3Welcome & Introduction Please Introduce YourselfNameFamily background: Single? Married? Children?Training: Secular? Seminary?Church AffiliationMinistry PositionMinistry AspirationsWhy do you want to take this course?Personal Expectations for course?
4Make up class for next Saturday Some of you will not be able to make our next Saturday’s meetingThe make up class will be a condensed version of the second classIt will take place the Friday before the last class on July 30Where should it be? San Jose? Fremont?
5Schedule: 3 Saturdays: July 17, 24, 31 08:00 to 09:30 AM Instruction session 109:30 to 09:45 AM Break 109:45 to 12:00 PM Instruction session 212:00 to 01:00 PM Lunch01:00 to 03:30 PM Instruction 3 (or film)03:30 to 03:45 PM Break 203:45 to 05:30 PM Discussion session 405:30 to 06:00 PM Q/A Individual Time
6First things first!Why Marriage and Family Counseling in the Chinese Context?Aren’t people the same everywhere?Are we making too much of a big deal with culture?Is this divisiveness?
7Paper 1: A Case StudyPaper 1: A case study of the impact of culture on one aspect of a psychological symptom (of a person; a client, a congregation member or family member).Students are required to present a study of an individual (someone that you have counseled, someone that you know as a friend or relative) will suffice.Give an introduction, a family history with a genogram, a description of the one-symptom that marks the pathology, a formulation of the cultural correlation and some suggestion for a brief treatment recommendation.
8Paper 1: A Case Study (No differential diagnosis is required.) A BRIEF written (not more than 10 pages) summary is to be ed to the instructor: Dr. Melvin Wong atThe deadline for the submission is by Monday, September 6, 2004
9Paper 2: A theoretical study-presentation Paper 2: A theoretical study-presentation of the impact of Chinese culture on psychopathology as manifested in the clinical population (or church-based communities): The Intervention recommendations:Students are required to present a more detailed theoretical study of the effects of the influence (subtle or obvious) on the development of psychological disorders, depending on the work environments of a student, such as a clinician or a minister.
10Paper 2: A theoretical study-presentation This paper is intended to facilitate the understanding of the student in formulating a prevention response towards a wellness approach in their line of work.A BRIEF written (not more than 10 pages) summary is to be ed to the instructor:Dr. Melvin Wong atThe deadline for the submission is by Monday, September 6, 2004
111 Corinthians 9:22-23 (NKJ)When I am with those who are oppressed,I share their oppression so that I might bring them to Christ.Yes, I try to find common ground with everyone so that I might bring them to Christ.I do all this to spread the Good News, and in doing so I enjoy its blessings.
12Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Ministry OpportunityGlobal Population, In Millions Total 6.14 BillionChristian Population, In Millions Total 1.9 BillionAfrica 344, 18%Europe 537, 28%N.A.* 213, 11%Latin America 483, 25%Asia/Pacific 335, 18%339, 5.5%L.A.*476, 7.8%N.A.*Europe 728, 11.9%Africa 771, 12.6%AsiaPacific3,701, 60%* L.A. = Latin America, N.A. = North America
13Marriage: Just a Piece of Paper? Three VideosMarriage: Just a Piece of Paper?University of Chicago, 2002To LiveZhang Yimou, Gong LiJoy Luck ClubAmy Tan
14What are Marriage, Family Therapists A Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT)Formerly known as Marriage and Family, Child Counselor (MFCC),is a mental health practitioner who provides counseling and other therapeutic serviceswith individuals, couples, families, and groups focused on the interpersonal and relational aspects of behavior.
15What are Marriage, Family Therapists Through consideration of how behavior has developed within the social contexts of the family,social institutions such as schools and neighborhoods, and the larger sociopolitical context of culture,the MFT facilitates problem-solving and the achievement of satisfying, productive lives.
16What are Marriage, Family Therapists The practice of MFT is regulated through licensure that is monitored by the state agency, the Board of Behavioral Sciences (BBS).To practice independently, an individual must hold a valid MFT license issued by the state of California.3,000 supervised hours are required for internship to qualify for licensing with the MA degree
17Course Description and Outline The concept of health and wellness, illness and pathology of the Chinese are at variant from that of the West.Marriage and family, being foundational to Chinese culture, are to be studied carefully before effective counseling can be achieved.
18Course Description and Outline This course provides fundamental introductionto the study of common marriage and family issues that a Chinese minister or church leader will experience in the process of pastoral care
19COURSE GOALSUnderstand and use the characteristics of Chinese cultural deficiencies to formulate the dysfunction of a marital relationship.Establish a working knowledge of the historical and cultural developments central to Marriage and Family Therapy standards in Chinese families
20COURSE GOALSUnderstand general systems theory, as well as a working knowledge of the practical models of family counseling.Understand the working fundamentals of family assessment, treatment planning and intervention techniques, from the Chinese cultural perspectives and Biblical principles.
21COURSE OUTLINEIntroduction to the Systems Theory in Family Therapy used in understanding dysfunctions of Chinese marital-family relationships.Understanding Chinese cultural heritage and its negative impacts on living out the born-again Christian life.
22COURSE OUTLINEWhat does a healthy family and marriage look like? The standards of wellness.Dysfunctional people cause dysfunctional marriages: 3 kinds of pathological personality that are marriage-toxic.
23COURSE OUTLINEDysfunctional families result from dysfunctional marriages.The relationships between shame and dysfunctionality.Understanding how to formulate a case for treatment
24COURSE OUTLINEUnderstanding the effects of transference and counter-transference in marital counselingStrategic counseling methods for couples and family members in pastoral ministryLimitations of pastoral counseling and the ethical and legal standards in carePrevention methodologies: Biblical principles in culture and wellness
25WRITTEN ASSIGNMENTThe assignments will include a 2-page news item reading report or a book report on Chinese family or marital issues andA 10-page (3,500 to 4,000 words) case study of the impact of culture on one aspect of a relational symptom that is relevant to marriage and family. To be presented to the instructor by the time-line delineated by the seminary.
26Reference BooksThe Family Crucible, by Augustus Y. Napier. May, 1988 ISBN:Family Therapy: Concepts and Methods, by Nichols, M.; Schwartz, R., Boston: Allyn & Bacon, 2001 (fifth edition).Family Therapy with Infotrac: An Overview, by Irene Goldberg, Herbert Goldberg, Brooks/Cole
27Technical Text (Recommended, but not Required) Nichols, M.; Schwartz, R.,Family Therapy: Concepts and Methods. Boston: Allyn & Bacon, 2001(fifth edition).
28Technical Text (Recommended, but not Required) Family Therapy with Infotrac: An Overview,by Irene Goldberg, Herbert Goldberg, Brooks/Cole
29Acknowledgments & Credits Michael P. Nichols, The Essentials of Family TherapyCurricula (English) References From:C. R. Barké, Ph.D.; Tamara L. Kaiser, Ph.D.; Michael I. Vickers, Ph.D.Curricula (Chinese) References From:關何少芳 (香港家庭治療協進會主席)黃張淑英 (香港家庭治療協進會學術秘書)楊陳素端 (1990)
30The family is the context of most human problems The whole is greater than the sum of its partsLike all human groups, the family has emergent properties -fall into two categoriesStructure andProcess
31Family: The context of most problems The structure of families includes triangles, subsystems, and boundaries.The processes that describe family interactions-emotional reactivity, dysfunctional communication, etc.-the most central is circularity.Rather than worrying about who started what, family therapists understand and treat human problems as a series of moves and countermoves, in repeating cycles.
32Family Therapy is New Psychiatry: Medical Model Schizophrenia was not believed to be biologicalFamily is not included in hospital treatmentFamily is believed to be the cause of illnessPsychiatrists are not trained to treat familiesChange the Family to change the PersonChange the Person and change the FamilyTheorists were smart researchersStudied different parts to improve the whole
33Triangle-Triangles-Triangulation A Three-Person system; according to Bowen, the smallest stable unit of human relationship. “Diverting conflict between two people by involving a third.”“The unhappy mother uses her last born son to triangulate against his father”She is unhappy with her marriage and to find stability and significance in her identity as a woman, she chose her youngest son to be a husband replacement: He is young and compliant
34System (Family System) Mary Richmond, 1917Families are not isolated wholes (closed systems), but exist in a particular social context, which interactively influences and is influenced by their functioning (they are open).Her approach to practice was to consider the potential effect of all interventions on every systemic level, and to understand and to use the reciprocal interaction of the systemic hierarchy for therapeutic purposes.
