1. Molly Brown, BA CHKD Parent Educator molly.brown@chkd.org 757.668.9304
Five Languages of Love
Molly Brown, BA
CHKD Parent Educator

2. Why are you here today?

3. Hopefully, you came How? to learn how to fill a child’s
emotional tank.
How?
By learning to speak
their love language.

4. Before we start…

5. Unconditional love is the foundation
♥ No matter what they look like ♥ Handicaps
♥ Abilities ♥ Behavior
You still care for them! 5

7. Finding a child’s primary love language is important!
Over time, a child’s
primary love language
may change.
With children under
age 5, you might not
be able to figure out
their primary love language.

8. Understanding Languages of Love
Caregivers do need to speak
all 5 love languages to keep
the emotional tank full.
If you have several children,
chances are they speak different love languages and need to be loved in different ways.

9. How did you know an adult loved you when you were younger?

10. Languages of Love ♥ Physical Touch ♥ Words of Affirmation
♥ Quality Time
♥ Gifts
♥ Acts of Service

11. #1 Touch High fives Hugs Bear hugs Kisses Pats Soft strokes Massage
Snuggling
Riding piggyback
Contact sports

12. If you were to ask, “How do you know ____ loves you?”
“I know my mommy loves me because she
is always hugging me… and my friends.”
(A Book of Hugs)
“Mr. Cassidy always
gives me a high five
when I see him.”

13. Physical Touch Infants, toddlers, school age children - need lots!
Boys 7 -9 years old - may
resist hugs and kisses but
still need physical contact
(wrestling, bear hugs, high fives,
playing sports, running your
hands through their hair)
Adolescence - Boys and girls pull back but don’t hold back touches.
Girls need more expressions of love from dads during this time (if not, they will seek it out from another man).

14. Touching Some need personal space Read body language Ask if you can
Pull back?
Ask if you can

15. and this is their love language, you will hurt them very deeply.
If you use physical touch as an expression of anger or hostility, (spanking)
and this is their love language,
you will hurt them very deeply.

16. So find ways to use positive touch

17. Find the moments!

18. # 2 Affirmation Words of Praise Encouragement Guidance Support
Some children become
accustomed to praise
and expect it (self-esteem)

19. Words Give positive messages “I love you” – some can’t say this
“Thank you for _____”
“I’m so proud of you”
“I’m so proud of you for _______”

20. Verbal or Written Write a note Send a card Send an email Post it
In with their lunch
On their hand
(The Kissing Hand)
Send a card
Send an

21. You are a cheerleader!

22. “Wow, that was close” or “That’s a great effort, you’ve almost got it” instead of “Come on you can do better than that”

23. “I can’t do it!” You haven’t been able to do it up to now.
Encourage means “to instill courage”
You haven’t been able to do it up to now.

24. Communication Are you really listening?
Need to be approachable, accepting, open, no put downs, non-judgmental

25. Watch your tone and body language

26. Boys to Men We want: Caring Sensitive Believe in female equality
We still say:
“Don’t cry”
“Toughen up”
“Be strong”
“What sport do you play?”
“Be a man”

27. Choose your words carefully
Choose your words carefully. Words of disapproval will hurt them very deeply.

28. Comment on the positive

29. So… find ways to encourage and praise!

30. # 3 Quality Time
Play
with
me!

31. In a school setting adults show this love language by being a:
Teacher that stays after school.
Volunteer that comes in to read.
Staff person who
comes out to after
hour school events.

32. When you spend time with a child, you create memories for a lifetime.

33. “My dad comes to my soccer game and we go out for
a smoothie afterwards.”
“Mom took just me fishing.”
∞Plenty of time to talk

34. Time Plan for quality time One-on-one time with each child
Lunch
Camping trip
One-on-one time with each child
Be excited to see them! Find time when you are relaxed and upbeat (not exhausted).

35. Quality vs. Quantity Eye contact Smile ☺ Really be with them
Are you ignoring me?
Often use in negative way
Smile ☺
Really be with them
Quality conversation
Ask specific questions
Give examples from your day
Try storytelling

36. Parents - Do ANYTHING! Watch a movie Read a book Trip to the store
Finger paint with
chocolate pudding
Dance together
Go to a jump house
Go mermaid hunting

37. Ask “If you could do something special with
mom/dad, what would that be?”
flash light tag
Keep it simple, make it fun! (KISMIF)

38. Family Dinner

39. Slow down. Learn to say, “No” to other obligations
Slow down! Learn to say, “No” to other obligations. Make time with your child a priority.

40. So go play!

41. # 4 Gifts Has little to do with the size and cost
Not to be a payback or bribe
Avoid a guilt gift
(going overboard is not the cure all)
Should be personal, know/learn interest of the child
Tangible, visual reminder, “I know your thinking about me.”

42. A child would say…
“Mom bought me new school clothes.”
“My dad bought me a baseball glove.”
“Grandpa brought
me a rock from
Yellowstone Park.”

