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ATTRACTION, LOVE, INTIMACY ETC. Love Love Lust Lust Attraction Attraction Chemistry Chemistry Intimacy Intimacy Friendship Friendship Romance Romance Passion.

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Presentation on theme: "ATTRACTION, LOVE, INTIMACY ETC. Love Love Lust Lust Attraction Attraction Chemistry Chemistry Intimacy Intimacy Friendship Friendship Romance Romance Passion."— Presentation transcript:

1 ATTRACTION, LOVE, INTIMACY ETC. Love Love Lust Lust Attraction Attraction Chemistry Chemistry Intimacy Intimacy Friendship Friendship Romance Romance Passion Passion

2 Marriage? Until about 150 years ago, marriage was not about two people in love. Until about 150 years ago, marriage was not about two people in love. The purpose of marriage: meet the needs of the group by forming alliances with other groups. The purpose of marriage: meet the needs of the group by forming alliances with other groups. Through the ages, marriage was an economic and political alliance: dowry, land, mutual defence and enough people to produce wealth, work the land, exchange goods. Through the ages, marriage was an economic and political alliance: dowry, land, mutual defence and enough people to produce wealth, work the land, exchange goods. Husband and wife depended on each other to run the family enterprise, neither could do it alone. Husband and wife depended on each other to run the family enterprise, neither could do it alone.

3 Most important source of social security, medical care and economic support and survival. Most important source of social security, medical care and economic support and survival. Being so important for so many people, marriages were not decided by the man and woman alone based on attraction. Being so important for so many people, marriages were not decided by the man and woman alone based on attraction. Love and lust were abundant, but unrelated to marriage. Love and lust were abundant, but unrelated to marriage.

4 Factors that helped usher the love marriage: Factors that helped usher the love marriage: industrialization: individual has more value industrialization: individual has more value affluence: less dependence on family affluence: less dependence on family literacy: romantic novels literacy: romantic novels later, movies later, movies increased longevity increased longevity secularization secularization women financially independent women financially independent lower birth rate lower birth rate

5 19 th century: W. Europe and N. America accept new view: husbands as providers and wives as nurturing homemakers. But only by the 1950s could a family survive on only one salary. 19 th century: W. Europe and N. America accept new view: husbands as providers and wives as nurturing homemakers. But only by the 1950s could a family survive on only one salary. Love based marriage means that if love fizzles, the couple need not stay together: rise of divorce. Love based marriage means that if love fizzles, the couple need not stay together: rise of divorce.

6 Expectations are high: Expectations are high: love love passion passion friendship friendship mutual liking and appreciation mutual liking and appreciation sharing many interests sharing many interests companionship companionship intimacy intimacy commitment commitment equal participation equal participation economic partnership economic partnership Disappointments also tend to be high. Disappointments also tend to be high.

7 ATTRACTION: What makes us feel attracted to another person? What makes us feel attracted to another person? familiarity familiarity propinquity (geographical closeness) propinquity (geographical closeness) complementarity (opposites attract) complementarity (opposites attract) similarity (birds of a feather…) similarity (birds of a feather…) income, profession, status, power (especially for men) income, profession, status, power (especially for men) common values: long term common values: long term personality: short and long term personality: short and long term

8 Chemistry of attraction: Arousal: phenylethylamine (PEA) Arousal: phenylethylamine (PEA) Touch: endorphins Touch: endorphins Touch: oxytocin Touch: oxytocin Arousal short lived: 6-24 months Arousal short lived: 6-24 months Depletion of neurochemicals, wear and tear Depletion of neurochemicals, wear and tear Some people become addicted: change partners often Some people become addicted: change partners often Also, lack of accurate information: belief in passionate love forever Also, lack of accurate information: belief in passionate love forever Historical, generational differences Historical, generational differences

9 Chemistry of attraction (Contd): DHEA (dehydroepiandrosterone): DHEA (dehydroepiandrosterone): secreted by adrenal glands secreted by adrenal glands weak androgen weak androgen most sex hormones as well as pheromones, derived from it. most sex hormones as well as pheromones, derived from it. same amount for males and females in bloodstream same amount for males and females in bloodstream Pheromones: Pheromones: derived from DHEA derived from DHEA sexual signals for both sexes sexual signals for both sexes sensed by the vomeronasal organ sensed by the vomeronasal organ