37Marriage: Just a Piece of Paper? Discussion Cohabitation: No Marriage = No divorceNo commitment, no security (Maturity issue)Consumerism in Marriage Relationships:“If I don’t like it, I move on” (Fear-reduction based)Divorce’s victims: Children (No advocate, no defense)Abandonment fear: “If mom & dad can split up, they can leave me too!” (limited cognitive abilities as children)Daughters of divorce: “Boy crazy, need a dad” (Intimacy)Sons of divorce: “What is the role of man in a family, none?”Covenant Marriage vs. Contract MarriagePremarital Counseling & Prove Fault before divorce
38The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce Important ResourceThe Unexpected Legacy of DivorceJudith S. WallersteinPreface“In the fall of 1994… Karen James, North Carolina…You remember that when I was dating guys in college, I became very frightened that anyone I really liked would abandon me or be unfaithful, and I would end up suffering like my mom or my dad? Well choosing Nick was safe because he has no education and no plans, which means that he’ll always have fewer choices than me, I knew that if we lived together and maybe got married someday I wouldn’t have to worry about him walking out… I was suddenly aware that in all the years we’ve known each other, I had rarely seen her happy… Who is the lucky man…We’re both lucky… Gavin and I did everything differently compare to how I lived life before…”
39(available at the Baptist Seminary library) Important ResourceMarriage ClinicJohn Gottman(available at the Baptist Seminary library)G686m c.2
40The family is the context of most human problems The whole is greater than the sum of its partsLike all human groups, the family has emergent properties -fall into two categoriesStructure andProcess
41Family: The context of most problems The structure of families includes triangles, subsystems, and boundaries.The processes that describe family interactions-emotional reactivity, dysfunctional communication, etc.-the most central is circularity.Rather than worrying about who started what, family therapists understand and treat human problems as a series of moves and countermoves, in repeating cycles.
42Family Therapy is New Psychiatry: Medical Model Schizophrenia was not believed to be biologicalFamily is not included in hospital treatmentFamily is believed to be the cause of illnessPsychiatrists are not trained to treat familiesChange the Family to change the PersonChange the Person and change the FamilyTheorists were smart researchersStudied different parts to improve the whole
43Triangle-Triangles-Triangulation A Three-Person system; according to Bowen, the smallest stable unit of human relationship. “Diverting conflict between two people by involving a third.”“The unhappy mother uses her last born son to triangulate against his father”She is unhappy with her marriage and to find stability and significance in her identity as a woman, she chose her youngest son to be a husband replacement: He is young and compliant
44System (Family System) Mary Richmond, 1917Families are not isolated wholes (closed systems), but exist in a particular social context, which interactively influences and is influenced by their functioning (they are open).Her approach to practice was to consider the potential effect of all interventions on every systemic level, and to understand and to use the reciprocal interaction of the systemic hierarchy for therapeutic purposes.
45Family Tree DiagramMotherFatherSon-1Son-2Daughter
46Casts of the Dysfunctional Family EnablerAddictAdult-child: Man with problems; Gambling, affairs, rage & irresponsibilityMother who helps hide husband’s serious problems12345Survival for me
47Casts of the Dysfunctional Family EnablerAddictMother who is trying to be the UN Peace-Keeper: Hoping things will not go out of her control12345Keep the peace: Survival for me
48Casts of the Dysfunctional Family EnablerAddictWin-LoseRivalryDetach12345HeroBe Perfect: Problems will go awayI want to be hero too! I am worthy
49Casts of the Dysfunctional Family EnablerAddict12345ScapegoatRebel: Believing I am the problem
50Casts of the Dysfunctional Family EnablerAddict12345Lost ChildWithdraws from Relationships: Numb
51Casts of the Dysfunctional Family EnablerAddict12345ClownMakes laughter admist family tragedy
52Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Casts of the Dysfunctional Family Adapted from: Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse, 1985, Health Communications, FLEnabler: Tries to control to make things OKHero: Be perfect & problems will go awayScapegoat: Rebel against family problems & then finally believing that s/he is the problemLost Child: Retreats, withdraws & isolates self from meaningful relationshipsMascot (Clown): Desperately makes everyone laugh admist the family tragedy. Pampered
53Family of Origin & Marriage Parallel Process: Emotional TransferencePast infringes on Present (Unresolved conflicts)Unconscious and/or Subconscious Process“Generally not considered to be controllable”“The Present Recapitulates the Past”Using Present Experience to correct Past WrongsSusceptibility stronger: Emotional TurmoilDevelop Awareness and Insight: ConsciousnessResolve Unfinished Businesses with family
54Family of Origin & Marriage Parallel Process: Emotional TransferencePast infringes on Present (Unresolved conflicts)Unconscious and/or Subconscious Process“Generally not considered to be controllable”“The Present Recapitulates the Past”Using Present Experience to correct Past WrongsSusceptibility stronger: Emotional TurmoilDevelop Awareness and Insight: ConsciousnessResolve Unfinished Businesses with family
55Dysfunctional Family & Marital Relationships First-Born vs. First-Born: Control Issues“My way or the Highway”“Hero”: Perfectionism-Order-Clean & RivalryTreating spouse like a child: Parental“I don’t have to listen to you!”“Who do you think you are?” (Authoritarianism)“You do what I say!” (Condescending)Conflict areas: Ineffective CommunicationIntimacy achieved by fights
56Dysfunctional Family & Marital Relationships First-Born vs. Last-Born (Hero-Baby)Wife (first-born) vs. Husband (last-born)Balanced relationship (Not equal healthy)Treating spouse like a child: Parental“You have to listen to me!” (Authoritarianism)Husband suffocates: “Mid-Life Affairs”Conflict areas: Ineffective CommunicationEmotional-Physical-Sexual Intimacy Reduced
57Dysfunctional Family & Marital Relationships First-Born vs. Middle (Hero-Lost Child)Wife (first-born) vs. Husband (Lost-Child)Better-Balanced relationship (But Unhealthy)Middle Child’s Skill in Moderating SpousePassive-Aggressiveness & FrustrationHusband Rebels: “Mid-Life Affairs”Conflicts: Ineffective-Indirect CommunicationEmotional-Physical-Sexual Intimacy Reduced
58First-Born Daughters Not welcomed as child Organized-Helpful Chinese chauvinismSexism: Boy over girlOrganized-HelpfulPseudo-HeroReal-ScapegoatMother’s best friendMom’s KeeperLacks childhoodMen-Hating Mistrust
59How Family-of-Origin Issues affect Marital Relationships Transfer of emotions “transference”Where the past emotions are transferred“Free-floating anger, resentment, bitterness”Fear of “Merging” (Intimacy & Closeness)“The present recapitulates the past”Engaging spouse in fights to resolve past conflicts“Trying to prove a point” (men are strong women are not)Unrealistic expectations on spouseNeeding to prove a “point” (in order to redeem self)
60Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Why Intimacy?What does intimacy remind you of?ClosenessPhysical closenessSexual relationshipEmotional closenessIt is about fellowship with our Creator-God“To Know” (yada)Achieve understanding & relationshipLEARNING TO BE INTIMATE?"Listening with empathy is a learned skill. It has two crucial ingredients: undivided attention and feeling what your partner feels." Here at the end of the 20th century, the odds are against intimacy. Couples live as strangers with each other and wonder why the hurt, confusion, and silence result in half their marriages breaking apart. In promoting independence, our culture has deprived us of ways of meeting the profound psychological need for closeness; it doesn't help much that society often confuses intimacy with sex. Shifting societal standards have affected our ability to build solid relationships, and evidence is growing that one of the primary things missing from our lives, from the cradle on, is intimacy. How can the tide be turned? In her work with juvenile delinquents, clinical psychologist Lori Gordon found that the best way to help troubled teens was helping their parents, many of whom had simply not given their children the support, affection, and affirmation they desperately needed. Gordon found that the greatest source of soured relationships among couples was misunderstanding, misperceptions, and disillusionment based on unrealistic expectations of intimacy. When disillusionment sets in, partners set up barriers that frequently lead to collapse. In response, Dr. Gordon has developed a four- month training program designed to restore a couple's ability to experience intimacy with one another. Called Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills (PAIRS), the program targets anxiety and anger, which she describes as "two of the most actively subversive forces in distressed relationships." Part of the problem in applying these skills is that a sense of each partner's needs often lies below their conscious awareness. For that reason, it is essential for couples to learn how to regularly communicate and listen empathetically in a nonjudgmental manner, and to recognize each other's different styles of communicating. Gordon suggests the Daily Temperature Reading, a simple five-part communication technique in which couples express the following to each other: appreciation. Thank your partner for something good he or she has done. we information. Rather than read minds, tell your partner about yourself, your family, and your history. puzzlement. If something your partner said or did is confusing, ask him or her about it. complaint. State what bothers you without asking for change--yet. open. Share your dreams, goals, and aspirations, for this weekend or for the next ten years. @Z: n "Intimacy: the art of working out your relationships" by Lori H. Gordon. Psychology Today, Sep/Oct Pages Topic: INTIMACY, MARITAL. See also 8893 and 8826.4
61Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Areas of IntimacyPhysical: TouchingEmotional: Support & AcceptanceVerbal: EncouragementsSpiritual: Prayer & Faith DevelopmentPsychological: Safety and Confidence5
67Shadow Puppet Show 皮影 A form of ancient Television Puppets were made of leather for flexibility & durability with portabilityIlluminated from behind the sceneThis art: The common thread over the eventsA man’s accidental career with this art formA way to illustrate the powerlessness & helplessness of the masses “Survival” “To Live”
68To Live (Lifetimes) 活著 Features of the movie Chinese man: The gambler (addicted)Chinese man: The spoiled brat (scoundrel?)Chinese man: The irresponsible husbandChinese man: The irresponsible fatherChinese woman: The servant (roles)Chinese woman: The neglected wifeChinese woman: The enablerChinese woman: The the whistle blower
69Plot of the movie The redemption of a traditional Chinese man Introduction to the last fifty years of modern day ChinaCommunism: The emergence & justification ofNationalist government: The problemsLow morale with the soldiers: OpportunisticIrresponsibility: Sick Abandoned to die in the cold overnightAtrocities were committed by the leaders (Abuse, corruption)
70Introduction to the specific political movements Plot of the movieIntroduction to the specific political movements“Communes” for of idealistic community living“Big Leap Forward” (“Backyard blacksmiths”)The Red Guards: Cultural RevolutionAtrocitiesPurging “Re-Education” of the IntellectualsLabor & Re-Education “Camps”: Cow barnsExiling of the young to the “country side”: TraumaThe uneducated assumes leadership: Atrocities
71During the 1940’s Master Xiu Fugui: Special Treatment at this casino A spoiled adult-baby & his gambling addictionSpecial Treatment at this casinoPersonal Financial account: Credit accountGrandiose: Took over the puppeteer's workGamblingDevelopment of Narcissism
72Gambling Addiction “Losing face” of the husband Pregnant wife confronts husband at the casino“Losing face” of the husbandWife decided to leave himHe was overcome with shame and weptHe lost his father’s house: Overcome with rage and suffered a stroke? Heart attack?He lost his father
73Father and son relationship He disappointed his father by losing the houseHe caused the death of his father “shame”He accepted his wife’s naming of son “Don’t gamble”He cares for his sonHe care for his grandson
74Husband and wife relationship Husband can be redeemed because of his good wifeWife was long-suffering and smartLet husband be homeless until he gets itSurvived the family upon husband’s disappearanceDaughter held the hand of his dad to their homeChild is expected to be go-between
75Chinese Communism & Psychological Effects Psychological effects on the Chinese people on the mainlandCommon Psychological Effects (PTSD features)Pain and tragedy: “Eating Bitterness” “Survival for the fittest”Fears-safety: Unable to control or predict future political eventsMistrust: Disruption of “Basic Trust Bonding” Parent-ChildTrauma-Bonding: “Good & Bad” Reinforces family livingPassive-Aggressiveness: “Back Door” “Get around the system”Encouraged “Mindlessness”: “Dumbing Down” EffectDeprivation of resources: “Entitlement” expectations“Blame” mentality: Unable to self-reflect, grandiosity“Flee at all cost” “Make it no matter what”
76Chinese Communism & Psychological Effects Psychological effects on the Chinese people off the mainlandSurvivors’ guilt:Grief for family members on mainlandEstrangement & Separation of family membersPolitical ideas separate family member for lifeBroken families: uncle & niece constitute familyPolygamy by necessity
77Chinese Communism & Psychological Effects Psychological effects on the Chinese people on the mainland“The Abandoned” syndrome“You owe me”:“It costs so much to go home!”Scheme & scandals: To milk money from abroadMoney for the sick, burials, business deals
78Chinese Communism & Psychological Effects Psychological effects on the Chinese people in TaiwanThey escaped the communists take over of the mainlandSelf-determination: Starting overPreferred to be called “Taiwanese” not ChineseWanting to be independent but fear of Chinese invasionPsychological effects on the Chinese migrationDetermination to rebuild at all cost: CasualtiesAnti-Communists, anti-JapaneseOnly the well to do or intellectuals can emigrate
79How did we learn to be intimate? Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextHow did we learn to be intimate?Early infant bonding with parentsBonding-Attachment: Prototype of adult intimacyImprinting of Safety-in-ClosenessSoothing with closenessConsoling with closenessEarly parenting of young children7
80Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Areas of IntimacyPhysical: Touching“Babies are Cute!”What is cute?Softness: TreasuringInnocence: SimpleVulnerable: Needy“Touching feels Good”“Good touch equals Good Relationship”Non-Verbal Intimacy8
81Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Areas of IntimacyVerbalEncouragementsSpiritualFaith DevelopmentPsychologicalSafety and Confidence9
82Attachment Dynamics: Secure (Modified from William Friedrich, 1995) Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextAttachment Dynamics: Secure (Modified from William Friedrich, 1995)Young ChildrenInitiates InteractionAffective SharingReadily ComfortedEnergy to ExploreSpontaneityCare-GiverWarmSensitively AttendingConsistentReliability SoothingUnconditional13
83Attachment Dynamics: Avoidant (Modified from William Friedrich, 1995) Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextAttachment Dynamics: Avoidant (Modified from William Friedrich, 1995)Young ChildrenLittle Preference for Care-GiverMixes Avoidance with ProximityLittle Affective SharingCare-GiverEmotionally UnavailableDislikes NeedinessFavors Precocious Autonomy14
84Attachment Dynamics: Resistant (Modified from William Friedrich, 1995) Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextAttachment Dynamics: Resistant (Modified from William Friedrich, 1995)Young ChildrenDifficulty SeparatingWary-Cautious HypervigilanceMixes Contact Seeking with ResistanceCare-GiverUnpredictableInsensitively- ResponsiveNot AttunedHyperactive to Child’s FearsIntrusive15
85“If Family Life Were a Dinner Party” Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context“If Family Life Were a Dinner Party”The 1960’s would have been the cocktailThe 1970’s would have been the appetizerThe 1980’s would have been the entreeWhat about 1990? Time for dessert?What about the year 2000?No, everyone is sick to their stomach with indigestion. Some are throwing up and rushing to the restrooms!
86Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context What Went Wrong?The nature of sinIntergenerational effect of sin (Exodus 20:5-6)16
87Exodus 20:5-6 (New International Version) You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments.
88Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context What Went Wrong?The nature of sinIntergenerational effect of sin (Exodus 20:5-6)A propensity toward sin and poor judgmentWhat can go wrong does go wrongDepravity of humankindGiving rise to pain and sufferingSubstance-Emotional dependency: Lessens pain16
89Healthy Intimacy Boundary Defined Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextHealthy Intimacy Boundary DefinedParental: Intra-SpousalHusband and wife are mature: Self-ContainedHusband and wife issues remain within themParent-Child: IntergenerationalIntimate Parental issues are not disclosedFinancial issuesSexual issuesFamilial Secrets17
90Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Family Tree DiagramMotherFatherSon-1Son-2Daughter
91Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Healthy RelationshipMotherFatherSon-1Son-2DaughterSon separates from mom for psychological individuation successfully19
92Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Healthy RelationshipMotherFatherSon-1Son-2DaughterSon attaches with dad for Gender-Identity formation successfully20
93Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Healthy RelationshipMotherFatherSon-1Son-2DaughterSon separates from mom for psychological individuation successfully
94Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Healthy RelationshipMotherFatherSon-1Son-2DaughterSon attaches with dad for Gender-Identity formation sucessfully
95Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Healthy RelationshipMotherFatherSon-1Son-2DaughterSon separates from mom for psychological individuation successfully
96Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Healthy RelationshipMotherFatherSon-1Son-2DaughterSon attempts to attach to father for Gender-Identity formation
97Unhealthy Relationship Begins Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextUnhealthy Relationship BeginsMotherFatherSon-1Son-2DaughterSon’s attempts to attach to father was rebuffed and he experiences rejection and hurt
98Unhealthy Relationship Defensive Detachment Begins Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextUnhealthy Relationship Defensive Detachment BeginsMotherFatherSon-1Son-2DaughterSon’s attempts to defend against more pain from rejection by defensively detaching from father’s relationship emotionally
99Unhealthy Relationship Defensive Attachment Begins Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextUnhealthy Relationship Defensive Attachment BeginsMotherFatherSon-1Son-2DaughterSon has no choice but to re-attach with mom for emotional security
100Unhealthy Relationship Defensive Attachment Continues Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextUnhealthy Relationship Defensive Attachment ContinuesMotherFatherSon-1Son-2DaughterSon has no choice but to re-attach with mom for emotional security Forming Defensive Attachment
101Unhealthy Relationship Defensive Attachment Intensifies Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextUnhealthy Relationship Defensive Attachment IntensifiesMotherFatherSon-1Son-2DaughterSon generalizes defensive detachment to defensively attach to girls and women: Non- aggressive & softer
102Unhealthy Relationship Defensive Attachment Intensifies Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextUnhealthy Relationship Defensive Attachment IntensifiesMotherFatherSon-1Son-2DaughterGeneralization intensifies. Father becomes a stangerGirl 1Girl 2
103Unhealthy Relationship Defensive Attachment Intensifies Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextUnhealthy Relationship Defensive Attachment IntensifiesMotherFatherSon-1Son-2DaughterGeneralization intensifies. Men are unfamiliarGirl 1Girl 2Girlfriend
104Unhealthy Relationship Defensive Attachment Solidifies Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextUnhealthy Relationship Defensive Attachment SolidifiesGrandmaMotherFatherSon-1Son-2DaughterMen are objectified-curious-sexualizedGirl 1Girl 2Girlfriend
105Unhealthy Relationship Defensive Attachment Solidifies Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextUnhealthy Relationship Defensive Attachment SolidifiesGrandmaAunt 1MotherFatherSon-1Son-2DaughterMen are objectified-curious-sexualizedGirl 1Girl 2Girlfriend
106Child Satisfies Parents’ Needs Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextChild Satisfies Parents’ NeedsMotherChild becomes mother’s best friendHe keeps me company, not alone!He keeps me from being scared at nightMom tells me all of her secrets! I am special! I must be loyal to her! She is mine! I am hers!FatherChild becomes father's crutchSignificance derived from son’s incompetence21
107Child Satisfies Parents’ Needs Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextChild Satisfies Parents’ NeedsMotherHas emotional baggages from own familyWas an Adult-Child (child in an adult body)Expects spouse or child to meet her needsFather (Failed to meet wife’s emotional needs)Naive to wife’s immense emotional needsBacks away from her emotional needinessDrives her further into a demanding stateSets off vicious cycle: Cat and mouse game22
108When Intimacy is Disrupted Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextWhen Intimacy is DisruptedParents are absent physically or emotionallyYoung child was not emotionally affirmedChild’s Personal-Sexual identity immatureChild searches for identity substitutionChild attempts to provide Self-ParentingHurried-Child Syndrome: No childhoodAdequate Self Physical Care: Not Emotional23
109Re-Establishing Health Family Intimacy Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextRe-Establishing Health Family IntimacyMay not be possible at allBegins with recognizing presence of dysfunctionDenial is the first survival defense: No shame-blameTakes courage to confront the truth in familyCourage to confront pain & personal responsibilitiesMaking amends: Forgive and be forgivenProcess of courage: Forgive-Reconcile-RestorationRe-establishing normal communicationCan set clear limits and boundaries with family26
110Re-Establishing Health Family Intimacy Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextRe-Establishing Health Family IntimacyBegin with verbal communication firstTalk freely with self-disclosureCan offer and receive verbal complimentsContinues with physical closenessSocially-appropriate physical touchesContinues with more verbal intimacyMore open self-disclosure: Safe secretsGetting a raise-promotion, lay-off, some financesRelationships: good and bad27
111Re-Establishing Health Family Intimacy Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextRe-Establishing Health Family IntimacyFinding a “Home” away from homeNew family substituteSpiritual-Emotional-Physical closeness achievableOn-going relationship with peopleNo crossing of boundaries and limitsCan take personal responsibilitiesFree to say No? without guildCan confide in 2 or 3 significant peopleFinding acceptance and affirmation28
112Process of Relief from Pain Acknowledge powerlessness: Nothing I can doUnderstand forgiveness: Can forgive not forgetForgiveness is one way: To benefit youTrue forgiveness requires confronting your painTrue forgiveness requires admitting your wrongTrue forgiveness requires empathy for wrong doerReconciliation: Two ways: Requires otherRestoration: Last step in normalizing relationshipWhen you are stuck: Victimhood-martyrdomSelf righteousness, avoid pain, control by holding grudge: Bitterness, Resentment, Sarcasm, Gossiping
113Flexible Family Dynamic Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextFlexible Family DynamicShared LeadershipRole SharingDemocratic DisciplineChange When Necessary29
114Structured Family Dynamic Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextStructured Family DynamicLeadership Sometimes SharedRoles StableSomewhat Democratic DisciplineChange When Demanded30
115Separated Family Dynamic Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextSeparated Family DynamicI-We“We” is low“I” is moderateLittle LoyaltyInterdependentMore Independence than Dependence31
116Connected Family Dynamic Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextConnected Family DynamicI-We“I” is Moderate“We” is HighSome LoyaltyInterdependentMore Dependence than Independence32
117Chaotic Family Dynamic Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextChaotic Family DynamicLack of LeadershipDramatic Role ShiftsErratic DisciplineToo Much (too Great) Change33
118Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Rigid Family DynamicAuthoritarian LeadershipRoles Seldom ChangeStrict DisciplineToo Little Change34
119Enmeshed Family Dynamic Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextEnmeshed Family DynamicWE“We” Very HighHigh LoyaltyHigh Dependence35
120Disengaged Family Dynamic Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextDisengaged Family DynamicILittle ClosenessLack of LoyaltyHigh Independence36
121BoundaryEmotional and physical barriers that protect and enhance the integrity of individuals, subsystems, and families
122What is the Family Systems Secret? Fix the MarriageThenThe Family is Fixed
123Bad Marriage is the Context of Most of Human Problems Family is Bad: Father & Mother are BadLike all human groups, the family has emergent properties – Parental Happiness determines family happinessHow to be Happily Married? andHow to keep Children Happy?
124Subsystems & Boundaries Families are structured in Subsystems as determined byGeneration, gender, common interests and functionwhich are demarcated by interpersonalBoundariesThe invisible barriers that regulate the amount of contact with othersBoundaries safeguard the separateness and autonomy of the family and its subsystem
126Biography Salvador Minuchin First-born son from an Argentinean-Jewish familyComplex, closed-extended family community: GossipsDefended Jewish identity & Argentinean freedomImprisoned for political struggle against dictatorship: PeronStudied to be a pediatrician to be a child psychologistWorked with delinquent youths multi-culturallyDated & married “Pat”: “Capitalist” Spent 3 months: 1st dateVisited other family therapy research groups ’70’s“Not a good team psychiatrist” “Not sexist” “Convinced”Empirical observations of families: Psychosomatic families
127Structural Family Therapy (Minuchin) ConstructsStructureThe invisible set of functional demands (rules, roles, etc.) that organize the ways in which family members interact.These form repeated transactions or patterns of how, when, and who to interact with, which underpin the system and its functioning.
