6Men are From Mars Women are from Venus John Gray6
7Publication: April 1, 1992.7 million copies sold.121 weeks on best-sellers’ list.Of counseled couples in this program, only 10% have eventually ended their marriages.Extremely effective in my own counseling.
8Keep in mind, John Gray claims an amazing track record of success. Of counseled couples in this program, only 10% have eventually ended their marriages.
10Once upon a time, Martians and Venusians met and had happy relationships, and accepted their differences. Then amnesia set in and forgot they were from different planets.
11Men expected women to communicate like men Men expected women to communicate like men. Women expected men to communicate like women.
12Introduction by John Gray A week after our daughter Lauren was born, my wife Bonnie and I were completely exhausted. Each night Lauren kept waking us. Bonnie had been torn in the delivery and was taking painkillers. She could barely walk.
13IntroductionAfter five days of staying home to help, I went back to work. She seemed to be getting better. While I was away she ran out of pain pills. Instead of calling me at the office, she asked one of my brothers, who was visiting, to purchase more. My brother, however, did not return with the pills. Consequently, she spent the whole day in pain, taking care of a newborn.
14IntroductionI had no idea that her day had been so awful. When I returned home she was very upset. I misinterpreted the cause of her distress and thought she was blaming me. She said, "I've been in pain all day.... I ran out of pills. I've been stranded in bed and nobody cares!" I said defensively, "Why didn't you call me?"
15IntroductionAt this point I exploded. My fuse was also very short that day. I was angry that she hadn't called me. I was furious that she was blaming me when I didn't even know she was in pain. After exchanging a few harsh words, I headed for the door. I was fired, irritable, and had heard enough. We had both reached our limits.
16IntroductionThen something started to happen that would change my life. Bonnie said, "Stop, please don't leave. This is when I need you the most. I'm in pain. I haven't slept in days. Please listen to me."
17IntroductionShe said, "John Gray, you're a fair-weather friend! As long as I'm sweet, loving Bonnie you are here for me, but as soon as I'm not, you walk right out that door." Then she paused, and her eyes filled up with tears.
18IntroductionAs her tone shifted she said, "Right now I'm in pain. I have nothing to give, this is when I need you the most. Please, come over here and hold me. You don't have to say anything. I just need to feel your arms around me. Please don't go."
19IntroductionI walked over and silently held her. She wept in my arms. After a few minutes, she thanked me for not leaving. She told me that she just needed to feel me holding her.
20Men achieve and want to feel they have a valuable and needed purpose. Men come out of their caves (where they want to learn to work out problems on their own) and want something more.
21Men want to know that they have a needed purpose to a specific, individual soul.
22Men achieve and want to feel they have a valuable and needed purpose. They get telescopes and observe beautiful creatures on another planet. They desire to have a special needed purpose by them.
23The Venetians treasure relationships over accomplishments. The Venetians love to feel cherished. They love to feel cherished by the Martians, even though it may be a superficial at first.
24It is important to remember that men and women have reciprocally different natures. Men and women need to appreciate these differences, and cease expecting each other to act and feel the way they do.Both might know English but do not understand how to communicate to each other in marriage.
25Men love to have their abilities recognized and appreciated, and hate to have them scorned or ignored; women love to have their feelings recognized and appreciated (being cherished), and hate to have them scorned or ignored.
26Women are emotionally driven It is in the DNA.A women’s memory is 10 times more powerful if it is tied to an emotional trigger. For instance, a woman can remember what you are wearing because of emotional triggers with the appearance of the clothing.A woman has a much harder time forgetting a traumatic event or a fight with a spouse because of the emotions tied to it.
27Men are achievement driven It is in the DNA.A misconception is that boys are slower learners. Boys naturally project energy outwards (achievement based).Example. More men than women tend to be mathematicians and mechanics? Why?Problem solving and achievement driven personalities are ingrained.
28Men like to work on their own (to achieve competence), and prove and exercise their abilities by solving problems quickly and singlehandedly; women like to co-operate, and exercise their feelings through interactive communication with one another.For men – The goal is the goal.For women – Feeling cherished along the way is the goal.
