1. Hold Me Tight® Workshop
Presented by:
****
Developed by Dr. Sue Johnson
Graphic Design by Dr. Rebecca Jorgensen

2. Goals To help you understand: Love Emotions/Needs
Learn, and stop your negative “Dance”
© Sue Johnson 2010

3. Couples

4. Couples
Notice: Couple research emerged out of research done with married, heterosexual couples.
Gottman and colleagues found that the degree of emotional connection between intimate partners is a predictor for marital stability.
(Gottman, Coan, Carrere, & Swanson 1998)

5. It does not go away just because we grow up.
We Need
Instant decrease in husbands’ heart rate, which is a reasonable proxy for physiological arousal association with lots of negative things, given a moment of humor by the wife – during a fight. Even little moments of positive affect, regulatory efforts that cross brains, the relative success of these moments have consequences. Couples who do this well were the happiest 4 years later, a little bit less successful = unhappy 4 years later – and less successful than that, divorced. (Probability with success is 35%) (Gottman: Scientifically Based Marital Therapy)
It makes us vulnerable
It does not go away just because we grow up.

6. The defining element is how we deal with our vulnerability
—How we understand our emotion and the signals we get and give our partner makes the difference
—Couple distress is not because we have too much emotion.
—Love is an emotional bond that is a wonderful thing or an incredible source of pain.
—Without it we face emotional starvation
Pull people close
Push people away
Turn away

7. We need someone to talk to as much as we need fire and water
We need someone to talk to as much as we need fire and water. If we don’t have them we create them.
Story of Wilson from movie Cast Away - we all understood his
terror and grief - we inherently understand attachment needs

8. Susceptibility to shock, stress and pain
As we are closer we are stronger
Conflict
Depression
Anxiety
Susceptibility to shock, stress and pain
Self-awareness
Other-awareness
Problem solving
Flexibility
Curiosity
With secure attachment -

9. Having a loved one hold your hand really does take the hurt away
fMRI Study – Jim Coan: Introducing threat and holding hands
Why wives? “You hedge your bets” The studies are expensive.
X = 20% threat of getting shock, O no shock – been done by cognitive neuroscientists over 2 decades. It’s a very reliable way to illicit negative affect. 1st replicated other studies with having the experiment done while the subject was alone.
Bodily arousal - unpleasantness
“How we deal with our relationships is closely tied to how long we live, how frequently we go to the doctor, how rapidly we recover from injury, how happy we tend to be in our lives. People have known for a long time that being in a relationship, particularly in a close, trusting relationship where there’s a lot of emotional connection and emotional intimacy, seems to facilitate how well your body takes care of itself.”
“super couples,” those with exceptionally high-quality relationships. “Hand-holding had a particularly profound effect on soothing their brains,” Coan said, involving two structures that were not affected at all in other test subjects.
People can be physically available but emotionally unavailable – which creates emotional isolation.
We are social creatures.
“The structures that govern our emotion and our ability to regulate our emotion all evolved in social contexts.”
“Literatures on emotional in the brain and emerging literature on social processes in the brain are all talking about precisely the same structures.”

10. Jim Coan: Social BaselineTheory
©Rebecca Jorgensen 2010

11. The people we love are the "hidden regulators" of our bodily processes and our emotional lives – Sue Johnson "Hold Me Tight"

12. Secure Attachment is a Neural Duet
We regulate each other’s physiology. Felt sense of security. We can tune into our emotions – they tell us what we need. Demassio research on meaning and decision making with amygdala injury
Can give coherent messages about need.
Tolerate ambiguous messages more.

13. Effective Dependency
The level of emotional responsiveness that defines how we respond to stress.
Effective dependency. The level of emotional responsiveness that defines how we respond to stress.

14. A.R.E.
Accessibility
Responsiveness
Engagement

15. Can I reach you? Do I matter?
ACCESSIBILITY

16. Can I depend on you? Will you come when I call?
RESPONSIVENESS

17. Are you emotionally present? Do you share? Will you keep me close?
ENGAGEMENT

18. A.R.E. questions are often hidden in content issues
A lasting, fulling, secure, in-love relationship is entirely possible if we have a map.

