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Romantic Love,Real LoveAnd The Cycle of Relationships Romantic Love,Real LoveAnd The Cycle of Relationships Lecture 21a COMMMUNICATION IN EVERYDAY LIFE.

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Presentation on theme: "Romantic Love,Real LoveAnd The Cycle of Relationships Romantic Love,Real LoveAnd The Cycle of Relationships Lecture 21a COMMMUNICATION IN EVERYDAY LIFE."— Presentation transcript:

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2 Romantic Love,Real LoveAnd The Cycle of Relationships Romantic Love,Real LoveAnd The Cycle of Relationships Lecture 21a COMMMUNICATION IN EVERYDAY LIFE

3 KEY EXPECTATION OF A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP Experience a mysterious and inexplicable "magic" in one another's presence.

4 FALLING IN LOVE SEX-LINKED EROTIC EXPERIENCE -THE CHEMICAL COCKTAIL. SEX-LINKED EROTIC EXPERIENCE -THE CHEMICAL COCKTAIL. EFFORTLESS -TALK IS EASY EFFORTLESS -TALK IS EASY COLLAPSE OF EGO BOUNDARIES ALWAYS PASSES COLLAPSE OF EGO BOUNDARIES ALWAYS PASSES NO EXTENSION OF SELF - NO REACHING BEYOND GOOD FEELING NO EXTENSION OF SELF - NO REACHING BEYOND GOOD FEELING

5 The Language of Romantic Love The Phenomena of Recognition Recognition Weve just met, but I feel like I already know you.Weve just met, but I feel like I already know you. Timelessness Timelessness Feels like Ive always known you.Feels like Ive always known you. Reunification Reunification When Im with you I feel complete. Ive found my other half.When Im with you I feel complete. Ive found my other half. Necessity Necessity I cant lie without you.I cant lie without you. H. Hendrix, getting the Love You Want H. Hendrix, getting the Love You Want

6 Romantic Love is an emotional brain Phenomena Falling in love Falling in love Emotional brain - fuses image of lover with primary caretakerEmotional brain - fuses image of lover with primary caretaker Intimate love is the ultimate in caretaking Intimate love is the ultimate in caretaking Illusion of safety and securityIllusion of safety and security Total absorptionTotal absorption Instinctual bonding Instinctual bonding The way a mother bonds with infantThe way a mother bonds with infant Not the same as mature or real love Not the same as mature or real love That requires consciousnessThat requires consciousness

7 REAL LOVE (COMMITMENT): SCOTT PECK THE WILL TO EXTEND ONESELF FOR THE PURPOSE OF NURTURING ONES OWN OR ANOTHERS SPIRITUAL GROWTH THE WILL TO EXTEND ONESELF FOR THE PURPOSE OF NURTURING ONES OWN OR ANOTHERS SPIRITUAL GROWTH TIES SELF-LOVE WITH LOVE FOR OTHER TIES SELF-LOVE WITH LOVE FOR OTHER REQUIRES EFFORT - D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. REQUIRES EFFORT - D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. ACT OF MINDFULNESS - WILL, CHOICE ACT OF MINDFULNESS - WILL, CHOICE

8 MYTH OF ROMANTIC LOVE THERE IS ANOTHER MEANT FOR YOU - TRUE LOVE THERE IS ANOTHER MEANT FOR YOU - TRUE LOVE RECOGNITION OF THIS OTHER -YOU FALL IN LOVE RECOGNITION OF THIS OTHER -YOU FALL IN LOVE PERFECT MATCH - SATISFY EACH OTHER FOREVER PERFECT MATCH - SATISFY EACH OTHER FOREVER FALL OUT OF LOVE - DREADFUL MISTAKE FALL OUT OF LOVE - DREADFUL MISTAKE SEARCH AGAIN SEARCH AGAIN CULTURAL BURDEN CULTURAL BURDEN

9 MASS MEDIA AND ROMANCE TRADITIONAL FORMULA: TRADITIONAL FORMULA: THE ENCOUNTER: COURTSHIP THE ENCOUNTER: COURTSHIP THE CONFRONTATION: LOVERS QUARREL THE CONFRONTATION: LOVERS QUARREL THE SEDUCTION: SEXUAL- INTELLECTUAL THE SEDUCTION: SEXUAL- INTELLECTUAL CONFESSION OF LOVE: AFTER FIGHTING CONFESSION OF LOVE: AFTER FIGHTING MARRIAGE: NO DRAMA AFTER THIS MARRIAGE: NO DRAMA AFTER THIS REALITY TV HAS IMPROVED ON THIS SITUATION - THROUGH SHOWS LIKE JESSICA AND NICK or DR. PHIL REALITY TV HAS IMPROVED ON THIS SITUATION - THROUGH SHOWS LIKE JESSICA AND NICK or DR. PHIL WHERE THE DRAMA IS IN THEIR INCOMPETENCE RE DAILY LIFE SKILLSWHERE THE DRAMA IS IN THEIR INCOMPETENCE RE DAILY LIFE SKILLS

