Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context

Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context
Marriage and Family Counseling in Chinese Context An Introduction Copyright © Melvin W. Wong, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved Western Seminary, Los Gatos, California Chinese Ministries Program 2 Unit Intensive Melvin W. Wong, Ph.D. 黃偉康博士 Licensed Clinical Psychologist ChristianMentalHealth.com Family, Forensic & Neuropsychology 220 Montgomery St., Suite 1098, San Francisco, CA 94104 39825-A Paseo Padre Parkway, Fremont, CA Tel (510)

Welcome & Introduction
Please Introduce Yourself Name Family background: Single? Married? Children? Training: Secular? Seminary? Church Affiliation Ministry Position Ministry Aspirations Why do you want to take this course? Personal Expectations for course?

Make up class for next Saturday
Some of you will not be able to make our next Saturday’s meeting The make up class will be a condensed version of the second class It will take place the Friday before the last class on July 30 Where should it be? San Jose? Fremont?

Schedule: 3 Saturdays: July 17, 24, 31
08:00 to 09:30 AM Instruction session 1 09:30 to 09:45 AM Break 1 09:45 to 12:00 PM Instruction session 2 12:00 to 01:00 PM Lunch 01:00 to 03:30 PM Instruction 3 (or film) 03:30 to 03:45 PM Break 2 03:45 to 05:30 PM Discussion session 4 05:30 to 06:00 PM Q/A Individual Time

First things first! Why Marriage and Family Counseling in the Chinese Context? Aren’t people the same everywhere? Are we making too much of a big deal with culture? Is this divisiveness?

Paper 1: A Case Study Paper 1: A case study of the impact of culture on one aspect of a psychological symptom (of a person; a client, a congregation member or family member). Students are required to present a study of an individual (someone that you have counseled, someone that you know as a friend or relative) will suffice. Give an introduction, a family history with a genogram, a description of the one-symptom that marks the pathology, a formulation of the cultural correlation and some suggestion for a brief treatment recommendation.

Paper 1: A Case Study (No differential diagnosis is required.)
A BRIEF written (not more than 10 pages) summary is to be ed to the instructor: Dr. Melvin Wong at The deadline for the submission is by Monday, September 6, 2004

Paper 2: A theoretical study-presentation
Paper 2: A theoretical study-presentation of the impact of Chinese culture on psychopathology as manifested in the clinical population (or church-based communities): The Intervention recommendations: Students are required to present a more detailed theoretical study of the effects of the influence (subtle or obvious) on the development of psychological disorders, depending on the work environments of a student, such as a clinician or a minister.

Paper 2: A theoretical study-presentation
This paper is intended to facilitate the understanding of the student in formulating a prevention response towards a wellness approach in their line of work. A BRIEF written (not more than 10 pages) summary is to be ed to the instructor: Dr. Melvin Wong at The deadline for the submission is by Monday, September 6, 2004

1 Corinthians 9:22-23 (NKJ) When I am with those who are oppressed, I share their oppression so that I might bring them to Christ. Yes, I try to find common ground with everyone so that I might bring them to Christ. I do all this to spread the Good News, and in doing so I enjoy its blessings.

Ministry Opportunity Global Population, In Millions Total 6.14 Billion Christian Population, In Millions Total 1.9 Billion Africa 344, 18% Europe 537, 28% N.A.* 213, 11% Latin America 483, 25% Asia/Pacific 335, 18% 339, 5.5% L.A.* 476, 7.8% N.A.* Europe 728, 11.9% Africa 771, 12.6% Asia Pacific 3,701, 60% * L.A. = Latin America, N.A. = North America

Marriage: Just a Piece of Paper?
Three Videos Marriage: Just a Piece of Paper? University of Chicago, 2002 To Live Zhang Yimou, Gong Li Joy Luck Club Amy Tan

What are Marriage, Family Therapists
A Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT) Formerly known as Marriage and Family, Child Counselor (MFCC), is a mental health practitioner who provides counseling and other therapeutic services with individuals, couples, families, and groups focused on the interpersonal and relational aspects of behavior.

Through consideration of how behavior has developed within the social contexts of the family, social institutions such as schools and neighborhoods, and the larger sociopolitical context of culture, the MFT facilitates problem-solving and the achievement of satisfying, productive lives.

The practice of MFT is regulated through licensure that is monitored by the state agency, the Board of Behavioral Sciences (BBS). To practice independently, an individual must hold a valid MFT license issued by the state of California. 3,000 supervised hours are required for internship to qualify for licensing with the MA degree

Course Description and Outline
The concept of health and wellness, illness and pathology of the Chinese are at variant from that of the West. Marriage and family, being foundational to Chinese culture, are to be studied carefully before effective counseling can be achieved.

Course Description and Outline
This course provides fundamental introduction to the study of common marriage and family issues that a Chinese minister or church leader will experience in the process of pastoral care

COURSE GOALS Understand and use the characteristics of Chinese cultural deficiencies to formulate the dysfunction of a marital relationship. Establish a working knowledge of the historical and cultural developments central to Marriage and Family Therapy standards in Chinese families

COURSE GOALS Understand general systems theory, as well as a working knowledge of the practical models of family counseling. Understand the working fundamentals of family assessment, treatment planning and intervention techniques, from the Chinese cultural perspectives and Biblical principles.

COURSE OUTLINE Introduction to the Systems Theory in Family Therapy used in understanding dysfunctions of Chinese marital-family relationships. Understanding Chinese cultural heritage and its negative impacts on living out the born-again Christian life.

COURSE OUTLINE What does a healthy family and marriage look like? The standards of wellness. Dysfunctional people cause dysfunctional marriages: 3 kinds of pathological personality that are marriage-toxic.

COURSE OUTLINE Dysfunctional families result from dysfunctional marriages. The relationships between shame and dysfunctionality. Understanding how to formulate a case for treatment

COURSE OUTLINE Understanding the effects of transference and counter-transference in marital counseling Strategic counseling methods for couples and family members in pastoral ministry Limitations of pastoral counseling and the ethical and legal standards in care Prevention methodologies: Biblical principles in culture and wellness

WRITTEN ASSIGNMENT The assignments will include a 2-page news item reading report or a book report on Chinese family or marital issues and A 10-page (3,500 to 4,000 words) case study of the impact of culture on one aspect of a relational symptom that is relevant to marriage and family. To be presented to the instructor by the time-line delineated by the seminary.

Reference Books The Family Crucible, by Augustus Y. Napier. May, 1988 ISBN: Family Therapy: Concepts and Methods, by Nichols, M.; Schwartz, R., Boston: Allyn & Bacon, 2001 (fifth edition). Family Therapy with Infotrac: An Overview, by Irene Goldberg, Herbert Goldberg, Brooks/Cole

Technical Text (Recommended, but not Required)
Nichols, M.; Schwartz, R., Family Therapy: Concepts and Methods. Boston: Allyn & Bacon, 2001 (fifth edition).

Technical Text (Recommended, but not Required)
Family Therapy with Infotrac: An Overview, by Irene Goldberg, Herbert Goldberg, Brooks/Cole

Acknowledgments & Credits
Michael P. Nichols, The Essentials of Family Therapy Curricula (English) References From: C. R. Barké, Ph.D.; Tamara L. Kaiser, Ph.D.; Michael I. Vickers, Ph.D. Curricula (Chinese) References From: 關何少芳 (香港家庭治療協進會主席) 黃張淑英 (香港家庭治療協進會學術秘書) 楊陳素端 (1990)

The family is the context of most human problems
The whole is greater than the sum of its parts Like all human groups, the family has emergent properties -fall into two categories Structure and Process

Family: The context of most problems
The structure of families includes triangles, subsystems, and boundaries. The processes that describe family interactions-emotional reactivity, dysfunctional communication, etc.-the most central is circularity. Rather than worrying about who started what, family therapists understand and treat human problems as a series of moves and countermoves, in repeating cycles.

Family Therapy is New Psychiatry: Medical Model
Schizophrenia was not believed to be biological Family is not included in hospital treatment Family is believed to be the cause of illness Psychiatrists are not trained to treat families Change the Family to change the Person Change the Person and change the Family Theorists were smart researchers Studied different parts to improve the whole

Triangle-Triangles-Triangulation
A Three-Person system; according to Bowen, the smallest stable unit of human relationship. “Diverting conflict between two people by involving a third.” “The unhappy mother uses her last born son to triangulate against his father” She is unhappy with her marriage and to find stability and significance in her identity as a woman, she chose her youngest son to be a husband replacement: He is young and compliant

System (Family System)
Mary Richmond, 1917 Families are not isolated wholes (closed systems), but exist in a particular social context, which interactively influences and is influenced by their functioning (they are open). Her approach to practice was to consider the potential effect of all interventions on every systemic level, and to understand and to use the reciprocal interaction of the systemic hierarchy for therapeutic purposes.

