2WHAT IS LOVE? (Answers from a Group of 4 to 8 year olds) “Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.” (Karl - age 5)“Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.” (Noelle - age 7)“Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.” (Tommy – age 6)“Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken.” (Elaine - age 5)
3“I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her.” (Bethany - age 4)“When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.” (Karen - age 7)“Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn’t think it’s gross.” (Mark – age 6)“You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.”(Jessica - age 8)“I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.”(Lauren – age 4)
4President David O. McKay said: “In answer to my question, “How may we know when we are in love?”… if you meet a girl in whose presence you feel a desire to achieve, who inspires you to do your best, and to make the most of yourself, such a young woman is worthy of your love and is awakening love in your heart. I submit that as a true guide.. And I ask you young women to cherish that same guide.. When a young man accompanies you after a meeting, or after a dance, and he shows an inclination to use you as a convenience or as a means of gratification, then you may put it down that he is not prompted by love.”
5President Thomas S. Monson said: “Love is the catalyst that causes change. Love is the balm that brings healing to the soul. Where Love is, there is no disputation. Where love is, there is no contention. Where love is, there God will be also… True love is a reflection of Christ’s love.”ELDER MATTHEW COWLEY SAID:“True love is not looking at each other in one of these old-fashioned loveseats looking into each other’s eyes. That isn’t true love. True love is that love which comes into your heart and motivates your life when you arise from the altar and both of you look in the same direction, down through eternity. That is true love, where both are looking in the same direction.”
6Living Worthy of the Girl you will someday Marry. (C. R Living Worthy of the Girl you will someday Marry! (C.R., President Gordon B. Hinckley, April, 1998)As I looked at that gathering of beautiful young women the question moved through my mind. “Are we rearing a generation of young men worthy of them?”Those girls are so fresh and vibrant. They are beautiful. They are bright. They are able. They are faithful. They are virtuous. They are true. They are simply wonderful and delightful young women.The girl you marry will take a terrible chance on you.That obligation begins with absolute loyalty. As the old Church of England ceremony says, you will marry her “for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, for better of for worse.” You will be hers and her alone. There can be eyes for none other. There must be absolute loyalty, undeviating loyalty one to another. Hopefully you will marry her forever, in the house of the Lord, under the authority of the everlasting priesthood. Through all the days of your lives, you must be as true one to another as the polar star.
7Keep yourselves free from: The girl you marry can expect you to come to the marriage altar absolutely clean. She can expect you to be a young man of virtue in thought and word and deed.Keep yourselves free from:Sleazy talk at schoolSultry JokesPornographic materialAlcoholDrugsProfanityAnger (if you have a temper, now is the time to learn to control it)Road RageThe girl you marry is worthy of a husband whose life has not been tainted by ugly and corrosive material.
8I constantly deal with those cases of members of the church who have been married in the temple and who later divorce and then apply for a cancellation of their temple sealing's. When first married, they are full of great expectations, with a wonderful spirit of happiness. But the flower of love fades in an atmosphere of criticism and carping, of mean words and uncontrolled anger. Love flies out the window as contention enters.Work for an education. Get all the training that you can. The world will largely pay you what it thinks you are worth.Your wife will be fortunate indeed if she doesn’t have to go out and compete in the marketplace.Education is the key to economic opportunity.Be modest in your wants.
9The girl who marries you will not wish to be married to a tightwad The girl who marries you will not wish to be married to a tightwad. Neither will she wish to be married to a spendthrift. She will wish to be married to someone who loves her, who trust her, who walks beside her, who is her very best friend and companion. She will wish to be married to someone who encourages her in her Church activity and in community activities which will help her to develop her talents and make a greater contribution to society. She will want to be married to someone who has a sense of service to others, who is disposed to contribute to the Church and to other good causes. She will wish to be married to someone who loves the Lord and seeks to do His will.
10Counterfeits of Love Infatuation: Two of the most common counterfeits of love are infatuation and lust.How would you define infatuation?What thoughts, feelings, and conduct are associated with infatuation?’Somebody once offered this explanation of the difference between love and infatuation:
11Infatuation is when you think that: He’s as sexy as Mel GibsonAs smart as Albert EinsteinAs noble as Winston ChurchillAs funny as Jim CarreyAs athletic as Rocky Balboa
12Love is when you realize that: He’s as sexy as Jim CarreyAs smart as Rocky BalboaAs funny as Winston ChurchillAs athletic as Albert EinsteinNothing like Mel Gibson in anycategorybut you’ll take him anyway.
