1. Love and Romantic Relationships
Chapter 8
Love and Romantic Relationships
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2. Have you ever had strong feelings for another person and wondered whether or not you were “in love?”
What do you look for in a potential long-term partner?
Do you think men and women look for different features in a marriage partner?
What about a short-term partner?
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3. Chapter Outline The Defining Features of Love
The Goals of Romantic Relationships
Obtaining Sexual Satisfaction
Establishing Family Bonds
Gaining Resources and Social Status
Breaking Up (and Staying Together)
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4. Defining Love and Romantic Attraction
The Defining Features of Love
Focus on Methods: Uncovering the Different Factors of Love
Are There Different Varieties of Love?
The Goals of Romantic Relationships
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5. Defining Features of Love
Beverly Fehr asked Canadian students to list as many features of love as they could in 3 minutes.
Students’ lists commonly included:
Caring Happiness
Friendship Warmth
Trust Commitment
Euphoria Sexualoopassion
Heartrateooincreases Etco
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6. The long list could be reduced to three essential components:
PASSION
physiological arousal, longing to be with
INTIMACY
close bond, sharing, support
COMMITMENT
willing to define as love, commitment to long term
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7. Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love (page 257)
Passion
Intimacy
Decision/
Commitment
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8. Factor analysis
Factor analysis – statistical technique for sorting test items or behaviors into conceptually similar groupings (page 258)
Example: Factor analysis was used to group various features of love into passion, intimacy, and commitment.
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9. Are There Different Varieties of Love?
Not all types of “love” involve the same mix of passion, intimacy, and commitment.
Passionate love – a state of intense longing for union with another
Companionate love – affection and tenderness for those whose lives are entwined with our own.
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11. Obtaining Sexual Satisfaction
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12. Did you think about sex even for a moment during the last 5 min?
When men and women under the age of twenty-five were asked this question, half of the men and 40% of the women said “Yes.”
Among those 26-55: 1 in 4 men and 1 in 7 women said “Yes.”
College men and women report several sexual fantasies per day.
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13. Obtaining Sexual Satisfaction
Hormones
Sociosexual Attitudes
Who’s Sexually Attractive?
Gender Differences in Sexuality
Arousing Settings
Cultural Norms about Sexuality
Sexual Situations Look Different to Men and Women
Cultural Practices May Trick Evolved Mechanisms
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14. Hormones
Injections of testosterone into men with malfunctioning testes increase sexual fantasies;
Stopping injections reduces fantasies.
Injections of testosterone also increase sexual desire and fantasy in women.
Sexual fantasies in teenagers of both sexes are also linked to testosterone.
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15. Sociosexual Attitudes
Sociosexual orientation – Individual differences in tendency to prefer either:
Unrestricted sex (without the necessity of love)
Restricted sex (only in the context of a long-term, loving relationship).
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16. Who’s Sexually Attractive?
Physically attractive individuals have more opportunities for sexual relationships.
College students in one study were willing to lie about themselves to win dates with physically attractive partners.
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17. What is Considered Attractive?
High bodily symmetry
Women with
Low waist-to-hip ratios
Lustrous, shiny hair
Large eyes and a small nose
Men with
Masculine features
A large jaw and a medium sized nose
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18. Gender Differences in Sexuality
Men and women differ in their criteria for sexual partners
But their criteria for long-term partners are very similar.
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19. Students in one series of studies were asked:
esearch
What is the minimum percentile of intelligence you would accept in considering someone for:
A date
A sexual partner
A one night stand
A steady dating partner
A marriage partner?
Kenrick, Groth, Trost & Sadalla (1993)
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20. Minimum Intelligence Desired
Women desire slightly above average for a single date
50th
%ile
AVERAGE
DATE 
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21. And want more with increasing commitment
%ile
DATE
SEX
STEADY
MARRIAGE 
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22. Men have similar criteria for dates
SEX
STEADY
MARRIAGE 
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23. And for long-term mates.
DATE
SEX
STEADY
MARRIAGE 
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24. Men’s criteria are considerably lower for sexual partners
DATE
SEX
STEADY
MARRIAGE 
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25. And the differences are even more pronounced for one-night stands.
DATE
SEX
STEADY
MARRIAGE 
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26. These results suggest females increase selectivity as the probability of pregnancy increases
And males are selective for long term relationships where they commit resources
But will be less selective if given the opportunity for a low investment reproductive opportunity.