Not a Typical Family

The Dysfunctional Family Theme Song Paul Aldrich © 1991 Doulous Publishing
1) My parents got divorced before I was conceived, I blame myself of course, they blame it all on me My unwed pregnant half-step-sister is in therapy My family’s got more problems than the Simpson’s on TV > (Chorus) (Chorus) Dysfunctional, dysfunctional, we’re co-dependent, insecure dysfunctionals, dysfunctional, dysfunctional, dysfunctional as one family can be 2) My dad he drinks & gambles, my mom just talks and smiles, my sister has quit eating, we all live in denial My brother has low self-esteem, and thinks he just turned gay, they all take turns to beat me up, well what else can I say? > (Chorus) 3) I can’t wait to get married, to raise kids my own, I’ll buy them all a self-help book, a TV and a phone Then send them all to public school, for values they will need, I’ll keep the cycle going, so they’ll turn out just like me > (Chorus) We’re co-dependent can’t you see? We’re insecure, we’ll always be, We’re all receiving therapy, In just twelve steps we’ll be set free, Dysfunctional as one can be

Marriage: Just a Piece of Paper? Discussion
Cohabitation: No Marriage = No divorce No commitment, no security (Maturity issue) Consumerism in Marriage Relationships: “If I don’t like it, I move on” (Fear-reduction based) Divorce’s victims: Children (No advocate, no defense) Abandonment fear: “If mom & dad can split up, they can leave me too!” (limited cognitive abilities as children) Daughters of divorce: “Boy crazy, need a dad” (Intimacy) Sons of divorce: “What is the role of man in a family, none?” Covenant Marriage vs. Contract Marriage Premarital Counseling & Prove Fault before divorce

The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce
Important Resource The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce Judith S. Wallerstein Preface “In the fall of 1994… Karen James, North Carolina…You remember that when I was dating guys in college, I became very frightened that anyone I really liked would abandon me or be unfaithful, and I would end up suffering like my mom or my dad? Well choosing Nick was safe because he has no education and no plans, which means that he’ll always have fewer choices than me, I knew that if we lived together and maybe got married someday I wouldn’t have to worry about him walking out… I was suddenly aware that in all the years we’ve known each other, I had rarely seen her happy… Who is the lucky man…We’re both lucky… Gavin and I did everything differently compare to how I lived life before…”

(available at the Baptist Seminary library)
Important Resource Marriage Clinic John Gottman (available at the Baptist Seminary library) G686m c.2

The family is the context of most human problems
The whole is greater than the sum of its parts Like all human groups, the family has emergent properties -fall into two categories Structure and Process

Family: The context of most problems
The structure of families includes triangles, subsystems, and boundaries. The processes that describe family interactions-emotional reactivity, dysfunctional communication, etc.-the most central is circularity. Rather than worrying about who started what, family therapists understand and treat human problems as a series of moves and countermoves, in repeating cycles.

Family Therapy is New Psychiatry: Medical Model
Schizophrenia was not believed to be biological Family is not included in hospital treatment Family is believed to be the cause of illness Psychiatrists are not trained to treat families Change the Family to change the Person Change the Person and change the Family Theorists were smart researchers Studied different parts to improve the whole

Triangle-Triangles-Triangulation
A Three-Person system; according to Bowen, the smallest stable unit of human relationship. “Diverting conflict between two people by involving a third.” “The unhappy mother uses her last born son to triangulate against his father” She is unhappy with her marriage and to find stability and significance in her identity as a woman, she chose her youngest son to be a husband replacement: He is young and compliant

System (Family System)
Mary Richmond, 1917 Families are not isolated wholes (closed systems), but exist in a particular social context, which interactively influences and is influenced by their functioning (they are open). Her approach to practice was to consider the potential effect of all interventions on every systemic level, and to understand and to use the reciprocal interaction of the systemic hierarchy for therapeutic purposes.

Family Tree Diagram Mother Father Son-1 Son-2 Daughter

Casts of the Dysfunctional Family
Enabler Addict Adult-child: Man with problems; Gambling, affairs, rage & irresponsibility Mother who helps hide husband’s serious problems 1 2 3 4 5 Survival for me

Enabler Addict Mother who is trying to be the UN Peace-Keeper: Hoping things will not go out of her control 1 2 3 4 5 Keep the peace: Survival for me

Enabler Addict Win-Lose Rivalry Detach 1 2 3 4 5 Hero Be Perfect: Problems will go away I want to be hero too! I am worthy

Enabler Addict 1 2 3 4 5 Scapegoat Rebel: Believing I am the problem

Enabler Addict 1 2 3 4 5 Lost Child Withdraws from Relationships: Numb

Enabler Addict 1 2 3 4 5 Clown Makes laughter admist family tragedy

Casts of the Dysfunctional Family Adapted from: Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse, 1985, Health Communications, FL Enabler: Tries to control to make things OK Hero: Be perfect & problems will go away Scapegoat: Rebel against family problems & then finally believing that s/he is the problem Lost Child: Retreats, withdraws & isolates self from meaningful relationships Mascot (Clown): Desperately makes everyone laugh admist the family tragedy. Pampered

Family of Origin & Marriage
Parallel Process: Emotional Transference Past infringes on Present (Unresolved conflicts) Unconscious and/or Subconscious Process “Generally not considered to be controllable” “The Present Recapitulates the Past” Using Present Experience to correct Past Wrongs Susceptibility stronger: Emotional Turmoil Develop Awareness and Insight: Consciousness Resolve Unfinished Businesses with family

Dysfunctional Family & Marital Relationships
First-Born vs. First-Born: Control Issues “My way or the Highway” “Hero”: Perfectionism-Order-Clean & Rivalry Treating spouse like a child: Parental “I don’t have to listen to you!” “Who do you think you are?” (Authoritarianism) “You do what I say!” (Condescending) Conflict areas: Ineffective Communication Intimacy achieved by fights

First-Born vs. Last-Born (Hero-Baby) Wife (first-born) vs. Husband (last-born) Balanced relationship (Not equal healthy) Treating spouse like a child: Parental “You have to listen to me!” (Authoritarianism) Husband suffocates: “Mid-Life Affairs” Conflict areas: Ineffective Communication Emotional-Physical-Sexual Intimacy Reduced

First-Born vs. Middle (Hero-Lost Child) Wife (first-born) vs. Husband (Lost-Child) Better-Balanced relationship (But Unhealthy) Middle Child’s Skill in Moderating Spouse Passive-Aggressiveness & Frustration Husband Rebels: “Mid-Life Affairs” Conflicts: Ineffective-Indirect Communication Emotional-Physical-Sexual Intimacy Reduced

First-Born Daughters Not welcomed as child Organized-Helpful
Chinese chauvinism Sexism: Boy over girl Organized-Helpful Pseudo-Hero Real-Scapegoat Mother’s best friend Mom’s Keeper Lacks childhood Men-Hating Mistrust

How Family-of-Origin Issues affect Marital Relationships
Transfer of emotions “transference” Where the past emotions are transferred “Free-floating anger, resentment, bitterness” Fear of “Merging” (Intimacy & Closeness) “The present recapitulates the past” Engaging spouse in fights to resolve past conflicts “Trying to prove a point” (men are strong women are not) Unrealistic expectations on spouse Needing to prove a “point” (in order to redeem self)

Why Intimacy? What does intimacy remind you of? Closeness Physical closeness Sexual relationship Emotional closeness It is about fellowship with our Creator-God “To Know” (yada) Achieve understanding & relationship LEARNING TO BE INTIMATE ?"Listening with empathy is a learned skill. It has two crucial ingredients: undivided attention and feeling what your partner feels." Here at the end of the 20th century, the odds are against intimacy. Couples live as strangers with each other and wonder why the hurt, confusion, and silence result in half their marriages breaking apart. In promoting independence, our culture has deprived us of ways of meeting the profound psychological need for closeness; it doesn't help much that society often confuses intimacy with sex. Shifting societal standards have affected our ability to build solid relationships, and evidence is growing that one of the primary things missing from our lives, from the cradle on, is intimacy. How can the tide be turned? In her work with juvenile delinquents, clinical psychologist Lori Gordon found that the best way to help troubled teens was helping their parents, many of whom had simply not given their children the support, affection, and affirmation they desperately needed. Gordon found that the greatest source of soured relationships among couples was misunderstanding, misperceptions, and disillusionment based on unrealistic expectations of intimacy. When disillusionment sets in, partners set up barriers that frequently lead to collapse. In response, Dr. Gordon has developed a four- month training program designed to restore a couple's ability to experience intimacy with one another. Called Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills (PAIRS), the program targets anxiety and anger, which she describes as "two of the most actively subversive forces in distressed relationships." Part of the problem in applying these skills is that a sense of each partner's needs often lies below their conscious awareness. For that reason, it is essential for couples to learn how to regularly communicate and listen empathetically in a nonjudgmental manner, and to recognize each other's different styles of communicating. Gordon suggests the Daily Temperature Reading, a simple five-part communication technique in which couples express the following to each other: appreciation. Thank your partner for something good he or she has done. we information. Rather than read minds, tell your partner about yourself, your family, and your history. puzzlement. If something your partner said or did is confusing, ask him or her about it. complaint. State what bothers you without asking for change--yet. open. Share your dreams, goals, and aspirations, for this weekend or for the next ten years. @Z: n "Intimacy: the art of working out your relationships" by Lori H. Gordon. Psychology Today, Sep/Oct Pages Topic: INTIMACY, MARITAL. See also 8893 and 8826. 4

