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Marriage and Family Counseling in Chinese Context An Introduction Copyright © 1997-2004 Melvin W. Wong, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved Western Seminary, Los.

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Presentation on theme: "Marriage and Family Counseling in Chinese Context An Introduction Copyright © 1997-2004 Melvin W. Wong, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved Western Seminary, Los."— Presentation transcript:

1 Marriage and Family Counseling in Chinese Context An Introduction Copyright © Melvin W. Wong, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved Western Seminary, Los Gatos, California Chinese Ministries Program 2 Unit Intensive Melvin W. Wong, Ph.D. Licensed Clinical Psychologist ChristianMentalHealth.com Family, Forensic & Neuropsychology 220 Montgomery St., Suite 1098, San Francisco, CA A Paseo Padre Parkway, Fremont, CA Tel (510)

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3 Welcome & Introduction Please Introduce Yourself Name Family background: Single? Married? Children? Training: Secular? Seminary? Church Affiliation Ministry Position Ministry Aspirations Why do you want to take this course? Personal Expectations for course?

4 Make up class for next Saturday Some of you will not be able to make our next Saturdays meeting The make up class will be a condensed version of the second class It will take place the Friday before the last class on July 30 Where should it be? San Jose? Fremont?

5 Schedule: 3 Saturdays: July 17, 24, 31 08:00 to 09:30 AMInstruction session 1 09:30 to 09:45 AMBreak 1 09:45 to 12:00 PMInstruction session 2 12:00 to 01:00 PMLunch 01:00 to 03:30 PMInstruction 3 (or film) 03:30 to 03:45 PMBreak 2 03:45 to 05:30 PMDiscussion session 4 05:30 to 06:00 PMQ/A Individual Time

6 First things first! Why Marriage and Family Counseling in the Chinese Context? Arent people the same everywhere? Are we making too much of a big deal with culture? Is this divisiveness?

7 Paper 1: A Case Study Paper 1: A Case Study Paper 1: A case study of the impact of culture on one aspect of a psychological symptom (of a person; a client, a congregation member or family member). Students are required to present a study of an individual (someone that you have counseled, someone that you know as a friend or relative) will suffice. Give an introduction, a family history with a genogram, a description of the one-symptom that marks the pathology, a formulation of the cultural correlation and some suggestion for a brief treatment recommendation.

8 Paper 1: A Case Study (No differential diagnosis is required.) A BRIEF written (not more than 10 pages) summary is to be ed to the instructor: Dr. Melvin Wong at ssss tttt uuuu dddd eeee nnnn tttt ssss CCCC hhhh rrrr iiii ssss tttt iiii aaaa nnnn MMMM eeee nnnn tttt aaaa llll HHHH eeee aaaa llll tttt hhhh.... cccc oooo mmmmThe deadline for the submission is by Monday, September 6, 2004

9 Paper 2: A theoretical study- presentation Paper 2: A theoretical study-presentation of the impact of Chinese culture on psychopathology as manifested in the clinical population (or church-based communities): The Intervention recommendations: Students are required to present a more detailed theoretical study of the effects of the influence (subtle or obvious) on the development of psychological disorders, depending on the work environments of a student, such as a clinician or a minister.

10 This paper is intended to facilitate the understanding of the student in formulating a prevention response towards a wellness approach in their line of work. A BRIEF written (not more than 10 pages) summary is to be ed to the instructor: Dr. Melvin Wong at ssss tttt uuuu dddd eeee nnnn tttt ssss CCCC hhhh rrrr iiii ssss tttt iiii aaaa nnnn MMMM eeee nnnn tttt aaaa llll HHHH eeee aaaa llll tttt hhhh.... cccc oooo mmmmThe deadline for the submission is by Monday, September 6, 2004

11 1 Corinthians 9:22-23 (NKJ) When I am with those who are oppressed, I share their oppression so that I might bring them to Christ. Yes, I try to find common ground with everyone so that I might bring them to Christ. I do all this to spread the Good News, and in doing so I enjoy its blessings.

12 Ministry Opportunity Global Population, In Millions Total 6.14 Billion 339, 5.5%476, 7.8% Europe 728, 11.9% L.A.* * L.A. = Latin America, N.A. = North America Asia 3,701, 60% Pacific Africa 771, 12.6% N.A.* Christian Population, In Millions Total 1.9 Billion Africa 344, 18% Europe 537, 28% N.A.* 213, 11% Latin America 483, 25% Asia/Pacific 335, 18%

13 Three Videos Marriage: Just a Piece of Paper? University of Chicago, 2002 To Live Zhang Yimou, Gong Li Joy Luck Club Amy Tan

14 What are Marriage, Family Therapists A Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT) Formerly known as Marriage and Family, Child Counselor (MFCC), is a mental health practitioner who provides counseling and other therapeutic services with individuals, couples, families, and groups focused on the interpersonal and relational aspects of behavior.

15 What are Marriage, Family Therapists social contexts of the family Through consideration of how behavior has developed within the social contexts of the family, social institutions such as schools and neighborhoods, and the larger sociopolitical context of culture, problem-solving the MFT facilitates problem-solving and the achievement of satisfying, productive lives.

16 What are Marriage, Family Therapists The practice of MFT is regulated through licensure that is monitored by the state agency, the Board of Behavioral Sciences (BBS). To practice independently, an individual must hold a valid MFT license issued by the state of California. 3,000 supervised hours are required for internship to qualify for licensing with the MA degree

17 Course Description and Outline The concept of health and wellness, illness and pathology of the Chinese are at variant from that of the West. Marriage and family, being foundational to Chinese culture, are to be studied carefully before effective counseling can be achieved.

18 Course Description and Outline This course provides fundamental introduction to the study of common marriage and family issues that a Chinese minister or church leader will experience in the process of pastoral care

19 COURSE GOALS 1. Understand and use the characteristics of Chinese cultural deficiencies to formulate the dysfunction of a marital relationship. 2. Establish a working knowledge of the historical and cultural developments central to Marriage and Family Therapy standards in Chinese families

20 COURSE GOALS 3. Understand general systems theory, as well as a working knowledge of the practical models of family counseling. 4. Understand the working fundamentals of family assessment, treatment planning and intervention techniques, from the Chinese cultural perspectives and Biblical principles.

21 COURSE OUTLINE 1. Introduction to the Systems Theory in Family Therapy used in understanding dysfunctions of Chinese marital-family relationships. 2. Understanding Chinese cultural heritage and its negative impacts on living out the born-again Christian life.

22 COURSE OUTLINE 3. What does a healthy family and marriage look like? The standards of wellness. 4. Dysfunctional people cause dysfunctional marriages: 3 kinds of pathological personality that are marriage-toxic.

23 COURSE OUTLINE 5. Dysfunctional families result from dysfunctional marriages. 6. The relationships between shame and dysfunctionality. 7. Understanding how to formulate a case for treatment

24 COURSE OUTLINE 8. Understanding the effects of transference and counter-transference in marital counseling 9. Strategic counseling methods for couples and family members in pastoral ministry 10. Limitations of pastoral counseling and the ethical and legal standards in care 11. Prevention methodologies: Biblical principles in culture and wellness

25 WRITTEN ASSIGNMENT 1. The assignments will include a 2-page news item reading report or a book report on Chinese family or marital issues and 2. A 10-page (3,500 to 4,000 words) case study of the impact of culture on one aspect of a relational symptom that is relevant to marriage and family. To be presented to the instructor by the time-line delineated by the seminary.

26 Reference Books The Family Crucible, by Augustus Y. Napier. May, 1988 ISBN: The Family Crucible, by Augustus Y. Napier. May, 1988 ISBN: Family Therapy: Concepts and Methods, by Nichols, M.; Schwartz, R., Boston: Allyn & Bacon, 2001 (fifth edition). Family Therapy: Concepts and Methods, by Nichols, M.; Schwartz, R., Boston: Allyn & Bacon, 2001 (fifth edition). Family Therapy with Infotrac: An Overview, by Irene Goldberg, Herbert Goldberg, Brooks/Cole Family Therapy with Infotrac: An Overview, by Irene Goldberg, Herbert Goldberg, Brooks/Cole

27 Technical Text (Recommended, but not Required) Nichols, M.; Schwartz, R., Family Therapy: Concepts and Methods. Boston: Allyn & Bacon, 2001 (fifth edition).

28 Technical Text (Recommended, but not Required) Family Therapy with Infotrac: An Overview, by Irene Goldberg, Herbert Goldberg, Brooks/Cole

29 Acknowledgments & Credits Michael P. Nichols, The Essentials of Family Therapy Curricula (English) References From: C. R. Barké, Ph.D.; Tamara L. Kaiser, Ph.D.; Michael I. Vickers, Ph.D. Curricula (Chinese) References From: ( ) ( ) (1990) (1990)

30 The family is the context of most human problems The whole is greater than the sum of its parts Like all human groups, the family has emergent properties -fall into two categories 1.Structure and 2.Process

31 Family: The context of most problems 1. The structure of families includes triangles, subsystems, and boundaries. 2. The processes that describe family interactions-emotional reactivity, dysfunctional communication, etc.-the most central is circularity. Rather than worrying about who started what, family therapists understand and treat human problems as a series of moves and countermoves, in repeating cycles.

