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Effective Communication Speaking Up Assertively Linda D Tillman, PhD www.SpeakUpForYourself.com This presentation is the property of Linda Tillman ©Linda.

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Presentation on theme: "Effective Communication Speaking Up Assertively Linda D Tillman, PhD www.SpeakUpForYourself.com This presentation is the property of Linda Tillman ©Linda."— Presentation transcript:

1 Effective Communication Speaking Up Assertively Linda D Tillman, PhD This presentation is the property of Linda Tillman ©Linda Tillman, 2007, All rights reserved

2 Effective Communication 1. Respectful 2. Fact-based 3. Well-thought out 4. Assertive, not aggressive 5. Genuine

3 Speakupforyourself Assertiveness is a philosophy of respect – it is not a formula for speaking Assertiveness is a philosophy of respect – it is not a formula for speaking Expressing oneself assertively occurs: Expressing oneself assertively occurs: Nonverbally Nonverbally Verbally Verbally Interactively Interactively

4 Nonverbal Aspects: Areas on which to focus Eye Contact Eye Contact Voice Tone Voice Tone Posture Posture Personal Space Personal Space Facial expression Facial expression Use of Gesture Use of Gesture

5 Eye Contact The nonassertive person uses very little eye contact The nonassertive person uses very little eye contact The aggressive person never drops eye contact The aggressive person never drops eye contact The assertive person uses direct eye contact about 50 % of the time The assertive person uses direct eye contact about 50 % of the time

6 Voice Tone Nonassertive: Too soft, hard to hear Nonassertive: Too soft, hard to hear Aggressive: Too loud Aggressive: Too loud Assertive: Well-modulated tone of voice Assertive: Well-modulated tone of voice Caution: Letting your voice rise at the end of a sentence interjects a note of uncertainty and implies that you are asking the other person, rather than telling him/her Caution: Letting your voice rise at the end of a sentence interjects a note of uncertainty and implies that you are asking the other person, rather than telling him/her

7 Posture Nonassertive person: Folds into themselves and makes themselves small. Fidgets Nonassertive person: Folds into themselves and makes themselves small. Fidgets Aggressive person: Confrontive. Stands up and leans into the other person’s space Aggressive person: Confrontive. Stands up and leans into the other person’s space Assertive person: Stands up straight and tall Assertive person: Stands up straight and tall

8 Position and Space Respect means keeping on the same level Respect means keeping on the same level Sit when other is seated, Sit when other is seated, Stand when other is standing Stand when other is standing Stay about arm’s length apart Stay about arm’s length apart Standing or sitting at an angle allows each person to escape Standing or sitting at an angle allows each person to escape

9 Facial Expression Facial expression should reflect the emotion you are expressing Facial expression should reflect the emotion you are expressing “I am angry” requires a serious expression “I am angry” requires a serious expression “I am delighted” requires a happy expression “I am delighted” requires a happy expression

10 Gestures: Notice these gestures Hands on hips: aggressive Hands on hips: aggressive Nodding head “yes” Nodding head “yes” Pointing with pen in aggressive gesture Pointing with pen in aggressive gesture Clenching fist Clenching fist Shaking head “no” Shaking head “no”

11 Effective Verbal Communication Nonverbal is the foundation – now let’s look at effective verbal communication

12 Good Assertive Listening Nonverbal Listening Nonverbal Listening Verbal Responsive Listening Verbal Responsive Listening Restatement Restatement Reflection Reflection Clarification Clarification Good Listening results in helpful free Information Good Listening results in helpful free Information Note: If you are thinking about what you are going to say next, you are NOT listening

13 Nonverbal Listening Nod your head to indicate that you are listening Nod your head to indicate that you are listening Lean in toward the other person to indicate that you are attending to him/her Lean in toward the other person to indicate that you are attending to him/her Make sounds like, “Oh,” or “Um-hmmm” or “I see what you are saying,” to indicate that you are paying attention Make sounds like, “Oh,” or “Um-hmmm” or “I see what you are saying,” to indicate that you are paying attention

14 Restatement, Reflection, Clarification Restatement: Restatement: Say back to the other person what you have heard him/her say to you Say back to the other person what you have heard him/her say to you Reflection: Reflection: Indicate what you both saw, heard and interpreted when he/she spoke Indicate what you both saw, heard and interpreted when he/she spoke Clarification: Clarification: Ask speaker to be more definite about a point or to clear up an assumption you are making or a conclusion you are drawing. Ask speaker to be more definite about a point or to clear up an assumption you are making or a conclusion you are drawing.

15 Free Information Listen for information that the person shares in the process of making a point. Listen for information that the person shares in the process of making a point. Example: Example: Speaker: When I was teaching school, I remember how hard it was to figure percentages Speaker: When I was teaching school, I remember how hard it was to figure percentages Free information: Speaker was a teacher; Speaker may have a hard time with math Free information: Speaker was a teacher; Speaker may have a hard time with math

16 Elements of Assertive Communication Soft Assertion Soft Assertion Basic Assertion Basic Assertion Empathic Assertion Empathic Assertion Escalating Assertion Escalating Assertion Confrontive Assertion Confrontive Assertion

17 Soft Assertion A soft assertion is a statement that does not require anything of the listener A soft assertion is a statement that does not require anything of the listener A compliment is a soft assertion because you can or cannot respond; you can throw the compliment away (“Oh, this old thing!”) or you can say, “Thank you.” A compliment is a soft assertion because you can or cannot respond; you can throw the compliment away (“Oh, this old thing!”) or you can say, “Thank you.” A shirt that has a message on it such as “Save the Whales” is a soft assertion because you do not have to respond, but you get the stand the person is taking when you read the shirt A shirt that has a message on it such as “Save the Whales” is a soft assertion because you do not have to respond, but you get the stand the person is taking when you read the shirt

18 Basic Assertion A Basic Assertion is a simple statement of what you want or don’t want to happen A Basic Assertion is a simple statement of what you want or don’t want to happen “I would like to go to a movie tonight.” “I would like to go to a movie tonight.” “I don’t want to have to drive carpool today.” “I don’t want to have to drive carpool today.” The Basic Assertion is strengthened by its simplicity. Too much detail or explanation complicates the request or stand you take.