29Men value solutions, and view unsolicited assistance as undermining their effort to solve problems alone; women value relationships, and view unsolicited solutions as undermining their effort to proceed interactively.Men desire that their solutions will be appreciated; women desire that their assistance will be appreciated.Women naturally improve the details of their surroundings and will inherently try to include men in these efforts.
30ExampleTwo men sit on a couch and watch a football game together. They have nothing in common but problem solve and strive towards a goal together. They have bonded.
31Example Two women watch the same game… What will they be doing to bond?
32Example So man and woman go running together. The man is focused on time, pace, getting in shape, beating previous times, etc.The woman wants to slow down because the heavy pace keeps them from visiting.Both become frustrated.BUT – Both are driven by innate desires of being man and woman.
33When faced with tough problems, men become non-communicative so they can work out how best to help themselves, while women become communicative to find personal support from others and know they are continually cherished.Men like to demonstrate their abilities by being allowed freedom to solve problems without interference; women like to demonstrate their feelings by being allowed to relate problems without interference.
34Most often, men will only ask for help when needed. Men will only want to ask help from those they respect and they feel will help accomplish the goal at hand.Frustration or aggression arises in men when others interrupt the process or tell them what to do while performing a task that they have assured themselves that they are competent accomplishing or that they can eventually solve on their own.
35Aggression especially arises if advice makes the task more difficult to perform. A message is sent that they are not adequate (NOT NEEDED) for role or the task at hand.
36Men love to feel needed. Think of how superheroes are especially admired by men or boys. Men need to know they have special and needed role.They love to have their abilities recognized and appreciated, and hate to have them scorned or ignored; women love to have their feelings recognized and appreciated, and hate to have them scorned or ignored.
37When men do communicate, they tend to get to the point, and generally only want to listen if they feel the conversation has a point (problem solved); women enjoy talking for its own sake, and are happy to listen unconditionally.
38Notice none of this is bad in and of itself Notice none of this is bad in and of itself. A man needs to know that in the woman’s life he fills a valuable place to her. A woman wants to know that she is cherished and is valuable to the man.The problems arises in how these innate desires are communicated.
39Why Might a Man be Silent Again, men like to sort their thoughts out before communicating them, and have the tendency to become distant and non-communicative as they ponder their concerns. At this time, a woman needs reassurance that her partner still rates her as worthy of being taken care of.
40Women like to sort their thoughts out in the process of communicating them, and have the tendency to pour forth a litany of general grievances as they relate their concerns. Both must try to avoid feeling personally to blame when their partners are dealing with problems.
43Various Caves - Introspection Exercise. Effective?Newspaper. Effective?Garage. Effective?Hobby. Effective?Leather chair. Effective?News. Effective?Action movie. Effective?Sports. Effective?In moderation, these caves are not harmful but extremely healthy.In excess, these caves can be harmful.
44Various CavesIf a man does not have a healthy cave, he will resort to unhealthy ones.Chemicals.Alcohol.Pornography.Eruptive anger and aggression.In cases of male depression, a counselor and counselee must ask what the healthy releases (caves) are and if the cycle of the cave is being disrupted.
45Male DepressionAlthough it is not the only reason, many men suffer depression and anxiety because they do not permit themselves caves.
46Too often, however, he is not left alone Too often, however, he is not left alone. His Venusian wife, misunderstanding his Martian need to spend time in his cave and misinterpreting his retreat as a rejection of her, counters by pressing a load of intimacy on him at the very moment he is most unwilling (and unable) to receive it.Granted, there is a legitimate problem if the cave is used excessively. Generally, the rubber band will stretch back to the woman and she will find him warm and receptive after he has effectively processed the details of life in proper perspective.
47Men are Caves, Women are Waves Women, on the other hand, are like waves. At one moment a woman will be filled with love and praise for her husband and positive about their life together. At the next, she will suddenly fall into an emotional well and speak in hyperbolic terms about how terrible her life is and how tired and worn out she feels.