32 Family Therapy is New Psychiatry: Medical Model Psychiatry: Medical Model –Schizophrenia was not believed to be biological –Family is not included in hospital treatment –Family is believed to be the cause of illness –Psychiatrists are not trained to treat families Change the Family to change the Person Change the Family to change the Person –Change the Person and change the Family Theorists were smart researchers Theorists were smart researchers –Studied different parts to improve the whole

33 Triangle-Triangles-Triangulation A Three-Person system; according to Bowen, the smallest stable unit of human relationship. Diverting conflict between two people by involving a third. The unhappy mother uses her last born son to triangulate against his father She is unhappy with her marriage and to find stability and significance in her identity as a woman, she chose her youngest son to be a husband replacement: He is young and compliant

34 System (Family System) Mary Richmond, 1917 Families are not isolated wholes (closed systems), but exist in a particular social context, which interactively influences and is influenced by their functioning (they are open). Her approach to practice was to consider the potential effect of all interventions on every systemic level, and to understand and to use the reciprocal interaction of the systemic hierarchy for therapeutic purposes.

35 Not a Typical Family

36 The Dysfunctional Family Theme Song Paul Aldrich © 1991 Doulous Publishing 1) My parents got divorced before I was conceived, I blame myself of course, they blame it all on me My unwed pregnant half-step-sister is in therapy My familys got more problems than the Simpsons on TV > (Chorus) (Chorus) Dysfunctional, dysfunctional, were co-dependent, insecure dysfunctionals, dysfunctional, dysfunctional, dysfunctional as one family can be 2) My dad he drinks & gambles, my mom just talks and smiles, my sister has quit eating, we all live in denial My brother has low self-esteem, and thinks he just turned gay, they all take turns to beat me up, well what else can I say? > (Chorus) 3) I cant wait to get married, to raise kids my own, Ill buy them all a self-help book, a TV and a phone Then send them all to public school, for values they will need, Ill keep the cycle going, so theyll turn out just like me > (Chorus) Were co-dependent cant you see? Were insecure, well always be, Were all receiving therapy, In just twelve steps well be set free, Dysfunctional as one can be

37 Marriage: Just a Piece of Paper? Discussion Cohabitation: No Marriage = No divorce Cohabitation: No Marriage = No divorce –No commitment, no security (Maturity issue) Consumerism in Marriage Relationships: Consumerism in Marriage Relationships: –If I dont like it, I move on (Fear-reduction based) Divorces victims: Children (No advocate, no defense) Divorces victims: Children (No advocate, no defense) –Abandonment fear: If mom & dad can split up, they can leave me too! (limited cognitive abilities as children) –Daughters of divorce: Boy crazy, need a dad (Intimacy) –Sons of divorce : What is the role of man in a family, none? Covenant Marriage vs. Contract Marriage Covenant Marriage vs. Contract Marriage –Premarital Counseling & Prove Fault before divorce

38 Important Resource The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce Judith S. Wallerstein Preface In the fall of 1994… Karen James, North Carolina…You remember that when I was dating guys in college, I became very frightened that anyone I really liked would abandon me or be unfaithful, and I would end up suffering like my mom or my dad? Well choosing Nick was safe because he has no education and no plans, which means that hell always have fewer choices than me, I knew that if we lived together and maybe got married someday I wouldnt have to worry about him walking out… I was suddenly aware that in all the years weve known each other, I had rarely seen her happy… Who is the lucky man…Were both lucky… Gavin and I did everything differently compare to how I lived life before…

39 Important Resource Marriage Clinic John Gottman (available at the Baptist Seminary library) G686m c.2

40 The family is the context of most human problems The whole is greater than the sum of its parts Like all human groups, the family has emergent properties -fall into two categories 1.Structure and 2.Process

41 Family: The context of most problems 1. The structure of families includes triangles, subsystems, and boundaries. 2. The processes that describe family interactions-emotional reactivity, dysfunctional communication, etc.-the most central is circularity. Rather than worrying about who started what, family therapists understand and treat human problems as a series of moves and countermoves, in repeating cycles.

42 Family Therapy is New Psychiatry: Medical Model Psychiatry: Medical Model –Schizophrenia was not believed to be biological –Family is not included in hospital treatment –Family is believed to be the cause of illness –Psychiatrists are not trained to treat families Change the Family to change the Person Change the Family to change the Person –Change the Person and change the Family Theorists were smart researchers Theorists were smart researchers –Studied different parts to improve the whole

43 Triangle-Triangles-Triangulation A Three-Person system; according to Bowen, the smallest stable unit of human relationship. Diverting conflict between two people by involving a third. The unhappy mother uses her last born son to triangulate against his father She is unhappy with her marriage and to find stability and significance in her identity as a woman, she chose her youngest son to be a husband replacement: He is young and compliant

44 System (Family System) Mary Richmond, 1917 Families are not isolated wholes (closed systems), but exist in a particular social context, which interactively influences and is influenced by their functioning (they are open). Her approach to practice was to consider the potential effect of all interventions on every systemic level, and to understand and to use the reciprocal interaction of the systemic hierarchy for therapeutic purposes.

45 Family Tree Diagram Father Son-1 Son-1 Mother Daughter Son-2

46 Casts of the Dysfunctional Family Addict Enabler Adult-child: Man with problems; Gambling, affairs, rage & irresponsibility Mother who helps hide husbands serious problems Survival for me

47 Casts of the Dysfunctional Family Addict Enabler Mother who is trying to be the UN Peace- Keeper: Hoping things will not go out of her control Keep the peace: Survival for me

48 Casts of the Dysfunctional Family Addict Enabler Be Perfect: Problems will go away Hero I want to be hero too! I am worthy Win-Lose Rivalry Detach

49 Casts of the Dysfunctional Family Addict Enabler Rebel: Believing I am the problem Scapegoat

50 Casts of the Dysfunctional Family Addict Enabler Withdraws from Relationships: Numb Lost Child

51 Casts of the Dysfunctional Family Addict Enabler Makes laughter admist family tragedy Clown

52 Casts of the Dysfunctional Family Adapted from: Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse, 1985, Health Communications, FL Enabler: Tries to control to make things OK Hero: Be perfect & problems will go away Scapegoat: Rebel against family problems & then finally believing that s/he is the problem Lost Child: Retreats, withdraws & isolates self from meaningful relationships Mascot (Clown): Desperately makes everyone laugh admist the family tragedy. Pampered

53 Family of Origin & Marriage Parallel Process: Emotional Transference –Past infringes on Present (Unresolved conflicts) –Unconscious and/or Subconscious Process Generally not considered to be controllable The Present Recapitulates the Past –Using Present Experience to correct Past Wrongs Susceptibility stronger: Emotional Turmoil Develop Awareness and Insight: Consciousness Resolve Unfinished Businesses with family

54 Family of Origin & Marriage Parallel Process: Emotional Transference –Past infringes on Present (Unresolved conflicts) –Unconscious and/or Subconscious Process Generally not considered to be controllable The Present Recapitulates the Past –Using Present Experience to correct Past Wrongs Susceptibility stronger: Emotional Turmoil Develop Awareness and Insight: Consciousness Resolve Unfinished Businesses with family

55 Dysfunctional Family & Marital Relationships First-Born vs. First-Born: Control Issues –My way or the Highway –Hero: Perfectionism-Order-Clean & Rivalry Treating spouse like a child: Parental –I dont have to listen to you! –Who do you think you are? (Authoritarianism) –You do what I say! (Condescending) Conflict areas: Ineffective Communication –Intimacy achieved by fights

56 Dysfunctional Family & Marital Relationships First-Born vs. Last-Born (Hero-Baby) –Wife (first-born) vs. Husband (last-born) –Balanced relationship (Not equal healthy) Treating spouse like a child: Parental –You have to listen to me! (Authoritarianism) –Husband suffocates: Mid-Life Affairs Conflict areas: Ineffective Communication –Emotional-Physical-Sexual Intimacy Reduced

57 Dysfunctional Family & Marital Relationships First-Born vs. Middle (Hero-Lost Child) –Wife (first-born) vs. Husband (Lost-Child) –Better-Balanced relationship (But Unhealthy) Middle Childs Skill in Moderating Spouse –Passive-Aggressiveness & Frustration –Husband Rebels: Mid-Life Affairs Conflicts: Ineffective-Indirect Communication –Emotional-Physical-Sexual Intimacy Reduced

58 First-Born Daughters Not welcomed as child –Chinese chauvinism –Sexism: Boy over girl Organized-Helpful –Pseudo-Hero –Real-Scapegoat Mothers best friend –Moms Keeper Lacks childhood Men-Hating Mistrust