128Structural Family Therapy (Minuchin) SubsystemsThe family system differentiates and carries out its functions through subsystems, which include each individual as a subsystem, and other combinations, including generational, gender, interest, or function/role subsystems.Families typically include a marital subsystem, a parental subsystem, and a sibling subsystem.
129Structural Family Therapy (Minuchin) BoundariesTo ensure proper family functioning, the boundaries of subsystems must be clear.A boundary is described as the rules that define who participates and how.It functions to protect the differentiation and separateness of subsystems and facilitate transactions among subsystems.
130Structural Family Therapy (Minuchin) Boundaries are described on a continuumFrom Diffuse 混雜邊界 (Enmeshment)Forming an enmeshed style of transactions in the system, toRigid 分離邊界 (Disengaged Boundary)Forming a disengaged style of transactions in the system
131Structural Family Therapy (Minuchin) Healthy Family FunctioningIn healthy families, there is a clear hierarchy,with parents functioning as executive subsystem with effective power,children in a sibling subsystem, less power, though this changes developmentally over time.
132Structural Family Therapy (Minuchin) Boundaries are clear, flexible and permeable among all members, and between subsystems, meaning members can communicate with one another, can access others' time, attention and energy.Parents are aligned and function jointly, marital relationship is open internally, but clearly separate from children.
133Structural Family Therapy (Minuchin) Rules and roles are clearly and explicitly defined, yet with some flexibility across circumstances, and changing over time as children develop.
134Structural Family Therapy (Minuchin) Unhealthy Family FunctioningIn unhealthy families, any or all of these are missing or distorted.There may be overly rigid or diffuse boundaries between persons or subsystems,reversed hierarchy with children having too much power influence,
135Structural Family Therapy (Minuchin) coalitions across subsystems,conflict within subsystems,cross-subsystem alignments,rules and roles are ambiguous or conflicting,or remain fixed as children grow older,system may be disengaged or enmeshed.
136Structural Family Therapy (Minuchin) Therapy GoalsStructural family therapy goals focus on restructuring, altering any or all of the structural components, thereby promoting changes in symptoms and symptom-maintaining behaviors of members.
137Structural Family Therapy (Minuchin) Examples of restructuring goals would be establishing an effective hierarchy,making boundaries more flexible or less diffuse,deconstructing coalitions,establishing healthy alignments,improving within subsystem communication,
138Structural Family Therapy (Minuchin) Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextStructural Family Therapy (Minuchin)clarifying or establishing clear rules and roles, changing these to reflect developmental processes.
139Structural Family Therapy (Minuchin) AssessmentAssessment is accomplished through a combination of inquiry, using circular questions as a tracking method, joining, with the therapist interacting with the family members, and observation using enactments in which the family interacts around a topic or issue.Family maps may be constructed by the therapist and/or members, depicting structural components.
140Structural Family Therapy (Minuchin) InterventionsThe therapy employs brief, direct, active restructuring interventions.The sequence of these may include joining, enactments, diagnosing, highlighting and modifying interactions, boundary making, unbalancing and challenging family assumptions (rules and roles).
141Structural Family Therapy (Minuchin) Others include shaping competence,emphasizing positive and effective behaviors;and reframing behaviors from negative to positive.
142Structural Family Therapy (Minuchin) Others include shaping competence,emphasizing positive and effective behaviors;and reframing behaviors from negative to positive.
143Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Circumplex Family MapLow Cohesion High37
144Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Circumplex Family MapLow Cohesion HighHighAdaptabilityLow38
145Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Circumplex Family MapLow Cohesion HighHighAdaptabilityFlexibly ConnectedLow39
146Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Circumplex Family MapLow Cohesion HighHighAdaptabilityFlexibly ConnectedStructurally ConnectedLow40
147Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Circumplex Family MapLow Cohesion HighHighAdaptabilityFlexibly SeparatedFlexibly ConnectedStructurally ConnectedLow41
148Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Circumplex Family MapLow Cohesion HighHighAdaptabilityFlexibly SeparatedFlexibly ConnectedStructurally SeparatedStructurally ConnectedLow42
149Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Circumplex Family MapLow Cohesion HighHighAdaptabilityChaotically ConnectedFlexibly SeparatedFlexibly ConnectedStructurally SeparatedStructurally ConnectedLow43
150Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Circumplex Family MapLow Cohesion HighHighAdaptabilityChaotically ConnectedFlexibly SeparatedFlexibly ConnectedFlexibly EnmeshedStructurally SeparatedStructurally ConnectedLow44
151Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Circumplex Family MapLow Cohesion HighHighAdaptabilityChaotically ConnectedFlexibly SeparatedFlexibly ConnectedFlexibly EnmeshedStructurally SeparatedStructurally ConnectedRigidly ConnectedLow45
152Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Circumplex Family MapLow Cohesion HighHighAdaptabilityChaotically ConnectedFlexibly SeparatedFlexibly ConnectedFlexibly EnmeshedStructurally SeparatedStructurally ConnectedStructurally EnmeshedRigidly ConnectedLow46
153Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Circumplex Family MapLow Cohesion HighHighAdaptabilityChaotically SeparatedChaotically ConnectedFlexibly SeparatedFlexibly ConnectedFlexibly EnmeshedStructurally SeparatedStructurally ConnectedStructurally EnmeshedRigidly ConnectedLow47
154Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Circumplex Family MapLow Cohesion HighHighAdaptabilityChaotically SeparatedChaotically ConnectedFlexibly SeparatedFlexibly ConnectedFlexibly DisengagedFlexibly EnmeshedStructurally SeparatedStructurally ConnectedStructurally EnmeshedRigidly ConnectedLow48
155Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Circumplex Family MapLow Cohesion HighHighAdaptabilityChaotically SeparatedChaotically ConnectedFlexibly SeparatedFlexibly ConnectedFlexibly DisengagedFlexibly EnmeshedStructurally SeparatedStructurally ConnectedStructurally EnmeshedRigidly SeparatedRigidly ConnectedLow49
156Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Circumplex Family MapLow Cohesion HighHighAdaptabilityChaotically EnmeshedChaotically SeparatedChaotically ConnectedFlexibly SeparatedFlexibly ConnectedFlexibly DisengagedFlexibly EnmeshedStructurally SeparatedStructurally ConnectedStructurally EnmeshedRigidly SeparatedRigidly ConnectedLow50
157Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Circumplex Family MapLow Cohesion HighHighAdaptabilityChaotically EnmeshedChaotically SeparatedChaotically ConnectedFlexibly SeparatedFlexibly ConnectedFlexibly DisengagedFlexibly EnmeshedStructurally SeparatedStructurally ConnectedStructurally EnmeshedRigidly SeparatedRigidly ConnectedRigidly EnmeshedLow51
158Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Circumplex Family MapLow Cohesion HighHighAdaptabilityChaotically DisengagedChaotically EnmeshedChaotically SeparatedChaotically ConnectedFlexibly SeparatedFlexibly ConnectedFlexibly DisengagedFlexibly EnmeshedStructurally SeparatedStructurally ConnectedStructurally EnmeshedRigidly SeparatedRigidly ConnectedRigidly EnmeshedLow52
159Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Circumplex Family MapLow Cohesion HighHighAdaptabilityChaotically DisengagedChaotically EnmeshedChaotically SeparatedChaotically ConnectedFlexibly SeparatedFlexibly ConnectedFlexibly DisengagedFlexibly EnmeshedStructurally SeparatedStructurally ConnectedStructurally EnmeshedRigidly SeparatedRigidly ConnectedRigidly DisengagedRigidly EnmeshedLow53
160Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Circumplex Family MapLow Cohesion HighHighAdaptabilityChaotically DisengagedChaotically EnmeshedChaotically SeparatedChaotically ConnectedFlexibly SeparatedFlexibly ConnectedFlexibly DisengagedFlexibly EnmeshedRigidly EngagedStructurally SeparatedStructurally ConnectedStructurally EnmeshedRigidly SeparatedRigidly ConnectedRigidly DisengagedRigidly EnmeshedLow53
162What is Asian-Chinese culture? Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextWhat is Asian-Chinese culture?Asian-Chinese (Asian: Ethnic Chinese) is an extremely diversed group of Asians ethnically from all over Asian with different cultural, religious, economic and political backgrounds. Koreans, Japanese, Chinese, Taiwanese, South-East Asians (Vietnam, Laos, Cambodia, Burma, Thai, Singapore, Malaysia, Indonesia)As diversed as we are: There are common threads: Rice, Chop-sticks, Family Values, Education, Arts, with diversed ethnic subcultures
163Asian-Chinese Cultural Understanding Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextAsian-Chinese Cultural UnderstandingLife is a stage: Role-play 人生如舞台Being a Person: 做人=做戲Life is about On-stage, Off-stage: 上台,下台In an interpersonal shameful situation, it is known as “hard to get off stage” 難下台To help, provide a graceful exit: 下台階Detested Characters (animal-temperament)Human-faced, Animal hearted 人面獸心Wild-animal put in a man’s dress 衣冠禽獸
164Asian-American Cultural Understanding Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextAsian-American Cultural UnderstandingFilial Piety (most favored virtue): Education 老子,孝順,老子文=教Favors sons over daughters:重男輕女子承父業女子無才便是德Conformity & Self-Denial:克己服禮為仁Gentlemen vs. the Conceited:小人君子
165Early Immigrant Pattern Early Chinese immigrants as laborersDriven by economic and political unrestRisk takers and outcasts from their local communitiesMostly men and very few womenLater Chinese immigrants as family buildersBachelors take brides from their own villageCouples strive to be economically independent“Mom-Pop” stores: Groceries, laudries, restaurantsIntellectuals: Exchange-Foreign students who stayed
166Current Immigrant Pattern Later Chinese immigrants were “investors”Driven by political unrest: Hong Kong 1997Economic uncertaintiesRefugees from China: Refugees from Hong Kong“Brain-drain” Skilled immigrants“The best and the brightest”The real “bright” will choose to remain“Political” background and support
167Patterns of Immigration Bachelor laborerLaborer and his village (mail order) brideChildren of laborer and village brideBright scholar from big cities at ivy leagueForeign students who stayedPre-post 1997 political refugeesBosses and professionalChildren of Shanghainese elites: ivy league
168Basic Human Conditions & Chinese Cultural Perspectives (Adapted from Rev. Daniel Ng, Chinese Churches Today, 26, Dec. 2000)Issue of Existence: Reasons for Living生存問題的解答Issue of Life’s Crises: Reasons for Pain危難問題的解答Issue of Death: Perspectives on Dying死亡問題的解答
169Asian-American Culture & Philosophies (* Local-Domestic Origins) Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextAsian-American Culture & Philosophies (* Local-Domestic Origins)*Confucianism 儒Buddhism 釋*Taoism 道Western-Christianity 耶*Self-Material-Pragmatism 錢
170Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context The Five-Hierarchical Harmonious Relationships (The Five-Orders “Wu Lun”) 五倫 Copyright (C) Melvin W. Wong, Ph.D
171Order 1: The King and his Subjects Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextOrder 1: The King and his Subjects君要臣死,臣不死,不忠也If the king decrees death to his subject, if he doesn’t kill himself; it is not loyaltyAuthoritarianism: Do as the king says, obeyReinforces dependency: “Emperor's new clothes”Hypocrisy: “Public self vs. Private self” “Self-identity”Externalized locus of control: Reduced personal responsibilityThe all-powerful king: analogous with godDeified king: Idolized-worshipped the king
172Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Order 2: Father and Son父要子亡, 子不亡, 不孝也If father wants his son to die, if he doesn’t kill himself; it is not filial pietyFatherhood equals Kingdom governmentGeneralized authority to the elderly: WisdomAuthoritarianism: Do as the father says, obeyReinforces dependency: “Must please father”Externalized locus of control: Reduced personal responsibility
173Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Filial PietyResulting virtue of a harmonious relationship between father and child is Filial PietyFirst-born son is most valued: first-born son is the first child that can carry on the family lineageFathers have unquestioned authority over their childrenhave the right to the lives of their childrenThe reasoning is that, “They are my own.”This virtue gave rise to patriarchy and nepotismAncestor-worship (Idolization of ancestors)Complex of respect and fear for the deceased
174Reciprocity-Entitlement-Empathy Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextReciprocity-Entitlement-EmpathyReciprocity (Family Culture Demands It)Duty > Personal Desire = Sacrifice; PaybackTrauma Re-Enactment of Mother-In-LawsEntitlement (Takes It For Granted)Do It, Give It, Or Else! (Shame-Guilt-Injury)Empathy (Lack of) “Form > Will”Do It-Perform It-You Don’t Have to Like ItMy Way > Your Needs (Self > Others)
175Order 3: Older brother and younger brother Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextOrder 3: Older brother and younger brother兄弟如手足Brothers (older and younger) are like hands and feet(they are irreplaceable, blood is thicker than water)Older-brother in command during father’s absenceFacilitates family operations: Internally-externallyAuthoritarianism: Do as the brother says, obeyReinforces dependency: “Must please brother”Externalized locus of control: Reduced personal responsibility
176Order 4: Husband and Wife Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextOrder 4: Husband and Wife夫妻如衣服Relationships between husband and wife is similar to clothing (change them at will)Women’s identity begins after marriage三從: 在家從父 出嫁從夫 老來從子Authoritarianism: Do as the husband says, obeyReinforces dependency: “Husband-pleasing”Externalized locus of control: Reduced personal responsibilityFaithfulness in marriage: Wife must be chaste
177Order 4: Husband and Wife Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextOrder 4: Husband and Wife夫妻如衣服Relationships between husband and wife is similar to clothing (change them at will)Women’s identity begins after marriage三從: 在家從父 出嫁從夫 老來從子Authoritarianism: Do as the husband says, obeyReinforces dependency: “Husband-pleasing”Externalized locus of control: Reduced personal responsibilityFaithfulness in marriage: Wife must be chaste
178Dependent Identity of Women Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextDependent Identity of WomenDependency vs. Independency TasksSeasons of DependencyDevelopmental Dependency of WomenThree stages of Identity formation 三從Depends on father when young 在家從父Depends on husband when married出嫁從夫Depends on son when old老來從子
179Husband and Wife Relationships Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextHusband and Wife RelationshipsWomen suffer and sacrifice silentlyShe becomes a martyr-sacrificial lamb of the dysfunctional family & inflicts the same pain upon her daughter and in-lawsShe copes by Denial and Resignation: “fate”Poor husband-Wife relationship is the normExtra-marital affairs, Informal Mistresses, Concubines, Polygamy
180Common Marital Disorders Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextCommon Marital DisordersAngry Husband - Depressed-Hurt WifeAngry Wife - Withdrawn HusbandAvoidance of Emotional InvolvementsFocus on the Concrete, Practical issuesOver-Rationalization, Over-IntellectualizationJudgment Passing: Reason, Right or WrongRigid Structure, Non-Cohesive: Stress prone
186Marital Affairs and Sexuality Understanding the psychodynamics of Affairs in MarriagesSexuality and Intimacy issues in MarriagesPrevention Strategies for Affairs and Emotional/Sexual DependenciesTreatment Issues for Emotionally Dead Marital Relationships: The Key Points
188Titus1:6-9 NIVAn elder must be blameless, the husband of but one wife, a man whose children believe and are not open to the charge of being wild and disobedient. 7 Since an overseer is entrusted with God's work, he must be blameless -- not overbearing, not quick-tempered, not given to drunkenness, not violent, not pursuing dishonest gain. 8 Rather he must be hospitable, one who loves what is good, who is self-controlled, upright, holy and disciplined. 9 He must hold firmly to the trustworthy message as it has been taught, so that he can encourage others by sound doctrine and refute those who oppose it.