10 LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS 1. COMING TOGETHER 1. COMING TOGETHER 5 SUB-STAGES 5 SUB-STAGES 2. COMING APART 2. COMING APART 5 SUB-STAGES 5 SUB-STAGES MAINTAINING RELATIONSHIPS MAINTAINING RELATIONSHIPS

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12 Romantic Love,Real LoveAnd The Cycle of Relationships Romantic Love,Real LoveAnd The Cycle of Relationships Lecture 21b COMMMUNICATION IN EVERYDAY LIFE

13 LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS COMING TOGETHER COMING TOGETHER ANSWERING THE THREE KEY QUESTIONS ANSWERING THE THREE KEY QUESTIONS REDUCING UNCERTAINTY REDUCING UNCERTAINTY

14 THE THREE KEY QUESTIONS Whats going on? Whats going on? The purpose of the talk, are we going to get through this conversation smoothly?The purpose of the talk, are we going to get through this conversation smoothly?. Who am I to you and who are you to me in this situation? Particularly noticeable at moments like the first time you meet someoneParticularly noticeable at moments like the first time you meet someone We let others know about the kind of people we are and how they are (in our eyes)We let others know about the kind of people we are and how they are (in our eyes) What is going to happen next? What is going to happen next? Are we going to do something together (instrumental), or simply connect in the moment (relational). Discovering what we are going to do next also shapes our communication in the moment.Are we going to do something together (instrumental), or simply connect in the moment (relational). Discovering what we are going to do next also shapes our communication in the moment.

15 LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS COMING TOGETHER COMING TOGETHER 1. INITIATING 1. INITIATING INVITATIONAL COMMUNICATION: SCAN EACH OTHER FOR INTEREST - WATCH RESPONSE INVITATIONAL COMMUNICATION: SCAN EACH OTHER FOR INTEREST - WATCH RESPONSE CONNECT TALK: RITUAL CONVERSATION STARTERS CONNECT TALK: RITUAL CONVERSATION STARTERS CAUTIOUS VS. CONVENTIONAL - AR CAUTIOUS VS. CONVENTIONAL - AR

16 LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS 2. EXPERIMENTING 2. EXPERIMENTING TRY DIFFERENT TOPICS - CONNECT TALK-LOOKING FOR TRY DIFFERENT TOPICS - CONNECT TALK-LOOKING FOR SIMILARITIES - SOMETHING IN COMMON SIMILARITIES - SOMETHING IN COMMON ANY PERCEIVED RECIPROCITY OF LIKING ANY PERCEIVED RECIPROCITY OF LIKING 3. INTENSIFYING 3. INTENSIFYING INCREASE RELATIONSHIP DEPTH THRU PERSONAL KNOWLEDGE - self-disclosure - opening box 3 INCREASE RELATIONSHIP DEPTH THRU PERSONAL KNOWLEDGE - self-disclosure - opening box 3 PHYSICAL CLOSENESS PHYSICAL CLOSENESS CREATING A PRIVATE CULTURE CREATING A PRIVATE CULTURE

17 LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS 4. INTEGRATING 4. INTEGRATING THEY AND OTHERS CONSIDERS THEM A COUPLE THEY AND OTHERS CONSIDERS THEM A COUPLE SYMBOLIC ID - RING, OUR SONG, PLACE SYMBOLIC ID - RING, OUR SONG, PLACE VALUE MORE OF SAME THINGS, FOCUS ON SOME PARTS OF PERSONALITY-MINIMIZE OTHERS VALUE MORE OF SAME THINGS, FOCUS ON SOME PARTS OF PERSONALITY-MINIMIZE OTHERS REINFORCES THE CONSISTENCY PRINCIPLE: The more we communicate with someone similar to us on the surface, the more similar we become to them in deeper ways, e.g. in our attitudes towards particular issues. REINFORCES THE CONSISTENCY PRINCIPLE: The more we communicate with someone similar to us on the surface, the more similar we become to them in deeper ways, e.g. in our attitudes towards particular issues. WE ARE CREATING AN US WE ARE CREATING AN US CAN LEAD TO A COMMITMENT TO PERMANENCY CAN LEAD TO A COMMITMENT TO PERMANENCY 5. BONDING 5. BONDING FORMAL RITUALS -ENGAGEMENT, MARRIAGE, LIVE TOGETHER FORMAL RITUALS -ENGAGEMENT, MARRIAGE, LIVE TOGETHER GAIN SOCIAL SUPPORT - ESTABLISH RELATIONSHIP RULES GAIN SOCIAL SUPPORT - ESTABLISH RELATIONSHIP RULES