13Infatuation versus Love Feeling smitten when you’re Love just as much when you’re aparttogetherSo obsessed you can hardly eat So secure and happy that you eatsensiblyInability to keep your mind on your Able to study and excel more becausework, to concentrate or study you want to work hard for them. They bring out your bestHappens very quickly Takes time to grow
14Swept away in a current of lust Swept away in a current of lust Physical attraction that wants to pleasewith the basic desire of sexual them based on deep admiration andgratification love for that personTry to live your life through them Respecting their individualityor have them live through youMakes you want a solution for Can be alone and not lonelylonelinessFeverish excitement and miserable Confident and able to wait. Feeling ofuncertainty until you can be warmth and securityTogether again
15Afraid to show who you are, only Can show all sides of yourself and show candy-coated parts know they’ll still love you Needs continual assurance of being Secure and independent, allowing loved and is very insecure and room for you both to differ dependent Disagreements often become Disagreements lead to compromise quarrels Opinions of others can make you Criticisms of the one you love have doubts about the one you love sharpens your attachment Feelings of jealously Confidence you belong together Feelings of desperation make you Express a kind, even disposition and a edgy and short-tempered feeling of goodwill towards others
16Monetary greed in relationships Willing to struggle, share, and trust Count the things they’ve done to Think of ways to show that you love prove they love you them Sense of being unable to function Wants companionship, but doesn’t alone need it If they lost their position or You’ll be with them no matter what monetary status, you would leave situation may arise Feeling of needing to control or be Don’t want to control. Equally enjoy controlled by them each other’s strengths (Dating, No Guts, No Glory by Joni Hilton, Covenant Communications Inc.)
17Elder Marvin J. Ashton said: “True love demands action…Love is a process. Love is not a declaration. Love is not an announcement. Love is not a passing fancy…Love is not a convenience…True love takes time” (Ensign, Nov. 1975, 108). Infatuation tends toward inaction, that is, the person can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t study, can’t think about anything else, loses balance, sets important goals aside.’ It is shallow, an overnight sensation, love at first sight.
18What about “Love at First Sight?” President Spencer W. Kimball said: “Many people think of [love] as mere physical attraction and they casually speak of ‘falling in love’ and ‘love at first sight.’ This may be Hollywood's version and the interpretation of those who write love songs and love fiction. True love is not wrapped in such flimsy material. One might become immediately attracted to another individual, but love is far more than physical attraction” (Faith Precedes the Miracle, 157).
19What about the belief in a “One and Only”, or Soul Mate chosen in pre-mortal life? President Joseph Fielding Smith said:“We have no scriptural justification whatever for the belief that we had the privilege of choosing our parents and our life companions in the spirit world. This belief has been advocated by some, and it’s possible that in some instances it is true, but it would require too great a stretch of the imagination to believe it to be so in all, or even in the majority of cases” (Ways to Perfection, 44).
20President Kimball Said: “Soul mates” are fiction and an illusion; and while every young man and woman will seek with all diligence an prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price.”