59 How Family-of-Origin Issues affect Marital Relationships Transfer of emotions transference –Where the past emotions are transferred –Free-floating anger, resentment, bitterness Fear of Merging (Intimacy & Closeness) The present recapitulates the past –Engaging spouse in fights to resolve past conflicts –Trying to prove a point (men are strong women are not) Unrealistic expectations on spouse Needing to prove a point (in order to redeem self)

60 Why Intimacy? What does intimacy remind you of? – Closeness – Physical closeness – Sexual relationship – Emotional closeness It is about fellowship with our Creator-God – To Know (yada) – Achieve understanding & relationship

61 Areas of Intimacy Physical: Touching Emotional: Support & Acceptance Verbal: Encouragements Spiritual: Prayer & Faith Development Psychological: Safety and Confidence

62 Developing Intimacy Through Effective Communication Copyright © Melvin Wong, Ph.D , All Rights Reserved Small Talk & Clichés Exchange of Facts Exchange of Judgments Exchange Feelings Commitments Sex Increases Trust, Intimacy Vulnerability Courtship begins The Final Stage of Intimacy Achieved! Friendship Acquaintance s

63 The Physical Intimacy-Orgasmic Cycle (Copyright © Melvin Wong, Ph.D ) Intimacy Always Feels Good! Emotional Intimacy Leads to Physical Intimacy! Physical Intimacy Can Lead to Orgasm! Orgasm Always Feels Good! Orgasmic Feeling is Intimacy? Physical Intimacy is an Antidote for: Loneliness, Low-Self Worth, Boredom, Aggression, Anger, Despair, Abandonment (Applies to Heterosexuals and Homosexuals)

64 Addiction-Acting-Out Cycle Copyright © Melvin Wong, Ph.D Compulsivity Deprivation Impulsivity Satiation Abuser-Victim Blame-Shame Guilt

65 To Live (Lifetimes) To Live (Lifetimes) Melvin W. Wong, Ph.D. Licensed Clinical Psychologist ChristianMentalHealth.com

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67 Shadow Puppet Show Shadow Puppet Show A form of ancient Television Puppets were made of leather for flexibility & durability with portability Illuminated from behind the scene This art: The common thread over the events A mans accidental career with this art form A way to illustrate the powerlessness & helplessness of the masses Survival To Live

68 To Live (Lifetimes) Features of the movie Chinese man: The gambler (addicted) Chinese man: The spoiled brat (scoundrel?) Chinese man: The irresponsible husband Chinese man: The irresponsible father Chinese woman: The servant (roles) Chinese woman: The neglected wife Chinese woman: The enabler Chinese woman: The the whistle blower

69 Plot of the movie The redemption of a traditional Chinese man Introduction to the last fifty years of modern day China 1. C ommunism: The emergence & justification of 2. N ationalist government: The problems –L–L–L–Low morale with the soldiers: Opportunistic –I–I–I–Irresponsibility: Sick Abandoned to die in the cold overnight –A–A–A–Atrocities were committed by the leaders (Abuse, corruption)

70 Plot of the movie Introduction to the specific political movements Communes for of idealistic community living Big Leap Forward (Backyard blacksmiths) The Red Guards: Cultural Revolution Atrocities Purging Re-Education of the Intellectuals –L–L–L–Labor & Re-Education Camps: Cow barns –E–E–E–Exiling of the young to the country side: Trauma –T–T–T–The uneducated assumes leadership: Atrocities

71 During the 1940s Master Xiu Fugui: –A–A–A–A spoiled adult-baby & his gambling addiction Special Treatment at this casino –P–P–P–Personal Financial account: Credit account Grandiose: Took over the puppeteer's work Gambling Development of Narcissism

72 Gambling Addiction Pregnant wife confronts husband at the casino Losing face of the husband Wife decided to leave him –H–H–H–He was overcome with shame and wept He lost his fathers house: Overcome with rage and suffered a stroke? Heart attack? He lost his father

73 Father and son relationship He disappointed his father by losing the house He caused the death of his father shame He accepted his wifes naming of son Dont gamble He cares for his son He care for his grandson

74 Husband and wife relationship Husband can be redeemed because of his good wife Wife was long-suffering and smart –L–L–L–Let husband be homeless until he gets it –S–S–S–Survived the family upon husbands disappearance Daughter held the hand of his dad to their home –C–C–C–Child is expected to be go-between

75 Chinese Communism & Psychological Effects Psychological effects on the Chinese people on the mainland Common Psychological Effects (PTSD features) –P–P–P–Pain and tragedy: Eating Bitterness Survival for the fittest –F–F–F–Fears-safety: Unable to control or predict future political events –M–M–M–Mistrust: Disruption of Basic Trust Bonding Parent-Child –T–T–T–Trauma-Bonding: Good & Bad Reinforces family living –P–P–P–Passive-Aggressiveness: Back Door Get around the system –E–E–E–Encouraged Mindlessness: Dumbing Down Effect –D–D–D–Deprivation of resources: Entitlement expectations –Blame mentality: Unable to self-reflect, grandiosity –Flee at all cost Make it no matter what

76 Chinese Communism & Psychological Effects Psychological effects on the Chinese people off the mainland Survivors guilt: Grief for family members on mainland Estrangement & Separation of family members –P–P–P–Political ideas separate family member for life –B–B–B–Broken families: uncle & niece constitute family –P–P–P–Polygamy by necessity

77 Psychological effects on the Chinese people on the mainland The Abandoned syndrome You owe me: It costs so much to go home! –S–S–S–Scheme & scandals: To milk money from abroad –M–M–M–Money for the sick, burials, business deals

78 Chinese Communism & Psychological Effects Psychological effects on the Chinese people in Taiwan They escaped the communists take over of the mainland –S–S–S–Self-determination: Starting over –P–P–P–Preferred to be called Taiwanese not Chinese –W–W–W–Wanting to be independent but fear of Chinese invasion Psychological effects on the Chinese migration –D–D–D–Determination to rebuild at all cost: Casualties –A–A–A–Anti-Communists, anti-Japanese –O–O–O–Only the well to do or intellectuals can emigrate

79 How did we learn to be intimate? Early infant bonding with parents – Bonding-Attachment: Prototype of adult intimacy – Imprinting of Safety- in-Closeness Soothing with closeness Consoling with closeness Early parenting of young children

80 Areas of Intimacy Physical: Touching Babies are Cute! –What is cute? –Softness: Treasuring –Innocence: Simple –Vulnerable: Needy Touching feels Good Good touch equals Good Relationship Non-Verbal Intimacy

81 Areas of Intimacy Verbal Encouragements Spiritual Faith Development Psychological Safety and Confidence

82 Attachment Dynamics: Secure (Modified from William Friedrich, 1995) Young Children Initiates Interaction Affective Sharing Readily Comforted Energy to Explore Spontaneity Care-Giver Warm Sensitively Attending Consistent Reliability Soothing Unconditional

83 Attachment Dynamics: Avoidant (Modified from William Friedrich, 1995) Young Children Little Preference for Care-Giver Mixes Avoidance with Proximity Little Affective Sharing Care-Giver Emotionally Unavailable Dislikes Neediness Favors Precocious Autonomy

84 Attachment Dynamics: Resistant (Modified from William Friedrich, 1995) Young Children Difficulty Separating Wary-Cautious Hypervigilance Mixes Contact Seeking with Resistance Care-Giver Unpredictable Insensitively- Responsive Not Attuned Hyperactive to Childs Fears Intrusive

85 If Family Life Were a Dinner Party The 1960s would have been the cocktail The 1970s would have been the appetizer The 1980s would have been the entree What about 1990? Time for dessert? What about the year 2000? No, everyone is sick to their stomach with indigestion. Some are throwing up and rushing to the restrooms!

86 What Went Wrong? The nature of sin – Intergenerational effect of sin (Exodus 20:5-6)

87 Exodus 20:5-6 (New International Version) You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments.

88 What Went Wrong? The nature of sin – Intergenerational effect of sin (Exodus 20:5-6) – A propensity toward sin and poor judgment – What can go wrong does go wrong Depravity of humankind Giving rise to pain and suffering Substance-Emotional dependency: Lessens pain

89 Healthy Intimacy Boundary Defined Parental: Intra-Spousal – Husband and wife are mature: Self-Contained – Husband and wife issues remain within them Parent-Child: Intergenerational – Intimate Parental issues are not disclosed Financial issues Sexual issues Familial Secrets

90 Family Tree Diagram Father Son-1 Son-1 Mother Daughter Son-2

91 Healthy Relationship Father Son-1 Son-1 Mother Daughter Son-2 Son separates from mom for psychological individuation successfully

92 Healthy Relationship Father Son-1 Son-1 Mother Daughter Son-2 Son attaches with dad for Gender-Identity formation successfully

93 Healthy Relationship Father Son-1 Son-1 Mother Daughter Son-2 Son separates from mom for psychological individuation successfully

94 Healthy Relationship Father Son-1 Son-1 Mother Daughter Son-2 Son attaches with dad for Gender-Identity formation sucessfully

95 Healthy Relationship Father Son-1 Son-1 Mother Daughter Son-2 Son separates from mom for psychological individuation successfully