Areas of Intimacy Physical: Touching Emotional: Support & Acceptance Verbal: Encouragements Spiritual: Prayer & Faith Development Psychological: Safety and Confidence 5

The Final Stage of Intimacy Achieved!
Developing Intimacy Through Effective Communication Copyright © Melvin Wong, Ph.D , All Rights Reserved The Final Stage of Intimacy Achieved! Increases Trust, Intimacy Vulnerability Sex Courtship begins Commitments Exchange Feelings Friendship Exchange of Judgments Acquaintances Exchange of Facts Small Talk & Clichés

Physical Intimacy is an Antidote for:
The Physical Intimacy-Orgasmic Cycle (Copyright © Melvin Wong, Ph.D ) “Intimacy Always Feels Good!” “Emotional Intimacy Leads to Physical Intimacy!” “Physical Intimacy Can Lead to Orgasm!” “Orgasm Always Feels Good!” “Orgasmic Feeling is Intimacy?” Physical Intimacy is an Antidote for: Loneliness, Low-Self Worth, Boredom, Aggression, Anger, Despair, Abandonment (Applies to Heterosexuals and Homosexuals)

“Addiction-Acting-Out Cycle” Copyright © Melvin Wong, Ph.D. 2000
Compulsivity Deprivation Impulsivity Satiation Abuser-Victim Blame-Shame Guilt

Licensed Clinical Psychologist ChristianMentalHealth.com
To Live (Lifetimes) 活著 Melvin W. Wong, Ph.D. Licensed Clinical Psychologist ChristianMentalHealth.com

Shadow Puppet Show 皮影 A form of ancient Television
Puppets were made of leather for flexibility & durability with portability Illuminated from behind the scene This art: The common thread over the events A man’s accidental career with this art form A way to illustrate the powerlessness & helplessness of the masses “Survival” “To Live”

To Live (Lifetimes) 活著 Features of the movie
Chinese man: The gambler (addicted) Chinese man: The spoiled brat (scoundrel?) Chinese man: The irresponsible husband Chinese man: The irresponsible father Chinese woman: The servant (roles) Chinese woman: The neglected wife Chinese woman: The enabler Chinese woman: The the whistle blower

Plot of the movie The redemption of a traditional Chinese man
Introduction to the last fifty years of modern day China Communism: The emergence & justification of Nationalist government: The problems Low morale with the soldiers: Opportunistic Irresponsibility: Sick Abandoned to die in the cold overnight Atrocities were committed by the leaders (Abuse, corruption)

Introduction to the specific political movements
Plot of the movie Introduction to the specific political movements “Communes” for of idealistic community living “Big Leap Forward” (“Backyard blacksmiths”) The Red Guards: Cultural Revolution Atrocities Purging “Re-Education” of the Intellectuals Labor & Re-Education “Camps”: Cow barns Exiling of the young to the “country side”: Trauma The uneducated assumes leadership: Atrocities

During the 1940’s Master Xiu Fugui: Special Treatment at this casino
A spoiled adult-baby & his gambling addiction Special Treatment at this casino Personal Financial account: Credit account Grandiose: Took over the puppeteer's work Gambling Development of Narcissism

Gambling Addiction “Losing face” of the husband
Pregnant wife confronts husband at the casino “Losing face” of the husband Wife decided to leave him He was overcome with shame and wept He lost his father’s house: Overcome with rage and suffered a stroke? Heart attack? He lost his father

Father and son relationship
He disappointed his father by losing the house He caused the death of his father “shame” He accepted his wife’s naming of son “Don’t gamble” He cares for his son He care for his grandson

Husband and wife relationship
Husband can be redeemed because of his good wife Wife was long-suffering and smart Let husband be homeless until he gets it Survived the family upon husband’s disappearance Daughter held the hand of his dad to their home Child is expected to be go-between

Chinese Communism & Psychological Effects
Psychological effects on the Chinese people on the mainland Common Psychological Effects (PTSD features) Pain and tragedy: “Eating Bitterness” “Survival for the fittest” Fears-safety: Unable to control or predict future political events Mistrust: Disruption of “Basic Trust Bonding” Parent-Child Trauma-Bonding: “Good & Bad” Reinforces family living Passive-Aggressiveness: “Back Door” “Get around the system” Encouraged “Mindlessness”: “Dumbing Down” Effect Deprivation of resources: “Entitlement” expectations “Blame” mentality: Unable to self-reflect, grandiosity “Flee at all cost” “Make it no matter what”

Psychological effects on the Chinese people off the mainland Survivors’ guilt: Grief for family members on mainland Estrangement & Separation of family members Political ideas separate family member for life Broken families: uncle & niece constitute family Polygamy by necessity

Psychological effects on the Chinese people on the mainland “The Abandoned” syndrome “You owe me”: “It costs so much to go home!” Scheme & scandals: To milk money from abroad Money for the sick, burials, business deals

Psychological effects on the Chinese people in Taiwan They escaped the communists take over of the mainland Self-determination: Starting over Preferred to be called “Taiwanese” not Chinese Wanting to be independent but fear of Chinese invasion Psychological effects on the Chinese migration Determination to rebuild at all cost: Casualties Anti-Communists, anti-Japanese Only the well to do or intellectuals can emigrate

How did we learn to be intimate?
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context How did we learn to be intimate? Early infant bonding with parents Bonding-Attachment: Prototype of adult intimacy Imprinting of Safety-in-Closeness Soothing with closeness Consoling with closeness Early parenting of young children 7

Areas of Intimacy Physical: Touching “Babies are Cute!” What is cute? Softness: Treasuring Innocence: Simple Vulnerable: Needy “Touching feels Good” “Good touch equals Good Relationship” Non-Verbal Intimacy 8

Areas of Intimacy Verbal Encouragements Spiritual Faith Development Psychological Safety and Confidence 9

Attachment Dynamics: Secure (Modified from William Friedrich, 1995)
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Attachment Dynamics: Secure (Modified from William Friedrich, 1995) Young Children Initiates Interaction Affective Sharing Readily Comforted Energy to Explore Spontaneity Care-Giver Warm Sensitively Attending Consistent Reliability Soothing Unconditional 13

Attachment Dynamics: Avoidant (Modified from William Friedrich, 1995)
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Attachment Dynamics: Avoidant (Modified from William Friedrich, 1995) Young Children Little Preference for Care-Giver Mixes Avoidance with Proximity Little Affective Sharing Care-Giver Emotionally Unavailable Dislikes Neediness Favors Precocious Autonomy 14

Attachment Dynamics: Resistant (Modified from William Friedrich, 1995)
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Attachment Dynamics: Resistant (Modified from William Friedrich, 1995) Young Children Difficulty Separating Wary-Cautious Hypervigilance Mixes Contact Seeking with Resistance Care-Giver Unpredictable Insensitively- Responsive Not Attuned Hyperactive to Child’s Fears Intrusive 15

“If Family Life Were a Dinner Party”
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context “If Family Life Were a Dinner Party” The 1960’s would have been the cocktail The 1970’s would have been the appetizer The 1980’s would have been the entree What about 1990? Time for dessert? What about the year 2000? No, everyone is sick to their stomach with indigestion. Some are throwing up and rushing to the restrooms!

What Went Wrong? The nature of sin Intergenerational effect of sin (Exodus 20:5-6) 16

Exodus 20:5-6 (New International Version)
You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments.