18 LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS COMING APART COMING APART 1. DIFFERENTIATING 1. DIFFERENTIATING NOTICE AND FOCUS ON DIFFERENCES NOTICE AND FOCUS ON DIFFERENCES

19 TALKING ABOUT COMING APART

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21 Romantic Love,Real LoveAnd The Cycle of Relationships Romantic Love,Real LoveAnd The Cycle of Relationships Lecture 21c COMMMUNICATION IN EVERYDAY LIFE

22 LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS COMING APART COMING APART 1. DIFFERENTIATING 1. DIFFERENTIATING NOTICE AND FOCUS ON DIFFERENCES NOTICE AND FOCUS ON DIFFERENCES

23 TALKING ABOUT COMING APART

24 COMING APART: REVIEW OF KEY FACTORS UNRESOLVED TENSIONS UNRESOLVED TENSIONS AUTONOMY/CONNECTION AUTONOMY/CONNECTION SHARING OF SPACE VS.DISTANCE TO MAINTAIN INDIVIDUAL IDENTITY SHARING OF SPACE VS.DISTANCE TO MAINTAIN INDIVIDUAL IDENTITY NOVELTY/PREDICTABILITY NOVELTY/PREDICTABILITY BALANCE ROUTINE WITH NEW EXPERIENCES BALANCE ROUTINE WITH NEW EXPERIENCES OPENNESS/CLOSENESS OPENNESS/CLOSENESS SHARED THOUGHTS SHARED THOUGHTS SHATTERED EXPECTATIONS SHATTERED EXPECTATIONS 1. TRUST 1. TRUST 2. INTIMACY 2. INTIMACY 3. ACCEPTANCE 3. ACCEPTANCE 4. SUPPORT 4. SUPPORT 5. PRACTICAL ASSISTANCE 5. PRACTICAL ASSISTANCE INCOMPLETE SELF DISCLOSURE AREAS OF SELF: OPEN, HIDDEN, BLIND, UNKNOWN AREAS OF SELF: OPEN, HIDDEN, BLIND, UNKNOWN PROBLEMATIC FIGHTING STYLES VOICES USED VOICES USED PARENT, CHILD, ADULT PARENT, CHILD, ADULT TYPE OF TALK TYPE OF TALK LIGHT - HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L. - ACTIVE VS. PASSIVE LIGHT - HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L. - ACTIVE VS. PASSIVE D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. CONFLICT RESOLUTION CONFLICT RESOLUTION Forcing-Accommodation-Avoidance- Compromise-Collaboration Forcing-Accommodation-Avoidance- Compromise-Collaboration

25 LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS COMING APART COMING APART 1. DIFFERENTIATING 1. DIFFERENTIATING NOTICE AND FOCUS ON DIFFERENCES NOTICE AND FOCUS ON DIFFERENCES COUPLE NEEDS SPACE SO, COUPLE NEEDS SPACE SO, FIGHTING INCREASES FIGHTING INCREASES MORE USE OF MUTUAL HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L. MORE USE OF MUTUAL HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L.

26 HEAVY 0.L. RIGHTEOUS ANGER RIGHTEOUS ANGER HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L OVERTAGGRESSION PUT DOWN LABELMINDREADCOMMANDVENT-YELLDEMANDTHREATENCRITICIZERIDICULE USE SARCASM LIE LAY BLAME OVERT PASSIVE AGRESSIVE INTENSE COMPLAINT COMPLAINTDISQUALIFY WORDS WORDSWHINE PLAY MARTYR WITHHOLDDENY PUT DOWN SELF GIVE EXCUSES PROCRASTINATE R. RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION LAY BLAME

27 THREE KEY QUESTIONS: RENEGOTIATING THE ANSWERS Question number two is key: Question number two is key: Who am I to you and who are you to me in this situation? Who am I to you and who are you to me in this situation? Youre not the person I married….I thought I knew? Whats happened to you… I thought you liked my cooking, mother, father, ideas on….. When did you start getting interested in ….Youre not the person I married….I thought I knew? Whats happened to you… I thought you liked my cooking, mother, father, ideas on….. When did you start getting interested in …. Whats going on? Whats going on? What do you mean…you need your space?What do you mean…you need your space? What are we really talking about here?.What are we really talking about here?. REMEMBER, HEAVY CONTROL IS ABOUT INTENTION, TRUTH, BLAME.REMEMBER, HEAVY CONTROL IS ABOUT INTENTION, TRUTH, BLAME. What is going to happen next? What is going to happen next? Are we going on together or not? Are we adjusting, changing, struggling some more, leaving?Are we going on together or not? Are we adjusting, changing, struggling some more, leaving?