96 Healthy Relationship Father Son-1 Son-1 Mother Daughter Son-2 Son attempts to attach to father for Gender- Identity formation

97 Unhealthy Relationship Begins Father Son-1 Son-1 Mother Daughter Son-2 Sons attempts to attach to father was rebuffed and he experiences rejection and hurt

98 Unhealthy Relationship Defensive Detachment Begins Father Son-1 Son-1 Mother Daughter Son-2 Sons attempts to defend against more pain from rejection by defensively detaching from fathers relationship emotionally

99 Unhealthy Relationship Defensive Attachment Begins Father Son-1 Son-1 Mother Daughter Son-2 Son has no choice but to re-attach with mom for emotional security

100 Unhealthy Relationship Defensive Attachment Continues Father Son-1 Son-1 Mother Daughter Son-2 Son has no choice but to re-attach with mom for emotional security Forming Defensive Attachment

101 Unhealthy Relationship Defensive Attachment Intensifies Father Son-1 Son-1 Mother Daughter Son-2 Son generalizes defensive detachment to defensively attach to girls and women: Non- aggressive & softer

102 Unhealthy Relationship Defensive Attachment Intensifies Father Son-1 Son-1 Mother Daughter Son-2 Father becomes a stanger Generalization intensifies. Father becomes a stanger Girl 1 Girl 2

103 Unhealthy Relationship Defensive Attachment Intensifies Father Son-1 Son-1 Mother Daughter Son-2 Men are unfamiliar Generalization intensifies. Men are unfamiliar Girl 1 Girl 2 Girlfriend

104 Unhealthy Relationship Defensive Attachment Solidifies Father Son-1 Son-1 Mother Daughter Son-2 Men are objectified- curious-sexualized Girl 1 Girl 2 Girlfriend Grandma

105 Unhealthy Relationship Defensive Attachment Solidifies Father Son-1 Son-1 Mother Daughter Son-2 Men are objectified- curious-sexualized Girl 1 Girl 2 Girlfriend Grandma Aunt 1

106 Child Satisfies Parents Needs Mother – Child becomes mothers best friend He keeps me company, not alone! He keeps me from being scared at night Mom tells me all of her secrets! I am special! I must be loyal to her! She is mine! I am hers! Father – Child becomes father's crutch Significance derived from sons incompetence

107 Child Satisfies Parents Needs Mother – Has emotional baggages from own family – Was an Adult-Child (child in an adult body) – Expects spouse or child to meet her needs Father (Failed to meet wifes emotional needs) – Naive to wifes immense emotional needs Backs away from her emotional neediness Drives her further into a demanding state Sets off vicious cycle: Cat and mouse game

108 When Intimacy is Disrupted Parents are absent physically or emotionally Young child was not emotionally affirmed Childs Personal-Sexual identity immature Child searches for identity substitution Child attempts to provide Self-Parenting – Hurried-Child Syndrome: No childhood – Adequate Self Physical Care: Not Emotional

109 Re-Establishing Health Family Intimacy May not be possible at all Begins with recognizing presence of dysfunction – Denial is the first survival defense: No shame-blame – Takes courage to confront the truth in family – Courage to confront pain & personal responsibilities Making amends: Forgive and be forgiven – Process of courage: Forgive-Reconcile-Restoration Re-establishing normal communication Can set clear limits and boundaries with family

110 Re-Establishing Health Family Intimacy Begin with verbal communication first – Talk freely with self-disclosure – Can offer and receive verbal compliments Continues with physical closeness – Socially-appropriate physical touches Continues with more verbal intimacy – More open self-disclosure: Safe secrets Getting a raise-promotion, lay-off, some finances Relationships: good and bad

111 Re-Establishing Health Family Intimacy Finding a Home away from home – New family substitute – Spiritual-Emotional-Physical closeness achievable On-going relationship with people – No crossing of boundaries and limits – Can take personal responsibilities Free to say No? without guild Can confide in 2 or 3 significant people – Finding acceptance and affirmation

112 Process of Relief from Pain Acknowledge powerlessness: Nothing I can do Understand forgiveness: Can forgive not forget Forgiveness is one way: To benefit you –True forgiveness requires confronting your pain –True forgiveness requires admitting your wrong –True forgiveness requires empathy for wrong doer Reconciliation: Two ways: Requires other Restoration: Last step in normalizing relationship When you are stuck: Victimhood-martyrdom –Self righteousness, avoid pain, control by holding grudge: Bitterness, Resentment, Sarcasm, Gossiping

113 Flexible Family Dynamic Shared Leadership Role Sharing Democratic Discipline Change When Necessary

114 Structured Family Dynamic Leadership Sometimes Shared Roles Stable Somewhat Democratic Discipline Change When Demanded

115 Separated Family Dynamic I-We We is low I is moderate Little Loyalty Interdependent More Independence than Dependence

116 Connected Family Dynamic I-We I is Moderate We is High Some Loyalty Interdependent More Dependence than Independence

117 Chaotic Family Dynamic Lack of Leadership Dramatic Role Shifts Erratic Discipline Too Much (too Great) Change

118 Rigid Family Dynamic Authoritarian Leadership Roles Seldom Change Strict Discipline Too Little Change

119 Enmeshed Family Dynamic WE We Very High High Loyalty High Dependence

120 Disengaged Family Dynamic I Little Closeness Lack of Loyalty High Independence

121 Boundary Emotional and physical barriers that protect and enhance the integrity of individuals, subsystems, and families

122 Family Systems Secret What is the Family Systems Secret? Fix the Marriage Then The Family is Fixed

123 Bad Marriage is the Context of Most of Human Problems Family is Bad: Father & Mother are Bad Like all human groups, the family has emergent properties – Parental Happiness determines family happiness 1.How to be Happily Married? and 2.How to keep Children Happy?

124 Subsystems & Boundaries Families are structured in Subsystems as determined by Generation, gender, common interests and function which are demarcated by interpersonal Boundaries The invisible barriers that regulate the amount of contact with others Boundaries safeguard the separateness and autonomy of the family and its subsystem

125 Masters of Family Therapy Salvador Minuchin

126 Biography Salvador Minuchin First-born son from an Argentinean-Jewish family First-born son from an Argentinean-Jewish family Complex, closed-extended family community: Gossips Complex, closed-extended family community: Gossips Defended Jewish identity & Argentinean freedom Defended Jewish identity & Argentinean freedom –Imprisoned for political struggle against dictatorship: Peron Studied to be a pediatrician to be a child psychologist Studied to be a pediatrician to be a child psychologist Worked with delinquent youths multi-culturally Worked with delinquent youths multi-culturally Dated & married Pat: Capitalist Spent 3 months: 1 st date Dated & married Pat: Capitalist Spent 3 months: 1 st date Visited other family therapy research groups 70s Visited other family therapy research groups 70s Not a good team psychiatrist Not sexist Convinced Not a good team psychiatrist Not sexist Convinced Empirical observations of families: Psychosomatic families Empirical observations of families: Psychosomatic families

127 Structural Family Therapy (Minuchin) ConstructsStructure The invisible set of functional demands (rules, roles, etc.) that organize the ways in which family members interact. The invisible set of functional demands (rules, roles, etc.) that organize the ways in which family members interact. These form repeated transactions or patterns of how, when, and who to interact with, which underpin the system and its functioning. These form repeated transactions or patterns of how, when, and who to interact with, which underpin the system and its functioning.

128 Structural Family Therapy (Minuchin) Subsystems The family system differentiates and carries out its functions through subsystems, which include each individual as a subsystem, and other combinations, including generational, gender, interest, or function/role subsystems. The family system differentiates and carries out its functions through subsystems, which include each individual as a subsystem, and other combinations, including generational, gender, interest, or function/role subsystems. Families typically include a marital subsystem, a parental subsystem, and a sibling subsystem. Families typically include a marital subsystem, a parental subsystem, and a sibling subsystem.

129 Structural Family Therapy (Minuchin) Boundaries To ensure proper family functioning, the boundaries of subsystems must be clear. To ensure proper family functioning, the boundaries of subsystems must be clear. A boundary is described as the rules that define who participates and how. A boundary is described as the rules that define who participates and how. It functions to protect the differentiation and separateness of subsystems and facilitate transactions among subsystems. It functions to protect the differentiation and separateness of subsystems and facilitate transactions among subsystems.

130 Structural Family Therapy (Minuchin) Boundaries are described on a continuum From Diffuse (Enmeshment) From Diffuse (Enmeshment) –Forming an enmeshed style of transactions in the system, to Rigid (Disengaged Boundary) Rigid (Disengaged Boundary) –Forming a disengaged style of transactions in the system

131 Structural Family Therapy (Minuchin) Healthy Family Functioning In healthy families, there is a clear hierarchy, In healthy families, there is a clear hierarchy, with parents functioning as executive subsystem with effective power, with parents functioning as executive subsystem with effective power, children in a sibling subsystem, less power, though this changes developmentally over time. children in a sibling subsystem, less power, though this changes developmentally over time.