19. It’s impossible to create a sentiment of tenderness by any process of reasoning. Marilyn Yalom

20. Good Morning
Homework review -

21. Attachment Review

22. A.R.E. Questionnaire A.R.E. You There? A - Accessible R - Responsive
E - Engaged (Present)
Take a moment and write down your goals for this workshop
for your couple relationship and for yourself personally and
then fill out the ARE questionnaire.
7 or above - on your way to a secure bond
Below 7 - need work to strengthen your bond
Break up into dyads and share your responses with your partner.

23. Sue Johnson
Zing

24. Primal Panic
Primal Panic – if the answers to A.R.E. are no –Jaak Pankseep.
Loose balance and can’t cope even if have insights and skills. The hidden script in the drama of distance is what John Bowlby called separation distress.

25. Still Face and Protest
Separation Distress Pattern

26. How people get stuck And What They Need
“ABC’S of Attachment” by Dr. Rebecca Jorgensen. Acceptance, Belonging, Comfort and Safety of attachment – to develop an ability to stay in emotional contact, to not threaten their bond, especially around sensitivities.
ARE’s – especially at pivotal moments
To identify their cycle/stuck place/to have their partner start to understand them and see things from different points of view to de-escalate the conflict
—Without it we face emotional starvation
And What They Need

27. Getting the Pattern and the Pain
Secondary Emotion/ Reactive - Turn Up or Turn Down
Primary Emotion/Vulnerable, Softer, Universal
Getting the Pattern and the Pain
Dysregulation is a lack of neuro-intergration (Siegel) and shows up as over-regulated emotion or under-regulated emotion.
Universal Distress/Emotions
Sad - Lonely - Alone
Surprise - Joy
Fear (attachment related fear of rejection or fear of abandonment)
Shame

28. With Primary Emotion Revealed
A Couple Interaction
With Primary Emotion Revealed
Use the Script with volunteer readers
debrief

29. Attachment Perspective
A Map for Loving Stable Relationships
A Model for a Secure Bond
attachment
care taking
sexuality
Map outlines the logic of our emotions
The longings and needs that guide interactions
A path for repair and renewal
A language of love
A guide to pivotal and defining moments in our relationships

30. 5 Conversations Demon Dialogue Raw Spots Rocky Moments
Forgiving Injuries
Hold Me Tight
Possibly the 6th - on Sexuality.
7th - Keeping Love Alive

31. Conversation 1 Recognizing Your Demon Dialogue

32. How Love Goes Wrong
We get stuck in Demon Dialogues when we don’t understand:
the nature of love
our own needs
our impact on our partner
the confusing/distorted signals we often send

33. How Love Goes Wrong: The Demon Dialogues
Misses or mis-attunements are inevitable.
2. We don’t re-attune and see the game.

34. How Love Goes Wrong
3. Negative Spirals 4. Enemy to Secure Connection 5. Reach/Risk - Respond If missing then negative strategies are being used.

35. Conversation One Overview Recognizing Your Demon Dialogue
Stop:
Anger/Distance
See the Game/Change the Level - emotional music/dance is the enemy

36. Three Habitual Dances
Find the Bad Guy
Freeze and Flee
Protest Polka

37. Find the Bad Guy Where did this start? Black & White Anger
Both trapped
Stuck in Content

38. Find the Bad Guy Spiral The more you attack,
the more dangerous you appear
the more I watch my back
the harder I hit back
The more you attack,

39. Freeze and Flee Mutual Withdrawal Strangers - parallel live
Prelude to detachment

40. Freeze and Flee Spiral The more I hold back and shutdown my feelings
The more careful and distant you become
The more distant you are
The more I go into my shell and chill out

41. Protest Polka Most Common Disconnection protest Needs hidden
Unclear signals

42. Protest Polka Spiral
the more I pursue (complain, demand, instruct criticize)
the more dangerous I appear
the more you move away (shut-down, defend, dismiss)
the more dangerous (uncaring/inaccessible) you appear
the more I try to get through

43. Do you pull your partner into this spiral?
One says the message - DO NOT ENTER (it’s dangerous)
The other turns up the heat - LET ME IN (it’s dangerous)

44. Pursuing Partners I’m dying here. I’m shut out.
My feelings don’t matter.
It’s lonelier than living alone.
By myself.
Dismissed.
I get no response. I yell to get a response, any response.
I don’t matter to....
We’re roommates.