21“How do people in love typically behave?” What in the World is Love? (children’s answers to questions they were asked relative to love)“How do people in love typically behave?”“When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they don’t get up for at least an hour.” (Wendy age 8)“All of a sudden people get movie fever so they can sit together in the dark.” (Sherm, age 8)“No one is sure why it happens, but I hear it has something to do with how you smell… that’s why perfume and deodorant are so popular.” (Manual, age 8)
22“What is falling in love like?” “Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.” (John, age 9)“If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don’t want to do it. It takes too long!” (Glenn, age 7)
23“What is the role of beauty and handsomeness in love?” “It isn’t always just how you look. Look at me. I’m handsome like anything and I haven’t got anybody to marry me yet.”(Brian, age 7)“Why do couples often hold hands?”“They want to make sure their rings don’t fall off because they paid good money for them.” (Gavin, age 8)“What is your personal opinion on love?”“Love will find you, even If you are trying to hide from it. I’ve been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.” (Dave, age 8)“I’m not rushing into love, I’m finding 4th grade hard enough.”(Regina, age 10)
24“What are some sure-fire ways to make a person fall in love with you “What are some sure-fire ways to make a person fall in love with you?” “Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores.” (Del, age 6) “Shake your hips and hope for the best” (Camille, age 9) “One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it’s something she likes to eat. French fries usually work for me.” (Bart, age 9)
25“What are most people thinking when they say ‘I love you’? “The person is thinking: Yea, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day.” (Michelle, age 9)“Some might get real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat.” (Dick, age 7)
26“How do you keep love growing?” “Don’t forget your wife’s name… that will mess up the love.” (Erin, age 8)“Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash.”(Erin, age 8)“Don’t say you love somebody and then change your mind. Love isn’t like picking what movie you want to watch.” (Natalie, age 9)
27Text book Answers:“Love is such a paradox, and exists in such an endless variety of forms and shades, that you may say almost anything about it you please, and it is likely to be correct” (Finck, 1902).“Love is the strange bewilderment which overtakes one person on account of another” (Thurber and White, 1929).“Love is an itchy feeling around the heart that you can’t scratch” (Magoun, 1948).
28KEEPING LOVE ALIVE!In our culture marriage is valued as the highest form of living. Boyd K. Packer said, “No relationship has more potential to exalt a man and a woman than the marriage covenant. No obligation in society or in the Church supersedes it in importance.” “No one can degrade marriage without tarnishing other words such as boy, girl, manhood, womanhood husband, wife, father, mother, baby, children, family, home.”
29Marital Do’s Simple kindness: A simple 5:1 ratio of kindness to negative-ness in marriage.If a couple is five times as nice as they are nasty to each other, the marriage will succeed and remain happy.Sincere compliments, gestures of affection.Frequently communicate, frequently listen.Date, court, and get away together. The weekly date, the quarterly rendezvous, the yearly getaway are not optional in keeping vibrant, healthy, exciting marriage.Be “ONE,” partner up in home/family responsibilities.
30Marital Don’ts Never turn to a third party in a time of trouble. Never joke at the other’s expense.Never talk behind your spouse’s back.Do not misuse anger to hurt your spouse.
31Remember the “Four Horsemen” Criticism: Involves attacking someone’s personality of character rather than a specific behavior. It usually comes in the form of blaming, accusations, passing judgments (complaining can be healthy and appropriate for solving problems in a marriage because it attacks specific behaviors or airs anger and disagreement rather than being critical of the person. It also begins with “I” rather than “you”).Contempt: Picks up where criticism left off but takes it to the next more destructive level. Contempt is the intent to insult or psychologically hurt/abuse your spouse. Contempt is fueled by negative thoughts about your partner. (You might recognize contempt as an immediate decay of admiration for your spouse; it usually show up as insults, name-calling, hostile humor, mockery, and looks of disgust, rolling eyes). A good way to neutralize contempt is to stop seeing arguments as a way to retaliate but as needed attempts to change a problem.
323. Defensiveness: Is the third horseman 3. Defensiveness: Is the third horseman. Defensiveness is often a natural reaction to feeling victimized by someone. The behavior that goes with it is the problem, because it tends to escalate the conflict rather than solving it. Defensiveness includes: playing the innocent victim, denying responsibility, making excuses, cross-complaining (meeting your partners complaint with one of your own), yes butting (agreeing but immediately disagreeing), and whining. Being genuinely open, receptive, and willing to take responsibility or help out is the best way to stop this negative escalation.4. Stonewalling: Is the final step in this destructive dance. Stonewalling happens during interactions and conversations. The person removes himself by turning into a stone wall. Nothing is fed back into the interaction. Stonewalling communicates disapproval, icy distance, and smugness. The message is always the same: I am withdrawing, disengaging from any meaningful interaction with you. We all stonewall, at times even inadvertently; the key here is habitualness.