189Types of Ministry Sexual Issues Attempts in Narcissistic Self-RepairActive主動 (Pre-meditated, Planned)Passive被動(Not Consciously-Planned) 外遇
190Chinese Cultural Understanding 知音人 Good listener外遇 “Outside Encounter” Unintended婚外情(戀)Outside Marriage Love (Infatuation-Obession)
191Narcissistic Self-Repair Self-Esteem Issues: I am Important-WorthyI am lovableI must not be ignored or abandonedI enjoy (crave) attention from pretty womenControl–Mastery IssuesIt hurts too much to be unlovedI must love myself (Egotism-Narcissism)I will succeed in intimacy striving myself
192Types of Ministry Sexual Issues Attempts in Narcissistic Self-RepairActive主動 (Pre-meditated, Planned)Passive被動(Not Consciously-Planned) 外遇Neediness: Push-Pull effect 婚外情(戀)Pain Reduction: Escape from sufferingOpportunistic: Put self in vulnerable situationObject of “love” obsession: Your “fan” 迷戀“Trapped” to be destroyed: Revenge driven
193Active 主動 (Pre-meditated, Planned) Pedophiles (Child-Molesters) 愛童坯Exploitative-Oppressive ExpressionsCan be seen in early teenage yearsTwo groupsMarried with children: Socialized other problems (Money: borrowing, embezzle)Single: Isolated & under-or-unsocializedThe most dangerous group if smart & charismaticHave serial marriage, as rapists & serial killers
194Passive 被動 (Not Planned) 外遇 Neediness: Push-Pull effect 婚外情(戀)Pull Effects (External factors) 外面拖力量Post-modernism in the 21st centurySex culture in post-modernist lifeMedia: TV, movies, video programs, advertisingWhy? “Sex sells!” Visual stimulation of menPush Effects (Internal factors) 內在推力量Unsatisfied marital relationship: Mid-life crisisCareer Disillusions: Sense of failureChildren’s birth & growth: empty nest
195Diagnosing Narcissism Grandiosity: ArroganceEntitlement: I deserveLack of Empathy: White Lies
196Passive 被動 (Not Planned) 外遇 Pain Reduction: Escape from sufferingNeediness: Push Effect 婚外情(戀)Doubted marriage decision was a good oneWife is not supportive: Source of frustrationMarital relationship maintained: But unhappyConflicts are denied: No skill to resolve or repairWith increased responsibilities: More frustrationUnassertive husband bears pain & wished it endsNovelty extra-marital relationship: No history, New
197Passive 被動 (Not Planned) 外遇 Opportunistic: Put self in vulnerable situationUnaware of limits & boundariesAdult-child of dysfunctional familyPhysically, emotionally or sexually abusedUnhealthy emotional limits; greed 貪欲Too much disclosure of personal-marital issuesUnable to say “no” to women’ excessive self disclosureTangled in dual relationships: “church secretary”Can’t say no to pretty women: Pedestal effectWife has a bad history: This woman does notThis woman is younger & prettier: “There’s hope”
198Passive 被動 (Not Planned) 外遇 Object of “love” obsession: Your “fan” 迷戀Secret admirer: Relationship in the “mind”You are object of an emotional transferenceAn “ideal” husband that should be or have beenAn “ideal” father who is loving and warmAn “old boy friend” who was nicer than spouseShe “loves” you to avenge your wife for “it is not fair” because “she’s too lucky”
199Passive 被動 (Not Planned) 外遇 “Trapped” to be destroyed: Revenge drivenWoman is a “men-hater”: Conquer them!Power & control expressed by womanUsually very attractive, show-off & intelligentCasual & easy sex: To “catch” youUses relationship as black-mailUses relationship or “pregnancy” to black-mail“Part-time” relationship better than no relationshipUnusual reason: Spiritual warfare?
200性困扰的陷阱与牧養事奉 Spouse unwilling to satisfy sexual desire Reduced sexual desires for spouse: Age vs. healthSpouse unwilling to satisfy sexual desirePornography preoccupies your lifeMasturbation into marriage: Spouse unawareSexual attraction to female other than your wifeSexual experience with woman in your churchSexual experience with your wife’s best friendSame-sex feelings that do not go away with prayer
202情感溝通關係的七個踏段 Seven Levels of Emotional & Physical Communication Copyright 2001 (c) Melvin W. Wong, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved親密的程度關係的特徵情感的特徵7性愛經驗性愛的親密（有性興奮和有圓滿安全感覺）6身體上的親密身體親密（熟悉和安全）5願意分享真心話絕對的信任（坦誠不怕被傷害）4分享內心感受信任與坦白的發展3分享個人的看法深一層的個人興趣2交換資料性的事實表面的興趣發掘1閒談安全的社交
211Ephesians 4:31-32 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander,along with every form of malice.Be kind and compassionate to one another,forgiving each other,just as in Christ God forgave you.
212Criticism 批評 Four Horsemen of Apocalypse Statement that implies something is globally wrong with your spouse, a lasting aspect of your spouse’s character“You always…” (Criticism and not complaint)“You never…” (Criticism and not complaint)Complaint: “I’m upset over dinner for you talked only about yourself and didn’t ask how was my day, I felt hurt.”Criticism: “How can you treat me this way?” “Don’t you care about my feelings?” “I have feelings too!” “What kind of selfish person are you?” “What’s wrong with you?” “Why are you so uncaring?” “I can’t believe you did this to me!”Criticism gives rise to Defensiveness
213Defensiveness 辯護 Four Horsemen of Apocalypse Any attempt to defend oneself from a perceived attack. To get back at the complainer with a counter-complaint“And you get so aggressive after you get upset, that’s the part I don’t like, that’s the part I fear about you.”“How about when you explode into a tantrum last time?”“Retroactive Deserving” you never admit you are wrong, you blame your spouse for not preventing the mistake you made, therefore it is your spouse’s faultI didn’t pay our credit card because you didn’t remind me!!Defensiveness is denying responsibility for the problem, not solve it
214Contempt 藐視 Four Horsemen of Apocalypse Statement or behavior that puts yourself on a higher plane over your spouseContempt takes the form of mockery/insult“It’s not, ‘I could care less,’ it’s I couldn’t care less. At least get that right!”Condescending facial expression with eye-roll & upward glance, as if imploring the Lord for help!(Contemptuous facial expression of husbands can predict wives’ infectious illness over next four years. Lonely husbands married to contemptuous wives got physically ill more often than other husbands) Gottman, 1994
215Stonewalling 撤退 Four Horsemen of Apocalypse Stonewalling is when the listener withdraws from the interaction, involving one spouse leavingMen are consistently more likely to stonewall than women85% of stonewallers were menA withdrawal in the service of self-soothing: Upsetting to womenWhen women stonewall: Divorce predictorWomen are more likely than men to criticizeWhen the wife criticizing more than the husband & the husband stonewalling more than the wife: This is predictive of divorce
216Emotional Disengagement 情感的麻木像慢性毒瘤 When no Four Horsemen are presentAn absent of affect, the marriage is emotionally deadNo joy, affection or humor, or engagement of anger or conflictsSpouses are like passing ships in the night (parrallel lives)They do not appear to experience each other as friendsThere is a lot of unacknowledged tension (facial, vocal & somatic)They keep saying everything is ok. (Denial, playing house)High level of physiological arousal during conflictsLittle attempt on the part of either spouse to soothe others
217Four Horsemen of Apocalypse 婚姻沖突的四大殺手 CriticismDefensivenessContemptStonewallingPreventionDe-Escalation
218Repair & De-Escalation Accepting Influence Compromise Five Basic Conflict Prevention Skills Adapted from: John Gottman, The Marriage Clinic, 1999Softened Start-upRepair & De-EscalationAccepting InfluenceCompromisePhysiological Soothing
220Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Narcissism FeaturesOver Self-Evaluation: “False Self-Confidence”Exploitation of others in name of ministryEntitlement: Self-expectations of special treatmentNarcissistic Injury: Rage when criticizedLacks Empathy: “Bad Taste Humor” Can’t comfortPreoccupation with Envy: “They compare”Absence of Guilt & Introspection
221Dealing with unhealthy defenses Intellectualization 思考化 : “If I can think about it and it is logical, it must be right”Rationalization 合理化 : “It is reasonable, therefore it must be right”Spiritualization 屬靈化 : “There is a Biblical support, therefore it must be right”Justification 辯護化 : “Therefore, it is right and no one can challenge me!”Accountability & Counseling: “Check reality”
222Over-Coming The Pitfalls Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextOver-Coming The PitfallsBuild Friendships: Dual Relationships & Boundaries. Can you have a church buddy?Learn to establish intimate relationships: VulnerabilityVariety of friendships, no dual relationshipsFriend to your Spouse & ChildrenBalance of Rational-Emotional AwarenessAccountability Group: Other pastors, counselorGet Personal Counseling for self: Confidentiality
223Sexual Desires and the Pursuit of Holiness 情欲天所賜Available at
225腓立比書 Philippians 2:15 聖經新譯本 (NIV) Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context腓立比書 Philippians 2:15 聖經新譯本 (NIV)好使你們無可指摘、純真無邪，在這彎曲乖謬的世代中，作上帝沒有瑕疵的兒女；你們要在這世代中發光，好像天上的光體一樣，so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe
226Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context “How Well Do you Know your Kids” Barbara Kantrowitz & Pat Wingert, 38-39Almost half of youths today lived through their parents’ divorce63% of youths live in households where parents work outside of the home25% say their mothers were home when they return from school98% teens spent 11 hour/week watching TVTeenagers spend 3.5 hrs. alone daily
227The Disconnected Generation Saving Our Youth from Self-Destruction Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextThe Disconnected Generation Saving Our Youth from Self-Destruction(McDowell, Josh. Project 911.) byJosh McDowell List Price: $14.99 Our Price: $11.99 You Save: $3.00 (20%)Paperback pages (July 2000) Word Books; ISBN: X ; Dimensions(in inches): 0.72 x 8.95 x 6.01
228The Disconnected Generation Saving Our Youth From Self-Destruction Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextThe Disconnected Generation Saving Our Youth From Self-Destruction“The real battle is not in the amoral and immoral influences of our culture, but in the hearts of our kids. Today's young people are losing hope because they feel isolated and alienated from their parents. They are the disconnected generation.”
