1. I Never Knew I Had a Choice - 7th ed.
by Gerald Corey & Marianne Schneider Corey
Wadsworth
A division of
Thomson Learning, Inc.

2. Invitation to Personal Learning and Growth
THE SERENITY PRAYER “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”
What are your personal reactions to the Serenity Prayer?
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 1 (1)

3. Balancing Self-Esteem and Other-Esteem
We are social beings and many of our relationships are affected by relationships with others
Self-esteem and other-esteem should not be thought of as polar opposites
Other-esteem involves respect, acceptance, caring, valuing, and promoting of others
Strive to see the world anew by reexamining your present beliefs and values
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 1 (2)

4. Humanistic Approach to Human Growth
Self-actualization is the core of a humanistic view of people
Self-actualization is a process you work toward, rather than a final destination at which you arrive
Striving for growth implies becoming all you are capable of becoming
Abraham Maslow’s model of the self-actualizing person offers a foundation for understanding growth
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5. Key Figures of the Humanistic Movement
Alfred Adler’s theory stresses self-determination and sees people as creative, active, goal-oriented, and choice-making beings
Carl Jung believed that humans are not merely shaped by past events, but strive for growth as well
Carl Rogers stressed the importance of nonjudgmental listening and acceptance as a condition for people to feel free enough to change
Abraham Maslow emphasized joy, creativity, and self-fulfillment
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 1 (4)

6. Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs
Once the lower need is satisfied, then the next higher need motivates us
5) Need for self-actualization
4) Esteem needs
3) Love needs
2) Safety needs
1) Physical and survival needs
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 1 (5)

7. Core Characteristics of Self-Actualizing People
Self-awareness
Freedom
Basic honesty and caring
Trust and autonomy
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8. What Kind of Learner Are You?
Auditory learner
Visual learner
Kinesthetic learner
Emotional learner
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9. Suggestions for Getting the Most From the Course and Book
Take the time to prepare for class by reading and reflecting
Be willing to take risks necessary for change
Use the class as a way to explore your beliefs about personal topics
Practice new behavior outside of the class
Keep a personal journal
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 1 (8)

10. Reviewing Your Childhood and Adolescence
INFANCY
Core task: Develop sense of trust in self and others
Erikson’s core struggle: trust versus mistrust
Critical importance of sense of being loved during infancy
Infancy provides the foundation for later development
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 2 (1)

11. Early Childhood
Erikson’s core struggle: autonomy versus shame and doubt
Central task is to begin the journey toward autonomy
A time for learning what it means to be interdependent
Importance of developing emotional competence
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 2 (2)

12. The Preschool Years Erikson’s core struggle: Initiative versus Guilt
A time for learning basic attitudes regarding sexuality
A time for increasing the capacity to understand and use language
Importance of learning to accept the full range of one’s feelings
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13. Middle Childhood Erikson’s core struggle: Industry versus Inferiority
Increasing understanding of self --- gender, race, culture, abilities
Relationships as a major focus during middle childhood
A time for developing the self-concept
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 2 (4)

14. Ego-Defense Mechanisms
Psychological strategies we use to protect our self-concept
We use ego defenses at various stages of life to soften the blows of reality
Ego defenses help us cope with anxiety
These defenses have adaptive value if they are not excessively used to avoid facing reality
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 2 (5)

15. Adolescence Erikson’s core struggle: Identity versus Role Confusion
A critical period in the development of personal identity
Implications of individuation or psychological separation from parents
Psychological moratorium - a time for experimentation with different roles before making major commitments
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 2 (6)

16. Adulthood and Autonomy
THE STRUGGLE TOWARD AUTONOMY
Process of autonomy begins in early childhood and continues throughout life
Ultimate goal is the development of a mature and interdependent self
Autonomy means knowing yourself and having significant connections with others
Cultural factors play a key role in determining the kind of relationships that govern one’s life
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 3 (1)

17. Challenging Early Messages (or Parental Injunctions)
Examples of parental injunctions that we incorporate into our lives:
Don’t make mistakes
Don’t be close
Don’t be a child
Don’t succeed
Don’t be you
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 3 (2)

18. Albert Ellis and Uprooting Irrational Beliefs
Your faulty thinking is what leads to your emotional upsets
You can best change your feelings and actions by changing your beliefs
It is essential to identify and challenge self-defeating beliefs
Become aware of your should’s, ought’s, and must’s
Learn ways of challenging your internal dialogue and your inner critic
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 3 (3)