33What in Heaven is Love?In contrast, prophets have given helpful insights into what love really is. President Spencer W. Kimball said: “What is love? It is deep, inclusive, and comprehensive. Physical attraction is only one of the many elements; there must be faith and confidence and understanding and partnership. There must be common ideals and standards. There must be great devotion and companionship. Love is cleanliness and progress and sacrifice and selflessness. This kind of love never tires or wanes, but lives through sickness and sorrow, poverty and privation, accomplishment and disappointment, time and eternity. For the love to continue, there must be an increase constantly of confidence and understanding, of frequent and sincere expression of appreciation and affection. There must be a forgetting of self and a constant concern for the other” (Faith Precedes the Miracle, ).
34Elder John A. Widstoe said: “There is no true love without sacrifice for the loved one” (CR, April 1951, 99). “The beginning of love is usually physical attraction. There are gifts of body, of face and form, of eyes and voice, that awaken desire for acquaintanceship and possession. That is nature’s way, respected by all sensible people…Above physical charm, love is begotten by qualities, often subtle, of mind and spirit. The beautiful face may hide an empty mind; the sweet voice may utter coarse words; the lovely form may be ill-mannered; the woman of radiant beauty and the man of kingly form may be intolerable bores on nearer acquaintanceship; or, the person who looks attractive may really have no faults, may excel us in knowledge and courtesy, yet he is not of our kind, his ways are not ours…Falling in love’ is always from within, rather than from without…The man and his wife, to make love secure, must have much the same outlook on the major issues of life; they must grow in the same direction” (Evidences and Reconciliations ).
35Elder Marvin J. Ashton said: Elder Richard G. Scott said:“Love, as defined by the Lord, elevates, protects, respects, and enriches another. It motivates one to make sacrifices for another.”Elder Marvin J. Ashton said:“One who loves has and feels responsibility…Love demands action” (Ensign, May 1981, 23).
36Developing Christ Like Love: Allen Bergin said:“The divine model of relationships embraces at least three great gospel principles: namely, obedience, sacrifice, and dedication of self, each being at a possibly higher order of development and each dependent upon progress in the others” (Student Manual, 99).
37OBEDIENCE: Allen Bergin suggested that we cannot develop the capacity to love others until we obediently submit our will to God, because it is this oneness with them that enables us to establish oneness with others. He asked the questions: “Did the Savior obtain his power to love completely, and thus to redeem us, by virtue of submission to his father, a submission that was loving and voluntary? Do we like wise gain the capacity to love and participate in the redemptive process as we voluntarily and lovingly submit ourselves to the will of the Savior and our Father? It seems that this is exactly what the Lord taught. Our unity with them is a result of obedience and love; and this oneness with a higher power in turn enables us to love more effectively and become one with each other.”
38SACRIFICE: John 3:16 reads: “For God [the Father] so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son..” D&C 34:3 reads: “[Christ] so loved the world that he gave his own life..” In both of these verses, the key word seems to be “gave.” True love means giving or ourselves. It means sacrifice.
39Allen Bergin noted: “No one can suffer as much as the Lord did, and no one can give up as much as he did. How then, can any man who believes in Him fail to suffer and sacrifice of self. Otherwise, our capacity to resist and persist is weakened, our suffering loses its meaning, and we cannot develop sufficient empathy and love.” We simply cannot develop the capacity to really love others without being willing to sacrifice and suffer for them or, perhaps, because of them.
40DEDICATION OF SELF: Allen Bergin said: “Out of suffering emerges love DEDICATION OF SELF: Allen Bergin said: “Out of suffering emerges love. Love, in turn, involves dedicating [consecrating] one’s self to blessing others.” Speaking of the role of a man in the home, Bergin said “this role must be one of a servant - a sacrificer - not a ruler…” As we dedicate or consecrate ourselves to serving and sacrificing for others, our capacity to love them increases. Christ was the perfect example of this. He stated: “For behold this is my work and glory, to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man” (Moses 1:39).
41Lust: President Kimball said: “Many rationalize that this attraction of two unmarried people is love, and they seek thereby to justify their intimate relations. This is one of the most false of all of Satan’s lies. It is lust, not love, which brings men and women to fornication and adultery. No person would injure one he truly loves, and sexual sin can only result in injury.” Elder John A. Widstoe said: “Love is always founded in truth… Lies and deceit, or any other violation of the moral laws, are proofs of love’s absence. Love perishes in the midst of untruth… loves does not offend or hurt or injure the loved one… Love is a positive active force. It helps the loved one. If there is a need, love tries to supply it. If there is a weakness, love supplants it with strength.”