45. Withdrawing Partners I never get it right - can’t please.
I try to FIX it - doesn’t work.
I give up, space out.
Best to avoid a fight - try
to keep things calm.
I’m failing here.
Paralyzed.
No point.
Go behind my wall.
Numb out.

46. Safe emotional engagement is the only “solution” to this problem.

47. Introduction to HMT Couple

48. Video Conversation 1 Recognizing Your Demon Dialogue
Your spouse’s negativity.... leaves you
shell shocked. You feel so defenseless
you’re left with the most reflexive, least
sophisticated responses in your repertoire:
to fight (act critical) or flee (stonewall).
Any chance of resolving the issue is gone.

49. Video Conversation 1 Recognizing Your Demon Dialogue
Introduce Arwen and Blair

50. Exercise Conversation 1 Recognizing Your Demon Dialogue
Introduce exercise
Emotionally prepare participants for this exercise - what could happen, what do to do if you get triggered.
Debrief

51. Conversation Two - Overview Finding the Raw Spots
Sensitivities
Temperament, attachment histories, present relationships, traumas
We all
have them

52. Vulnerability Comes with Love
Choice: How to deal with it?
Security - share, soothe, trust deepens
More Insecure - Emotion UP or OFF, hit each other’s raw spots

53. ZING
Raw spots clip from AAMFT 2009 Sacramento Plenary: ZING

54. Goal: Pinpoint the attachment vulnerabilities, the deeper attachment feelings that trigger Demon Dialogues.

55. Universal Raw Spots Trigger Alarm Fight/Flight Helplessness
Deprived -> Deserted
Deprived -> Rejected

56. To Show Ourselves Takes Courage
Emotions are fast - if disorganized - confused - off balance. Signals get scrambled.
We show nothing which is reactive shut down (protect)or
We show reactive anger (more control)

57. Hard to Tune Into Raw Spot Emotions are FAST
We pick up on secondary coping responses.

58. When a Raw Spot is Hit Radical shift in emotional tone
Response may seem out of proportion
When off balance - instant survival mode - step into spiral
Often no map - out of control - feelings themselves get scary or cue shame.
Making sense of raw spots and dealing with them well is key to breaking power of Demon Dialogues at moments of disconnection.

59. What we do in moments of disconnection is key
Emotion is the music of the attachment dance.

60. Video Introduction to HMT Couple

61. Video Conversation 2 Finding the Raw Spots

62. Video 2 Conversation 2 Finding the Raw Spots

63. Unpacking the Raw Spot Cue/Trigger Body Feeling
Inner Dialogue (catastrophe)
Action fight/flee or move close/move away
Surface feeling your partner sees
Raw deeper emotion

64. EXERCISE Conversation Two
Sensitivities
debrief
We all
have them

65. Conversation 3 Revisiting a Rocky Moment
© Sue Johnson 2010

66. Focus is on Repairing rifts Rising above the negative cycle
Reframing the cycle as the enemy - not your partner
© Sue Johnson 2010

67. Key Steps
See spiral.
Call it.
Stop it.
© Sue Johnson 2010

68. Key Steps Both claim your moves See spiral. Call it. Stop it.
© Sue Johnson 2010

69. Key Steps Claim your softer, raw spot, emotions
See spiral. Call it. Stop it.
Both claim your moves
Claim your softer, raw spot, emotions
© Sue Johnson 2010

70. Key Steps Own how you shape your partners feelings.
See spiral. Call it. Stop it.
Both claim your moves
Claim your softer, raw spot, emotions
Own how you shape your partners feelings.
Ex. I turn away and you get scared.
© Sue Johnson 2010

71. Key Steps Supportively share your softer emotions
See spiral. Call it. Stop it.
Both claim your moves
Claim your softer, raw spot, emotions
Own how you shape your partners feelings. Ex. I turn away and you get scared.
Supportively share your softer emotions
© Sue Johnson 2010