19. Early Adulthood
There are wide variations in the way in which people experience early adulthood
Erikson’s core struggle: Intimacy versus Isolation
Emerging adulthood: a distinct period from both adolescence and young adulthood
Emerging adulthood offers rich opportunities for exploring personal identity in the areas of love, work, and values
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 3 (4)

20. Middle Adulthood A time of going outside of ourselves
This can be a time of great productivity
Erikson’s core struggle: Generativity versus Stagnation
When we reach middle age, we come to a crossroads
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 3 (5)

21. Late Middle Age
People often think of what they want to do with the rest of their lives
There are many positive and creative dimensions of middle age
A time to consider new sources of meaning in our lives
A time to examine priorities and make new decisions
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 3 (6)

22. Late Adulthood Erikson’s core struggle: Integrity versus Despair
Prevalent themes often include loss, loneliness, dependency, regrets over past events and decisions
It is essential to challenge the stereotypes of late adulthood
The attitude an older person has about aging may be more important than chronological age
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 3 (7)

23. Your Body and Wellness HOLISTIC HEALTH versus TRADITIONAL MEDICINE
Traditional medicine focuses on identifying symptoms of illness and curing disease
Holistic health focuses on all facets of human functioning
The holistic approach assumes the unity of body and mind
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 4 (1)

24. Wellness
Wellness consists of all aspects of functioning: physical, psychological, social, intellectual, and spiritual
Wellness involves the integration of body, mind, and spirit
Wellness deals with positive health, not the absence of sickness
Wellness is a lifestyle choice rather than a one-time decision
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 4 (2)

25. REDS — A Formula For Wellness
Developing sound habits pertaining to sleeping, eating, exercising, and cultivating our spirituality are basic to any wellness program
R = Rest allows our physical body to regenerate itself
E = Exercise can prolong and enhance life
D = Diet is a major factor that affects our long-term health
S = Spirituality is a pathway to developing meaning in life
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 4 (3)

26. Suggestions for Getting Better Sleep
Establish a regular sleep routine
Don’t take your worries with you to bed
Exercise regularly
Engage in meditation or relaxation methods prior to retiring
Avoid eating heavy meals close to bedtime
Maintain realistic self-talk about sleep
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 4 (4)

27. Some Benefits of Exercise
Increasing respiratory capacity
Releasing pent-up emotions
Increasing feelings of well-being and self-esteem
Reducing the risk of illness
Reducing body weight
Increasing physical strength and endurance
Providing you with a source of enjoyment
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 4 (5)

28. Dr. Andrew Weil’s Thoughts on Eating Well for Optimum Health
Dr. Weil, who teaches physicians at the University of Arizona’s Program in Integrative Medicine, believes that:
Eating for health and eating for pleasure are not incompatible
What and how we eat is key to how we feel and how we age
We can make choices about what to eat and what not to eat
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 4 (6)

29. Your Body Image
A healthy body and a positive body image allows you to do what you want physically
Your view of your body has much to do with choices in other areas of your life
Early decisions you have made about your body will likely affect you now
Weight is related to body image for many people
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 4 (7)

30. Managing Stress STRESS AND EVERYDAY LIFE
Stress - an event or series of events that lead to strain, often results in physical and psychological health problems
Sources of stress are frustrations, conflicts, pressures, and change
Learning to cope with stress is essential to maintain wellness
Stress has both positive (eustress) and negative (distress) effects
Either we control stress, or stress controls us
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 5 (1)

31. Effects Of Stress
If stress is not handled in a constructive way, it often produces adverse physical and psychological effects
Under stress our bodies experience the “fight-or-flight” response
Chronic stress causes bodily wear and tear resulting in psychophysiological disorders
Negative emotional states of anxiety and depression are the result of prolonged stress
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 5 (2)

32. Stress and the Hardy Personality
Some people seem to be especially resilient and are better able to cope with stress
Distinguishing characteristics of hardy people are
A liking for challenge
A strong sense of commitment
An internal locus of control
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 5 (3)

33. Some Constructive Paths to Managing Stress
Time management
Money management
Challenging self-defeating thinking and negative self-talk
Developing a sense of humor
Learning to relax
Mindfulness
Meditation
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 5 (4)

