Friendship is not won by the giving of things, but by the giving of the heart. --- Roy Lessin
Relationship Relationship: the state of being related. Related Related: 1. connected by some understood relationship. 2. connected through membership in the same family. CONNECTION. The key is CONNECTION.
Relationship Assumptions 1.Successful relationships are basic to successful living. 2.Keeping relationships healthy deserves a high priority. 3.Your marriage or significant other is your most important relationship. 4.You can learn to understand how to make your relationship work.
Types of Relationships Family relationships Occasional (anonymous) relationships – clerks, waiters Casual relationships (acquaintances) – some people at work, professors, classmates Friendships – people with whom you seek interactions, whose company you enjoy Romantic relationships – passionate, emotional connection, usually reciprocal
Aspects of Friendship Keeps confidence Loyalty Warmth/affection Supportiveness Frankness Sense of humor Willingness to make time for me Independence Good conversationalist Intelligence Social conscience
Six Rules for Friends Share news of success with a friend. Show emotional support. Volunteer help in time of need. Strive to make a friend happy when in each others company. Trust and confide in each other. Stand up for a friend in his/her absence.
Development of a Close Relationship Zero contact Stage 1: unilateral contact Stage 2: bilateral contact Stage 3: mutuality
Intimacy in Communication ClichéConversation Person 1 Person 2
Intimacy in Communication Cliché Facts, Conversation Others Ideas Ideas Person Person 1 Person 2
Intimacy in Communication Cliché Facts, Your Conversation Others Ideas Ideas & Opinions Person 1 Person 2
Intimacy in Communication Cliché Facts, Your Personal Conversation Others Ideas Information Ideas & Opinions Ideas & Opinions Person 1 Person 2
Intimacy Intimacy in Communication Cliché Facts, Your Personal Feelings Conversation Others Ideas Information About Each Ideas & Opinions Other Now Ideas & Opinions Other Now Person 1 Person 2
Close Relationships Relatively long-lasting Frequent interaction Mutual activities Impact of interactions is strong
Marriage is not just a happily ever after ending, but a lifetime of I choose to love you beginnings. --- Matt Anderson
A lasting marriage results from a couples ability to resolve the conflicts that are inevitable in any relationship.
Styles of Marriages Validating Volatile Avoidant
Validating Listen and understand each partners point of view Value other while disagreeing –more like problem-solving discussions –negotiate compromises Value we-ness of relationship Risk: passionless arrangement
Volatile Fight on grand scale--make up on grand scale Highly engaged with each other See selves as equal parties in relationship Easily express feelings, opinions, & thoughts Risk: slide into too much fighting
Avoidant Conflict minimizers Agree to disagree--shove it under the rug Low level of companionship High degree of autonomy Risk: Encountering problem too big to avoid
Emotional Ecology Need to strike a balance of positive/negative –magic ratio: 5 to 1 Healthy marriages represent three ways of adapting to achieve the balance Unhealthy marriages which do not adapt can be recognized by warning signs: –The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse Criticism Contempt Defensiveness Stonewalling
Criticism Attacking someones personality rather than behavior Blaming & accusing –You… statements Different from Complaining –I… statements Present to a degree in all relationships
Contempt Criticism with intention –deeper, more personal attack Includes –insults & name-calling –hostile humor & mockery –body language Results in decay of admiration or positive feelings for partner
Defensiveness Elicited by criticism & contempt Includes: –denying responsibility--making excuses –disagreeing with mind reading--yes-butting –cross complaining --Rubber man/woman –repeating self--whining Result: obstructs communication--conflict escalates
Stonewalling Communication shutdown Conveys disapproval, disgust, smugness Found in men more than women
Cycle of Negativity Four horsemen are hard to tame If unchecked, downward spiral/cascade occurs Flooding occurs--system overload Chronic flooding leads to distance/isolation cascade
Strategy for Improvement Calm down Speak nondefensively Validating Partner Overlearning--try & try again