10 Chemistry of attraction (Contd): Oxytocin: Oxytocin: pituitary pituitary released when touching or being touched by loved ones, even not in a couple relationship released when touching or being touched by loved ones, even not in a couple relationship seen as important for attachment seen as important for attachment involved in parental behaviours involved in parental behaviours

11 Chemistry of attraction (Contd): PEA (phenylethylamine): PEA (phenylethylamine): called the molecule of love called the molecule of love euphoria euphoria amphetamine-like substance amphetamine-like substance produced in brain capillaries (endothelium) and in catecholaminergic terminals produced in brain capillaries (endothelium) and in catecholaminergic terminals low PEA levels associated with depression low PEA levels associated with depression some depressions successfully treated with PEA some depressions successfully treated with PEA some people become addicted to the PEA high and change partners frequently to get it, as its higher early in a relationship some people become addicted to the PEA high and change partners frequently to get it, as its higher early in a relationship

12 Chemistry of attraction (Contd): Estrogen: Estrogen: makes women sexually attractive and receptive makes women sexually attractive and receptive skin, lips, hair, fatty padding (curves), breasts, hips skin, lips, hair, fatty padding (curves), breasts, hips Testosterone: Testosterone: increases sex drive in both sexes increases sex drive in both sexes too much is counterproductive too much is counterproductive

13 Chemistry of attraction (Contd): Endorphins: Endorphins: produced in the brain produced in the brain released also in response to touch and sex released also in response to touch and sex positive feelings positive feelings Progesterone: Progesterone: testosterone antagonist testosterone antagonist lowers sex drive lowers sex drive in the pill, it lowers sex drive too in the pill, it lowers sex drive too mild sedative, calming effect mild sedative, calming effect

14 Chemistry of attraction (Contd): Serotonin: Serotonin: neurotransmitter neurotransmitter at low levels intensifies sex drive at low levels intensifies sex drive at high levels decreases it at high levels decreases it antidepressants elevate serotonin – decrease sex drive antidepressants elevate serotonin – decrease sex drive Dopamine: Dopamine: neurotransmitter associated with all pleasures neurotransmitter associated with all pleasures related to substance addiction related to substance addiction increases sex drive, promotes action increases sex drive, promotes action

15 Chemistry of attraction (Contd): Prolactin: Prolactin: decreases sex drive, especially in men (couvade) decreases sex drive, especially in men (couvade) Vasopressin: Vasopressin: hormone produced by pituitary hormone produced by pituitary antidiuretic antidiuretic increases blood volume and blood pressure increases blood volume and blood pressure monogamy molecule monogamy molecule modulates testosterone modulates testosterone levels extremes of feelings levels extremes of feelings increases focus in lovemaking increases focus in lovemaking

16 Chemistry of attraction (Contd): All these substances fluctuate during the day and with age and environmental events. All these substances fluctuate during the day and with age and environmental events. The high is short lived (6-30 months). The high is short lived (6-30 months). Cultural belief in passionate love forever. Cultural belief in passionate love forever.

17 Passionate love vs. companionate love: Passionate love: bonds in initial stages, flares up occasionally. May or may not lead to long-term. Not useful to weather hurdles of life. Passionate love: bonds in initial stages, flares up occasionally. May or may not lead to long-term. Not useful to weather hurdles of life. Companionate love: warm, steady bond, more realistic for long haul, friendship, knowledge of partner, acceptance warts and all, long-term commitment. Companionate love: warm, steady bond, more realistic for long haul, friendship, knowledge of partner, acceptance warts and all, long-term commitment. Different couples have different mix of each. In some, passionate love reawakens in empty-nest phase. Different couples have different mix of each. In some, passionate love reawakens in empty-nest phase.

18 LOVE STYLES: eros eros ludus ludus storge storge pragma pragma mania mania agape agape

19 Eros: Eros: romantic, passionate love, physical chemistry, instant attraction, intense, satisfying romantic, passionate love, physical chemistry, instant attraction, intense, satisfying Ludus: Ludus: game-playing love, having two or more loves concurrently, dangling on a string, not serious game-playing love, having two or more loves concurrently, dangling on a string, not serious Storge: Storge: friendship love, friends that over time become a couple, friends even if they break up friendship love, friends that over time become a couple, friends even if they break up Pragma: Pragma: logical, shopping list, planned choice based on logic and practical considerations logical, shopping list, planned choice based on logic and practical considerations Mania: Mania: Possessive and dependent love, unable to sleep or eat, frantic if loved one out of range, cant concentrate on anything else. Possessive and dependent love, unable to sleep or eat, frantic if loved one out of range, cant concentrate on anything else. Agape: Agape: Self-sacrificing love, spiritual, selfless. Self-sacrificing love, spiritual, selfless.