50When she is down and doesn’t feel she gives enough or has any more to give… In response, her husband feels rejected and attempts to talk her out of her depression. He can’t. She needs to go through this cycle.The wife does not need or desire to have her emotional stress explained away rationally. What she needs is simply to be held and understood, affirmed, cherished, and validated.
51ValuesMen like to offer solutions directly to women, when a problem arises, while women, offer unsolicited advice.When men do this, it invalidates the women’s feelings, and men do not like to be “told what to do”, especially if they didn’t ask for advice.
52How women perceive the pulling away Being extremely perceptive,,a woman KNOWS when the rubber band pulls a man back (even though she does not understand it) and may feel it is personal rejection. If a woman understands these natural processes at work, she can understand that she can actually use it to her advantage (1) to utilize friendships and family during these times; (2) to love her husband in assisting him through this; and, (3) to be assured her husband will return more able to cherish and embrace her.
53What if the rubber band pulls when a woman is in a low trough A man will endure unresolved stress if he does not allow the rubber band to pull back. It is in his nature.A woman will feel defeated if she is not cherished during a trough. There are two possible solutions. The man delays the rubber band for a time longer. Or the woman seeks other healthy support. Gray believes that this is best for the woman because her husband is also at a point where he can not provide the full empathy that she desires and needs.
54Resolving Conflict Questions. Expressing feelings in non-threatening way.If the trash was taken out, it would make me happy.Never pose criticisms.Never pose imperatives.Men want to FEEL NEEDED and can focus that on a marriage.Women want to know they are CHERISHED and can maximize that in cherishing the man.
55Example.Woman comes home and wants to talk about her stressful day. To deal with the stress, she ______________ through it.The programming of the man (who loves his wife) causes him to pause and sort things through. He feels he is problem solving for her because he cares for her.The woman is upset. Why doesn’t he affirm her the second she is finished speaking?
56The man becomes upset. He is problem solving because he care The man becomes upset. He is problem solving because he care. Why doesn’t his wife understand that? Why isn’t she grateful that he does want to help solve her problem?When the man does speak, he tries to fix her problem.The woman is upset again. She does not need to be fixed, but affirmed and cherished.
57She is noticeably upset. The man feels un-needed and consequently hurt. He can not understand why his efforts to care for her are not met with appreciation.The man desires to withdraw to his cave all the more.The woman feels this withdrawal, feels uncherished, and pursues.
58With the pursuit, the man feels crticized that he has not done enough With the pursuit, the man feels crticized that he has not done enough. He feels un-needed and inadequate. This hurts him. He wants to withdraw to his cave all the more for introspection and retrospection. It is in his nature.The mutual hurt compounds upon itself.
59Keep in mind why there is hurt They HURT for the fact that they DO CARE!!!!!The man wants to be there for her. The woman wants to be cherished by him.The couple misunderstands the underlying principals of their genders at work in them.
60Review the Opening Illustration Bonnie wanted affirmation. A woman would have known exactly what to do.John had a stressful day. He was also exhausted and in need of his cave. He was at his lowest point to be affirmative. Regardless, he tried to show that he wanted to fix the situation because he cared for Bonnie.Bonnie did not want to be fixed, but validated.
61Review the Opening Illustration Seeing Bonnie upset, John felt that he was inadequate and failed at being needed and having purpose in the marriage.Feeling hurt by Bonnie, John erupted in anger.Bonnie then got it right. She directed John to the truth that she merely wanted to be cherished. His desire to be needed could be re-directed to effectively serving a woman – Affirmation.
62Deep inside every man there is a hero or a knight in shining armor Deep inside every man there is a hero or a knight in shining armor. More than anything, he wants to succeed in serving and protecting the woman he loves. When he feels trusted, he is able to tap into this noble part of himself. He becomes more caring. When he doesn't feel trusted he loses some of his aliveness and energy, and after a while he can stop caring. Imagine a knight in shining armor traveling through the countryside. Suddenly he hears a woman crying out in distress. In an instant he comes alive. Urging his horse to a gallop, he races to her castle, where she is trapped by a dragon. The noble knight pulls out his sword and slays the dragon. As a result, he is lovingly received by the princess.
