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1 Presented by- Aimee Goodson Herbert Counselor Kay Granger Elementary Love and LogicJim Fay and Charles Fay, Ph.D.Presented by- Aimee Goodson HerbertCounselorKay Granger Elementary
2 “There will never be enough rewards or consequences to get tough kids to want to behave and learn if we are not first developing relationships.”-Charles Fay
3 Philosophy of Love and Logic Choice and freedom to make mistakes.Adult demonstrates empathy and compassion.Child takes responsibility of his/her actions.Child learns from the consequences of his/her mistake.
4 “Be involved in your kids education.” (We want you to hover them and punish them for bad grades.)
5 “We would like you to provide a warm, loving, supportive home for your child to go home to. One where they have feel a sense of purpose and belonging through jobs, roles, and responsibilities they fulfill in the family.”
7 HelicopterAs child sends the SOS flare, helicopter parents are ready and hovering nearby to swoop in and shield them from teachers, playmates, and peers.Message sent-“You can’t help yourself. I have to do it for you.”
8 Why is this not good? UNEQUIPPED for life Learning opportunities STOLE from them.In order to grow children must learn from their mistakesThe REAL WORLD does not run on the bail-out principal.
9 Drill Sergeant Commands Message Sent- “You can’t think. I have to think for you.”
10 Why is this not good? Children: Become DEPENDENT on their parents for the answersFall into PEER PRESSURE more easily because they are used to being told what to doDo not learn how to make decisions- opportunity to make mistakes and see natural consequences arise is robbed from them.Become followers … as they have been taughtAnxiety = anger, more anxiety, and NO learning
11 Laissez-faire parents: Decide that children should raise themselvesBelieve that they should be their child’s friendFeel guilty and allow them to run free
12 Why is this not good?Children need rules and consequences to learn fromChildren are not adults and can not self-regulateParents are parents, not friends
13 Consultant Shares alternatives Message sent- “You are capable and can make wise decisions. You are responsible.”Helicopters can’t hover forever and drill seargeants go horse.
14 Consultant Modeling Focus is relationship instead of task achievement Ask questionsStay CalmChoices and natural consequences.
15 Love and Logic “Love” allows kids to grow through their mistakes. “Logic” allows them to live with the consequences of their choices.
16 “Responsibility cannot be taught, it must be caught.” - Jim and Charles FayDoggonit! You WILL show some responsibility!!!Message to responsible child
17 “I am sure you will remember on your own, but if you don’t, you’ll sure learn from the experience.” Doggonit! You WILL show some responsibility!!!Message to responsible child
18 MisbehavingResults from the child taking the only choice available to them in order to gain some control.Can lead to power struggles.Can be eliminated or maintained through choices.
20 5 Questions: Is Love and Logic for you? Think of all the things you have tried in the past.Think of all the things the teachers have tried in the past.Are any of these showing long-term results?Can you think of anything else that makes sense that we could try?
21 #5If everything else that makes sense has already been tried, maybe it’s time to try something that doesn’t appear to make sense.
22 Guide Child to Solve the Problem 5 Steps Show Empathy- “You must feel sad.”Send Power Message- “What will you do about it?”Offer Choices- “Would you like to hear what your sister tried?”Have child State Consequences- “How will that work?”Allow child to Solve the Problem
23 Power Struggle? Neutralize it! Go Brain Dead! You don’t love me anymore“I love you too much to argue”It is not fair“Maybe so…”You love her more than me“Mmmm…”You don’t care“I know…”Dad wouldn’t do thatI am going to run away!”“I will love you wherever you live.”
24 EmpathyAdults must demonstrate a sincere and empathetic response to child’s misbehavior.One-liners:This must really hurt.This is so sad.That is really hardI am sorry you feel that way.I feel bad for you.BummerIt must be hard to feel so frustrated.I will love you wherever you live.I love you too much to argue.I argue between 5-5:30 am.
25 Let empathy and consequences do the teaching NOT sarcastic or condescendingKeep it short, sweet and repetitive.Express your empathy before your anger or a consequenceDelaying your consequence gives you time to thinkUse less words….lectures don’t work
26 Power Messages What are you going to do about it? Have you come up with anything so far?I am here to help. Just let me know what you decide to do about it.
27 Choices Children must control the problem. If they don’t, you could: Give choices:If child does not choose, be prepared to choose yourselfBe sure to pick choices you can live withAllow the child to live with the consequencesChildren must control the problem. If they don’t, you could:Steal kids’ opportunities to learnBecome overwhelmed with raising kidsHave frequent arguments with your children - Ex: dinner time
28 Ownership of the Problem Who’s problem is it?Am I upset because he’s upset?What happens to me personally?Am I twisting the problem to make it mine?