34. Suggestions for Managing Stress
Think of ways to simplify your life
Learn and practice a variety of relaxation exercises
During the day – pause and remember to breathe
Make the time each day to do what you really enjoy doing
Keep your mind focused on what you are experiencing in the present
Make the time to be alone on a regular basis
Be kind to yourself --- and to others
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35. Some Hints on Time Management
Time management can be a route to helping you set priorities and accomplishing your goals
Actions you can take to remain in charge of your time:
Establish clear and attainable goals
Decide what you can accomplish in a given period of time
Keep a schedule book and organize your time
Before accepting a new project consider if you have a full plate
Be comfortable with what you do accomplish
Reward yourself
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 5 (6)

36. Recognizing and Dealing with Burnout
Burnout is a state of physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual exhaustion
Striving for unrealistically high goals can lead to burnout
The key is to recognize subtle sign of burnout
Changing the way in which you approach school or work can prevent burnout
Prevention is better than remediation
Don’t forget to take good care of yourself
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 5 (7)

37. Love MYTHS AND MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT LOVE Love is eternal
Love implies constant closeness
We fall in and out of love
Love is exclusive
True love is selfless
Love and anger are incompatible
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 6 (1)

38. Fears of Loving and Being Loved
Fear of isolation
Fear of being discovered
Uncertainty of love
no guarantees
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 6 (2)

39. Characteristics of Inauthentic Love
Pseudo-love may look like authentic love, but it stifles growth
One whose love is inauthentic ---
Attaches strings to loving and loves conditionally
Is possessive
Depends on the other person to fill a void in life
Needs to be in charge and make decisions for the other person
Lacks commitment
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 6 (3)

40. Meanings of Authentic Love – A Personal Perspective
LOVE MEANS
Knowing the person
Caring about the person
Having a responsibility toward the person
Having respect and dignity for the person
Accepting imperfection
Growth for both people in the relationship
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41. Relationships MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIPS — A PERSONAL PERSPECTIVE
Each person in the relationship has a separate identity
Both actively work at keeping the relationship alive
Each person is growing and changing
Each person is moving in a direction in life that is personally meaningful
They encourage each other to become all they are capable of becoming
Each has a commitment to the other
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 7 (1)

42. Anger in Relationships
There is value in recognizing and expressing anger
Express anger in a way that does not assassinate another’s character
Don’t hold on to anger or nurse grudges
Recognize danger signs when anger gets in the way of relationships
Talk more about yourself than about what is wrong with the other person
Decide when it is better not to express anger
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 7 (2)

43. Guidelines for Dealing Effectively with Conflict and Confrontation
Conflict can be a healthy sign of individual differences
If you confront a person, know why
View confrontation as a caring act
Accept responsibility for your own feelings
Tell others how you are struggling with them
Don’t walk away from conflict
Be open to forgiving others who have hurt you
Be willing to forgive yourself
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 7 (3)

44. Barriers to Effective Communication
Recognizing communication blocks is the first step toward opening the channels to dialogue
Some barriers are
Hearing only what you want to hear
Being overly concerned about getting your point across
Silently rehearsing what you will say as you are “listening”
Becoming overly defensive
Making assumptions about the other person without checking them out
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 7 (4)

45. Hints for Coping with Termination of a Meaningful Relationship
Allow yourself the time to grieve
Express your anger without violence
Take responsibility for your own part in the relationship
Find a support network
Make use of writing in your journal
Be willing to forgive — both yourself and the other person
Seek closure
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 7 (5)

46. Becoming the Woman or Man You Want to Be
SOME KEY POINTS ON GENDER-ROLE IDENTITY
The gender-role standard encourages a static notion of “clear roles into which all women and men must fit”
Examine the experiences you have had that influence your gender-role identity
Reflect on your models that have influenced your views of what it means to be a woman or a man
Be patient with yourself in challenging and changing your attitudes
Decide for yourself what kind of person you want to be, based on what you truly value
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 8 (1)

47. Portrait of Traditional Male Roles
Some stereotypes associated with the traditional male role include a man’s
Emotional unavailability
Power and aggressiveness
Denial of fears
Protection of his inner self
Denial of “feminine” qualities
Being driven to succeed
Lack of bodily awareness
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 8 (2)

48. Portrait of Traditional Female Roles
Some stereotypes associated with the traditional female role include
Women are warm, expressive, and nurturing
Women are not aggressive or independent
Women are emotional and intuitive
Women are passive and submissive
Women are more interested in relationships than in professional accomplishments
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 8 (3)