What Went Wrong? The nature of sin Intergenerational effect of sin (Exodus 20:5-6) A propensity toward sin and poor judgment What can go wrong does go wrong Depravity of humankind Giving rise to pain and suffering Substance-Emotional dependency: Lessens pain 16

Healthy Intimacy Boundary Defined
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Healthy Intimacy Boundary Defined Parental: Intra-Spousal Husband and wife are mature: Self-Contained Husband and wife issues remain within them Parent-Child: Intergenerational Intimate Parental issues are not disclosed Financial issues Sexual issues Familial Secrets 17

Family Tree Diagram Mother Father Son-1 Son-2 Daughter

Healthy Relationship Mother Father Son-1 Son-2 Daughter Son separates from mom for psychological individuation successfully 19

Healthy Relationship Mother Father Son-1 Son-2 Daughter Son attaches with dad for Gender-Identity formation successfully 20

Healthy Relationship Mother Father Son-1 Son-2 Daughter Son separates from mom for psychological individuation successfully

Healthy Relationship Mother Father Son-1 Son-2 Daughter Son attaches with dad for Gender-Identity formation sucessfully

Healthy Relationship Mother Father Son-1 Son-2 Daughter Son separates from mom for psychological individuation successfully

Healthy Relationship Mother Father Son-1 Son-2 Daughter Son attempts to attach to father for Gender-Identity formation

Unhealthy Relationship Begins
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Unhealthy Relationship Begins Mother Father Son-1 Son-2 Daughter Son’s attempts to attach to father was rebuffed and he experiences rejection and hurt

Unhealthy Relationship Defensive Detachment Begins
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Unhealthy Relationship Defensive Detachment Begins Mother Father Son-1 Son-2 Daughter Son’s attempts to defend against more pain from rejection by defensively detaching from father’s relationship emotionally

Unhealthy Relationship Defensive Attachment Begins
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Unhealthy Relationship Defensive Attachment Begins Mother Father Son-1 Son-2 Daughter Son has no choice but to re-attach with mom for emotional security

Unhealthy Relationship Defensive Attachment Continues
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Unhealthy Relationship Defensive Attachment Continues Mother Father Son-1 Son-2 Daughter Son has no choice but to re-attach with mom for emotional security Forming Defensive Attachment

Unhealthy Relationship Defensive Attachment Intensifies
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Unhealthy Relationship Defensive Attachment Intensifies Mother Father Son-1 Son-2 Daughter Son generalizes defensive detachment to defensively attach to girls and women: Non- aggressive & softer

Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Unhealthy Relationship Defensive Attachment Intensifies Mother Father Son-1 Son-2 Daughter Generalization intensifies. Father becomes a stanger Girl 1 Girl 2

Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Unhealthy Relationship Defensive Attachment Intensifies Mother Father Son-1 Son-2 Daughter Generalization intensifies. Men are unfamiliar Girl 1 Girl 2 Girlfriend

Unhealthy Relationship Defensive Attachment Solidifies
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Unhealthy Relationship Defensive Attachment Solidifies Grandma Mother Father Son-1 Son-2 Daughter Men are objectified-curious-sexualized Girl 1 Girl 2 Girlfriend

Unhealthy Relationship Defensive Attachment Solidifies
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Unhealthy Relationship Defensive Attachment Solidifies Grandma Aunt 1 Mother Father Son-1 Son-2 Daughter Men are objectified-curious-sexualized Girl 1 Girl 2 Girlfriend

Child Satisfies Parents’ Needs
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Child Satisfies Parents’ Needs Mother Child becomes mother’s best friend He keeps me company, not alone! He keeps me from being scared at night Mom tells me all of her secrets! I am special! I must be loyal to her! She is mine! I am hers! Father Child becomes father's crutch Significance derived from son’s incompetence 21

Child Satisfies Parents’ Needs
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Child Satisfies Parents’ Needs Mother Has emotional baggages from own family Was an Adult-Child (child in an adult body) Expects spouse or child to meet her needs Father (Failed to meet wife’s emotional needs) Naive to wife’s immense emotional needs Backs away from her emotional neediness Drives her further into a demanding state Sets off vicious cycle: Cat and mouse game 22

When Intimacy is Disrupted
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context When Intimacy is Disrupted Parents are absent physically or emotionally Young child was not emotionally affirmed Child’s Personal-Sexual identity immature Child searches for identity substitution Child attempts to provide Self-Parenting Hurried-Child Syndrome: No childhood Adequate Self Physical Care: Not Emotional 23

Re-Establishing Health Family Intimacy
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Re-Establishing Health Family Intimacy May not be possible at all Begins with recognizing presence of dysfunction Denial is the first survival defense: No shame-blame Takes courage to confront the truth in family Courage to confront pain & personal responsibilities Making amends: Forgive and be forgiven Process of courage: Forgive-Reconcile-Restoration Re-establishing normal communication Can set clear limits and boundaries with family 26

Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Re-Establishing Health Family Intimacy Begin with verbal communication first Talk freely with self-disclosure Can offer and receive verbal compliments Continues with physical closeness Socially-appropriate physical touches Continues with more verbal intimacy More open self-disclosure: Safe secrets Getting a raise-promotion, lay-off, some finances Relationships: good and bad 27

Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Re-Establishing Health Family Intimacy Finding a “Home” away from home New family substitute Spiritual-Emotional-Physical closeness achievable On-going relationship with people No crossing of boundaries and limits Can take personal responsibilities Free to say No? without guild Can confide in 2 or 3 significant people Finding acceptance and affirmation 28

Process of Relief from Pain
Acknowledge powerlessness: Nothing I can do Understand forgiveness: Can forgive not forget Forgiveness is one way: To benefit you True forgiveness requires confronting your pain True forgiveness requires admitting your wrong True forgiveness requires empathy for wrong doer Reconciliation: Two ways: Requires other Restoration: Last step in normalizing relationship When you are stuck: Victimhood-martyrdom Self righteousness, avoid pain, control by holding grudge: Bitterness, Resentment, Sarcasm, Gossiping

Flexible Family Dynamic
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Flexible Family Dynamic Shared Leadership Role Sharing Democratic Discipline Change When Necessary 29

Structured Family Dynamic
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Structured Family Dynamic Leadership Sometimes Shared Roles Stable Somewhat Democratic Discipline Change When Demanded 30

Separated Family Dynamic
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Separated Family Dynamic I-We “We” is low “I” is moderate Little Loyalty Interdependent More Independence than Dependence 31

Connected Family Dynamic
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Connected Family Dynamic I-We “I” is Moderate “We” is High Some Loyalty Interdependent More Dependence than Independence 32

Chaotic Family Dynamic
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Chaotic Family Dynamic Lack of Leadership Dramatic Role Shifts Erratic Discipline Too Much (too Great) Change 33

Rigid Family Dynamic Authoritarian Leadership Roles Seldom Change Strict Discipline Too Little Change 34

Enmeshed Family Dynamic
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Enmeshed Family Dynamic WE “We” Very High High Loyalty High Dependence 35

Disengaged Family Dynamic
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Disengaged Family Dynamic I Little Closeness Lack of Loyalty High Independence 36

Boundary Emotional and physical barriers that protect and enhance the integrity of individuals, subsystems, and families

What is the Family Systems Secret?
Fix the Marriage Then The Family is Fixed

Bad Marriage is the Context of Most of Human Problems
Family is Bad: Father & Mother are Bad Like all human groups, the family has emergent properties – Parental Happiness determines family happiness How to be Happily Married? and How to keep Children Happy?

Subsystems & Boundaries
Families are structured in Subsystems as determined by Generation, gender, common interests and function which are demarcated by interpersonal Boundaries The invisible barriers that regulate the amount of contact with others Boundaries safeguard the separateness and autonomy of the family and its subsystem

Masters of Family Therapy
Salvador Minuchin

Biography Salvador Minuchin
First-born son from an Argentinean-Jewish family Complex, closed-extended family community: Gossips Defended Jewish identity & Argentinean freedom Imprisoned for political struggle against dictatorship: Peron Studied to be a pediatrician to be a child psychologist Worked with delinquent youths multi-culturally Dated & married “Pat”: “Capitalist” Spent 3 months: 1st date Visited other family therapy research groups ’70’s “Not a good team psychiatrist” “Not sexist” “Convinced” Empirical observations of families: Psychosomatic families

Structural Family Therapy (Minuchin)
Constructs Structure The invisible set of functional demands (rules, roles, etc.) that organize the ways in which family members interact. These form repeated transactions or patterns of how, when, and who to interact with, which underpin the system and its functioning.

Subsystems The family system differentiates and carries out its functions through subsystems, which include each individual as a subsystem, and other combinations, including generational, gender, interest, or function/role subsystems. Families typically include a marital subsystem, a parental subsystem, and a sibling subsystem.

Boundaries To ensure proper family functioning, the boundaries of subsystems must be clear. A boundary is described as the rules that define who participates and how. It functions to protect the differentiation and separateness of subsystems and facilitate transactions among subsystems.