132 Structural Family Therapy (Minuchin) Boundaries are clear, flexible and permeable among all members, and between subsystems, meaning members can communicate with one another, can access others' time, attention and energy. Boundaries are clear, flexible and permeable among all members, and between subsystems, meaning members can communicate with one another, can access others' time, attention and energy. Parents are aligned and function jointly, marital relationship is open internally, but clearly separate from children. Parents are aligned and function jointly, marital relationship is open internally, but clearly separate from children.

133 Structural Family Therapy (Minuchin) Rules and roles are clearly and explicitly defined, yet with some flexibility across circumstances, and changing over time as children develop. Rules and roles are clearly and explicitly defined, yet with some flexibility across circumstances, and changing over time as children develop.

134 Structural Family Therapy (Minuchin) Unhealthy Family Functioning In unhealthy families, any or all of these are missing or distorted. In unhealthy families, any or all of these are missing or distorted. There may be overly rigid or diffuse boundaries between persons or subsystems, There may be overly rigid or diffuse boundaries between persons or subsystems, reversed hierarchy with children having too much power influence, reversed hierarchy with children having too much power influence,

135 Structural Family Therapy (Minuchin) coalitions across subsystems, coalitions across subsystems, conflict within subsystems, conflict within subsystems, cross-subsystem alignments, cross-subsystem alignments, rules and roles are ambiguous or conflicting, rules and roles are ambiguous or conflicting, or remain fixed as children grow older, or remain fixed as children grow older, system may be disengaged or enmeshed. system may be disengaged or enmeshed.

136 Structural Family Therapy (Minuchin) Therapy Goals Structural family therapy goals focus on restructuring, altering any or all of the structural components, thereby promoting changes in symptoms and symptom- maintaining behaviors of members.

137 Structural Family Therapy (Minuchin) Examples of restructuring goals would be establishing an effective hierarchy, Examples of restructuring goals would be establishing an effective hierarchy, making boundaries more flexible or less diffuse, making boundaries more flexible or less diffuse, deconstructing coalitions, deconstructing coalitions, establishing healthy alignments, establishing healthy alignments, improving within subsystem communication, improving within subsystem communication,

138 Structural Family Therapy (Minuchin) clarifying or establishing clear rules and roles, changing these to reflect developmental processes. clarifying or establishing clear rules and roles, changing these to reflect developmental processes.

139 Structural Family Therapy (Minuchin) Assessment Assessment is accomplished through a combination of inquiry, using circular questions as a tracking method, joining, with the therapist interacting with the family members, and observation using enactments in which the family interacts around a topic or issue. Assessment is accomplished through a combination of inquiry, using circular questions as a tracking method, joining, with the therapist interacting with the family members, and observation using enactments in which the family interacts around a topic or issue. Family maps may be constructed by the therapist and/or members, depicting structural components. Family maps may be constructed by the therapist and/or members, depicting structural components.

140 Structural Family Therapy (Minuchin) Interventions The therapy employs brief, direct, active restructuring interventions. The therapy employs brief, direct, active restructuring interventions. The sequence of these may include joining, enactments, diagnosing, highlighting and modifying interactions, boundary making, unbalancing and challenging family assumptions (rules and roles). The sequence of these may include joining, enactments, diagnosing, highlighting and modifying interactions, boundary making, unbalancing and challenging family assumptions (rules and roles).

141 Structural Family Therapy (Minuchin) Others include shaping competence, Others include shaping competence, emphasizing positive and effective behaviors; emphasizing positive and effective behaviors; and reframing behaviors from negative to positive. and reframing behaviors from negative to positive.

142 Structural Family Therapy (Minuchin) Others include shaping competence, Others include shaping competence, emphasizing positive and effective behaviors; emphasizing positive and effective behaviors; and reframing behaviors from negative to positive. and reframing behaviors from negative to positive.

143 Circumplex Family Map Low Cohesion High

144 Circumplex Family Map Low Cohesion High High Low AdaptabilityAdaptabilityAdaptabilityAdaptability

145 Circumplex Family Map Low Cohesion High High Low AdaptabilityAdaptabilityAdaptabilityAdaptability Flexibly Connected

146 Circumplex Family Map Low Cohesion High High Low AdaptabilityAdaptabilityAdaptabilityAdaptability Flexibly Connected Structurally Connected

147 Circumplex Family Map Low Cohesion High High Low AdaptabilityAdaptabilityAdaptabilityAdaptability Flexibly Connected Structurally Connected Flexibly Separated

148 Circumplex Family Map Low Cohesion High High Low AdaptabilityAdaptabilityAdaptabilityAdaptability Flexibly Connected Structurally Connected Flexibly Separated Structurally Separated

149 Circumplex Family Map Low Cohesion High High Low AdaptabilityAdaptabilityAdaptabilityAdaptability Flexibly Connected Structurally Connected Flexibly Separated Structurally Separated Chaotically Connected

150 Circumplex Family Map Low Cohesion High High Low AdaptabilityAdaptabilityAdaptabilityAdaptability Flexibly Connected Structurally Connected Flexibly Separated Structurally Separated Chaotically Connected Flexibly Enmeshed

151 Circumplex Family Map Low Cohesion High High Low AdaptabilityAdaptabilityAdaptabilityAdaptability Flexibly Connected Structurally Connected Flexibly Separated Structurally Separated Chaotically Connected Flexibly Enmeshed Rigidly Connected

152 Circumplex Family Map Low Cohesion High High Low AdaptabilityAdaptabilityAdaptabilityAdaptability Flexibly Connected Structurally Connected Flexibly Separated Structurally Separated Chaotically Connected Flexibly Enmeshed Rigidly Connected Structurally Enmeshed

153 Circumplex Family Map Low Cohesion High High Low AdaptabilityAdaptabilityAdaptabilityAdaptability Flexibly Connected Structurally Connected Flexibly Separated Structurally Separated Chaotically Connected Flexibly Enmeshed Rigidly Connected Structurally Enmeshed Chaotically Separated

154 Circumplex Family Map Low Cohesion High High Low AdaptabilityAdaptabilityAdaptabilityAdaptability Flexibly Connected Structurally Connected Flexibly Separated Structurally Separated Chaotically Connected Flexibly Enmeshed Rigidly Connected Structurally Enmeshed Chaotically Separated Flexibly Disengaged

155 Circumplex Family Map Low Cohesion High High Low AdaptabilityAdaptabilityAdaptabilityAdaptability Flexibly Connected Structurally Connected Flexibly Separated Structurally Separated Chaotically Connected Flexibly Enmeshed Rigidly Connected Structurally Enmeshed Chaotically Separated Flexibly Disengaged Rigidly Separated

156 Circumplex Family Map Low Cohesion High High Low AdaptabilityAdaptabilityAdaptabilityAdaptability Flexibly Connected Structurally Connected Flexibly Separated Structurally Separated Chaotically Connected Flexibly Enmeshed Rigidly Connected Structurally Enmeshed Chaotically Separated Flexibly Disengaged Rigidly Separated Chaotically Enmeshed

157 Circumplex Family Map Low Cohesion High High Low AdaptabilityAdaptabilityAdaptabilityAdaptability Flexibly Connected Structurally Connected Flexibly Separated Structurally Separated Chaotically Connected Flexibly Enmeshed Rigidly Connected Structurally Enmeshed Chaotically Separated Flexibly Disengaged Rigidly Separated Chaotically Enmeshed Rigidly Enmeshed

158 Circumplex Family Map Low Cohesion High High Low AdaptabilityAdaptabilityAdaptabilityAdaptability Flexibly Connected Structurally Connected Flexibly Separated Structurally Separated Chaotically Connected Flexibly Enmeshed Rigidly Connected Structurally Enmeshed Chaotically Separated Flexibly Disengaged Rigidly Separated Chaotically Enmeshed Rigidly Enmeshed Chaotically Disengaged

159 Circumplex Family Map Low Cohesion High High Low AdaptabilityAdaptabilityAdaptabilityAdaptability Flexibly Connected Structurally Connected Flexibly Separated Structurally Separated Chaotically Connected Flexibly Enmeshed Rigidly Connected Structurally Enmeshed Chaotically Separated Flexibly Disengaged Rigidly Separated Chaotically Enmeshed Rigidly Enmeshed Chaotically Disengaged Rigidly Disengaged

160 Circumplex Family Map Low Cohesion High High Low AdaptabilityAdaptabilityAdaptabilityAdaptability Flexibly Connected Structurally Connected Flexibly Separated Structurally Separated Chaotically Connected Flexibly Enmeshed Rigidly Connected Structurally Enmeshed Chaotically Separated Flexibly Disengaged Rigidly Separated Chaotically Enmeshed Rigidly Enmeshed Chaotically Disengaged Rigidly Disengaged Rigidly Engaged