229Biblical Principle for Parents Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextBiblical Principle for ParentsStewardship -RewardSons are a heritage from the LORD, children a reward from him. Psalm 127:3兒女是耶和華所賜的產業，腹中的胎兒是他的賞賜。聖經新譯本詩篇 127:3
230Biblical Principle for Parents Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextBiblical Principle for ParentsTraining - GuidanceTrain a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.Proverbs 22:6教養孩童走他當行的路，就是到老，他也不會偏離。 聖經新譯本 箴言 22:6
231Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Josh McDowell's Handbook on Counseling Youth A Comprehensive Guide for Equipping Youth Workers, Pastors, Teachers, and ParentsbyJosh McDowell,Bob HostetlerList Price: $18.99 Our Price: $15.19Paperback (June 1996) Word Books; ISBN: X ; Dimensions (in inches): 1.20 x 9.12 x 7.34
232Asian-American Discipline Trap Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextAsian-American Discipline TrapRules without a Relationship will lead to Rebellioneither outright disobedience or,as so often happens,Passive rebellion or Indifference.
233Basic Counseling Issues (Traps) Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextBasic Counseling Issues (Traps)Denial of Problems: Blame; No Ownership“IP” Identified Patient ConceptIP is the “Carrier” of Family ProblemsIP: Barometer of Real Patient-System ProblemFamily System IssuesFix parts to fix the wholeFixing only a part, but missing the wholeRecurrent-Chronic Problems“Forest & Trees” IssuesNeed for Comprehensive Understanding
234Counseling Essentials Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextCounseling EssentialsKey Issue: Parental Relationship ProblemsTeenage Problems: Anger DerivativesDestructiveness: Acting-Out: Authority IssuesDepression: Acting-In: Truancy-Poor GradesSystemic Dynamics: Family-Marital-ChildIdentified PatientSystemic Changes: Family TreatmentAvoid One-Sided Information Collection
235歌羅西書 Colossians 3:20-21 聖經新譯本 NIV Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context歌羅西書 Colossians 3: 聖經新譯本 NIV你們作兒女的，要凡事聽從父母，因為這在主裏是可喜悅的。你們作父親的，不要激怒兒女，免得他們灰心喪志。Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.
236“IP” Identified Patient Concept Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context“IP” Identified Patient ConceptWhat is Identified Patient? Why?System Theory of Family CounselingOne part of a problem: Reflects System problemWho is your client? (Your loyalty?)The “IP” (child)?The Parents?The System?
237Teenage Psychological Symptoms Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextTeenage Psychological SymptomsBehavioral ManifestationsAnger: DestructivenessTruancy: School ProblemsSubstance Abuse: Emotional PainTalking-Back: OppositionalPromiscuity: Intimacy at all costsMasked Depression: Anger, Truancy, Diurnal Shifts, Social Isolation, Low Grades
238瑪拉基書 Malachi 4:5-6 聖經新譯本 NIV Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context瑪拉基書 Malachi 4:5-6 聖經新譯本 NIV「看哪！在耶和華大而可畏的日子來到以先，我必差派以利亞先知到你們那裏去。他要使父親的心轉向兒女，兒女的心轉向父親，免得我來擊打這地，以至完全毀滅。」"See, I will send you the prophet Elijah before that great and dreadful day of the LORD comes. He will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers; or else I will come and strike the land with a curse."
239Erickson’s Psychosocial Developmental Stages Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextErickson’s Psychosocial Developmental StagesYear Stage CharacterBasic Trust vs. Mistrust HopeAutonomy vs. Shame & Doubt WillInitiative vs. Guilt PurposeIndustry vs. Inferiority CompetenceIdentity vs. Role Confusion Fidelity(Faith)Intimacy vs. Isolation LoveGenerativity vs. Stagnation CareIntegrity vs. Despair Wisdom
240Youth Developmental Characteristics Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextYouth Developmental CharacteristicsAge AdolescenceCognitive Form Formal Operational: “Black or White”Moral Judgment Conventional: Mutual interpersonal concord. Law & Order MoralityPsychosocial Identity vs. Role Confusion: FidelitySocial Awareness Group identity. Social-Peer pressureAuthority Focus Group derived: Conformity-AcceptanceCommunication Subtle, felt meaning, symbolicSymbolic Function Progress from Symbolic to Concrete
241Teenage Stages of Development Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextTeenage Stages of DevelopmentPassage from preteen to teenage-hood, to young adulthoodGoing through an identity crisis: Who am I? Am I worthy?How do I know I am accepted? Do I belong?How do I know I am approved of and affirmed of my sexuality?Passage: Car (Identity symbol)-Man? Beauty (Popular)-Woman?What makes me a man now? What is manhood?What makes me a woman now? What is womanhood?The impacts of media: “Ellen” “Melrose Place” “Bay Watch” Shaping the secular teen scene: Establishing the popularity standards for teens to conform toSexually active: Popularity=sexuality
242Bible verses on the Father Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextBible verses on the FatherProverbs 20:7 The just [man] walketh in his integrity: his children [are] blessed after him. (KJV)Proverbs 20:7 The righteous man leads a blameless life; blessed are his children after him. (NIV)Children Learn by your Personal Examples
243Arrows Analogy: Individuation Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextArrows Analogy: IndividuationPsalm 127:4-5 Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth.5 Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies in the gate.Children, like Arrows Need to be Launched Accurately with Skill, Strength and Practice
244Parents Must Accept Teens Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese ContextParents Must Accept TeensMatthew 18:5-6 "And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me.6 But if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.(NIV)
248Joy Luck Club: The Mothers Suyuan: June “story teller” Her mother abandoned twin daughters while escaping war in ChongqinLindo 15 year old bride: WaverlyYing Ying: who drowned her own son, depressed: Daughter Lena has no spiritAn Mei’s mom was raped and killed herself with opium dumplings: Rose
249Joy Luck Club: The Daughters June (main character): Failed at PianoWaverly (Chess player): Smile naturally now mom! I always do; Waverly!Lena: Has no spirit for I have none to give her. Married a miser, Harold; everything is fifty-fifty. Love yes, false dependency no!Rose: Divorced husband of rich family, winery and publishing house. Mrs. Jordan
250Asian Traumatized Women Multiple Traumatic ExperiencesAt the hands of their mother and fatherSexism & favoritismPhysical Abuse and Emotional AbuseSexual Abuse, Molestation and ViolationBorderline Personality FeaturesImpulsivity, Low Self-Esteem, Abandonment FearsDepression: Frustration and Anger