Boundaries are described on a continuum From Diffuse 混雜邊界 (Enmeshment) Forming an enmeshed style of transactions in the system, to Rigid 分離邊界 (Disengaged Boundary) Forming a disengaged style of transactions in the system

Healthy Family Functioning In healthy families, there is a clear hierarchy, with parents functioning as executive subsystem with effective power, children in a sibling subsystem, less power, though this changes developmentally over time.

Boundaries are clear, flexible and permeable among all members, and between subsystems, meaning members can communicate with one another, can access others' time, attention and energy. Parents are aligned and function jointly, marital relationship is open internally, but clearly separate from children.

Rules and roles are clearly and explicitly defined, yet with some flexibility across circumstances, and changing over time as children develop.

Unhealthy Family Functioning In unhealthy families, any or all of these are missing or distorted. There may be overly rigid or diffuse boundaries between persons or subsystems, reversed hierarchy with children having too much power influence,

coalitions across subsystems, conflict within subsystems, cross-subsystem alignments, rules and roles are ambiguous or conflicting, or remain fixed as children grow older, system may be disengaged or enmeshed.

Therapy Goals Structural family therapy goals focus on restructuring, altering any or all of the structural components, thereby promoting changes in symptoms and symptom-maintaining behaviors of members.

Examples of restructuring goals would be establishing an effective hierarchy, making boundaries more flexible or less diffuse, deconstructing coalitions, establishing healthy alignments, improving within subsystem communication,

Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Structural Family Therapy (Minuchin) clarifying or establishing clear rules and roles, changing these to reflect developmental processes.

Assessment Assessment is accomplished through a combination of inquiry, using circular questions as a tracking method, joining, with the therapist interacting with the family members, and observation using enactments in which the family interacts around a topic or issue. Family maps may be constructed by the therapist and/or members, depicting structural components.

Interventions The therapy employs brief, direct, active restructuring interventions. The sequence of these may include joining, enactments, diagnosing, highlighting and modifying interactions, boundary making, unbalancing and challenging family assumptions (rules and roles).

Others include shaping competence, emphasizing positive and effective behaviors; and reframing behaviors from negative to positive.

Circumplex Family Map Low Cohesion High 37

Circumplex Family Map Low Cohesion High High Adaptability Low 38

Circumplex Family Map Low Cohesion High High Adaptability Flexibly Connected Low 39

Circumplex Family Map Low Cohesion High High Adaptability Flexibly Connected Structurally Connected Low 40

Circumplex Family Map Low Cohesion High High Adaptability Flexibly Separated Flexibly Connected Structurally Connected Low 41

Circumplex Family Map Low Cohesion High High Adaptability Flexibly Separated Flexibly Connected Structurally Separated Structurally Connected Low 42

Circumplex Family Map Low Cohesion High High Adaptability Chaotically Connected Flexibly Separated Flexibly Connected Structurally Separated Structurally Connected Low 43

Circumplex Family Map Low Cohesion High High Adaptability Chaotically Connected Flexibly Separated Flexibly Connected Flexibly Enmeshed Structurally Separated Structurally Connected Low 44

Circumplex Family Map Low Cohesion High High Adaptability Chaotically Connected Flexibly Separated Flexibly Connected Flexibly Enmeshed Structurally Separated Structurally Connected Rigidly Connected Low 45

Circumplex Family Map Low Cohesion High High Adaptability Chaotically Connected Flexibly Separated Flexibly Connected Flexibly Enmeshed Structurally Separated Structurally Connected Structurally Enmeshed Rigidly Connected Low 46

Circumplex Family Map Low Cohesion High High Adaptability Chaotically Separated Chaotically Connected Flexibly Separated Flexibly Connected Flexibly Enmeshed Structurally Separated Structurally Connected Structurally Enmeshed Rigidly Connected Low 47

Circumplex Family Map Low Cohesion High High Adaptability Chaotically Separated Chaotically Connected Flexibly Separated Flexibly Connected Flexibly Disengaged Flexibly Enmeshed Structurally Separated Structurally Connected Structurally Enmeshed Rigidly Connected Low 48

Circumplex Family Map Low Cohesion High High Adaptability Chaotically Separated Chaotically Connected Flexibly Separated Flexibly Connected Flexibly Disengaged Flexibly Enmeshed Structurally Separated Structurally Connected Structurally Enmeshed Rigidly Separated Rigidly Connected Low 49

Circumplex Family Map Low Cohesion High High Adaptability Chaotically Enmeshed Chaotically Separated Chaotically Connected Flexibly Separated Flexibly Connected Flexibly Disengaged Flexibly Enmeshed Structurally Separated Structurally Connected Structurally Enmeshed Rigidly Separated Rigidly Connected Low 50

Circumplex Family Map Low Cohesion High High Adaptability Chaotically Enmeshed Chaotically Separated Chaotically Connected Flexibly Separated Flexibly Connected Flexibly Disengaged Flexibly Enmeshed Structurally Separated Structurally Connected Structurally Enmeshed Rigidly Separated Rigidly Connected Rigidly Enmeshed Low 51

Circumplex Family Map Low Cohesion High High Adaptability Chaotically Disengaged Chaotically Enmeshed Chaotically Separated Chaotically Connected Flexibly Separated Flexibly Connected Flexibly Disengaged Flexibly Enmeshed Structurally Separated Structurally Connected Structurally Enmeshed Rigidly Separated Rigidly Connected Rigidly Enmeshed Low 52

Circumplex Family Map Low Cohesion High High Adaptability Chaotically Disengaged Chaotically Enmeshed Chaotically Separated Chaotically Connected Flexibly Separated Flexibly Connected Flexibly Disengaged Flexibly Enmeshed Structurally Separated Structurally Connected Structurally Enmeshed Rigidly Separated Rigidly Connected Rigidly Disengaged Rigidly Enmeshed Low 53

Circumplex Family Map Low Cohesion High High Adaptability Chaotically Disengaged Chaotically Enmeshed Chaotically Separated Chaotically Connected Flexibly Separated Flexibly Connected Flexibly Disengaged Flexibly Enmeshed Rigidly Engaged Structurally Separated Structurally Connected Structurally Enmeshed Rigidly Separated Rigidly Connected Rigidly Disengaged Rigidly Enmeshed Low 53

Marriage and Family Counseling in Chinese Context An Introduction Copyright © Melvin W. Wong, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved Western Seminary, Los Gatos, California Chinese Ministries Program 2 Unit Intensive Melvin W. Wong, Ph.D. 黃偉康博士 Licensed Clinical Psychologist ChristianMentalHealth.com Family, Forensic & Neuropsychology 220 Montgomery St., Suite 1098, San Francisco, CA 94104 39825-A Paseo Padre Parkway, Fremont, CA Tel (510)

What is Asian-Chinese culture?
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context What is Asian-Chinese culture? Asian-Chinese (Asian: Ethnic Chinese) is an extremely diversed group of Asians ethnically from all over Asian with different cultural, religious, economic and political backgrounds. Koreans, Japanese, Chinese, Taiwanese, South-East Asians (Vietnam, Laos, Cambodia, Burma, Thai, Singapore, Malaysia, Indonesia) As diversed as we are: There are common threads: Rice, Chop-sticks, Family Values, Education, Arts, with diversed ethnic subcultures

Asian-Chinese Cultural Understanding
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Asian-Chinese Cultural Understanding Life is a stage: Role-play 人生如舞台 Being a Person: 做人=做戲 Life is about On-stage, Off-stage: 上台,下台 In an interpersonal shameful situation, it is known as “hard to get off stage” 難下台 To help, provide a graceful exit: 下台階 Detested Characters (animal-temperament) Human-faced, Animal hearted 人面獸心 Wild-animal put in a man’s dress 衣冠禽獸

Asian-American Cultural Understanding
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Asian-American Cultural Understanding Filial Piety (most favored virtue): Education 老子,孝順,老子文=教 Favors sons over daughters:重男輕女子承父業女子無才便是德 Conformity & Self-Denial:克己服禮為仁 Gentlemen vs. the Conceited:小人君子

Early Immigrant Pattern
Early Chinese immigrants as laborers Driven by economic and political unrest Risk takers and outcasts from their local communities Mostly men and very few women Later Chinese immigrants as family builders Bachelors take brides from their own village Couples strive to be economically independent “Mom-Pop” stores: Groceries, laudries, restaurants Intellectuals: Exchange-Foreign students who stayed

Current Immigrant Pattern
Later Chinese immigrants were “investors” Driven by political unrest: Hong Kong 1997 Economic uncertainties Refugees from China: Refugees from Hong Kong “Brain-drain” Skilled immigrants “The best and the brightest” The real “bright” will choose to remain “Political” background and support