20 THEORETICAL APPROACHES Sociobiology: The purpose of attraction is to propagate the species, transmission of genetic material. The purpose of attraction is to propagate the species, transmission of genetic material. Attractive characteristics are those that maximize survival of the species. Attractive characteristics are those that maximize survival of the species. Women: young and healthy, physical attractiveness highly correlated. Women: young and healthy, physical attractiveness highly correlated. Males: good providers, tall and strong and with obvious material means. Males: good providers, tall and strong and with obvious material means. Speculation, no proof in favour, proof against. Speculation, no proof in favour, proof against.

21 SOME THEORIES OF ATTRACTION (Contd): Byrnes Law: more reinforcements than punishments Byrnes Law: more reinforcements than punishments Berscheid and Walsters Two Component Theory: 1. physiological arousal, undifferentiated, adrenaline: heart rate, blood pressure, respiration, etc. 2. cognitive attribution: how we explain arousal. Influenced by situational cues. E.g. exercise, Capilano bridge

22 Sternbergs Triangular Theory: passion passion intimacy intimacy commitment commitment Best match: partners similar in all three

23 Many theorists underline capacity for intimacy: physical: physical: sensual sensual emotional: emotional: trust trust self-disclosure (mutual) self-disclosure (mutual) vulnerability vulnerability security security sexual non -sexual

24 Some cultures confuse sensual and sexual intimacy, leading to touch deprivation. Touch deprivation can lead to: Touch deprivation can lead to: depression depression sexual deviance sexual deviance inappropriate use of sex inappropriate use of sex Emotional intimacy: Emotional intimacy: based on early experiences. based on early experiences. Erikson: Erikson: trust vs. mistrust (1 st year of life) trust vs. mistrust (1 st year of life)

25 Ainsworth Attachment Theory: Ainsworth Attachment Theory: secure attachment secure attachment insecure anxious ambivalent insecure anxious ambivalent insecure anxious avoidant insecure anxious avoidant disorganized disorganized (mothers and infants) Plus innate temperament innate temperament environmental influences environmental influences historical influences historical influences Generational differences: Generational differences: concept of love concept of love Gender differences Gender differences

26 Bartholomew and Horowitz (1991) Attachment styles: Attachment styles: secure secure preoccupied preoccupied dismissing dismissing fearful fearful Secure: Secure: see self as lovable, expect others to be accepting and responsive see self as lovable, expect others to be accepting and responsive Preoccupied: Preoccupied: see self as unlovable but see others positively, seek acceptance by them see self as unlovable but see others positively, seek acceptance by them

27 Bartholomew and Horowitz (1991) (Contd) Dismissing: Dismissing: see self as lovable but see other negatively, may put up barriers for self-protection see self as lovable but see other negatively, may put up barriers for self-protection Fearful: see self and others negatively, avoid relationships Fearful: see self and others negatively, avoid relationships Importance of childhood, family history. Can lead to dysfunctional relationships. Importance of childhood, family history. Can lead to dysfunctional relationships.

28 Ability to have long-term, satisfying relationships is related to identity development. Ability to have long-term, satisfying relationships is related to identity development. Four identity types: Four identity types: identity achieving identity achieving moratorium moratorium diffuse diffuse foreclosed foreclosed

29 Individuals in identity achieving: Individuals in identity achieving: self knowledge self knowledge ability to focus on each other (not self- absorbed) ability to focus on each other (not self- absorbed) sensitive to partners feelings and needs sensitive to partners feelings and needs good communication good communication equal power equal power good conflict management good conflict management stable relationship stable relationship

30 Partners with foreclosed identity: Partners with foreclosed identity: settled early, no search for alternatives settled early, no search for alternatives accept everything from older generation accept everything from older generation rigid rigid stable relationships if no change stable relationships if no change many couples who married in the 50s with foreclosed identities are divorcing now many couples who married in the 50s with foreclosed identities are divorcing now