63He is invited to live in the town and us acknowledged as a hero He is invited to live in the town and us acknowledged as a hero. He and the princess fall in love.A month later the noble knight goes off on another trip. On his way back, he hears his beloved princess crying out for help. Another dragon has attacked the castle. When the knight arrives he pulls out his sword to slay the dragon. Before he swings, the princess cries out from the tower, "don't use your sword, use this noose. It will work better.“ She throws him the noose and motions to him instructions about how to use it. He hesitantly follows her instructions. He wraps it around the dragon's neck and then pulls hard.
64The dragon dies and everyone rejoices The dragon dies and everyone rejoices. At the celebration dinner the knight feels he didn't really do anything. Somehow, because he used her noose and didn't use his sword, he doesn't quite feel worthy of the town's trust and admiration. After the event he is slightly depressed and forgets to shine his armor. A month later, he goes on yet another trip.
65As he leaves with his sword, the princess reminds him to be careful and tells him to take the noose. On his way home, he sees yet another dragon attacking the castle. This time he rushes forward with his sword but hesitates, thinking maybe he should use the noose. In that moment of hesitation, the dragon breathes fire and burns his right arm. In confusion he looks up and sees his princess waving from the castle window. “Use the poison," she yells. "the noose doesn't work.“ She throws him the poison, which he pours into the dragon's mouth, and the dragon dies. Everyone rejoices and celebrates, but the knight feels ashamed. A month later, he goes on another trip.
66With a burst of renewed confidence he throws off the noose and poison and charges the dragon with his trusted sword. He slays the dragon and the townspeople rejoice. The knight in shining armor never returned to his princess. He stayed in this new village and lived happily ever after. He eventually married, but only after making sure his new partner knew nothing about nooses and poisons. Remembering that within every man is a knight in shining armor is a powerful metaphor to help you remember a man's primary needs. Although a man may appreciate caring and assistance sometimes, too much of it will lessen his confidence or turn him off.
67But the reality is that the knight did fill a very important and vital part of the life of the first princess, but it was never communicated properly!
68John Gray’s Personal Example While travelling, he forgot his passport.His wife used to… (What could be negative).His wife said… (What could be positive).She made him feel solution based and able to overcome difficulty.John felt appreciated.SPOUSES ARE NEVER PERFECT. ACCEPT THIS AND MOST OF THE BATTLE IS WON. LOOK FOR WHAT CAN BE HONESTLY AFFIRMED.
69Motivation Men feel motivated when they feel needed and appreciated. Women are motivated when they feel cherished.
70Oxytocin Oxytocin raises testosterone in men. Oxytocin raises estrogen in women.
71Intimacy A man gets close, but then inevitably needs to pull away Women need to understand this, and understand that when he retreats, he will swing back like a rubber band
72To stop communication degenerating into arguments, men should strive to listen without getting defensive, and women should try to express their feelings without criticizing their partners.
73Men and Women Keep Score Men think that one Big gift orsacrifice, balances many littlesigns of affection.Ex. $200 gift = 20 acts of love or service.Women put equal values on each loving act.Ex. $200 gift = 1 act of love or service.
74Men and Women Keep Score The danger for men is to thinkthat gifts and sacrifices need toPrevious ones. They will reach aplateau of inactivity where they feel limited to do something bigger than before.The reality is that a rose every week means more than a diamond or big trip once a year.
75A brief note on homosexuality When a man or woman feel that they are incapable of a relationship with the opposite sex, men tend to become more feminine and women more masculine.After all, men and women already do not naturally know how to communicate with other. The deck is stacked against them to begin with.
76Honest CritiqueI personally believe there should be a footnote on men’s caves. In my experience with young husbands, these caves are often over-used and abused. They become a chief priority over marriage. This is why I believe Jimmy Evan’s DVD set (Marriage on the Rock) is a wonderful complement.
77The DVD is excellent for counseling and serving as a Bible Study complement. Only use the first, shorter DVD. The second digresses into health foods and supplements for low testosterone and low estrogen.