Patterns of Immigration
Bachelor laborer Laborer and his village (mail order) bride Children of laborer and village bride Bright scholar from big cities at ivy league Foreign students who stayed Pre-post 1997 political refugees Bosses and professional Children of Shanghainese elites: ivy league

Basic Human Conditions & Chinese Cultural Perspectives (Adapted from Rev. Daniel Ng, Chinese Churches Today, 26, Dec. 2000) Issue of Existence: Reasons for Living 生存問題的解答 Issue of Life’s Crises: Reasons for Pain 危難問題的解答 Issue of Death: Perspectives on Dying 死亡問題的解答

Asian-American Culture & Philosophies (* Local-Domestic Origins)
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Asian-American Culture & Philosophies (* Local-Domestic Origins) *Confucianism 儒 Buddhism 釋 *Taoism 道 Western-Christianity 耶 *Self-Material-Pragmatism 錢

The Five-Hierarchical Harmonious Relationships (The Five-Orders “Wu Lun”) 五倫 Copyright (C) Melvin W. Wong, Ph.D

Order 1: The King and his Subjects
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Order 1: The King and his Subjects 君要臣死,臣不死,不忠也 If the king decrees death to his subject, if he doesn’t kill himself; it is not loyalty Authoritarianism: Do as the king says, obey Reinforces dependency: “Emperor's new clothes” Hypocrisy: “Public self vs. Private self” “Self-identity” Externalized locus of control: Reduced personal responsibility The all-powerful king: analogous with god Deified king: Idolized-worshipped the king

Order 2: Father and Son 父要子亡, 子不亡, 不孝也 If father wants his son to die, if he doesn’t kill himself; it is not filial piety Fatherhood equals Kingdom government Generalized authority to the elderly: Wisdom Authoritarianism: Do as the father says, obey Reinforces dependency: “Must please father” Externalized locus of control: Reduced personal responsibility

Filial Piety Resulting virtue of a harmonious relationship between father and child is Filial Piety First-born son is most valued: first-born son is the first child that can carry on the family lineage Fathers have unquestioned authority over their children have the right to the lives of their children The reasoning is that, “They are my own.” This virtue gave rise to patriarchy and nepotism Ancestor-worship (Idolization of ancestors) Complex of respect and fear for the deceased

Reciprocity-Entitlement-Empathy
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Reciprocity-Entitlement-Empathy Reciprocity (Family Culture Demands It) Duty > Personal Desire = Sacrifice; Payback Trauma Re-Enactment of Mother-In-Laws Entitlement (Takes It For Granted) Do It, Give It, Or Else! (Shame-Guilt-Injury) Empathy (Lack of) “Form > Will” Do It-Perform It-You Don’t Have to Like It My Way > Your Needs (Self > Others)

Order 3: Older brother and younger brother
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Order 3: Older brother and younger brother 兄弟如手足 Brothers (older and younger) are like hands and feet (they are irreplaceable, blood is thicker than water) Older-brother in command during father’s absence Facilitates family operations: Internally-externally Authoritarianism: Do as the brother says, obey Reinforces dependency: “Must please brother” Externalized locus of control: Reduced personal responsibility

Order 4: Husband and Wife
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Order 4: Husband and Wife 夫妻如衣服 Relationships between husband and wife is similar to clothing (change them at will) Women’s identity begins after marriage 三從: 在家從父出嫁從夫老來從子 Authoritarianism: Do as the husband says, obey Reinforces dependency: “Husband-pleasing” Externalized locus of control: Reduced personal responsibility Faithfulness in marriage: Wife must be chaste

Dependent Identity of Women
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Dependent Identity of Women Dependency vs. Independency Tasks Seasons of Dependency Developmental Dependency of Women Three stages of Identity formation 三從 Depends on father when young 在家從父 Depends on husband when married出嫁從夫 Depends on son when old老來從子

Husband and Wife Relationships
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Husband and Wife Relationships Women suffer and sacrifice silently She becomes a martyr-sacrificial lamb of the dysfunctional family & inflicts the same pain upon her daughter and in-laws She copes by Denial and Resignation: “fate” Poor husband-Wife relationship is the norm Extra-marital affairs, Informal Mistresses, Concubines, Polygamy

Common Marital Disorders
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Common Marital Disorders Angry Husband - Depressed-Hurt Wife Angry Wife - Withdrawn Husband Avoidance of Emotional Involvements Focus on the Concrete, Practical issues Over-Rationalization, Over-Intellectualization Judgment Passing: Reason, Right or Wrong Rigid Structure, Non-Cohesive: Stress prone

Biblical Order of Relationships “The New Five-Orders” 新五倫 Copyright © Melvin W.Wong, Ph.D Christ the King and His Children (Isaiah 9:6-7) Love and Sacrifice Father and Mother (Exodus 20:12) Love and Honor (Leave, Cleave becoming one flesh) Husband and Wife (Ephesians 5:21-25 ) Love and Commitment Parents and Children (Ephesians 6:1-2 ) Love and Acceptance Fellowship of Believers, Friend-Foe (1 John 4:11-12 ) One another love, Hospitality & Forgiveness (Mat 22:39)

Chinese Culture in a Nutshell
It is a Shame-Based Culture

Eight Facets of Chinese Face Work After Bond and Hwang “Six types of face work“ © Melvin W.Wong, Ph.D Level Description Manifestation Chinese pinyin 1 Enhancing your own face Etiquette consciousness yao mianzi (lian) 2 Enhancing other’s face Reciprocity gei mianzi (lian) 3 Losing your own face Shame, humiliation diu mianzi, diu lian 4 Hurting other’s face Retaliation for shame felt shang mianzi 5 Saving your own face Avoid shame, be proper baocun mianzi 6 Saving other’s face No criticism, give apology mian mian ju yuan 7 Borrowing other’s face No give an excuse jie lian 8 Tearing your own face Relationship destroyed mou mian

Day Three

Marital Affairs and Sexuality
Understanding the psychodynamics of Affairs in Marriages Sexuality and Intimacy issues in Marriages Prevention Strategies for Affairs and Emotional/Sexual Dependencies Treatment Issues for Emotionally Dead Marital Relationships: The Key Points

提多書 1:6-9 聖經新譯本如果有人無可指摘，只作一個妻子的丈夫，兒女都信主，也沒有人控告他們放蕩或不受約束，才可以作長老。因為監督是上帝的管家，所以必須無可指摘、不任性、不隨便動怒、不好酒、不打人、不貪不義之財；卻要接待客旅、喜愛良善、自律、公正、聖潔、自制，堅守那合乎教義、可靠的真道，好使他能夠用純正的道理勸勉人，並且能夠折服反對的人。

Titus1:6-9 NIV An elder must be blameless, the husband of but one wife, a man whose children believe and are not open to the charge of being wild and disobedient. 7 Since an overseer is entrusted with God's work, he must be blameless -- not overbearing, not quick-tempered, not given to drunkenness, not violent, not pursuing dishonest gain. 8 Rather he must be hospitable, one who loves what is good, who is self-controlled, upright, holy and disciplined. 9 He must hold firmly to the trustworthy message as it has been taught, so that he can encourage others by sound doctrine and refute those who oppose it.

Types of Ministry Sexual Issues
Attempts in Narcissistic Self-Repair Active主動 (Pre-meditated, Planned) Passive被動(Not Consciously-Planned) 外遇

Chinese Cultural Understanding
知音人 Good listener 外遇 “Outside Encounter” Unintended 婚外情(戀) Outside Marriage Love (Infatuation-Obession)

Narcissistic Self-Repair
Self-Esteem Issues: I am Important-Worthy I am lovable I must not be ignored or abandoned I enjoy (crave) attention from pretty women Control–Mastery Issues It hurts too much to be unloved I must love myself (Egotism-Narcissism) I will succeed in intimacy striving myself

Types of Ministry Sexual Issues
Attempts in Narcissistic Self-Repair Active主動 (Pre-meditated, Planned) Passive被動(Not Consciously-Planned) 外遇 Neediness: Push-Pull effect 婚外情(戀) Pain Reduction: Escape from suffering Opportunistic: Put self in vulnerable situation Object of “love” obsession: Your “fan” 迷戀 “Trapped” to be destroyed: Revenge driven

Active 主動 (Pre-meditated, Planned)
Pedophiles (Child-Molesters) 愛童坯 Exploitative-Oppressive Expressions Can be seen in early teenage years Two groups Married with children: Socialized other problems (Money: borrowing, embezzle) Single: Isolated & under-or-unsocialized The most dangerous group if smart & charismatic Have serial marriage, as rapists & serial killers