72. Key Steps Find an exit, comfort each other © Sue Johnson 2010
See spiral. Call it. Stop it.
Both claim your moves
Claim your softer, raw spot, emotions
Own how you shape your partners feelings. Ex. I turn away and you get scared.
Supportively share your softer emotions
Find an exit, comfort each other
© Sue Johnson 2010

73. Key Steps Recreate a secure base See spiral. Call it. Stop it.
Both claim your moves
Claim your softer, raw spot, emotions
Own how you shape your partners feelings. Ex. I turn away and you get scared.
Supportively share your softer emotions
Find an exit, comfort each other
Recreate a
secure base
© Sue Johnson 2010

74. Group Reading What is Arwen and Blair’s main Demon Dialogue?
What role do each play? (p/w)
What are Arwen’s underlying raw spot emotions? Blair’s?
How do they take control?
What happens when they do?
Can you imagine doing this?
© Sue Johnson 2010

75. EXERCISE Conversation Three
© Sue Johnson 2010

76. Conversation Forgiving Injuries
© Sue Johnson 2010

77. Presence - not perfection
We will hurt those we love. It’s how we deal with this that matters.
© Sue Johnson 2010

78. What is hurt? Reactive Anger Sadness Fear Rejection Abandonment
Always about the value of self and connection with self.

79. Unanswered Calls Relationship Traumas involve disconnection
at moments of high:
Fragility
Need
Loss
Illness
Trauma
Uncertainty
© Sue Johnson 2010

80. Key Injuries
Relationship Traumas involve disconnection at moments of high need.
Destroy Safety
Destroy Trust
Abandonment and Betrayal = NEVER AGAIN
© Sue Johnson 2010

81. Make negative cycles worse or create them
Can’t dismiss
Can’t go around
Time does not heal
MUST GO THROUGH
© Sue Johnson 2010

82. Only one kind of apology works
© Sue Johnson 2010

83. Steps in Forgiveness of Injuries
Wounded one distills and discloses the pain - what it is
The event
© Sue Johnson 2010

84. Steps in Forgiveness of Injuries
2. Other tunes in, accepts the hurt.
Openly shares how their hurtful actions evolved.
Warning: you (the disclosing partner) might get triggered here -
work to stay out of defending or protesting.
© Sue Johnson 2010

85. Steps in Forgiveness of Injuries
3. Wounded one shares the core of the hurt. Not blaming or defining the other.
The emotional essence
© Sue Johnson 2010

86. Steps in Forgiveness of Injuries
4. Other now apologizes.
Expresses real remorse - regret, sadness, shame.
You’re pain, hurts me.
© Sue Johnson 2010

87. Steps in Forgiveness of Injuries
5. Wounded one can now ask for comfort.
The connection that was and is missed.
© Sue Johnson 2010

88. Steps in Forgiveness of Injuries
6. Partner provides the antidote.
I am here now.
© Sue Johnson 2010

89. Steps in Forgiveness of Injuries
7. Together create a story of healing.
New view of the relationship.
© Sue Johnson 2010

90. Powerful Apologies KEY MESSAGES Your hurt:
is legitimate/understand able
impacts me - I care about it.
I feel sorrow, regret shame that I hurt you.
I am here now
Toxic alternatives: I refuse to trust and test you again, and again. “Prove it.” or
I deceive, refuse to be seen, cannot own my impact on you. Deny.
© Sue Johnson 2010

91. Powerful Apologies There is a right moment to forgive.
We can not predict it in advance, we can only get ourselves ready for it when it arrives.
Don’t do it quickly but don’t wait too long...if we wait too long, our rage settles in and claims squatters rights to our souls.
© Sue Johnson 2010

92. Video
© Sue Johnson 2010

93. Ask Yourself Do you have relational hurts that keep echoing back?
© Sue Johnson 2010

94. Ask Yourself
Can you help your partner understand the key emotional part of this hurt without blaming?
© Sue Johnson 2010