49. Challenging Traditional Gender-Role Expectations
Both women and men often pay a price for staying within the limited boundaries defined for them by their culture
Becoming aware of the process of gender-role socialization is the first step toward making choices about assuming expected role behavior
Men and women are challenging the societal conditioning that results in rigid role behavior
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 8 (4)

50. Alternatives to Rigid Gender-Role Expectations
The challenge is for women and men to work together in deciding how they want to be
Androgyny is the flexible integration of both feminine and masculine traits
Androgynous people can adjust their behavior to what the situation requires in integrated and flexible ways
Gender-role transcendence involves moving beyond gender roles
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 8 (5)

51. Sexuality MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT SEXUALITY
Women are not as sexually desirable when they initiate sex
As people get older, they are bound to lose interest in sex
By their very nature, men are sexually aggressive
The more physically attractive a person is, the more sexually exiting he or she is
Being attracted to someone of the same gender is abnormal
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 9 (1)

52. Some Concerns About Sexuality
A few concerns that many people have about sexuality
Worrying about performance standards
Contracting sexually transmitted diseases
Being preoccupied with one’s body
Feeling responsible for a partner’s dissatisfaction
Experiencing guilt over sexual feelings or behavior
Worrying if one is normal
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 9 (2)

53. Guidelines on Making Responsible Choices
In making responsible, inner-directed choices about whether to act on sexual feelings, you might consider
Will my actions hurt another person or myself?
Will my actions limit another’s freedom?
Will my actions exploit another’s rights?
Are my actions consistent with my values and commitments?
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 9 (3)

54. Basic Facts About AIDS
AIDS affects a wide population and continues to be a major health problem
There is much ignorance and fears of AIDS
AIDS weakens the body’s immune system and that allows other diseases to prey on the body
AIDS is considered an “equal opportunity disease” because it is found among people of all ages, genders, races, and sexual orientations
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 9 (4)

55. Transmission of HIV
Much is known about the transmission of HIV and how it can be avoided
Most people with HIV infection will eventually develop AIDS
With early treatment HIV can be retarded and the onset of AIDS can be delayed
Common forms of HIV transmission are unprotected sex with, or sharing intravenous needles with, a person infected with the virus
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 9 (5)

56. Prevention of HIV/AIDS and STD’s
Educate yourself about HIV/AIDS and about sexually transmitted diseases (STD’s)
Engaging in sex with multiple partners is high-risk behavior
Effective and consistent use of safer sex methods is a key to prevention
Consider abstinence as an alternative
Make responsible choices
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 9 (6)

57. Suggestions for Reducing Date Rape
Recognize that date rape is a betrayal of trust
Realize that using alcohol and drugs at parties can cloud your judgment
Listen carefully to each other and respect each other’s values and boundaries
Clarify your values and attitudes about sex before you are in situations where you have to make decisions about sexual behavior
Be prepared to act forcefully if assertive refusals don’t stop unwanted sexual advances
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 9 (7)

58. Facts About Sexual Harassment
Sexual harassment is repeated and unwanted sexually oriented behavior in the form of comments, gestures, or physical contact
Sexual harassment is abuse of the power differential between two people
It diminishes choice and is not flattering
If you are a recipient of harassment, realize you are not powerless and you have a right to break the pattern
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 9 (8)

59. Work and Recreation FACTORS IN VOCATIONAL DECISION MAKING
Motivation and achievement
Attitudes about occupations
Abilities
Interests
Values
Self-concept
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 10 (1)

60. John Holland’s Six Worker Personality Types
Realistic
Investigative
Artistic
Social
Enterprising
Conventional
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 10 (2)

61. Steps in the Process of Deciding on a Career
Begin by focusing on yourself
Generate alternative solutions
Gather and assess information
Weigh and prioritize your alternatives
Make the decision and formulate a plan
Carry out the decision
Get feedback
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 10 (3)

62. Balancing Work and Recreation
Work alone does not generally lead to a rich existence
Recreation involves creating ourselves anew and is a path to vitality
Recreation requires the ability to let go and experience life
The appropriate balance between work and recreation depends on the needs of the individual
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 10 (4)

63. Loneliness and Solitude
Loneliness often results from certain events in life such as:
Death of someone we love
The decision to leave a secure job for an unknown one
Moving to a new city
A long stay in a hospital
Loneliness is an experience of feeling set apart from others
Loneliness can indicate that we’ve failed to listen to our inner voice
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 11 (1)