Passive 被動 (Not Planned) 外遇
Neediness: Push-Pull effect 婚外情(戀) Pull Effects (External factors) 外面拖力量 Post-modernism in the 21st century Sex culture in post-modernist life Media: TV, movies, video programs, advertising Why? “Sex sells!” Visual stimulation of men Push Effects (Internal factors) 內在推力量 Unsatisfied marital relationship: Mid-life crisis Career Disillusions: Sense of failure Children’s birth & growth: empty nest

Diagnosing Narcissism
Grandiosity: Arrogance Entitlement: I deserve Lack of Empathy: White Lies

Pain Reduction: Escape from suffering Neediness: Push Effect 婚外情(戀) Doubted marriage decision was a good one Wife is not supportive: Source of frustration Marital relationship maintained: But unhappy Conflicts are denied: No skill to resolve or repair With increased responsibilities: More frustration Unassertive husband bears pain & wished it ends Novelty extra-marital relationship: No history, New

Opportunistic: Put self in vulnerable situation Unaware of limits & boundaries Adult-child of dysfunctional family Physically, emotionally or sexually abused Unhealthy emotional limits; greed 貪欲 Too much disclosure of personal-marital issues Unable to say “no” to women’ excessive self disclosure Tangled in dual relationships: “church secretary” Can’t say no to pretty women: Pedestal effect Wife has a bad history: This woman does not This woman is younger & prettier: “There’s hope”

Object of “love” obsession: Your “fan” 迷戀 Secret admirer: Relationship in the “mind” You are object of an emotional transference An “ideal” husband that should be or have been An “ideal” father who is loving and warm An “old boy friend” who was nicer than spouse She “loves” you to avenge your wife for “it is not fair” because “she’s too lucky”

“Trapped” to be destroyed: Revenge driven Woman is a “men-hater”: Conquer them! Power & control expressed by woman Usually very attractive, show-off & intelligent Casual & easy sex: To “catch” you Uses relationship as black-mail Uses relationship or “pregnancy” to black-mail “Part-time” relationship better than no relationship Unusual reason: Spiritual warfare?

性困扰的陷阱与牧養事奉 Spouse unwilling to satisfy sexual desire
Reduced sexual desires for spouse: Age vs. health Spouse unwilling to satisfy sexual desire Pornography preoccupies your life Masturbation into marriage: Spouse unaware Sexual attraction to female other than your wife Sexual experience with woman in your church Sexual experience with your wife’s best friend Same-sex feelings that do not go away with prayer

The Final Stage of Intimacy Achieved!
Developing Intimacy Through Effective Communication Copyright © Melvin Wong, Ph.D , All Rights Reserved The Final Stage of Intimacy Achieved! Increases Trust, Intimacy Vulnerability Sex Courtship begins Commitments Exchange Feelings Friendship Exchange of Judgments Acquaintances Exchange of Facts Small Talk & Clichés

情感溝通關係的七個踏段 Seven Levels of Emotional & Physical Communication Copyright 2001 (c) Melvin W. Wong, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved 親密的程度關係的特徵情感的特徵 7 性愛經驗性愛的親密（有性興奮和有圓滿安全感覺） 6 身體上的親密身體親密（熟悉和安全） 5 願意分享真心話絕對的信任（坦誠不怕被傷害） 4 分享內心感受信任與坦白的發展 3 分享個人的看法深一層的個人興趣 2 交換資料性的事實表面的興趣發掘 1 閒談安全的社交

Physical Intimacy is an Antidote for:
The Physical Intimacy-Orgasmic Cycle (Copyright © Melvin Wong, Ph.D ) “Intimacy Always Feels Good!” “Emotional Intimacy Leads to Physical Intimacy!” “Physical Intimacy Can Lead to Orgasm!” “Orgasm Always Feels Good!” “Orgasmic Feeling is Intimacy?” Physical Intimacy is an Antidote for: Loneliness, Low-Self Worth, Boredom, Aggression, Anger, Despair, Abandonment (Applies to Heterosexuals and Homosexuals)

Four Horsemen of Apocalypse 人際關係沖突的四大殺手
Criticism 批評 Defensiveness 辯護 Contempt 藐視 Stonewalling 撤退

Four Horsemen of Apocalypse 人際關係沖突的四大殺手
Criticism Defensiveness Contempt Stonewalling Prevention De-Escalation

Four Horsemen of Apocalypse 婚姻沖突的四大殺手
1. 批評 2.辯護 3.藐視 4.撤退預防降低

以弗所書 Ephesians 4:26-27 生氣卻不要犯罪；含怒不可到日落。不可給魔鬼留地步。
"In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.

以弗所書 4:31-32 一切苛刻、惱怒、暴戾、嚷鬧、毀謗，連同一切的惡毒，都應當從你們中間除掉。要互相友愛，存溫柔的心，彼此饒恕，
就像上帝在基督裏饒恕了你們一樣。

Ephesians 4:31-32 Get rid of all bitterness,
rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Criticism 批評 Four Horsemen of Apocalypse
Statement that implies something is globally wrong with your spouse, a lasting aspect of your spouse’s character “You always…” (Criticism and not complaint) “You never…” (Criticism and not complaint) Complaint: “I’m upset over dinner for you talked only about yourself and didn’t ask how was my day, I felt hurt.” Criticism: “How can you treat me this way?” “Don’t you care about my feelings?” “I have feelings too!” “What kind of selfish person are you?” “What’s wrong with you?” “Why are you so uncaring?” “I can’t believe you did this to me!” Criticism gives rise to Defensiveness

Defensiveness 辯護 Four Horsemen of Apocalypse
Any attempt to defend oneself from a perceived attack. To get back at the complainer with a counter-complaint “And you get so aggressive after you get upset, that’s the part I don’t like, that’s the part I fear about you.” “How about when you explode into a tantrum last time?” “Retroactive Deserving” you never admit you are wrong, you blame your spouse for not preventing the mistake you made, therefore it is your spouse’s fault I didn’t pay our credit card because you didn’t remind me!! Defensiveness is denying responsibility for the problem, not solve it

Contempt 藐視 Four Horsemen of Apocalypse
Statement or behavior that puts yourself on a higher plane over your spouse Contempt takes the form of mockery/insult “It’s not, ‘I could care less,’ it’s I couldn’t care less. At least get that right!” Condescending facial expression with eye-roll & upward glance, as if imploring the Lord for help! (Contemptuous facial expression of husbands can predict wives’ infectious illness over next four years. Lonely husbands married to contemptuous wives got physically ill more often than other husbands) Gottman, 1994

Stonewalling 撤退 Four Horsemen of Apocalypse
Stonewalling is when the listener withdraws from the interaction, involving one spouse leaving Men are consistently more likely to stonewall than women 85% of stonewallers were men A withdrawal in the service of self-soothing: Upsetting to women When women stonewall: Divorce predictor Women are more likely than men to criticize When the wife criticizing more than the husband & the husband stonewalling more than the wife: This is predictive of divorce

Emotional Disengagement 情感的麻木像慢性毒瘤
When no Four Horsemen are present An absent of affect, the marriage is emotionally dead No joy, affection or humor, or engagement of anger or conflicts Spouses are like passing ships in the night (parrallel lives) They do not appear to experience each other as friends There is a lot of unacknowledged tension (facial, vocal & somatic) They keep saying everything is ok. (Denial, playing house) High level of physiological arousal during conflicts Little attempt on the part of either spouse to soothe others

Four Horsemen of Apocalypse 婚姻沖突的四大殺手
Criticism Defensiveness Contempt Stonewalling Prevention De-Escalation

Repair & De-Escalation Accepting Influence Compromise
Five Basic Conflict Prevention Skills Adapted from: John Gottman, The Marriage Clinic, 1999 Softened Start-up Repair & De-Escalation Accepting Influence Compromise Physiological Soothing

一般華人婚外情(戀)的心理特色男性: 自戀的個性 (自我無限化) 女性 : “邊緣” 的個性 (心理焦慮与精神崩潰的邊緣)

Narcissism Features Over Self-Evaluation: “False Self-Confidence” Exploitation of others in name of ministry Entitlement: Self-expectations of special treatment Narcissistic Injury: Rage when criticized Lacks Empathy: “Bad Taste Humor” Can’t comfort Preoccupation with Envy: “They compare” Absence of Guilt & Introspection

Dealing with unhealthy defenses
Intellectualization 思考化 : “If I can think about it and it is logical, it must be right” Rationalization 合理化 : “It is reasonable, therefore it must be right” Spiritualization 屬靈化 : “There is a Biblical support, therefore it must be right” Justification 辯護化 : “Therefore, it is right and no one can challenge me!” Accountability & Counseling: “Check reality”