161 Marriage and Family Counseling in Chinese Context An Introduction Copyright © Melvin W. Wong, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved Western Seminary, Los Gatos, California Chinese Ministries Program 2 Unit Intensive Melvin W. Wong, Ph.D. Licensed Clinical Psychologist ChristianMentalHealth.com Family, Forensic & Neuropsychology 220 Montgomery St., Suite 1098, San Francisco, CA A Paseo Padre Parkway, Fremont, CA Tel (510)

162 What is Asian-Chinese culture? Asian-Chinese Asian-Chinese (Asian: Ethnic Chinese) is an extremely diversed group of Asians ethnically from all over Asian with different cultural, religious, economic and political backgrounds. Koreans, Japanese, Chinese, Taiwanese, South-East Asians Asians (Vietnam, Laos, Cambodia, Burma, Thai, Singapore, Malaysia, Indonesia) As As diversed as we are : are : There are common threads: Rice, Chop-sticks, Family Values, Education, Arts, with diversed ethnic subcultures

163 Asian-Chinese Cultural Understanding Life is a stage: Role-play Being a Person: = Life is about On-stage, Off-stage:, –I–I–I–In an interpersonal shameful situation, it is known as hard to get off stage –T–T–T–To help, provide a graceful exit: Detested Characters (animal-temperament) –H–H–H–Human-faced, Animal hearted –W–W–W–Wild-animal put in a mans dress

164 Asian-American Cultural Understanding Filial Piety (most favored virtue): Education,,= Favors sons over daughters: – – Conformity & Self-Denial: Gentlemen vs. the Conceited:

165 Early Immigrant Pattern Early Chinese immigrants as laborers Early Chinese immigrants as laborers –Driven by economic and political unrest –Risk takers and outcasts from their local communities –Mostly men and very few women Later Chinese immigrants as family builders Later Chinese immigrants as family builders –Bachelors take brides from their own village –Couples strive to be economically independent »Mom-Pop stores: Groceries, laudries, restaurants Intellectuals: Exchange-Foreign students who stayed Intellectuals: Exchange-Foreign students who stayed

166 Current Immigrant Pattern Later Chinese immigrants were investors Driven by political unrest: Hong Kong 1997 Driven by political unrest: Hong Kong 1997 –Economic uncertainties –Refugees from China: Refugees from Hong Kong Brain-drain Skilled immigrants Brain-drain Skilled immigrants –The best and the brightest –The real bright will choose to remain »Political background and support

167 Patterns of Immigration Bachelor laborer Laborer and his village (mail order) bride Children of laborer and village bride Bright scholar from big cities at ivy league Foreign students who stayed Pre-post 1997 political refugees –B–B–B–Bosses and professional Children of Shanghainese elites: ivy league

168 Basic Human Conditions & Chinese Cultural Perspectives (Adapted from Rev. Daniel Ng, Chinese Churches Today, 26, Dec. 2000) Issue of Existence: Reasons for Living Issue of Lifes Crises: Reasons for Pain Issue of Death: Perspectives on Dying

169 Asian-American Culture & Philosophies (* Local-Domestic Origins) *Confucianism Buddhism *Taoism Western-Christianity *Self-Material-Pragmatism

170 The Five-Hierarchical Harmonious Relationships (The Five-Orders Wu Lun) Copyright (C) Melvin W. Wong, Ph.D

171 Order 1: The King and his Subjects,,,, If the king decrees death to his subject, if he doesnt kill himself; it is not loyalty Authoritarianism: Authoritarianism: Do as the king says, obey –Reinforces –Reinforces dependency : dependency : Emperor's new clothes –Hypocrisy: –Hypocrisy: Public self vs. Private self Self-identity –Externalized –Externalized locus of control: Reduced personal responsibility The The all-powerful king: analogous with god Deified Deified king: Idolized-worshipped the king

172 Order 2: Father and Son,, If father wants his son to die, if he doesnt kill himself; it is not filial piety Fatherhood Fatherhood equals Kingdom government Generalized Generalized authority to the elderly : elderly : Wisdom Authoritarianism : Authoritarianism : Do as the father says, obey –Reinforces –Reinforces dependency: Must please father –Externalized –Externalized locus of control: Reduced personal responsibility

173 Filial Piety Resulting Resulting virtue of a harmonious relationship between father and child is Filial Piety First-born First-born son is most valued: first-born son is the first child that can carry on the family lineage Fathers Fathers have unquestioned authority over their children –have –have the right to the lives of their children –The –The reasoning is that, They are my own. This This virtue gave rise to patriarchy and nepotism Ancestor-worship Ancestor-worship (Idolization of ancestors) –Complex –Complex of respect and fear for the deceased

174 Reciprocity-Entitlement-Empathy Reciprocity (Family Culture Demands It) –D–D–D–Duty > Personal Desire = Sacrifice; Payback –T–T–T–Trauma Re-Enactment of Mother-In-Laws Entitlement (Takes It For Granted) –D–D–D–Do It, Give It, Or Else! (Shame-Guilt-Injury) Empathy (Lack of) Form > Will –D–D–D–Do It-Perform It-You Dont Have to Like It –M–M–M–My Way > Your Needs (Self > Others)

175 Order 3: Older brother and younger brother Brothers (older and younger) are like hands and feet (they are irreplaceable, blood is thicker than water) Older-brother in command during fathers absence Facilitates family operations: Internally-externally Authoritarianism: Do as the brother says, obey –R–R–R–Reinforces dependency: Must please brother –E–E–E–Externalized locus of control: Reduced personal responsibility

176 Order 4: Husband and Wife Relationships between husband and wife is similar to clothing (change them at will) Womens identity begins after marriage : Authoritarianism: Do as the husband says, obey Reinforces dependency: Husband-pleasing Externalized locus of control: Reduced personal responsibility Faithfulness in marriage: Wife must be chaste

177 Order 4: Husband and Wife Relationships between husband and wife is similar to clothing (change them at will) Womens identity begins after marriage : Authoritarianism: Do as the husband says, obey Reinforces dependency: Husband-pleasing Externalized locus of control: Reduced personal responsibility Faithfulness in marriage: Wife must be chaste

178 Dependent Identity of Women Dependency vs. Independency Tasks Seasons of Dependency Developmental Dependency of Women Three stages of Identity formation Three stages of Identity formation Depends on father when young Depends on father when young Depends on husband when married Depends on husband when married Depends on son when old Depends on son when old

179 Husband and Wife Relationships Women suffer and sacrifice silently She becomes a martyr-sacrificial lamb of the dysfunctional family & inflicts the same pain upon her daughter and in-laws She copes by Denial and Resignation: fate Poor husband-Wife relationship is the norm Extra-marital affairs, Informal Mistresses, Concubines, Polygamy

180 Common Marital Disorders Angry Husband - Depressed-Hurt Wife Angry Wife - Withdrawn Husband Avoidance of Emotional Involvements –F–F–F–Focus on the Concrete, Practical issues –O–O–O–Over-Rationalization, Over-Intellectualization –J–J–J–Judgment Passing: Reason, Right or Wrong Rigid Structure, Non-Cohesive: Stress prone

181 Biblical Order of Relationships The New Five-Orders Copyright © Melvin W.Wong, Ph.D Christ 1. Christ the King and His Children Children (Isaiah (Isaiah 9:6-7) Love and Sacrifice 2. Father 2. Father and Mother (Exodus 20:12) Love and Honor (Leave, Cleave becoming one flesh) 3. Husband 3. Husband and Wife (Ephesians 5:21-25 ) Love and Commitment 4. Parents 4. Parents and Children (Ephesians 6:1-2 ) Love and Acceptance 5. Fellowship 5. Fellowship of Believers, Friend-Foe (1 John 4:11-12 ) One another love, Hospitality & Forgiveness (Mat 22:39)

182 Chinese Culture in a Nutshell It is a Shame-Based Culture

183 Eight Facets of Chinese Face Work After Bond and Hwang Six types of face work © Melvin W.Wong, Ph.D LevelDescriptionManifestation Chinese pinyin 1 Enhancing your own face Etiquette consciousness yao mianzi (lian) 2 Enhancing others face Reciprocity gei mianzi (lian) 3 Losing your own face Shame, humiliation diu mianzi, diu lian 4 Hurting others face Retaliation for shame felt shang mianzi 5 Saving your own face Avoid shame, be proper baocun mianzi 6 Saving others face No criticism, give apology mian mian ju yuan 7 Borrowing others face No give an excuse jie lian 8 Tearing your own face Relationship destroyed mou mian

184

185 Day Three

186 Marital Affairs and Sexuality 1.Understanding the psychodynamics of Affairs in Marriages 2.Sexuality and Intimacy issues in Marriages 3.Prevention Strategies for Affairs and Emotional/Sexual Dependencies 4.Treatment Issues for Emotionally Dead Marital Relationships: The Key Points

187 1:6-9

188 Titus1:6-9 NIV An elder must be blameless, the husband of but one wife, a man whose children believe and are not open to the charge of being wild and disobedient. 7 Since an overseer is entrusted with God's work, he must be blameless -- not overbearing, not quick-tempered, not given to drunkenness, not violent, not pursuing dishonest gain. 8 Rather he must be hospitable, one who loves what is good, who is self-controlled, upright, holy and disciplined. 9 He must hold firmly to the trustworthy message as it has been taught, so that he can encourage others by sound doctrine and refute those who oppose it.

