2Don’t Panic!Millions of people shit their pants every single day for a variety of reasons. While it’s definitely something to be ashamed of, you don’t have to be too ashamed.
3First Step: Assess the Situation It’s important to determine the severity of the situation. The most important factor is the amount of shit that is currently residing in your pants, as this will determine the urgency of the situation, and your course of action going forward.The following slides will detail the appropriate responses to different pants-shitting scenarios.
4Scenario A: It’s Just a Little Bit of Shit The shit hasn’t managed to sweat through your pants yet, and you’ve got a good chance of making it through the rest of the day.Clench butt-cheeks, proceed to the nearest restroomRemove and dispose of dirty underwear in a trashcan far away from foot trafficIf odor persists, blame the nearest fat personUse caution when sitting down, lunging and bending overReturn to your normal daily activities
5Scenario B: Too Much Shit to Hide The shit is sweating through your pants, and is now visible to the people around you.Wrap a sweater or jacket around your waist and proceed immediately to the nearest bathroomRemove pants and underwear, and wash pants with clean toilet waterVigorously rinse thighs and ass in the sink, to eliminate fecal residueDry wet pants using bathroom hand-dryerWear sweater or jacket around waist for the remainder of the day
6Scenario C: There’s Shit Everywhere In this nightmare scenario, you’re completely covered in shit. It’s leaking out of the bottom of your pants onto your shoes, and has splattered half-way up your back.Run away from people as quickly as possibleProceed to your home immediatelyLine your car seats and floors with plastic bags, drive with windows downOnce home, place all clothes and pocket contents in plastic bagSet fire to the plastic bagTake a long, long showerSet fire to the shower
7Conclusion: Who Gives a Shit?! People of all walks of life shit their pants every day, but if you follow these easy steps, you make it through this horribly disgusting ordeal relatively unscathed, and you too can be as happy as these former pants-shitters. Good luck!