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27. In one study, students were approached by another student of the opposite sex, who said:
“I have been noticing you around campus. I find you very attractive.”
This was followed by one of three invitations:
“Would you go out with me tonight?” or
“Would you come over to my apartment?” or
“Would you go to bed with me?” 
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28. Clark and Hatfield
esearch
Men were even more likely to say “yes” to the sexual invitation.
100 80 60
Percent Saying “Yes”
About half of both sexes said “yes” to the date.
Not a single woman said “yes” to the sexual invitation. 40 20
Go Out
Go to Apt.
Go to Bed
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29. Arousing Settings
Settings that increase physiological arousal often fuel feelings of passion.
Why?
Several theories have been advanced to explain this phenomenon. 
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30. Two-factor theory
According to this theory, feelings of love consist of:
General Physiological Arousal +
A Label For That Arousal
The theory posits that we can confuse the specific cause of our arousal, and we may mistake fear or anxiety for “love.”
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31. Two-factor theory
Consistent with the theory, men report more attraction to attractive women they meet in various arousing situations:
Expecting electric shock
On a shaky suspension bridge
After exercising.
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32. Two-factor theory Some problems with the theory:
When asked the cause of their arousal, people expecting shock do not mistakenly attribute it to the attractive woman.
Fear causes heterosexual students to report more liking towards people of the same sex (to whom they do not attribute any passionate feelings). Remember danger and emotional support from chapter 7
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33. Arousal-facilitation theory
According to this theory:
It is not necessary to assume people make mistakes about the causes of their arousal.
Arousal is simply a burst of energy that adds fuel to whatever fire is burning.
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34. Arousal-facilitation theory
If you go for a run after drinking coffee, you’ll run faster.
If you normally approach an attractive person or likable person, you’ll approach more enthusiastically if you are aroused.
You’re still energized even if you know your arousal came from a cup of coffee or a threat of electric shock.
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35. Arousing Settings
Obstacles to a love affair can produce arousal, which can sometimes fan the flames of love.
What do we desire most? Sometimes it is what we think we may not be able to have. Why buy the cow when the milk is free? Periods of forced separation.
Playing “hard to get”. Jealousy over another possible lover.
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36. Cultural Norms About Sexuality
Cultures vary in acceptance of premarital sex, extramarital sex, and appropriateness of sex without love.
Americans, on average,
Begin kissing at around age 14 or 15
Begin having intercourse around age 17.
Japanese begin kissing at around age 20.
Have intercourse at age 22 or 23.
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37. Sexual Situations Look Different to Men and Women
Compared to women, men perceive more sexuality in an interaction between a man and a woman.
This is true whether they are participants or observers.
However, men see interactions involving their sister as Platonic.
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38. Nonverbal cues
Monica Moore observed women in singles’ bars and more neutral settings.
Women in singles bars used a number of nonverbal gestures that appeared to initiate interactions with men, including:
Head tosses
Hair flips
Eyebrow flashes
Smiles.
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44. Cultural Practices May Trick Evolved Mechanisms
People are usually attracted to opposite sex neighbors (often marrying the girl or guy next door); “proximity-attraction principle”.
Children from kibbutz groups, however, did not show sexual attraction towards those raised in the same household. Why? Page 268
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45. Establishing Family Bonds
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46. Establishing Family Bonds
Passionate sexual attraction fades with time.
But feelings of intimacy and commitment increase with time.
The loss of a spouse is one of the most stressful of life events.
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47. The Importance of Attachment
Need to belong – the human need to form and maintain strong, stable interpersonal relationships
The same feeling that keeps a romantic couple bonded may be what keeps them attached to their children.
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48. The Importance of Attachment
Three-stage pattern of separation distress – reaction sequence shown by infants or adults when separated from those to whom they are intimately attached
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49. The Three-stage Pattern of Separation Distress
attempts to re- establish contact
PROTEST
inactivity and helplessness
DESPAIR
lack of concern and coolness towards parent or lover
DETACHMENT
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50. Secure Base Secure base – comfort provided by attachment figure
A secure base allows the person to venture forth more confidently to explore the environment.
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51. Bringing the male into the bond
A bond between mother and offspring is found in all mammals (who nurse and care for the young).
In 95% of mammalian species the male does not contribute to offspring care.
Humans are one of the rare exceptions.