Over-Coming The Pitfalls
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Over-Coming The Pitfalls Build Friendships: Dual Relationships & Boundaries. Can you have a church buddy? Learn to establish intimate relationships: Vulnerability Variety of friendships, no dual relationships Friend to your Spouse & Children Balance of Rational-Emotional Awareness Accountability Group: Other pastors, counselor Get Personal Counseling for self: Confidentiality

Sexual Desires and the Pursuit of Holiness
情欲天所賜 Available at

Counseling Teenage Rebellion Copyright © Melvin Wong, Ph.D All Rights Reserved Melvin W. Wong, Ph.D. Licensed Clinical Psychologist Tel (510) Fax (510) 220 Montgomery St., Suite 1098, San Francisco, CA 94104 1357 Mowry Ave., Fremont, CA

腓立比書 Philippians 2:15 聖經新譯本 (NIV)
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context 腓立比書 Philippians 2:15 聖經新譯本 (NIV) 好使你們無可指摘、純真無邪，在這彎曲乖謬的世代中，作上帝沒有瑕疵的兒女；你們要在這世代中發光，好像天上的光體一樣， so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe

“How Well Do you Know your Kids” Barbara Kantrowitz & Pat Wingert, 38-39 Almost half of youths today lived through their parents’ divorce 63% of youths live in households where parents work outside of the home 25% say their mothers were home when they return from school 98% teens spent 11 hour/week watching TV Teenagers spend 3.5 hrs. alone daily

The Disconnected Generation Saving Our Youth from Self-Destruction
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context The Disconnected Generation Saving Our Youth from Self-Destruction (McDowell, Josh. Project 911.) by Josh McDowell List Price: $14.99 Our Price: $11.99 You Save: $3.00 (20%) Paperback pages (July 2000) Word Books; ISBN: X ; Dimensions (in inches): 0.72 x 8.95 x 6.01

The Disconnected Generation Saving Our Youth From Self-Destruction
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context The Disconnected Generation Saving Our Youth From Self-Destruction “The real battle is not in the amoral and immoral influences of our culture, but in the hearts of our kids. Today's young people are losing hope because they feel isolated and alienated from their parents. They are the disconnected generation.”

Biblical Principle for Parents
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Biblical Principle for Parents Stewardship -Reward Sons are a heritage from the LORD, children a reward from him. Psalm 127:3 兒女是耶和華所賜的產業，腹中的胎兒是他的賞賜。聖經新譯本詩篇 127:3

Biblical Principle for Parents
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Biblical Principle for Parents Training - Guidance Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it. Proverbs 22:6 教養孩童走他當行的路，就是到老，他也不會偏離。聖經新譯本箴言 22:6

Josh McDowell's Handbook on Counseling Youth A Comprehensive Guide for Equipping Youth Workers, Pastors, Teachers, and Parents by Josh McDowell, Bob Hostetler List Price: $18.99 Our Price: $15.19 Paperback (June 1996) Word Books; ISBN: X ; Dimensions (in inches): 1.20 x 9.12 x 7.34

Asian-American Discipline Trap
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Asian-American Discipline Trap Rules without a Relationship will lead to Rebellion either outright disobedience or, as so often happens, Passive rebellion or Indifference.

Basic Counseling Issues (Traps)
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Basic Counseling Issues (Traps) Denial of Problems: Blame; No Ownership “IP” Identified Patient Concept IP is the “Carrier” of Family Problems IP: Barometer of Real Patient-System Problem Family System Issues Fix parts to fix the whole Fixing only a part, but missing the whole Recurrent-Chronic Problems “Forest & Trees” Issues Need for Comprehensive Understanding

Counseling Essentials
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Counseling Essentials Key Issue: Parental Relationship Problems Teenage Problems: Anger Derivatives Destructiveness: Acting-Out: Authority Issues Depression: Acting-In: Truancy-Poor Grades Systemic Dynamics: Family-Marital-Child Identified Patient Systemic Changes: Family Treatment Avoid One-Sided Information Collection

歌羅西書 Colossians 3:20-21 聖經新譯本 NIV
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context 歌羅西書 Colossians 3: 聖經新譯本 NIV 你們作兒女的，要凡事聽從父母，因為這在主裏是可喜悅的。你們作父親的，不要激怒兒女，免得他們灰心喪志。 Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.

“IP” Identified Patient Concept
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context “IP” Identified Patient Concept What is Identified Patient? Why? System Theory of Family Counseling One part of a problem: Reflects System problem Who is your client? (Your loyalty?) The “IP” (child)? The Parents? The System?

Teenage Psychological Symptoms
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Teenage Psychological Symptoms Behavioral Manifestations Anger: Destructiveness Truancy: School Problems Substance Abuse: Emotional Pain Talking-Back: Oppositional Promiscuity: Intimacy at all costs Masked Depression: Anger, Truancy, Diurnal Shifts, Social Isolation, Low Grades

瑪拉基書 Malachi 4:5-6 聖經新譯本 NIV
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context 瑪拉基書 Malachi 4:5-6 聖經新譯本 NIV 「看哪！在耶和華大而可畏的日子來到以先，我必差派以利亞先知到你們那裏去。他要使父親的心轉向兒女，兒女的心轉向父親，免得我來擊打這地，以至完全毀滅。」 "See, I will send you the prophet Elijah before that great and dreadful day of the LORD comes. He will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers; or else I will come and strike the land with a curse."

Erickson’s Psychosocial Developmental Stages
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Erickson’s Psychosocial Developmental Stages Year Stage Character Basic Trust vs. Mistrust Hope Autonomy vs. Shame & Doubt Will Initiative vs. Guilt Purpose Industry vs. Inferiority Competence Identity vs. Role Confusion Fidelity(Faith) Intimacy vs. Isolation Love Generativity vs. Stagnation Care Integrity vs. Despair Wisdom

Youth Developmental Characteristics
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Youth Developmental Characteristics Age Adolescence Cognitive Form Formal Operational: “Black or White” Moral Judgment Conventional: Mutual interpersonal concord. Law & Order Morality Psychosocial Identity vs. Role Confusion: Fidelity Social Awareness Group identity. Social-Peer pressure Authority Focus Group derived: Conformity-Acceptance Communication Subtle, felt meaning, symbolic Symbolic Function Progress from Symbolic to Concrete

Teenage Stages of Development
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Teenage Stages of Development Passage from preteen to teenage-hood, to young adulthood Going through an identity crisis: Who am I? Am I worthy? How do I know I am accepted? Do I belong? How do I know I am approved of and affirmed of my sexuality? Passage: Car (Identity symbol)-Man? Beauty (Popular)-Woman? What makes me a man now? What is manhood? What makes me a woman now? What is womanhood? The impacts of media: “Ellen” “Melrose Place” “Bay Watch” Shaping the secular teen scene: Establishing the popularity standards for teens to conform to Sexually active: Popularity=sexuality

Bible verses on the Father
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Bible verses on the Father Proverbs 20:7 The just [man] walketh in his integrity: his children [are] blessed after him. (KJV) Proverbs 20:7 The righteous man leads a blameless life; blessed are his children after him. (NIV) Children Learn by your Personal Examples

Arrows Analogy: Individuation
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Arrows Analogy: Individuation Psalm 127:4-5 Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth. 5 Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies in the gate. Children, like Arrows Need to be Launched Accurately with Skill, Strength and Practice

Parents Must Accept Teens
Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context Parents Must Accept Teens Matthew 18:5-6 "And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me. 6 But if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea. (NIV)

Joy Luck Club 喜福會

Joy Luck Club: The Mothers
Suyuan: June “story teller” Her mother abandoned twin daughters while escaping war in Chongqin Lindo 15 year old bride: Waverly Ying Ying: who drowned her own son, depressed: Daughter Lena has no spirit An Mei’s mom was raped and killed herself with opium dumplings: Rose

Joy Luck Club: The Daughters
June (main character): Failed at Piano Waverly (Chess player): Smile naturally now mom! I always do; Waverly! Lena: Has no spirit for I have none to give her. Married a miser, Harold; everything is fifty-fifty. Love yes, false dependency no! Rose: Divorced husband of rich family, winery and publishing house. Mrs. Jordan

Asian Traumatized Women
Multiple Traumatic Experiences At the hands of their mother and father Sexism & favoritism Physical Abuse and Emotional Abuse Sexual Abuse, Molestation and Violation Borderline Personality Features Impulsivity, Low Self-Esteem, Abandonment Fears Depression: Frustration and Anger

Trauma 1: Mom-Daughter: Women the Martyr

Trauma 2: Mom-Daughter: They Hurt each other

Trauma 3: Husband-Wife: Bad Men

Trauma 4: Mom-Son: Men the Victim

Marriage & Family Counseling: Chinese Context

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