189 Types of Ministry Sexual Issues Attempts in Narcissistic Self-Repair 1.Active (Pre-meditated, Planned) 2.Passive (Not Consciously-Planned)

190 Chinese Cultural Understanding G ood listener Outside Encounter Unintended ( ) Outside Marriage Love (Infatuation-Obession)

191 Narcissistic Self-Repair Self-Esteem Issues: I am Important-Worthy –I–I am lovable –I–I must not be ignored or abandoned –I–I enjoy (crave) attention from pretty women Control–Mastery Issues –I–It hurts too much to be unloved –I–I must love myself (Egotism-Narcissism) –I–I will succeed in intimacy striving myself

192 Types of Ministry Sexual Issues Attempts in Narcissistic Self-Repair 1.Active (Pre-meditated, Planned) 2.Passive (Not Consciously-Planned) 1.Neediness: Push-Pull effect ( ) 2.Pain Reduction: Escape from suffering 3.Opportunistic: Put self in vulnerable situation 4.Object of love obsession: Your fan 5.Trapped to be destroyed: Revenge driven

193 Active (Pre-meditated, Planned) Pedophiles (Child-Molesters) Exploitative-Oppressive Expressions Can be seen in early teenage years Two groups –M–Married with children: Socialized other problems (Money: borrowing, embezzle) –S–Single: Isolated & under-or-unsocialized The most dangerous group if smart & charismatic Have serial marriage, as rapists & serial killers

194 Passive (Not Planned) Neediness: Push-Pull effect ( ) Pull Effects (External factors) 1.Post-modernism in the 21 st century 2.Sex culture in post-modernist life 3.Media: TV, movies, video programs, advertising 4.Why? Sex sells! Visual stimulation of men Push Effects (Internal factors) 1.Unsatisfied marital relationship : Mid-life crisis 2.Career Disillusions: Sense of failure 3.Childrens birth & growth: empty nest

195 Diagnosing Narcissism 1.Grandiosity: Arrogance 2.Entitlement: I deserve 3.Lack of Empathy: White Lies

196 Passive (Not Planned) Pain Reduction: Escape from suffering Neediness: Push Effect ( ) 1.Doubted marriage decision was a good one 2.Wife is not supportive: Source of frustration 3.Marital relationship maintained: But unhappy 4.Conflicts are denied: No skill to resolve or repair 5.With increased responsibilities: More frustration 6.Unassertive husband bears pain & wished it ends 7.Novelty extra-marital relationship: No history, New

197 Passive (Not Planned) 1.Opportunistic: Put self in vulnerable situation 2.Unaware of limits & boundaries 1.Adult-child of dysfunctional family 1.Physically, emotionally or sexually abused 2.Unhealthy emotional limits; greed 3.Too much disclosure of personal-marital issues 4.Unable to say no to women excessive self disclosure 5.Tangled in dual relationships: church secretary 3.Cant say no to pretty women: Pedestal effect 1.Wife has a bad history: This woman does not 2.This woman is younger & prettier: Theres hope

198 Passive (Not Planned) 1.Object of love obsession: Your fan 2.Secret admirer: Relationship in the mind 3.You are object of an emotional transference 1.An ideal husband that should be or have been 2.An ideal father who is loving and warm 3.An old boy friend who was nicer than spouse 4.She loves you to avenge your wife for it is not fair because she s too lucky

199 Passive (Not Planned) Trapped to be destroyed: Revenge driven 1.Woman is a men-hater: Conquer them! 2.Power & control expressed by woman 1.Usually very attractive, show-off & intelligent 2.Casual & easy sex: To catch you 1.Uses relationship as black-mail 2.Uses relationship or pregnancy to black-mail 3.Part-time relationship better than no relationship 3.Unusual reason: Spiritual warfare?

200 Reduced sexual desires for spouse: Age vs. health Spouse unwilling to satisfy sexual desire Pornography preoccupies your life Masturbation into marriage : Spouse unaware Sexual attraction to female other than your wife Sexual experience with woman in your church Sexual experience with your wife s best friend Same-sex feelings that do not go away with prayer

201 Developing Intimacy Through Effective Communication Copyright © Melvin Wong, Ph.D , All Rights Reserved Small Talk & Clichés Exchange of Facts Exchange of Judgments Exchange Feelings Commitments Sex Increases Trust, Intimacy Vulnerability Courtship begins The Final Stage of Intimacy Achieved! Friendship Acquaintance s

202 Seven Levels of Emotional & Physical Communication Copyright 2001 (c) Melvin W. Wong, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved

203 The Physical Intimacy-Orgasmic Cycle (Copyright © Melvin Wong, Ph.D ) Intimacy Always Feels Good! Emotional Intimacy Leads to Physical Intimacy! Physical Intimacy Can Lead to Orgasm! Orgasm Always Feels Good! Orgasmic Feeling is Intimacy? Physical Intimacy is an Antidote for: Loneliness, Low-Self Worth, Boredom, Aggression, Anger, Despair, Abandonment (Applies to Heterosexuals and Homosexuals)

204 The Physical Intimacy-Orgasmic Cycle (Copyright © Melvin Wong, Ph.D. 2000)

205

206 Four Horsemen of Apocalypse Criticism Defensiveness Contempt Stonewalling

207 Four Horsemen of Apocalypse Criticism Defensiveness Contempt Stonewalling Prevention De- Escalation

208

209 Ephesians 4:26-27 "In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.

210 4:31-32

211 Ephesians 4:31-32 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

212 Criticism Four Horsemen of Apocalypse Statement that implies something is globally wrong with your spouse, a lasting aspect of your spouses character You always… (Criticism and not complaint) You never… (Criticism and not complaint) Complaint: Im upset over dinner for you talked only about yourself and didnt ask how was my day, I felt hurt. Criticism: How can you treat me this way? Dont you care about my feelings? I have feelings too! What kind of selfish person are you? Whats wrong with you? Why are you so uncaring? I cant believe you did this to me! Criticism gives rise to Defensiveness

213 Defensiveness Four Horsemen of Apocalypse Any attempt to defend oneself from a perceived attack. To get back at the complainer with a counter-complaint And you get so aggressive after you get upset, thats the part I dont like, thats the part I fear about you. How about when you explode into a tantrum last time? Retroactive Deserving you never admit you are wrong, you blame your spouse for not preventing the mistake you made, therefore it is your spouses fault I didnt pay our credit card because you didnt remind me!! Defensiveness is denying responsibility for the problem, not solve it

214 Contempt Four Horsemen of Apocalypse Statement or behavior that puts yourself on a higher plane over your spouse Contempt takes the form of mockery/insult Its not, I could care less, its I couldnt care less. At least get that right! Condescending facial expression with eye-roll & upward glance, as if imploring the Lord for help! (Contemptuous facial expression of husbands can predict wives infectious illness over next four years. Lonely husbands married to contemptuous wives got physically ill more often than other husbands) Gottman, 1994

215 Stonewalling Four Horsemen of Apocalypse Stonewalling is when the listener withdraws from the interaction, involving one spouse leaving Men are consistently more likely to stonewall than women –85% of stonewallers were men –A withdrawal in the service of self-soothing: Upsetting to women –When women stonewall: Divorce predictor Women are more likely than men to criticize When the wife criticizing more than the husband & the husband stonewalling more than the wife: This is predictive of divorce

216 Emotional Disengagement When no Four Horsemen are present An absent of affect, the marriage is emotionally dead –No joy, affection or humor, or engagement of anger or conflicts Spouses are like passing ships in the night (parrallel lives) They do not appear to experience each other as friends There is a lot of unacknowledged tension (facial, vocal & somatic) They keep saying everything is ok. (Denial, playing house) High level of physiological arousal during conflicts Little attempt on the part of either spouse to soothe others

217 Four Horsemen of Apocalypse Criticism Defensiveness Contempt Stonewalling Prevention De- Escalation

218 Five Basic Conflict Prevention Skills Adapted from: John Gottman, The Marriage Clinic, 1999 Softened Start-up Repair & De-Escalation Accepting Influence Compromise Physiological Soothing

219 ( ) : ( ) : ( )

220 Narcissism Features Over Self-Evaluation : False Self-Confidence Exploitation of others in name of ministry Entitlement : Self-expectations of special treatment Narcissistic Injury: Rage when criticized Lacks Empathy : Bad Taste Humor Cant comfort Preoccupation with Envy: They compare Absence of Guilt & Introspection

221 Dealing with unhealthy defenses Intellectualization : If I can think about it and it is logical, it must be right Rationalization : It is reasonable, therefore it must be right Spiritualization : There is a Biblical support, therefore it must be right Justification : Therefore, it is right and no one can challenge me! Accountability & Counseling : Check reality

