1. ACT With Love Russ Harris ACT World Conference July 2009

2. The Aim Of ACT Cultivate Psychological Flexibility: Be Present Open Up
Do What Matters

3. The Essence Of ACT
ACT= LOVE
Letting go
Opening up
Valuing
Engaging

4. ACT In A Nutshell The Present Moment Be Here Now Acceptance Values
Open Up
Values
Know What Matters
Psychological
Flexibility
Be present, Open up
Do what matters
Defusion
Watch Your Thinking
Committed Action
Do What It Takes
Self-as-context
Pure Awareness

5. Psychological Flexibility
Be Present
Contact With the Present Moment
Self-as-Context
Psychological Flexibility
Defusion
Committed Action
Values
Do What Matters
Open Up
Acceptance

6. 2 Nifty Acronyms How to DRAIN the vitality from a relationship:
Disconnection
Reactivity
Avoidance
Inside-your-mind
Neglecting values

7. 2 Nifty Acronyms How to increase the vitality in a relationship:
Letting go
Opening up
Valuing
Engaging

8. Taking A History What’s the problem?
-Can you tell me about a recent event that represents the main issue(s)?
-What have you tried so far to fix this? How did it work? What has it cost?

9. Taking A History
Relationship history: how did you meet, what attracted you, wedding day etc.
What do you appreciate in your relationship & your partner, currently?
What did you appreciate in your relationship & your partner back then?

10. Taking A History
On a scale of 1-10, how much work are you willing to do to improve the relationship?

11. Stay or leave? Assess pros & cons of each
Have you given it your best shot?
Whichever option you choose, you’ll need to make room for anxiety, doubt, worry etc
Sitting on the fence metaphor
Live by your values, whether you stay or leave

12. Taking A History Validate each partner’s pain
Facilitate compassion: What does it feel like for you when he/she does that?
Model factual description versus judgment & criticism
‘Differences versus defects’ (Jacobson, ICBT)
Draw out values wherever possible

13. Acceptance & Change Each partner typically starts from this:
You need to change …
…but accept me as I am!
How does it feel to be looked at as a ‘problem’?
Think of everything that’s wrong with your partner.
Now imagine someone saying this to you!

14. 6 Things Each Partner Can Do
Stop acting in ways that make it worse
Clarify and act on your values: be more like the partner you ideally want to be
Accept what is out of your control
Notice & reward behavior you like
Facilitate change via effective negotiation & communication skills
Create rituals to cultivate affection, warmth, fun, sensuality, sexuality, intimacy etc.

15. 6 Things Each Partner Can Do
The best outcome is likely if both partners do these things.
No two partners will do these things to the same extent.
Most approaches focus heavily on 4,5 & 6 (trying to influence your partner’s behavior)
In ACT, we focus first and foremost on 1,2 & 3
Why?

16. 6 Things Each Partner Can Do
1,2 & 3 are more empowering; you can apply them regardless of what your partner does.
The Paradox: If you live by your values, stop trying to change your partner, and instead practice acceptance … often your partner will make positive changes spontaneously!

17. Taking A History What sort of partner do you want to be?
What sort of relationship do you want to build?
Magic wand
Visualize: self as ideal partner vs self as reactive partner – reflect & share
10 yr anniversary– partner gives a speech
Valued living questionnaire
Share values

18. Typical Core Values
Connection
Caring
Contribution

19. Values to Goals What’s a small step you can take?
What’s a little thing you could do?

20. Values to Goals
If your partner actually does that, what difference would it make to you?
How will you let them know that?

21. Values to Goals If client makes positive changes:
What was that like for you?
What happened to your relationship as a result?
What’s another little step you can take?

22. Values to Goals If client doesn’t make positive changes:
What was that like for you?
What happened to your relationship as a result?
What got in the way?

23. The Barriers to change: F.E.A.R.
Official ACT version:
Fusion
Evaluation
Avoidance
Reason-giving

24. The Barriers to change: F.E.A.R.
Alternative version:
Fusion
Excessive goals
Avoidance
Remoteness from values

25. The Antidote to FEAR is DARE
Defusion
Acceptance
Realistic goals
Embrace values

26. Key Issues 4 approaches to any problem situation 1. Leave
2. Stay & Change what can be changed
3. Stay & Accept what can’t be changed & live by your values
4. Stay & Give up & do stuff that makes it worse

27. Key Issues Behavior change 101:
What’s in your control, and what’s not?
Carrot versus stick

28. Key Issues Communication 101:
Ask clearly for what you want, (and explain why)
Express clearly what you don’t want, (and why)
Boundaries & consequences
As you do this, be the partner you want to be!
Facilitate compassion: openness & vulnerability