29 How to determine when it is not our problem… What is going to happen to me if that problem doesn’t get solved?If your answer is nothing, then it is the child’s problem.Allowing children to own the problem allows for them to find ways to solve their problem.
30 “In today’s world, we don’t want our kids to feel struggle. Why “In today’s world, we don’t want our kids to feel struggle. Why? ALLOW kids to struggle. Don’t steal that gift. Help them cope with challenges where they have to learn.”-Charles FayThe brain has its own built in reward system. That does
31 Choices- Phrasing Would you rather ______or______? What would be best for you: ______or______?Feel free to________ or ________.You can either ______or_______.
32 Opportunity for Thinking and Decision-Making Fighting Words“Get to work now!”Thinking Words“Feel free to go out as soon as you have cleaned your room.”OPTIONS HELP REMOVE POWER STRUGGLES
34 We would rather they THINK than FIGHT. -Jim and Charles Fay
35 GOLDGarbageor“Garbage”: Training you to ignore my words through nagging and lectures. Fighting invites disobedience.“Gold”: Teaching to you listen to my words. Get them THINKING!Describe what you are going to do or allow instead of telling THEM what to do.
36 “Garbage”: YOU WILL… “Gold”: I WILL… GOLD Garbage or This is how I am going to do things. You might want to pay attention.
37 “Times can be real tough and you have the opportunity to learn from them. If anyone can cope with them, I bet you can.”
38 “Kids learn better from what they tell THEMSELVES.” -Jim and Charles Fay
39 GOLD Garbage or “You are not going to talk to me that way!” “I will be glad to discuss this with you as soon as the arguing stops.”
40 GOLD Garbage or “Would you rather carry your coat or wear it?” “If I have told you once, I have told you a thousand times! Get that coat on!”
41 GOLDGarbageor“Told you not to spend all your money on toys that just break!”“Ooooh, you are out of money? Don’t worry, allowances come on Saturday.”
42 GOLD Garbage or “Get your clothes on……” “Time to get your clothes on!” “How many times do I haveto tell you to get your clotheson! We are going to be late!”“Feel free to put your clothes on in the privacy of your room or in the car on the way to school.”
43 GOLDGarbageor“Would you rather play nicely in the living room or noisy in your room?”“SSSHHH! Be quiet kids or you will go to your room! Adam is about to sing!”
44 GOLDGarbageor“You can either wash your clothes or spend your allowance to have the cleaners do it.”“I am NOT picking your clothes.”
45 GOLD Garbage or “You need to start respecting me.” “I will be happy to do nice things for you as soon as I feel respected and helped.”
46 GOLD Garbage or “Dinner is served until 7pm.” “Come to dinner. Hurry up! Get in here.”“Feel free to enjoy your next meal with the family as soon as the yard is mowed.”
47 GOLD Garbage or “Don’t you dare raise your voice at me.” “I will listen to your voice when it is calm like mine.”
48 GOLD Garbage or “You get to keep the toys that are picked up.” “Pick up your toys, now.”“Yes, you may watch T.V. when your toys are picked up.”“Love you too much to argue.”“So, what did I say?”
49 GOLDGarbageorCharles Fay believes that the fastest way to put a teenager in danger is to let them drive for free.“Hope you can drive one day. In this family, the only people who can afford it get to drive.”
50 Follow Through Now, you have to keep your word. It might be difficult. Do NOT show your disappointment or anger at their poor decision-making.Remember, the consequence should speak for itself.
51 Dream World“Thanks, Dad, I feel a lot more secure now that I know you mean what you say. I appreciate your loving me enough to set limits.”NO! They run to their rooms, whine, talk back, guilt trips. Stand firm, stay calm, READ about what else you can do.Logan “Mom, did you learn this from one of those books? Sorry to tell you but it doesn’t work with kids. It just makes us mad.”“Hmmm… that’s interesting so what did I say?”“I love and respect time with you so much that I am not going to move an inch in this car until the gameboy is off!”