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52. Establishing Family Bonds
Attachment Style
Exchange/Communal Orientation
Threats
Jealousy and Same-Sex Competitors
Relationships Change Our Personalities
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53. Attachment Styles SECURE ANXIOUS/ AMBIVALENT AVOIDANT
Attachments marked by trust that the other will continue to provide love and support
SECURE
ANXIOUS/
AMBIVALENT
Fear of abandonment; feeling that one’s needs are not being met
Defensive detachment from the other
AVOIDANT
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54. Exchange/Communal Orientation
Those who adopt an “exchange” orientation calculate costs and benefits in relationships.
Those who adopt a “communal” orientation pay more attention to partner’s needs.
Those with an exchange orientation are less satisfied with marriages.
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55. Threats
Situations that trigger fear, anxiety, or insecurity intensify attachments.
Threats to the relationship particularly enhance the motivation to bond more closely. Exceptions?
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56. Obsessive Relationships and Unrequited Love
Erotomania – a disorder involving the fixed (but incorrect) belief that one is loved by another, which persists in the face of strong evidence to the contrary
Obsessive relationships may stem from inappropriate activation of normal attachment bonds.
Erotophobia – fear of intimacy
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57. Jealousy and Same-Sex Competitors
Imagine you discover that the person with whom you’ve been seriously involved has become interested in someone else.
What would distress you more?
Imagining your partner falling in love and forming a deep emotional attachment to that person.
Imagining your partner having sexual intercourse with that person.
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58. Jealousy and Same-Sex Competitors
The majority of men reported more distress to the sexual infidelity.
About 80 percent of the women were more distressed over emotional attachment.
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59. Relationships Change Our Personalities
Long term relationships cause people to
Change attachment styles
Overestimate their similarities to their partner
Change their attitudes to fit with those of their partner.
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60. Gaining Resources and Social Status
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61. Gaining Resources and Social Status
In many animal species, females choose males who have managed to defend the most valuable territories.
Among humans, power and status bring access to material rewards.
Men with power and status have an easier time attracting mates.
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62. Gaining Resources and Social Status
Gender and Sexual Orientation
Culture, Resources, and Polygamy
Increasing Levels of Involvement
When Dominance Matters
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63. Women’s Preference for Status
Women prefer a well-dressed unattractive man to a good-looking man in a Burger King outfit.
Opposite for men judging women (Townsend & Levy, 1990).
Across societies women place more emphasis on a potential mate’s income and status (Buss, 1990).
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64. Men’s Preference for Reproductive Resources
Older men are attracted to relatively younger women (Kenrick & Keefe, 1992).
Younger men are attracted to relatively older women (Kenrick et al., 1996). Why??????
This same pattern is found across societies and historical periods.
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65. DIFFERENCE FROM TARGET'S AGE
Phoenix Singles Ads
Singles’ ads by young men show no preference for younger partners
Oldest preferred
Youngest preferred 20 20
But older men prefer partners younger than themselves 10 10
DIFFERENCE FROM
TARGET'S AGE
Women of all ages ask for men around their own age or older
-10
-10
-20
-20
10s
20s
30s
40s
50s
60s
10s
20s
30s
40s
50s
60s
MALE'S AGE
FEMALE'S AGE 
Kenrick & Keefe, Behavioral & Brain Sciences, (1992).
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66. Marriages show a similar pattern
Phoenix Singles Ads
Oldest preferred
Youngest preferred 20 20 10 10
DIFFERENCE FROM
TARGET'S AGE
Marriages show a similar pattern
-10
-10
-20
-20
10s
20s
30s
40s
50s
60s
10s
20s
30s
40s
50s
60s
MALE'S AGE
FEMALE'S AGE 
Kenrick & Keefe, Behavioral & Brain Sciences, (1992).
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67. DIFFERENCE FROM TARGET'S AGE
Phoenix Singles Ads
The same pattern was found on a remote island in the Philippines early in the century
Oldest preferred
Youngest preferred 20
PORO 10
DIFFERENCE FROM
TARGET'S AGE
-10
-20
10s
20s
30s
40s
>50
10s
20s
30s
40s
>50
MALE'S AGE
FEMALE'S AGE
The same pattern has also now been found in Africa, Brazil, Japan, and numerous other societies
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68. Are Homosexuals Different?
Homosexual men are like heterosexual men in their
Age preferences
Emphasis on physical attractiveness
De-emphasis of status.