29. Key Issues Facilitate compassion: openness & vulnerability
Create meaningful rituals

30. Key Issues
ACCEPTANCE
On a journey of love, you will soon encounter pain
Can you make room for both?

31. Key Issues ACCEPTANCE Observe: Breathe: Allow I notice I’m feeling x
I’m having the thought that ..
Get present; ground yourself
If necessary leave the situation
If you do leave the situation, practice mindfulness & acceptance (practice letting go of unhelpful stories)

32. Key Issues Once grounded, ask yourself
What sort of partner do I want to be? What are my values here?
If I could be that ideal partner, I would respond by doing …
Then take action, guided by those values
Visualize/write/rehearse those responses

33. Key Issues In other words: Be present, open up & do what matters!
This is an act of …
Letting go
Opening up
Valuing
Engaging

34. Key Issues CONFLICT Stop arguments in session
Do mindfulness then and there
What’s your body doing? Breathe into it.
What’s your mind saying? Name it.
Always come back to workability: What sort of things do you say & do when this happens? How does that work in the short term? Does it help your relationship in the long term?

35. Key Issues CONFLICT What judgments does your mind make about him/her?
What happens if you buy those judgments?
I’m making the judgment that ..
Naming the story; putting it on a card

36. Key Issues CONFLICT Being right versus being loving
I’m right; you’re wrong

37. Key Issues CONFLICT Distinguish values from rules What are your rules?
What are your partner’s rules?
Where did these rules come from?
What happens when you fuse with them?

38. Key Issues CONFLICT : Defusion of Rigid rules Expect them Notice them
Name them

39. Key Issues CONFLICT Discuss inevitability
Increase awareness of triggers
Increase acceptance
Be wary of simple solutions !
For many issues there is no simple solution: can that be accepted?
Learn to discuss difficult issues with mindfulness and compassion

40. Key Issues CONFLICT ‘Pet arguments’ Name your stories
Being right versus being loving
‘But’ vs ‘And’
Anger management if necessary (really conflict management: managing action not emotion!)

41. Key Issues CONFLICT Repair attempts
What’s the tiniest step you could take that might repair some of the damage?
Acknowledge & accept repair attempts (John Gottman: 7 Principles of Making Marriage Work)
Turn conflict into compassion. How?
Vulnerability and openness

42. Key Issues REFRAMING PROBLEMS How can I grow from this?
What can I learn from this?
Imagine your partner is a personal trainer or life coach that you have hired to help you grow: what skills can you learn, what strengths can you develop, as a result of your sessions?

43. Key Issues THE PERFECT PARTNER Do they exist?
Do you always act the way you expect yourself to act?
The Perfect Partner Story

44. Key Issues CHANGING BEHAVIOR
Willingness to change, versus wanting to change
Facilitate willingness through values
Distinguish values-driven change from: resentful change/ guilt-induced change/ trying to ‘keep her happy’/ trying to ‘put up with him’

45. Key Issues CHANGING BEHAVIOR Identify barriers: FEAR
Discuss inevitability of ‘relapse’
When your partner screws up, how will you respond?
When you screw up, how will you respond?

46. Key Issues
LOVE
Distinguish the action of love from the feeling of love
Magic wand

47. Key Issues INTIMACY Be present Share valued activities
Practice connection
Facilitate acceptance of vulnerability/anxiety
Applies to psychological, emotional and physical intimacy
‘Eyes on’

48. Key Issues SELF-COMPASSION 3 key components (Neff, K.D. 2003)
Mindfulness
Kindness
Commonality
COMPASSION FOR YOUR PARTNER
Facilitate through cultivating vulnerability & openness

49. Key Issues FORGIVENESS Give yourself what was there before
Do it for yourself
Anger & resentment – costs of fusion
Respond with mindfulness
Not just about ‘letting go’!
The aim is to let it come, let it stay and let it go - ‘as it pleases’

50. Key Issues FORGIVENESS RITUAL Each partner writes:-
The thoughts, feelings/ memories I’ve been holding on to are …
How holding on has hurt me & our relationship:
Commitment to letting all this old stuff come and go without holding on to it
Choose a special place, read it out, do something symbolic (eg burn it & scatter the ashes) then do something to connect lovingly

51. Key Issues
TRUST
Distinguish the action of trust from the ‘feeling’ of trust (not a true ‘feeling’ as such; more a ‘sense’ – strong cognitive component)
No control over ‘feelings’ of trust – only over the actions.
Balance values around trust with values around self-protection
Mindful trust versus blind trust

52. Key Issues WHAT BEHAVIOR IS UNACCEPTABLE?
Follow all legal obligations & be transparent about it.
After that, it is up to the client to decide.
The extreme case: domestic violence.
You can share your feelings, in a defused, open, accepting, non-judgmental manner - but do not try to enforce your beliefs on the client.

53. Key Issues WHAT BEHAVIOR IS UNACCEPTABLE? Deal with your own stuff.
Focus on building the therapeutic relationship and making a safe space for the client.
Help them increase their psychological flexibility.
Then let them choose for themselves.