31 Partners in moratorium identity: Partners in moratorium identity: identity in crisis identity in crisis self-preoccupied, not sensitive enough to partners emotional needs self-preoccupied, not sensitive enough to partners emotional needs alternate between avoidance and engagement alternate between avoidance and engagement unstable relationship unstable relationship

32 Partners with diffuse identity: Partners with diffuse identity: mutual dependency mutual dependency not trying to achieve separate identities not trying to achieve separate identities rely on each other for self-definition rely on each other for self-definition make excessive demands on partner make excessive demands on partner threatened if one attempts independence threatened if one attempts independence communication vague communication vague repression of conflict and hostility repression of conflict and hostility very susceptible to external pressures: very susceptible to external pressures: adult responsibilities, finances, parents/in-laws, arrival of childrenadult responsibilities, finances, parents/in-laws, arrival of children

33 TYPES OF INTIMACY Mutual intimacy: Mutual intimacy: commit part of self to union but retain individuality commit part of self to union but retain individuality strong degree of commitment strong degree of commitment equal sharing of power equal sharing of power high levels of communication high levels of communication same basic values same basic values accurate perception of partners needs accurate perception of partners needs good conflict resolution good conflict resolution

34 Pseudointimacy: Pseudointimacy: interaction at superficial level interaction at superficial level low level of true communication low level of true communication conflict avoidance rather than resolution conflict avoidance rather than resolution can last if mutually convenient can last if mutually convenient can have similar values can have similar values Merger: Merger: one dominant partner, one submissive one dominant partner, one submissive can last if values remain same can last if values remain same rigid roles rigid roles relate in stereotyped ways relate in stereotyped ways low awareness of partners emotional needs low awareness of partners emotional needs

35 MARRIAGE: Young adulthood (20-45) Conflict (Erikson): Conflict (Erikson): Independence/loneliness Independence/lonelinessvs Intimacy/loss of freedom Intimacy/loss of freedom

36 Advantages: Advantages: intimacy (emotional, physical, sexual) intimacy (emotional, physical, sexual) interdependence (sharing resources and tasks) interdependence (sharing resources and tasks) belongingness (Maslow) belongingness (Maslow) shared parenting shared parenting continuity (memories, habits) continuity (memories, habits) shared identities (partial) shared identities (partial) men: better mental, physical health, longevity men: better mental, physical health, longevity

37 Disadvantages: Disadvantages: constraints of shared decisions constraints of shared decisions loss of privacy loss of privacy need to accept others habits, quirks need to accept others habits, quirks responsibilities responsibilities women: double shift, others come first women: double shift, others come first

38 TYPES OF MARRIAGE: Traditional Traditional Modern (Sr./Jr. Partners) Modern (Sr./Jr. Partners) Contemporary Contemporary Subjective perceptions differ from objective assessments: partners tend to see equality where outside observers dont.

39 COHABITATION: More common today: More common today: POSSLQ: Persons of the Opposite Sex Sharing Living Quarters POSSLQ: Persons of the Opposite Sex Sharing Living Quarters Young adults: courtship, usually precedes marriage Young adults: courtship, usually precedes marriage Middle-aged and old: widowed or divorced Middle-aged and old: widowed or divorced

40 SAME SEX COUPLES: Men: Men: Relatively low % monogamous Relatively low % monogamous Women: Women: Higher % monogamy, serial monogamy common Higher % monogamy, serial monogamy common

41 SEX AND MARRIAGE: Enormous individual differences Enormous individual differences Frequency higher before children and after empty nest Frequency higher before children and after empty nest Couples satisfied with sex report satisfaction with marriage overall Couples satisfied with sex report satisfaction with marriage overall Actively religious women report better sex life in marriage, more orgasms. In decreasing order: Jewish, Protestant, Catholic Actively religious women report better sex life in marriage, more orgasms. In decreasing order: Jewish, Protestant, Catholic

42 Cultural Differences: 1. Group/family orientation: collectivistic 2. Individual orientation: individualistic 1. individual wants less important than group needs and decision 2. individuals more important

43 Immigrants: Immigrants: intergenerational conflicts intergenerational conflicts Arranged marriages: Arranged marriages: pragmatic vs. love marriages pragmatic vs. love marriages Importance of social support Importance of social support


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