 4. Commands - Clean up your room this minute! 5. Lecturing and moralizing - When I was your age…. 6. Warnings - Put on your jumper or you’ll catch a cold 7. Martyrdom statements - You’re putting me in my grave 8. Sarcasm - That was a brilliant thing to do! 9. Prophecy - If you keep being selfish you’ll have no friends Instead to engage cooperation we should………...
1. Describe: Describe what you see or describe the problem: The light’s on in the bathroom 2. Give information: Milk turns sour out of the fridge 3. Say it with a word: Kids, pyjamas…..Billy, the dog….. 4. Talk about your feelings (“I” message): It bothers me when you leave the fridge door open! 5. Write a note: Please put toys away after play…love Mum These leave no residue of bad feelings It is important to be authentic and if you don’t succeed first time don’t revert to the old way
Quality time Physical touch Gifts Words of affirmation Acts of service 1.Ask questions 2.Experiment 3.Observe
The narrowing of emotions is based on chronological age Boys Don’t Cry 7 No soft feelings 10/11 Laughter and Anger ONLY 14-16 Recommendation 24 Parents should only send positive texts and emails to their children on a regular basis.
ADHD Autism CAPD ODD Bipolar Family dysfunction Bullying Others
E. T. Finding Neverland October SkyHarry Potter Series Mr Holland’s OpusEmperors Club TootsieThe Sum of Us Mrs DoubtfireThe Karate Kid 1 & 2 Stand By MeThe Neverending Story JackThe Secret Garden Frequency Finding Forrester About a BoyBilly Elliot Superman 1-4Searching for Bobby Fischer
LEARNING IS VERY DIFFICULT Biddulph “Boys learn teachers, and not subjects” If the student / teacher relationship is poor or; If the boy thinks his teacher doesn’t like him “One looks back with appreciation to the brilliant teachers, but with gratitude to those who touched our human feelings. The curriculum is so much necessary raw material, but warmth is a vital element for the growing plant and for the soul of the child.” Carl Jung
Encourage him to assume non gender typical tasks such as child care, washing or ironing Expose your son to a number of different jobs Encourage him to participate in a range of sports, clubs etc but NOT TOO MANY! Have your son take care of a pet To help him with his increasing autonomy watch out for too many “NO”s
Give information (and leave out the NO) Child: Can I go to Peter’s to play now? Adult: We’re having dinner in 5 minutes Accept feelings Child: I don’t want to go home yet - can’t we stay? Adult: It’s hard to leave a place you enjoy so much Describe the problem Child: Can you drive me to the library now? Adult: I’d like to but the electrician is coming in 30 mins
When possible substitute “yes” for “no” Child: Can we go to the playground? Adult: Yes - straight after lunch Give yourself time to think Child: Can I sleep over at Gary’s house? Adult: Let me think about it
1.Please be firm with me, without hitting – This will allow me to know where I stand 2.Please don’t worry when I say I hate you - It is not you I hate it is what you stand for; an adult, wiser, older etc 3.Please don’t spoil me – I know I am not allowed to have all that I ask for. I don’t want to grow up selfish 4.Please don’t embarrass me in front of others – take me somewhere away from the group and talk to me
5. Don’t worry about my small complaints, my silly or clever replies – the only reason I do this is to get attention 6. Please try to understand that I can’t explain myself as well as I would like – sometimes it appears I am lying, but I am really just being inaccurate 7. Please don’t nag – if you do I go dumb, deaf and stupid 8. I have lots of worries about the future – please don’t tell me that my fears are silly – they are very real to me
9. I feel close to you when you apologize to me – you are proving that you are treating me as a human 10. Please remember I am trying to grow up – A little hug now and then won’t go astray!