28 LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS COMING APART COMING APART 2. CIRCUMSCRIBING 2. CIRCUMSCRIBING REDUCE FREQUENCY- INTIMACY OF COMMUNICATION REDUCE FREQUENCY- INTIMACY OF COMMUNICATION HOT TOPICS AVOIDED TO REDUCE FIGHTS HOT TOPICS AVOIDED TO REDUCE FIGHTS INCREASED FORMALITY INCREASED FORMALITY 3. STAGNATING 3. STAGNATING HOLDING ON FOR OTHER REASONS HOLDING ON FOR OTHER REASONS RELATIONSHIP NO LONGER DISCUSSED RELATIONSHIP NO LONGER DISCUSSED

29 THE MARRIAGE DISSOLUTION CASCADE Repeated Complaining and criticizing leads toComplaining and criticizing leads to Contempt, which leads toContempt, which leads to Defensiveness, which leads toDefensiveness, which leads to Listener Withdrawal from interaction (stonewalling).Listener Withdrawal from interaction (stonewalling). See Gottman in Additional Reading 15 See Gottman in Additional Reading 15

30 MARRIAGE DISSOLUTION CASCADE: Flooding and Contempt VIDEO EXAMPLE

31 MARRIAGE DISSOLUTION CASCADE: Flooding and Contempt VIDEO EXAMPLE

32 LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS 4. AVOIDING 4. AVOIDING PHYSICAL OR PSYCHOLOGICAL SEPARATION PHYSICAL OR PSYCHOLOGICAL SEPARATION SEEK SUPPORT FROM FRIENDS/FAMILY SEEK SUPPORT FROM FRIENDS/FAMILY 5. TERMINATING 5. TERMINATING LONGER THE RELATIONSHIP MORE PAINFUL LONGER THE RELATIONSHIP MORE PAINFUL SPECIFIC SEPARATION MESSAGES SPECIFIC SEPARATION MESSAGES COMING APART COMING APART 3. STAGNATING 3. STAGNATING HOLDING ON FOR OTHER REASONS HOLDING ON FOR OTHER REASONS RELATIONSHIP NO LONGER DISCUSSED RELATIONSHIP NO LONGER DISCUSSED

33 MAINTAINING RELATIONSHIPS PROSOCIAL BEHAVIORS PROSOCIAL BEHAVIORS POLITE, CHEERFUL, FRIENDLY; AVOID CRITICISM; POLITE, CHEERFUL, FRIENDLY; AVOID CRITICISM; COMPROMISE EVEN WHEN IT INVOLVES SELF- SACRIFICE. COMPROMISE EVEN WHEN IT INVOLVES SELF- SACRIFICE. TALKING ABOUT A SHARED FUTURE TALKING ABOUT A SHARED FUTURE CEREMONIAL BEHAVIORS CEREMONIAL BEHAVIORS CELEBRATE BIRTHDAYS,ANNIVERSARIES CELEBRATE BIRTHDAYS,ANNIVERSARIES DISCUSSING PAST PLEASURABLE TIMES DISCUSSING PAST PLEASURABLE TIMES EAT AT FAVORITE RESTAURANT EAT AT FAVORITE RESTAURANT

34 MAINTAINING RELATIONSHIPS TOGETHERNESS BEHAVIORS TOGETHERNESS BEHAVIORS DOING THINGS AS A COUPLE, JOINT ACTIVITIES, DOING THINGS AS A COUPLE, JOINT ACTIVITIES, CONTROL EXTERNAL-TO-RELATIONSHIP ACTIVITIES CONTROL EXTERNAL-TO-RELATIONSHIP ACTIVITIES COMMUNICATION BEHAVIORS COMMUNICATION BEHAVIORS CALL JUST TO SAY, "HOW ARE YOU?" CALL JUST TO SAY, "HOW ARE YOU?" LISTENING ACTIVELY, USING D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. ABOUT SHARED FEELINGS, ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE OF THE RELATIONSHIP. LISTENING ACTIVELY, USING D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. ABOUT SHARED FEELINGS, ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE OF THE RELATIONSHIP. RESPOND CONSTRUCTIVELY IN A CONFLICT: FAIR FIGHTING RESPOND CONSTRUCTIVELY IN A CONFLICT: FAIR FIGHTING

35 Four Effective Problem-Solving Skills in a Long-Term Relationship 1. Physiological soothing Basic to all other skills Basic to all other skills Calming self Calming self 2. Softened start-up D escriptive I-Messages D escriptive I-Messages Open Acknowledgement Open Acknowledgement 3. Repair and De-escalation Metacommunication Metacommunication Accepting influence Accepting influence 4. Compromise Based on common ground Based on common ground See Textbook See Textbook

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