1. I Just Shit My Pants!
What’s Next?

2. Don’t Panic!
Millions of people shit their pants every single day for a variety of reasons. While it’s definitely something to be ashamed of, you don’t have to be too ashamed.

3. First Step: Assess the Situation
It’s important to determine the severity of the situation. The most important factor is the amount of shit that is currently residing in your pants, as this will determine the urgency of the situation, and your course of action going forward.
The following slides will detail the appropriate responses to different pants-shitting scenarios.

4. Scenario A: It’s Just a Little Bit of Shit
The shit hasn’t managed to sweat through your pants yet, and you’ve got a good chance of making it through the rest of the day.
Clench butt-cheeks, proceed to the nearest restroom
Remove and dispose of dirty underwear in a trashcan far away from foot traffic
If odor persists, blame the nearest fat person
Use caution when sitting down, lunging and bending over
Return to your normal daily activities

5. Scenario B: Too Much Shit to Hide
The shit is sweating through your pants, and is now visible to the people around you.
Wrap a sweater or jacket around your waist and proceed immediately to the nearest bathroom
Remove pants and underwear, and wash pants with clean toilet water
Vigorously rinse thighs and ass in the sink, to eliminate fecal residue
Dry wet pants using bathroom hand-dryer
Wear sweater or jacket around waist for the remainder of the day

6. Scenario C: There’s Shit Everywhere
In this nightmare scenario, you’re completely covered in shit. It’s leaking out of the bottom of your pants onto your shoes, and has splattered half-way up your back.
Run away from people as quickly as possible
Proceed to your home immediately
Line your car seats and floors with plastic bags, drive with windows down
Once home, place all clothes and pocket contents in plastic bag
Set fire to the plastic bag
Take a long, long shower
Set fire to the shower

7. Conclusion: Who Gives a Shit?!
People of all walks of life shit their pants every day, but if you follow these easy steps, you make it through this horribly disgusting ordeal relatively unscathed, and you too can be as happy as these former pants-shitters. Good luck!