Homosexual women?
This suggests mate preferences aren’t a simple “one-switch” mechanism. Page 277-8
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69. What Happens When Women Gain Status and Resources?
In societies where women have little wealth in power, the desire for wealth in a man is greater than in societies where women are relatively better off.
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70. Culture, Resources, and Polygamy
Monogamy – marital custom in which one man marries one woman
Polygamy – marriage involving more than one partner, includes polyandry and polygyny
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71. Culture, Resources, and Polygamy
Polyandry – one woman weds more than one husband.
Polygyny – one man weds more than one wife.
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72. Culture, Resources, and Polygamy
Polyandrous woman’s multiple husbands are usually brothers who share limited resources.
Extreme polygyny (e.g., harems) involves:
Steep social hierarchy
Great wealth in some families
Possibility of starvation for others. Page 280
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73. Social Exchange In Committed Relationships
Equity rule – each person’s benefits and costs in a social relationship should match the other’s benefits and costs
Relationships characterized by very positive feelings follow a need- based rule.
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74. When Dominance Matters
Although women are initially attracted to sex-typed dominant males, over time less sex-typed men are easier to get along with (Ickes, 1993).
To be attractive to a woman, dominance must be accompanied by agreeableness (Jensen-Campbell, Graziano, & West, 1995).
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75. When Dominance Matters
esearch
Women in one study read about a man who was either
Dominant or
Non-dominant
And either
Agreeable or
Disagreeable.
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76. Jensen-Campbell, Graziano, & West, 1995
esearch
Nondominant
Dominant 9
Desirability as a Date 7 5 3 1
Disagreeable
Agreeable
When the man was disagreeable, women found him undesirable as a date, regardless of whether he was dominant or nondominant.
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77. When he was agreeable, women found him desirable as a date
Jensen-Campbell, Graziano, & West, 1995
esearch
Nondominant
Dominant 9
Desirability as a Date 7 5 3 1
Disagreeable
Agreeable
When he was agreeable, women found him desirable as a date
And his desirability was enhanced if he was also dominant.
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78. Who’s on Top?
In a “Dating Game” experiment, unrestricted men used more direct competitive tactics (Simpson et al., 1999).
Men’s self-rated marriage potential drops after seeing socially dominant men.
Women’s drops after seeing physically attractive women (Gutierres et al., 1999). Page 282
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79. Breaking Up (and Staying Together)
Some People Are Better at Getting Along
Some Situations Pull Couples Apart
It Takes Two to Tango
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80. Some People Are Better at Getting Along
People in unstable relationships tend to be
Unconventional and extraverted
Prone to negative moods.
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81. Some Situations Pull Couples Apart
Economic problems often stress marriages.
When there is surplus of women to men, men are less likely to commit to marriage.
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82. It Takes Two to Tango
Low self esteem in one partner can cause that person to become cold and distant, making the relationship more costly for their partners.
People in stable relationships judge models in magazines as less attractive.
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83. Factors That Facilitate Workplace Romance, and Which May Create Stress in Current Relationships
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84. Studying Healthy Communication to Save Marriages
Markman and colleagues videotaped happy couples and unhappy couples as they discussed problems.
Unhappy couples responded to conflict with “zingers” – negative statements about their partners.
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85. Rules of Effective Communication
The researchers developed a premarital training program in effective communication.
Some of the helpful rules included:
1. Positive framing: Say “I’d enjoy playing tennis” NOT “I don’t want to go hang out with your boring friends again!”
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86. Rules of Effective Communication
2. Express appreciation: Say “Thanks for doing the dishes” vs. “You missed one!”
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87. Rules of Effective Communication
3. Avoid silent treatment: Say something when arriving, leaving, or going to bed.
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88. Rules of Effective Communication
4. Don’t be a “psychopest.” Don’t analyze your partner’s behavior as a guise for being a critic. “Hmm, that’s just like your mother’s behavior.”
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89. Rules of Effective Communication
5. Speak for yourself, not your partner. Don’t say “I know YOU’D enjoy a movie” say “I’d really enjoy a movie.”
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90. Rules of Effective Communication
6. Say it directly. Don’t say “do you want to eat out?” when you’re thinking “I’m dying to eat Mexican food.”
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91. Rules of Effective Communication
7. Nothing nice to say? Then keep quiet.
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