44. Receiving Gifts Children whose primary love language is gifts will:
Make a big deal about receiving the gift
Want the present wrapped or given in a creative way
Will talk about how it is wrapped
Feel very special when opening it and want your undivided attention while opening it
Make a special place for the gift and want to share or show it to friends
It will not matter if the gift was bought, made, or found. What matters is that you thought about them!

45. Divorce
The expensive present will not
make everything better.

46. No meaning Child becomes “emotionally dead” to receiving
Too many gifts?
No meaning Child becomes “emotionally dead” to receiving

47. # 5 Acts of Service Whom do you serve?
Kids, parent, employer,
spouse/significant other,
church, organization
It is physically and emotionally demanding
to provide acts of service.

48. School nurse

49. Bus driver that says a spirited
Good morning

50. What can you teach a child?
To serve people who are in no way able
to return or repay the kindness.
Having a bad day
Different
Disabled
Disadvantaged

51. I know my mom/dad/grandma loves me because….
She always helps me with my homework
He fixes my bike
He takes me to
my karate
lessons
She makes me
chocolate chip pancakes on Saturdays

52. Make service age appropriate
Do for your children what they can not do for themselves initially
As they are ready, teach
them how to serve
themselves and others
(make the bed, laundry,
cook, put clothes away,
hang up jacket, etc.)

53. Recognizing Acts of Service
As children mature, they increasingly notice what is being done for them and are also aware of what has been done in the past.
They will also notice
what adults do for
other people and will
want to participate
in work projects too.

54. When your child’s primary love language is service
Remember when they ask for your help
(“Can you fix this?”)
they are asking you to do more than a task,
they need you to fill their emotional love tank.
This does not mean you jump at every request.
It does mean that you should be more sensitive to those requests and recognize that your response will either fill or empty their emotional tank.

55. Role Model Set a good example in public and private. Keep your word.
Respecting others
Don’t forget your
Please
Thank you
I'm sorry
Keep your word.

56. (While a child is doing homework) You can model reading and studying

57. Hosting others in you home
Hospitality
Hosting others in you home

58. Help your child foster positive relationships
with friends, siblings and members
of the community.

59. Be a child’s advocate!
Daycare
School
From a bully
Family
Neighbors

60. Acts of service to self
Teach that you need to take care of your body by
taking care of YOUR body.
Ask yourself:
Do I have down time?
Do I make time to do things I enjoy?
Am I getting enough sleep?
How is my nutrition?
Am I finding ways to fit exercise into
my routine?
Do I have high self esteem and talk
highly of myself?
When was the last time I laughed?

61. American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP)
A child's health depends significantly on the
care and guidance you offer during his early
years. Regular check ups, keeping him safe from
accidents, providing a
nutritious diet, and
encouraging exercise
throughout childhood, you
help protect and strengthen
his body.

62. Sleep Needs Infants 14 – 18 hours Toddlers 11 hrs plus a two hour nap
Preschoolers 11 – 12 hrs
(average 8.7 at night and 9.5 with a nap)
School age 10 – 11 hours
Adolescents 9.25 hrs (average 6 hr 50 min)
Adults 8.25 hrs (average 6 hr 54 min)

63. Which one is a child’s primary love language?

64. How can you tell? Observe how a child expresses love to you
and to others.
Listen to what a child
requests most.
Notice what a child
most frequently
complains about.
Give a child a choice between two options.

65. Take the quiz

66. When a child’s love tank is full, it fosters emotional development and better equips the child to learn.

67. Empty love tank
Misbehavior

68. When they act out they are saying,
“Do you love me?”
Help children learn to identify and express anger. Teach appropriate ways.

69. Stove Black, pink (problem to solve), red, red hot
How big an ice cube do you need to cool down? 69

70. Adults must have a handle on their anger.
Anger and Love
Adults must have a handle on their anger.

71. If you make a mistake, admit it. Apologize
Kids can be very forgiving.

72. Single parenting and love languages
Love tank has been ruptured.
Help a child process grief.
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
More anger
Parents are also grieving and need time as well.

73. Teenage years
Very vulnerable time They need premium fuel

74. Music When you sing, you use more brain tissue.
Creates connections in the brain.
Music creates emotional memory.
Physical Touch and sing
Sing Words of Affirmation
Sing while spending Quality Time
Gifts of music
Music Acts of Service
Caroling

75. Can you see how this applies in your adult relationships as well?
Might better understand family members, friends and co-workers.

76. Does this explain a misunderstanding
you have had?

77. What is one way you can speak your child’s love language?
___________________________________

78. If I had my child to raise all over again, I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later. I'd finger-paint more, and point the finger less. I would do less correcting and more connecting. I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes. I'd take more hikes and fly more kites. I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play. I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars. I'd do more hugging and less tugging.
~Diane Loomans, If I Had My Child To Raise Over Again

79. Go share your love!

80. Resources The Five Love Languages of Children
by Gary Chapman & Ross Campbell

81. Questions??

82. Thanks for coming!