52 Let Consequences and Empathy do the Teaching Consequences allow:Child to be involved in the decisionChild to hurt from the inside outChild to develop a new plan of reactingParent to be friendly and helpfulChild to see adult modeling problem-solving techniquesChild to learn about real world consequences
53 “Kids need to think HARDER about their problems than the adults around them.” -Charles Fay
54 Punishment vs. Consequence Punishments allow:Adult to make decisionChild is hurt from the outside inChild to pay for his past deedAdult to display angerChild to feel the imposition of powerChild to learn about the imposition of power
55 Child Chooses Consequence “What are you going to do about it?”“How do you plan to solve the problem?”
56 The Teaching Value of a Consequence You will destroy the teaching value if you:Say, “This will teach you a lesson.”Display angerExplain the value of the consequenceThreatenTalk too muchGive in!
57 Immediate Consequence “Looks like today you decided to wait until we get in the car to eat your breakfast.”“It’s sad that you wrecked your car. Looks like you won’t be driving until the damage is paid for.”“I’m sure glad you’re home. Why don’t you stick around tomorrow night so I don’t have to worry about you.”“Looks like you have decided to do your own laundry this weekend. Let me know if you need me to show you how.”“The way you two fight is really taking some of my happiness away. Feel free to come out of your rooms when you are pleasant to be around.”
58 Delayed ConsequenceWhen you are too angry or frustrated to use empathy- DELAY THE CONSEQUENCE!Delayed consequences:Child has to do more thinking about it than we do. Child owns the problem.We have time to think about an appropriate consequence that is reasonable.There is less chance of blowing up and making a threat that you can’t back up.
59 Delayed Consequence“I’m not sure what I’m going to do. I’ll let you know after dinner.”“This is so sad. I am going to have to do something about this. But not now, later. Try not to worry about it.”“I am too angry right now. I make better decisions when I am calm.”
60 “If a child causes a problems, it should be NO problem for the adult; but a BIG problem for the child.”-Charles Fay
61 TRAINING SESSIONS for building responsibility Give the child a task he can handleHope the child “blows” itLet equal parts of empathy and consequence do the teachingGive the same task againSomething that is reoccuring
63 2. Hope the child blows it? Teaches a real world lesson Helps children find new solutionsGives children an opportunity to fail in a safe environment
64 3. Let empathy and consequences do the talking . . . Be empathetic before you share the bad newsEmpathy builds relationshipsChildren must learn that mistakes hurt them - When the adult gets angry the message gets lostChildren need to attend to how to make better choices, not to their parents angerConsequences allow the child to “own” the problem
65 4. Have them do the same task again Children learn from their mistakesCommunicates to children that you trust themSays, “You are capable”
66 Let them fail . . . Gives them a chance to learn Helps them to understand that every action has a consequence, both good and badLearns the lesson of decision making early so that harder decisions are easier laterLearns the skills of decision making and problem solving
67 Learning at a time when it is an affordable price Little kids….little problemsBig kids….bigger problems
68 Mean what you say, say what you mean Consistency is keyIf you don’t follow through your child takes on the “lottery” mentalityIf it is new, your child will test you
69 Sameness= LOVE The message you are sending: I love you enough to create a same and predictable environment.-Charles Fay
70 Primary focus of Love and Logic Is NOT to make kids behave and get good grades.Focus is on how to raise good PEOPLE, not people who LOOK GOOD. It is not about what they PRODUCE.
71 Primary focus of Love and Logic “The primary focus of parenting with Love and Logic is to dramatically increase the odds that kids will make good and healthy decisions when NO ONE is making them do it.”-Charles Fay
72 AssignmentThink of a common argument that you get into with your childWrite down how you usually handle thisWrite down your child’s responseThink of a new “natural consequence” that you can try
73 Love and Logic Resources ConferencesWorkshopsBooksVideos
74 Teaching Children Responsibility Raise children who are self-confident, motivated, and ready for the real world with this win-win approach to parenting. Your children will win because they’ll learn to solve their own problems while gaining the confidence they need to meet life’s challenges. And you’ll win because you’ll establish healthy control—without resorting to anger, threats, nagging or exhausting power struggles. Parenting with Love and Logic puts the fun back into parenting!
75 Unless you’ve got the finances to set your kids up with a lifetime trust fund, they’re going to end up spending most of their adult lives working. Wouldn’t it be a great gift if your children grew up to enjoy work…rather than dread it? Bosses are desperate for employees who understand:The importance of personal responsibilityHow to remain positive when the going gets toughThat success comes from hard work and determination…rather than handouts
78 Prizes!One-linerFavorite heart quote or “Ah-ha moment”
79 This book is filled with excellent short stories that provide you with easy to use techniques that can be put to use immediately. Covering all age ranges for Parents and Educators.Techniques for:Avoiding Power StrugglesHomeworkEliminate Sibling Rivalry