42Self-Indulgence:First, lust often results from an illusion of self indulgence. For many people in America, the hunger for food, power, wealth, and emotional satisfaction knows no bounds. There is a belief that one can continue to consume food and energy at whatever rate we want and the supplies will never run out. When applied to love, the illusion of self-indulgence is that we can gratify our sexual appetites quickly, easily, and repeatedly and that passion and fulfillment will never run out. Our appetites and passions must be bridled to be enjoyed to their fullest. Studies show that unlimited gratification leads not to increased pleasure but to decreasing pleasure and satisfaction and greater boredom.
43Fragmentation:Fragmentation is the illusion that one can have true unity and love by developing only one aspect of a relationship, such as the sexual dimension. When two people engage in sexual intimacies before marriage, the physical closeness they feel creates the illusion that they are also close in other ways, and that what they are feeling, then is love. The world would have us believe that love can be developed in five days on a ocean liner cruising the Pacific or over a weekend while living on an island devoted to fantasy. We understand that relationships take longer to develop, and yet we act as if “falling in love” is somehow different.
44In reality, the emotional, intellectual, and spiritual dimensions that are essential to love are largely, if not completely, ignored. When these other dimensions are absent, a couple engages in more frequent and more intimate behavior to try and fill the void left by the other dimensions. Dr. Brown noted: “Two people may marry for physical gratification and then discover that the illusion of union collapses under the weight of [emotional] intellectual, social, and spiritual incompatibilities.” True love, as experienced in marriage, requires that we develop a complete relationship with the other person, spiritual, emotional, intellectual, social, and physical.
45Bruce Hafen described this idea in another way. He compared a relationship to a pyramid, with the base of the pyramid being friendship. The second level is understanding. The third level respect. The fourth level restraint. And the very top of the pyramid is what he called “a glittering little mystery called romance.” If one turns the pyramid upside down by allowing physical intimacy to come first and then expecting romance to hold everything else up, the pyramid will fall.Physical intimacy simply cannot sustain a relationship.
46DENIAL:The third illusion that leads to lust in denial. Denial is the illusion that we are not really responsible for our own behavior or responsible for how our behavior effects others. If we can convince ourselves that it is someone else’s fault, someone else’s responsibility, then we can engage in any kind of behavior we want without feeling guilty. Many want the freedom to choose whatever behavior they want to engage in, but then protest when the natural consequences of their behavior occur. For example, all BYU-I students agreed to live the Code of honor. But, when some are suspended for violating the code of Honor, they protest, saying that it is unfair. In our society we often see behaviors but do not see the consequences of those behaviors. Thus, many seem to conclude that there really are no consequences of behaviors.
47For example, when we hear of date rape, rarely do we learn of the physical, emotional, social, and psychological damage that resulted. We may conclude that there really aren’t any serious consequences and that it is O.K.We see it in sports. We can watch a football game and witness an athlete sustain a knee injury. As he lays on the field, we may eve feel annoyed that he is delaying the game. When he is carried off the field, the story ends for most fans. But, they are unaware of the consequences of that injury, the months and months of painful rehabilitation. We may see the same athlete on the field the next season. It gives the illusion that there are no consequences, no real risk involved.
48We may even coldly quote statistics of abuse, divorce, or premarital sex without ever pondering what those statistics mean in terms of individual and family suffering. So, because we don’t see the consequences, we may conclude there are none and engage in the same unworthy behaviors ourselves. Many want to tamper with love and the procreative powers, because they seemingly believe that as long as no one finds out, there will be no consequences. Or, even if someone does find out, they can still repent.
49Masters and Johnson published a study some years ago in which they interviewed a group of “swingers” (couples who swap spouses to have sex).Each of the couples reported that they had experienced no jealousy with their spouses and that it actually enlivened and improved their marriage.Many read that report.Few read the follow-up report, completed one year later involving the same couples.Most of the couples had divorced.Those who hadn’t divorced, had decided that they could not continue their “swinging” and stay married.It is an illusion to believe that we can do anything we want and not experience the consequences.