64. Solitude Solitude is typically something we choose for ourselves
In solitude, we make time to be with ourselves and to discover who we are
Solitude provides an opportunity for renewal
Through solitude we are able to examine our lives and gain a sense of perspective
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 11 (2)

65. Ways People Attempt to Escape from Facing Loneliness
Living an overscheduled life
Striving for perfect control of the environment
Surrounding ourselves with people
Becoming a slave to routine
Numbing ourselves with alcohol or drugs
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 11 (3)

66. Some Consequences of Shyness
Shyness can make it difficult to communicate effectively
Shyness often holds people back from meeting new people
Shyness may prevent people from expressing themselves
Shyness often results in feelings of depression, anxiety, and loneliness
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 11 (4)

67. Death and Loss FEARS OF DEATH AND DYING
Some of the aspects of death we may fear are ---
Ceasing to be
Leaving behind those we love
Losing ourselves
Encountering the unknown
Coping with the indignity of a painful and long dying process
Growing distant in the memories of others
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 12 (1)

68. Death and the Meaning of Life
Life and death are two facets of the same reality
Realization of death can revitalize our goals
Acceptance of death can lead to discovery of meaning and purpose in life
Because time on earth is limited, there is an urgency about living
Ancient Greek dictum — “Contemplate death if you would learn how to live.”
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 12 (2)

69. Some Common Myths About Suicide
There are no warning signs
People who are suicidal want to die
People who talk about suicide will not do it
Suicide is genetic
Young people are more likely than old people to commit suicide
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 12 (3)

70. Some Warning Signs Indicating Suicidal Potential
Previous suicidal threats or comments
Giving away prized possessions
Talking about specific ways and a time plan for committing suicide
Chronic depression and feelings of hopelessness
Extreme changes of behavior and sudden personality shifts
Getting one’s life in order
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 12 (4)

71. Stages of Dying Denial Anger Bargaining Depression Acceptance
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72. Being “Dead” Psychologically and Socially
Are you caught up in deadening roles?
Are you alive to your senses and your body?
Can you be spontaneous and playful?
Are you alive to your feelings?
Are your relationships alive?
Are you alive intellectually?
Are you alive spiritually?
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 12 (6)

73. How Well Are You Living Life?
Consider writing three eulogies for yourself
Write an actual eulogy — one you would give at your own funeral
Write a feared eulogy — one that you fear someone might say
Write the eulogy you would hope for
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 12 (7)

74. Meaning and Values THREE EXISTENTIAL QUESTIONS Who am I?
Where am I going?
Why?
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 13 (1)

75. Our Quest for Identity
Identifying core values is a part of the quest for identity
An identity is not achieved once and for all
We need to listen to our inner selves and trust what we hear
We may decide to go against our cultural upbringing to create an identity that is congruent with our values
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 13 (2)

76. Examining Your Values Where did I develop my values?
Are my values open to challenge and modification?
How do my values affect my behavior?
Am I able to accept others — even if they think, feel, or act in different ways from me?
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 13 (3)

77. Embracing Diversity
Meaning in life can be found by paying attention to the common ground we are sharing and by becoming aware of universal themes that unite us
Create a philosophy of life that embraces under-standing and acceptance of diverse world views
Prejudice and discrimination are paths toward an empty existence
Becoming aware of our own subtle prejudice is the first step toward change
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 13 (4)

78. Ways of Breaking Down Barriers and Building Connections
Acknowledge and challenge your biases and prejudices
Avoid judging differences — view diversity as a strength
Be respectful of those who differ from you
Learn about cultures that differ from your own
Be willing to test, adapt, and change your perceptions
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 13 (5)

79. Where to Go From Here: Pathways to Growth
PATHWAYS FOR CONTINUED SELF-EXPLORATION
Develop a reading program
Continue your writing program
Engage in self-directed behavior change
Get involved in a support group
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 14 (1)

80. Counseling as a Way to Understand Yourself
You might consider seeking counseling when —
You feel out of control of your life
You are stuck
You are involved in an unsatisfying relationship
You are experiencing a spiritual crisis
You are experiencing a significant loss
You are the victim of discrimination or oppression
You fear using your potential
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 14 (2)

81. Understanding Your Dreams
The messages we receive in dreams are related to our hopes, fears, concerns of daily life
Dreams can reveal significant clues to events that have meaning for us
Dreams are messages that deserve to be listened to and respected
Dreams can provide a pathway to better understanding of yourself
I Never Knew I Had a Choice - Chapter 14 (3)