95. Ask Yourself
When you listen, can you hear your partner’s hurt and let it touch you?
© Sue Johnson 2010

96. Ask Yourself
Can you express regret, asking how you can help to heal this hurt?
© Sue Johnson 2010

97. EXERCISE Forgiveness Conversation
© Sue Johnson 2010

98. EXERCISE Forgiveness
1. Hurt partner describes pain in attachment terms -
“Never again”
2. Other acknowledges the hurt partner’s pain and their part in it
3. Injured one risks, shares deeper feelings – terrible conclusions
4. Other owns impact of his/her actions, expresses “real” remorse -
I care about your pain. Your pain is legitimate
I feel regret / shame at my actions. I am here now
5. Hurt partner expresses fears and needs alive in the injury -
A Hold Me Tight conversation.
6. Other now responds - offers safe haven. Emotional presence heals.
7. Together, the couple create a new healing story.
© Sue Johnson 2010

99. Hold Me Tight Conversation 5 Becoming Open and Responsive
© Sue Johnson 2010

100. A.R.E. A positive cycle that creates safety and connection.
© Sue Johnson 2010

101. When we can have this conversation we can:
Recover from distress (EFT research)
Grow trust - create safe haven/secure base
Turn on cuddle hormone
Access skills, be flexible
Be more assertive and confiding
© Sue Johnson 2010

102. When we can have this conversation we can:
Empathize and give care
Play in sex
Within ourselves - grow, learn, risk
With another - RESONATE - coordinate moves
Solve problems, they are just problems now
© Sue Johnson 2010

103. Your Partner Can Help You Tune In To:
Share Fears. So you can stay positively engaged.
Share Deeper Needs. So you can help your partner respond.
This creates Safe, strong partners. Safe, strong bonds.
© Sue Johnson 2010

104. The Tipping Point Conversation
Actively build positive bonding spiral
Turn moments of disconnection into A.R.E. conversation
Create Effective Dependency
© Sue Johnson 2010

105. Creating Resonance Secure Talk
Tuning in and speaking the language of attachment
Accessing fears and longings
Fears and longings - two sides of the same coin
Secure Talk
© Sue Johnson 2010

106. What Am I Most Afraid Of? Share Openly Part 1:
Take the elevator down into the emotions - listen to them
Focus inside - find felt sense
Name the fear: can use image or adjective
Explore the “Terrible if’s”
What are the fears that leap out at moments of disconnection and pull me
into demon dialogues
Use emotions identified in Conversation 2
Image - shattered/ Adjective - helpless/ Emotion - terrified
Terrible If’s - catastrophic beliefs
Share Openly
© Sue Johnson 2010

107. The Hold Me Tight Message
Part 2:
Listen to, and hold, the longing in the fear.
Share this, “I need” message
How can you help me feel a secure connection?
What I need From You Is
© Sue Johnson 2010

108. The Hold Me Tight Message
Part 2:
When deep inside I feel ______
I need you to _____________
You do have to ask - be specific - be sure it’s about your attachment need (acceptance, belonging/I’m yours and you’re mine, comfort or safety)
Be at the same level
Other Attends - Tunes In
Offers FEELING response
© Sue Johnson 2010

109. Too Hard? Slice it Thinner
Part 2:
When deep inside I feel ______
I need you to _____________
AND it’s too hard to ask right now.
What are you afraid of will happen if you ask?
Be at the same level
Other Attends - Tunes In
Offers FEELING response
© Sue Johnson 2010

110. Too Hard? Slice it Thinner
Part 2:
When deep inside I feel ______ (like I do right
now), I need you to _____________.
Be at the same level
For Partner:
“I hear you. I want to, and I don’t know how right now”
© Sue Johnson 2010

111. At best: HMT statements
Coherent
What and how (voice and face) fit together with meaning
Emotionally engaged, in contact, sincere
Clear and simple message to our partner
Focused on present moment (not past or future)
Be at the same level
© Sue Johnson 2010

112. At best: HMT statements
To achieve a lasting loving bond we have to be able to tune into our deepest needs and longings and translate them into clear signals...
We have to recognize the primal code of attachment rather than to attempt to dismiss and by pass it.
Susan M. Johnson, Hold Me Tight
Be at the same level
© Sue Johnson 2010