222 Over-Coming The Pitfalls Build Friendships: Dual Relationships & Boundaries. Can you have a church buddy? –L–Learn to establish intimate relationships: Vulnerability –V–Variety of friendships, no dual relationships –F–Friend to your Spouse & Children Balance of Rational-Emotional Awareness Accountability Group: Other pastors, counselor Get Personal Counseling for self: Confidentiality

223 Sexual Desires and the Pursuit of Holiness Available at

224 Counseling Teenage Rebellion Copyright © Melvin Wong, Ph.D All Rights Reserved Melvin W. Wong, Ph.D. Licensed Clinical Psychologist Tel (510) Fax (510) Montgomery St., Suite 1098, San Francisco, CA Mowry Ave., Fremont, CA 94538

225 Philippians 2:15 (NIV) Philippians 2:15 (NIV) so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe

226 How Well Do you Know your Kids Barbara Kantrowitz & Pat Wingert, 38-39How Well Do you Know your Kids Barbara Kantrowitz & Pat Wingert, Almost Almost half of youths today lived through their parents divorce 63% 63% of youths live in households where parents work outside of the home 25% 25% say their mothers were home when they return from school 98% 98% teens spent 11 hour/week watching TV Teenagers Teenagers spend 3.5 hrs. alone daily

227 The Disconnected Generation Saving Our Youth from Self-Destruction (McDowell, Josh. Project 911.) by Josh McDowell Josh McDowell List Price: $14.99 Our Price: $11.99 You Save: $3.00 (20%) Josh McDowell Paperback pages (July 2000) Word Books; ISBN: X ; Dimensions (in inches): 0.72 x 8.95 x 6.01

228 The Disconnected Generation Saving Our Youth From Self-Destruction TheThe real battle is not in the amoral and immoral influences of our culture, but in the hearts of our kids. Today's young people are losing hope because they feel isolated and alienated from their parents. parents. They are the disconnected generation.

229 Biblical Principle for Parents Stewardship -Reward Sons are a heritage from the LORD, children a reward from him. Psalm 127:3 127:3

230 Biblical Principle for Parents Training - Guidance Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it. Proverbs 22:6 22:6

231 Josh McDowell's Handbook on Counseling Youth A Comprehensive Guide for Equipping Youth Workers, Pastors, Teachers, and Parents by Josh McDowell, Josh McDowell,Josh McDowellJosh McDowell Bob Hostetler Bob Hostetler List Price: $18.99 Our Price: $15.19 Paperback (June 1996) Word Books; ISBN: X ; Dimensions (in inches): 1.20 x 9.12 x 7.34

232 Asian-American Discipline Trap Rules without a Relationship will lead to Rebellion either outright disobedience or, as so often happens, Passive rebellion or Indifference.

233 Basic Counseling Issues (Traps) Denial Denial of Problems: Blame; No Ownership IP IP Identified Patient Concept –IP –IP is the Carrier of Family Problems –IP: –IP: Barometer of Real Patient-System Problem Family Family System Issues –Fix –Fix parts to fix the whole –Fixing –Fixing only a part, but missing the whole »Recurrent-Chronic »Recurrent-Chronic Problems Forest Forest & Trees Issues –Need –Need for Comprehensive Understanding

234 Counseling Essentials Key Key Issue: Parental Relationship Problems Teenage Teenage Problems: Anger Derivatives –Destructiveness: –Destructiveness: Acting-Out: Authority Issues –Depression: –Depression: Acting-In: Truancy-Poor Grades Systemic Systemic Dynamics: Family-Marital-Child –Identified –Identified Patient Systemic Systemic Changes: Family Treatment –Avoid –Avoid One-Sided Information Collection

235 Colossians 3:20-21 NIV Colossians 3:20-21 NIV Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.

236 IP Identified Patient ConceptIP Identified Patient Concept What What is Identified Patient? Why? System System Theory of Family Counseling One One part of a problem: Reflects System problem Who Who is your client? (Your loyalty?) –The –The IP (child)? Parents? System?

237 Teenage Psychological Symptoms Behavioral Manifestations Anger: Anger: Destructiveness Truancy: Truancy: School Problems Substance Substance Abuse: Emotional Pain Talking-Back: Talking-Back: Oppositional Promiscuity: Promiscuity: Intimacy at all costs Masked Masked Depression: Anger, Truancy, Diurnal Shifts, Social Isolation, Low Grades

238 Malachi 4:5-6 NIV Malachi 4:5-6 NIV "See, I will send you the prophet Elijah before that great and dreadful day of the LORD comes. He will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers; or else I will come and strike the land with a curse."

239 Ericksons Psychosocial Developmental Stages Year Stage Character 0-2 Basic Trust vs. Mistrust Hope 0-2 Basic Trust vs. Mistrust Hope 2-7 Autonomy vs. Shame & Doubt Will 2-7 Autonomy vs. Shame & Doubt Will Initiative vs. Guilt Purpose Initiative vs. Guilt Purpose 7-13 Industry vs. Inferiority Competence 7-13 Industry vs. Inferiority Competence Identity vs. Role Confusion Fidelity(Faith) Intimacy vs. Isolation Love 35 + Generativity vs. Stagnation Care 35 + Generativity vs. Stagnation Care 60 + Integrity vs. Despair Wisdom 60 + Integrity vs. Despair Wisdom

240 Youth Developmental Characteristics Age Adolescence Cognitive Form Formal Operational: Black or White Moral Judgment Conventional: Mutual interpersonal concord. Law & Order Morality Psychosocial Identity vs. Role Confusion: Fidelity Social Awareness Group identity. Social-Peer pressure Authority Focus Group derived: Conformity-Acceptance Communication Subtle, felt meaning, symbolic Symbolic Function Progress from Symbolic to Concrete

241 Teenage Stages of Development Passage from preteen to teenage-hood, to young adulthood Passage from preteen to teenage-hood, to young adulthood Going through an identity crisis: Who am I? Am I worthy? Going through an identity crisis: Who am I? Am I worthy? –How do I know I am accepted? Do I belong? –How do I know I am approved of and affirmed of my sexuality? –Passage: Car (Identity symbol)-Man? Beauty (Popular)-Woman? –What makes me a man now? What is manhood? –What makes me a woman now? What is womanhood? –The impacts of media: Ellen Melrose Place Bay Watch Shaping the secular teen scene: Establishing the popularity standards for teens to conform to »Sexually active: Popularity=sexuality

242 Bible verses on the Father Proverbs 20:7 The just [man] walketh in his integrity: his children [are] blessed after him. (KJV) Proverbs 20:7 The just [man] walketh in his integrity: his children [are] blessed after him. (KJV) Proverbs 20:7 The righteous man leads a blameless life; blessed are his children after him. (NIV) Proverbs 20:7 The righteous man leads a blameless life; blessed are his children after him. (NIV) Children Learn by your Personal Examples

243 Arrows Analogy: Individuation Psalm 127:4-5 Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth. 5 Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies in the gate. Children, like Arrows Need to be Launched Accurately with Skill, Strength and Practice

244 Parents Must Accept Teens Matthew 18:5-6 "And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me. 6 But if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea. (NIV)

245 Joy Luck Club Joy Luck Club

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248 Joy Luck Club: The Mothers Suyuan: June story teller Her mother abandoned twin daughters while escaping war in Chongqin Suyuan: June story teller Her mother abandoned twin daughters while escaping war in Chongqin Lindo 15 year old bride: Waverly Lindo 15 year old bride: Waverly Ying Ying: who drowned her own son, depressed: Daughter Lena has no spirit Ying Ying: who drowned her own son, depressed: Daughter Lena has no spirit An Meis mom was raped and killed herself with opium dumplings: Rose An Meis mom was raped and killed herself with opium dumplings: Rose

249 Joy Luck Club: The Daughters June (main character): Failed at Piano June (main character): Failed at Piano Waverly (Chess player): Smile naturally now mom! I always do; Waverly! Waverly (Chess player): Smile naturally now mom! I always do; Waverly! Lena: Has no spirit for I have none to give her. Married a miser, Harold; everything is fifty-fifty. Love yes, false dependency no! Lena: Has no spirit for I have none to give her. Married a miser, Harold; everything is fifty-fifty. Love yes, false dependency no! Rose: Divorced husband of rich family, winery and publishing house. Mrs. Jordan Rose: Divorced husband of rich family, winery and publishing house. Mrs. Jordan

250 Asian Traumatized Women Multiple Traumatic Experiences Multiple Traumatic Experiences –At the hands of their mother and father –Sexism & favoritism Physical Abuse and Emotional Abuse Physical Abuse and Emotional Abuse Sexual Abuse, Molestation and Violation Sexual Abuse, Molestation and Violation Borderline Personality Features Borderline Personality Features –Impulsivity, Low Self-Esteem, Abandonment Fears Depression: Frustration and Anger Depression: Frustration and Anger

251 Trauma 1: Mom-Daughter: Women the Martyr

252 Trauma 2: Mom-Daughter: They Hurt each other

253 Trauma 3: Husband-Wife: Bad Men

254 Trauma 4: Mom-Son: Men the Victim


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