19 Empathic Assertion The Empathic Assertion is the most effective assertive statement one can make The Empathic Assertion is the most effective assertive statement one can make The empathic assertion attempts to imagine how the other person may be thinking or feeling before you make a basic assertion: The empathic assertion attempts to imagine how the other person may be thinking or feeling before you make a basic assertion: “I imagine you may be feeling frustrated with the lack of deadlines for this project, but I want us to get everything right before we set an endpoint.” “I imagine you may be feeling frustrated with the lack of deadlines for this project, but I want us to get everything right before we set an endpoint.” “If I were you, I’d want to avoid talking about this, but I’d like to discuss how to parent our 2 year old when he/she has a temper tantrum.” “If I were you, I’d want to avoid talking about this, but I’d like to discuss how to parent our 2 year old when he/she has a temper tantrum.”

20 Escalating Assertion The Escalating Assertion has a consequence attached to it. The Escalating Assertion has a consequence attached to it. “If you come in after midnight one more time, I’ll take away your car.” “If you come in after midnight one more time, I’ll take away your car.” “If you get this grant funded, I’ll make sure you get a raise in your next review.” “If you get this grant funded, I’ll make sure you get a raise in your next review.”

21 Confrontive Assertion A Confrontive Assertion is a statement made when an agreement has been violated A Confrontive Assertion is a statement made when an agreement has been violated “We agreed that you would take out the trash every Tuesday in order to earn your allowance. It is Wednesday and you didn’t take out the trash yesterday. Consequently, I won’t be giving you your allowance this week.” “We agreed that you would take out the trash every Tuesday in order to earn your allowance. It is Wednesday and you didn’t take out the trash yesterday. Consequently, I won’t be giving you your allowance this week.”

22 Taking Responsibility A Negative Assertion is assertively accepting a mistake that you have made. When George Washington said, “I’m sorry, Dad, I chopped down the cherry tree,” he was making a negative assertion. A Negative Assertion is assertively accepting a mistake that you have made. When George Washington said, “I’m sorry, Dad, I chopped down the cherry tree,” he was making a negative assertion. When it’s difficult for someone to say, “I’m sorry,” they sometimes avoid the negative assertion in a way that hurts the other person: When it’s difficult for someone to say, “I’m sorry,” they sometimes avoid the negative assertion in a way that hurts the other person: “I’m sorry you feel that way “I’m sorry you feel that way “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings I’m sorry I did it, but if you hadn’t……then it never would have happened. I’m sorry I did it, but if you hadn’t……then it never would have happened.

23 Good Communication is NOT Adversarial Connection is the cornerstone of good communication Connection is the cornerstone of good communication Connection requires empathy with the other person Connection requires empathy with the other person Empathy requires imagining what it is like to be the other person and fashioning your statements with their feelings in mind Empathy requires imagining what it is like to be the other person and fashioning your statements with their feelings in mind

24 Assertive Negotiation Identify the problem Identify the problem Listen assertively Listen assertively Brainstorm ideas Brainstorm ideas Pick a solution to try Pick a solution to try Make a contract Make a contract Try out the solution with limits Try out the solution with limits Examine and look for problems in the contract Examine and look for problems in the contract

25 Follow-up in Effective Negotiation Make a contract Make a contract Plan a follow-up Plan a follow-up Discuss pluses and minuses Discuss pluses and minuses Make adjustments Make adjustments Plan another follow-up Plan another follow-up

26 The Power of Saying “No” Unassertive “No” is accompanied by weak excuses and rationalizations Unassertive “No” is accompanied by weak excuses and rationalizations Aggressive “No” is done with contempt Aggressive “No” is done with contempt Assertive “No” is simple and direct Assertive “No” is simple and direct

27 Strategies for saying “No” It’s OK to ask for time to “think it over” It’s OK to ask for time to “think it over” Shake your head “No” as you say, “No” Shake your head “No” as you say, “No” It’s honorable and authentic to say “No” It’s honorable and authentic to say “No” If you say, “Yes,” when you want to say, “No,” you’ll resent what you agreed to do If you say, “Yes,” when you want to say, “No,” you’ll resent what you agreed to do Use an empathic response Use an empathic response Start your sentence with the word “No” Start your sentence with the word “No”

28 Effective Communication Notice nonverbal language in yourself and others Notice nonverbal language in yourself and others Choose your words with thought and care Choose your words with thought and care Make assertive statements that are simple and direct Make assertive statements that are simple and direct Negotiate with respect and make a follow-up plan Negotiate with respect and make a follow-up plan Use your assertiveness skills to set limits, say “No,” and to move in the direction of what you want Use your assertiveness skills to set limits, say “No,” and to move in the direction of what you want

29 Linda D Tillman, PhD 1904 Monroe Dr. NE, Suite Monroe Dr. NE, Suite 200 Atlanta, Ga Atlanta, Ga ext ext. 17 Explore our website: and learn even more about assertiveness Explore our website: and learn even more about assertiveness Thank you for viewing this presentation. Thank you for viewing this presentation.


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