113. HMT Conversation Video
Sue’s intro - then arwen and blair
© Sue Johnson 2010

114. HMT Conversation Video Tim and Kim
© Sue Johnson 2010

115. EXERCISE Hold Me Tight Conversation
© Sue Johnson 2010

116. Synchrony Sex Conversation 6
Bonding Through Sex and Touch
© Sue Johnson 2010

117. Key Points Safe emotional connection fosters great sex –
Great sex creates deeper emotional connection
Sex is intimate play - a safe adventure. Part of a good relationship.
Fear and arousal don’t mix. “Thrill” is presence and responsiveness to the moment
© Sue Johnson 2010

118. 3 Kinds of Sex 1. Sealed Off 2. Solace Sex 3. Secure Synchrony Sex
1. Focuses on sensation, performance, novelty
2. Cuddles, not orgasm, sex is the proof of love
3. Lets go, tunes in, communicates, expresses needs,
open to the moment.
© Sue Johnson 2010

119. Practice and Presence makes Perfect
Touch and Chemistry link Sex and Attachment
Bonding and Mating are meant to be integrated
© Sue Johnson 2010

120. 3 Kinds of Sex Touch arouses and soothes
Oxytocin released at orgasm and tender touch (and bonding conversations)
© Sue Johnson 2010

121. Video Bonding Thru Sex and Touch
arwen and blair
© Sue Johnson 2010

122. Bonding Through Sex and Touch
Exercise
Bonding Through Sex and Touch
© Sue Johnson 2010

123. Conversation 7 Keeping Your Love Alive
© Sue Johnson 2010

124. Reach and Receive
In love, you don’t have to fix everything, you just have to be there.
© Sue Johnson 2010

125. We all need loving attention
Giving and receiving love is like a language, use it or lose it.
© Sue Johnson 2010

126. We all need loving attention
Bonds are a dance, if no practice....
© Sue Johnson 2010

127. We all need loving attention
Emotional Starvation
© Sue Johnson 2010

128. Proposition
If we recognize and accept the primal code of attachment, and learn to dance to this tune (co-regulate) we can create more loving relationships, families and societies.
© Sue Johnson 2010

129. Starts with one key relationship. and this
Starts with one key relationship! and this Starts with one key conversation
© Sue Johnson 2010

130. Ways to keep your love alive
1. Know the danger
point detours
© Sue Johnson 2010

131. Ways to keep your love alive
2. Album - keep images and stories of key moments
© Sue Johnson 2010

132. Ways to keep your love alive
3. Create rituals - small everyday and more momentous.
Coming and going
Connecting and disconnecting
Making time
© Sue Johnson 2010

133. Ways to keep your love alive
4. Do HMT (fears & needs) conversations. The best investment you will ever make.
© Sue Johnson 2010

134. Ways to keep your love alive
5. Safety first - connect emotionally. Especially before problem solving struggles.
© Sue Johnson 2010

135. Ways to keep your love alive
Create a resiliency relationship story.
Dragons fought
Stressors survived
Injuries healed
Key responses that created and create connection.
© Sue Johnson 2010

136. Ways to keep your love alive
7. Write a future love story
Dreams
Possibilities
In 10 years time we will.
© Sue Johnson 2010

137. Ways to keep your love alive
8. Play 90 minutes a Week:
Novel
Challenging
Research indicates playing increase marital satisfaction
© Sue Johnson 2010

138. Secure Connection: Key Messages
Our need for this specific kind of emotional connection is:
PRIMARY/ABSOLUTE
the basis of marriage, family, humane society
“neural net of hope and faith”
© Sue Johnson 2010

139. We must accept our longings, needs, biology - the primal code of attachment. To reach and respond.
© Sue Johnson 2010

140. Secure Connection: Key Learning
Compassion for others and tolerance are best learned through secure connection.
© Sue Johnson 2010

141. Secure Connection: Key Learning
Emotional presence and responsiveness is key to love and loving.
© Sue Johnson 2010

142. Secure Connection: Key Learning
Love is not a mystery anymore.
© Sue Johnson 2010

143. Deep and lasting love is within the reach of all of us
© Sue Johnson 2010

144. Secure Connection: Key Learning
In love, you don’t have to be rich or smart or talented or funny.
You just have to be there.
Robert Karen.

145. Exercise: Conversation 7 Keeping Your Love Alive
© Sue Johnson 2010

146. Closing Sharing