Presentation on theme: "Maintaining firm boundaries in a fickle world. Friendspeers crossing boundaries Facebookand other social networking tools Family –why theyre called in-laws."— Presentation transcript:
Maintaining firm boundaries in a fickle world
Friendspeers crossing boundaries Facebookand other social networking tools Family –why theyre called in-laws and out-laws Fightingcreating an opening from the inside
Cross-gender buddies without consequences Flexible boundaries Endless fun; few responsibilities Perpetual hangout session Not expected to come to an end with marriage.
Total allegiance to spouse, or there will be consequences Firm, clear boundaries Limits to fun; seemingly endless responsibilities Perpetual growth opportunities
Friends model Eternal Companion model Cross-gender buddies without consequences Flexible boundaries Endless fun; few responsibilities Perpetual hangout session Total allegiance to spouse or there will be consequences Firm, clear boundaries Limits to fun; seemingly endless responsibilities Perpetual growth opportunities
Many young adults are challenged by the notion that ones friends should be distanced in marriage. Opposite-sex friends are retained, often at the expense of the marriage relationship. So…whats the big deal?
Opposite-sex buddies become sources of contention …and comparison. You never had to deal with your buddy with morning breath while stressing about an important exam while they had the flu.
They may invade even without intending to. Emotional infidelity is damaging, and often leads to other forms of betrayal. Sharing ones tender feelings, confidences and aspirations creates bonds. These should be reserved for your spouse.
Carefully discuss your new boundaries with regards all buddies of both genders. Do not seek them out for conversation, etc. Dont spend time with them alone…ever! This boundary setting should be done before marriage, but can also happen now. Dont apologize for wanting to be his/her one and only.
Clearly announce your marriage and your new boundaries to all buddies of both genders. Then keep them. Exercise great caution with same-gender friends. Dont assume nothing can ever happen. It does every day.
Avoid emotional infidelity by asking these questions: Are am I turning to my friend for comfort rather than turning to my spouse? Do you seek opportunities to be with your friend even when work/school dont require it? Do you or text your friend when not together? Do you compare your spouse to your friend? (Kenneth W. Matheson, Ensign, Sept. 2009, pp )
Digital social networking tools and other digital distractions may seem harmless, but have become common tools in prying couples (of any age) apart.
Social networking sites have become common means of connecting with lost lovesboth intentionally and accidentally… …with the same predictable results.
Because they seem harmless, people often disregard the fact that they may relating to others in ways they would never consider doing by more conventional (less convenient) means. Time Interest Intimacies
Is Facebook my friend? Salesman in Phoenix airport: We work hard to keep you on those pages as long as possible, and as often as possible. Some of those ads make over a million dollars a day, and well do anything to keep you there as often and as long as possible.
Carefully monitor the amount of time and the degree to which you keep in contact with others electronically. Social networking sites Texting Even gaming sites, etc.
Ask yourself Would I be discussing these topics, or with this frequency, with this person if it were not so convenient? Why, or why not? Am I tempted to hide any of these conversations? How would I feel about my spouse doing the same?
There are those married people who permit their eyes to wander and their hearts to become vagrant, who think it is not improper to flirt a little, to share their hearts and have desire for someone other than the wife or the husband. The Lord says in no uncertain terms: Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else (D&C 42:22).D&C 42:22
And, when the Lord says all thy heart, it allows for no sharing nor dividing nor depriving. And, to the woman it is paraphrased: Thou shalt love thy husband with all thy heart and shalt cleave unto him and none else.
The words none else eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse then becomes preeminent in the life of the husband or wife, and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse. Spencer W. Kimball Faith Precedes the Miracle (1972), 142–43.
One of the most dangerous, because it is the only one that appears righteousor at least justifiable. Theyre still my parents and they understand me. I just feel so lonely since we got married; Im used to talking with them every day. I have to turn to somebody impartial, so they can help me understand how to deal with you being such a jerk.
How can that be so bad? It especially interferes with young couples relying upon one another, the formation of a true eternal companionship. Time, energy, and emotional support are diverted. Jealousies and insecurities are formed, perpetuated. They suggest that you are your parents child, not an adult fully committed and connected to your partner.
How can that be so bad? When family members hear of the marital conflict or difficultieswhich will certainly occurthey will hold the grudge long after youve resolved it with your spouse. You wont be so passionate in describing how they two of you resolved your problems and have made up. They care how cute or how well he/she kisses.
You have a new family and partner. Adams first recorded revelation: Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh. Note: Adam and Eve did not have dysfunctional parents.
Guarded by four enormous walls 335 feet tall, 85 feet thick 56 miles in circumference (app. 14 miles on each side) Walls were absolutely impossible to break! The Euphrates river ran through it Source of water and waste management Underwater grates stopped underwater invasions The city could not be conquered through siege.
But the city was brought down in one day to Cyrus, king of Persia The Euphrates was diverted several miles upstream. Once the water was only shin deep, the grates were easily removed and an entrance created. Because the king of Assyrian was so unkind to his subjects, the discontented inhabitants of the city welcomed the invading forces.
The site of the ancient city of Babylon, as it looks today.
Adam and Eve were created forand dedicated toone another. (Moses 3) They labored together in a challenging world, knowing that this would be for their benefit. (Moses 5:1)
They sacrificed willingly, knowing that this would bring them closer to God. (Moses 5:5-8) They had joy, even in their challenges, as they worked together to return to their Father in Heaven. (Moses 5:9-12) They consecrated their lives to following the Lord as a couple, and fulfilled the very purposes for which they, and this world were created.
Even very good people fall prey to the well- practiced tactics of the adversary. Friends can cross over lines of propriety. Digital distractions and deceptions facilitate boundary violations. Family members can be allowed to interfere with spouses growing to rely fully upon one another. Conflict and unkindness within the marriage make us particularly vulnerable.
Clear, firm boundaries around a marriageset from the very beginningprotect and preserve Friendships change and fade into the background. Digital distractions are carefully regulated, both in time and in content. Family members are invited to step back, and play a support role to the couple. Youre not children anymore. Love and kindness prevail in such a way that no one can doubt your total devotion to one another.